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Ask Us Volume XXI, December 2002
lewis the great
asks:
why does it take bronson volcomstalker so long to answer peoples questions??
what if its important? people dont want to wait about a month to get their
expert advice otherwise they may go to someone else...
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Volcom says:
Look faggot, there's nothing I'd like more than to spend my days answering the pathetic, inconsequential quandaries of a bunch of callous-fisted, wet-panted little sputum-napkins. However, the lifestyle of enviable fame and endless fortune the creation of this very website has afforded me has also, ironically, led to my lack of involvement in it. Lying on the cushion of good fortune can be a distracting habit. Why just yesterday I was having a cocaine-based balm massaged into my scrotum by a Parisian model when I realised it was already 5:30 in the afternoon! Considering that this is my usual way of waking up, I was shocked at how long it took me to get out of bed. Still, beats making people's dinner or treating venereal infections for a living.
So next time you need a question desperately answered, feel free to go to 'someone else...'. Or get your mum to poison your food.
Volcom says:
It was like going to Heaven, playing a game of poker with Jesus, then having him suck you off after outrunning him on a set when his flush card hit the river.
But only for about 15 seconds.
Volcom says:
I said, "Slugs need spaces to move through the soil; creating a good fine tilth will discourages them. Moving the soil surface with a rake in winter will expose many slugs and their eggs to frost damage."
You got wax in your ears?
Volcom says:
Ah haha, yeah I saw that piece of shit. I think what happened was his hair was set ablaze by some stupid kid at a party, completely incinerating Matt's locks and potentially obliterating over 27 different species of parasites.
His disproportionately huge skull and festering scabs made wig-shopping a difficult and expensive task, as Matt had to buy every wig he forced onto his immense, pus-ridden head. Sadly, the mullet was the only left in his size and colour, so he had to make do with that for a few weeks until his hair grew back.
He has just recently 'carved' his hair into an ill-defined mohawk.
Wesley Willis is said to have remarked that Matt "looks like an asshole".
Nathan Harrto
asks:
Bronson, now that you've left High School (again, ha ha!) do you
really think you can make a career out of hating Matt Strain?
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Volcom says:
Nah. I'm just doing this as a distraction until I'm old enough to audition for Big Brother. After I get on I'm going to wow Australia with my outgoing personality, love for life, good nature and tendancy to get a little cheeky in the shower ;) After winning the heart of Aussies everywhere and coming about 4th place I'm planning on living off nightclub appearances and money in return for sexual favours for about year, afterwhich I hope to get romantically involved with a more-credible celebrity, preferably that Anna Choy strumpet from Big Arvo, provided I'm contractually permitted to date strumpets from another network. If not, I guess I'll settle for Moira from GMA.
Please Note:
I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
"Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.
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