we love matt asks: i know this isn't a question, but i don't care. what you are doing to matt's reputation is wrong! Volcom says: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. What reputation am I spoiling, exactly? Are you saying that without my website he'd be able to drive around Nambour in a cum-soaked beanie in hot weather in a yellow Datsun listening to shitty music without people thinking him a wanker? I think Matt's doing a good enough job establishing his reputation as a dipshit without any help from me. Tell your mum I said hi. Aaron & Ash asks: How come matt strains head hair, doesn't match his pubic hair? is it a strange phenomina, or just due to the fact he died it a different colour? Volcom says: How the fuck did you find out about Matt's pube situation? More importantly, why would you want to find out about his pube situation? Well anyway, there's a pretty funny medical condition behind that. The pigment that gives Matt's head hair that lovely, honey-soaked shine is attracted to wool. Since Matt always wears that woollen beanie he found outside Mission: Employment they rise to the surface of his scalp to give his hair that lovely blonde effect. Some dickheads think it's red, but no, it's blonde. In additon to that, the pigment that makes up black hair is attracted to the fluids found in the Cowper's gland. So, whenever Matt 'let's one slip' in his pants (averaging out to 6 times a day), the pigments all run to the tips to bathe in the nutritious and life-giving solution. lewis asks: tell me the truth. ive been confused with this question fo soo many years. Why the hell did the chicken cross the god damm road??? Volcom says: Finally, a question on this website that makes some God damm sense. This is a riddle that has plagued mankind for the best part of 1000 years, or for as long as men have been men and not apes. When asked the question, Ancient Greek architect Ictinus replied, "I am an architect. I'm half way through designing the Parthenon. Why the fuck would you ask me that?" Sun Tzu, author of the Art Of War, was said to have ridiculed the person who asked him, and threw him off the nearest bridge. Even Gary Coleman punched me in the kneecaps when I asked him about it. So, I went my neighbour Charlie's house, and asked one of his chickens. Although she was half-way through an ovulation, the gracious little hen still had time to talk to me, and answer my gay question. "Brawk!" She said, "The original chicken, that first one to cross the road, brawk, was my great grandfather, Squawkas McBigcock. Buk-buk, he said there was a nice looking hen across the road, so he crossed the road and humped the shit out of her. Bukkaw! Then, half-way though humping her, some little kid who was a good drummer called Lewis Capulet or something asked him why he just crossed the road. Ol' grandaddy had no time for fools, and give the little shit a good what for. By gum, it seemed as if ol' McBigcock had gotten..." The old hen continued to talk shit for the next 5 minutes, afterwhich I went home and drew this picture: Mr. Frinkle G. Plopalot asks: Dear Mr. Volcomstalker, as of the 14th of July I took up defecation as a full-time occupation. I am finding it quite enjoyable, but recently my cat and mother died in two totally unrelated incidents. I was just wondering; do you like rice pudding or masturbation more? Volcom says: Well, I've always found that if you can combine two things that you love, and do them well, then you'll be happy for life. I see you've applied this to your worklife, and are now getting paid to do what we all love, and that is do poos. Congratulations. It is with this philosophy in mind that I have combined my two favourite things, rice pudding and masturbation. That's right folks, if you come to my house for dessert from now on it will be a lot more than some kiwi fruit slices you'll be worried about finding in your after dinner treats. Brett Stiffy asks: Hey guys, whatareya doon fa schoolies? Volcom says: Yeah man it's gonna be sik im shreddin down the goldi gonna hook up maybe get a bit a cookie who kno's mate! me ol boy keithy rekons hes gonna beat me in a coldie skullin compettin but his a faggit ne way i saw him spew up his guts at his mums 40th who is a stupid bitch enyway i reckon kiefy wasnt lyin wen he siad he rootted her oi nah serios ey he did ask jobo mate okies now i gotto fly catcha man   Please Note: I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au. All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision. "Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

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