Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

The
"I Hate Matt"
Ask Us Transporter System

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  • Volume 11
  • Volume 12
  • Volume 13
  • Volume 14
  • Volume 15
  • Volume 16
  • Volume 17
  • Volume 18
  • Volume 19
  • Volume 20


     
     


     
     


     


     
     


     


     
     


     
     
     
     


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    • Ask Us Volume II, March 2001

    Eddie asks:
    Is it odd if I like to walk around in DT's cos I like them to hold my (extremely small) package in place?
    Volcom says:
    Well little buddy, I think it's odd not to want to keep your small balls in place. You'll need them later on. Look after them!!!
    You mightn't know this, but balls assist in balance, for when you walk and swim etc. This action is very similiar to how flies use their legs as balance when they fly.
    How interesting!
    seriious asks:
    YOu're back. I'm scared. Have you ever eaten wheat and if not, what did it taste like?
    Volcom says:
    Oh yes, be scared. Be very scared.
    Wheat is usually pretty bland. Either that or it's sort of weird. Either way, it's still pretty shit. Almost as shit as anything soy-based, but not quite. But then again, I've never tasted it, so I don't know.
    bazz asks:
    my brother bought me a parot which ony speaks sign language... how can we communicate?
    Volcom says:
    Interesting... interesting...
    Well, I suggest you take a course in trans-species extra-sensory telepathy. This would allow you to communicate with your precious parrot. However, I'm not sure what you'd need to say to a parrot, except for maybe "Eat your seed, you little shit". And I don't know what the fuck a parrot is going to say to you either, except for maybe "Gimme some more seed, you little shit"
    Kate Scaroni asks:
    WHY DO ELEPHANTS HAVE BIG EARS?
    Volcom says:
    I'm not sure why elephants have big ears, Katie. I would say for cosmetic reasons, but they possibly might have large ears to hear better. Or it could be to brush away flies and shit.
    FUN FACT:
    Elephants are so fucking heavy, that whilst mounting the female elephant during mating, the male can slip and kill the female under his intense weight. So, if you're a female elephant, don't fart during sex. No, if you're any sort of female, don't fart during sex. No wait. If you're a female, don't fart ever. It's fucking gross.
    Timmy B asks:
    I used to have this really hot girlfriend and while we were going out I was satisfied, but now I have to dab everyday just to keep on living. What is wrong with me?
    Volcom says:
    Wait, this isn't the cool Timmy Borham we all know and love is it? Nope, of course not.
    Well anyways, Timmy Imposter, dabbing* is completely normal. I dab at least 38 times a day, and I've heard that's normal.
    *Dabbing: The process of dabbing one's outermost surface of the urethra with toilet paper and/or fingers. This is usually done after masturbation or urination.
    For further information, contact Matt Strain. About the only thing he's good at is sexually pleasing himself, and even at that he does a shithouse job.
     
     
    Please Note:
    I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
    All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
    "Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

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