Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

The
"I Hate Matt"
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    • Ask Us Volume X, January 2002

    That dude, you know the one, right? Well, he's this dude, right, and, well, that's about it, quite the dude. He's kind of short, but tall at the same time, weird, but not. Yeah, he's a dude, through and through. I think I'm drunk...where's my penis? Mum! asks:
    Dear Matt, I need your help. I was listening to Billy Joel in Winamp, and having a jolly good time, masturbating and all that, but suddenly I had the urge to turn it off and listen to Blink 182, and I did! I chose Blink over Billy! What's wrong with me?
    Volcom says:
    First off, just calm down. You did the right thing by coming to me at this time of little faith. Now, down to business.
    You've got Billy Joel in your Winamp playlist, so you're on the right track (ignore the pun, delicious it may be). Firstly, you must rid yourself of this devil music, Blink 182. Beezlebub is a cunning little bastard, and will try to sway you from Billy with tools of evil such as Blink 182. Using time-honoured tricks of third-grade lyrics, morally reprehensible over-use of bodily functions, and too much talk about their dicks, Satan is beckoning you away from the path of salvation (Billy Joel). After cleansing your playlist of all the devil's music (Blink 182, Westlife, Cliff Richard), you need to find your faith in Billy Joel once again. I suggest listening to Turnsiles, The Nylon Curtain and Glass Houses over and over. Additional material could include the properly mastered reissue of Cold Spring Harbour and Songs In The Attic.
    Here are some inspirational Billy Joel quotes to help you in your time of need:

      "All your past sins have since passed"
      -'Through The Long Night', GLASS HOUSES, 1980
      "Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone"
      -'My Life' - 52nd STREET, 1978
      "Anthony works in a grocery store"
      -'Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)' - THE STRANGER, 1977
    I hope that's helped.

    PS Please write back and let us all know how you're doing!

    Mispent Cum asks:
    Should I orally service my parents out of my love for them or for money?
    Volcom says:
    What you should do is pray to God that the cops don't find out what you're doing.
    In all seriousness though, sex should only be given in exchange for money. Adversely, money should only be spent on sex.
    Ross Plater asks:
    Why is my willy so small?
    Volcom says:
    Because you hang around Daniel Warner too much. And you let Boycey use your water bottle. Yecch!
    Bot seeking guidance asks:
    Will i get my P's on thursday?
    Volcom says:
    No. You will fail the bit of the test where you have to not be a wanker for a full five minutes. My magic balls say you will fail horribly and shit your pants in front of the driving instructor.
    Trench McHench asks:
    Is it under your bed?
    Volcom says:
    You're a cheeky one, Trench!
     
    Please Note:
    I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
    All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
    "Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

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