Ask Us

Lover of Volcom asks:
Upon reading your wise words, I become quite aroused. Is this wrong to be attracted to something which I have never seen before? What should I do?

Volcom says:
Hmm. *cough*. Um. Well, obviously, a state of arousal after reading my 'wise' words is indicative of an enormously intelligent and 'rad' nature.
Yes, there are a lot of problems associated with being attracted to something you've never seen before, so a little trepidation is perfectly reasonable. However, since the unknown party in this instance is me, and I'm the sweetest guy ever really, it's ok to become aroused whilst reading my riotous ramblings.
Anyway, my advice for you dear child is to send a recent 10X8 photograph of yourself to me, your resume, a dossier containing your sexual history and a 50-100 word essay on how cool I am. Then, hopefully, I'll cut you a break and invite you over for some sweet lovin'.

Ginger Kimble asks:
Im a little confused, you see i heard that some weirdo (matt) comes into work (dominos) and makes his own kind of mornay sauce, and then asks for a pizza with the sauce. Why would he do it????

Volcom says:
Obviously, the mornay sauce provided is inferior to his own 'special blend'. Perhaps this Matt character's diet has a special requirement for his own semen? Or maybe he's allergic to the factory-produced semen used in the wholesale mornay sauce?
It is another mystery.

Mr Mutha Fucka asks:
every christmas my mum seams to buy me alot of hawaiin based shirts and a pink tou-tou... should I be worried or is it just because she's a man?

Volcom says:
You should be worried that your mum's a man. It's usually the case that male mothers are complete fuckwits who have a Hawaiin fetish and enjoy seeing Mutha Fuckas in tu-tus.
The remedy: Break into your mums bedroom and shit in one of her shoes. Hilarity is bound to ensue!

Osama 'Kim' Laden asks:
If a horse was to come up to you and ask you to come with him, would you follow him if you knew what he was up to at the stable last nite?

Volcom says:
There's not much that would make me follow a horse. Horses are huge, tank-like things of muscle with tiny brains and huge dicks.
I mean, from a bit away they're alright, like, with the shiny coats and long hair and big legs, but up close they quite frankly scare the shit out of me. Look into a horse's eyes and tell me you don't feel as if the horse is trying to either read your mind, inhale your soul, or undress you with his eyeballs.
However, you did mention that the horse was asking me a question. I think for a talking horse I would make some exceptions. The question of what he did at the stable last night is pretty irrelevent; I mean what the fuck does a horse do at a stable besides eat salt, neigh, and have the occasional shit?
So yeah, after much deliberation, I think if a horse actually talked to me I would follow it. If not, I would leave it alone and try not to look in its eyes. And I'd try to keep the little cunt from kicking me by crikey!

Please Note:
I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
"Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

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