Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

The
"I Hate Matt"
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    • Ask Us Volume XX, December 2002

    Mrs. Volcomstalker asks:
    Bronson, how come you're still a virgin?
    Volcom says:
    I just don't know mum.
    I mean, I'm a smart guy, I make girls laugh... I buy them heaps of stuff that they like. Once, I even followed a girl home and poisoned her cat.
    I'm giving it a go mum. It's not my fault I look more like Bronson Pinchot and less like Pierce Brosnon.
    I mean, there were drunk, stupid chicks all over the place on Schoolies, yet I still didn't score. Came close though...
    I think it has a lot to do with chicks these days, to be honest. I'm either too old fashioned or too revolutionary for chicks to know, and they're just blind to what a great catch I am.
    Spike asks:
    Ha ha! Yeah how come Bronson? I'm not!
    Volcom says:
    It doesn't count if she's unconscious.
    Dear Matt asks:
    Have you ever tried to taste, or indeed have tasted your own cock?
    Volcom says:
    I can't be bothered making up an answer to that.
    Look at this instead:
    Barry the Badger asks:
    Yo Bronson, what's the weirdest thing your mum ever found stuck up your ass?
    Volcom says:
  • Her hand!
  • My hand!
  • A condom!
  • A can of Dr. Pepper!
  • A full set of encyclopedias!
  • A penguin!
  • Poo!
    lewis asks:
    i hae a brother who is addicted to star wars and has hundreds of figurines and my mum is also addicted to buying these crazy lil things, shes spending heaps of money on him and not as much on me and im jealous. how do i get her to buy me things and how do i stop him from liking star wars and all these figurines and shit????
    Volcom says:
    I think someone misinterpreted the purpose of 'Ask Us', and thought it was a serious forum to get advice on your personal problems.
    Well anyway Lewis, I'd like to firstly point out that there's nothing wrong with an obsession. Whether it be Star Wars, Star Trek, some shitty 80's band or a sexy bitch actress. No-one's ever died from a lack of sex.
    Ah, but a jealous sibling, that's been responsible for many deaths. The first murder ever, even, if you believe that Cain and Abel stuff. Joseph's brothers were all pricks to Joseph, that's another Bible thing. Who makes that junk up anyway? Romulus and Remus, that's another famous brother killing story. Brother killing is also prevelent in the Animal Kingdom... I guess.
    Well, unless you're a mythological character or an animal I guess your brother's got nothing to worry about.
    So I dunno, a good way to get attention from your mum is to find out what she likes and take up an interest in it. Or make something for her, parents love that stuff. Or you could kill a family pet and say it was your brother. Be creative!
     
    Please Note:
    I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
    All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
    "Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

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