Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

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    • Ask Us Volume VIII, January 2002

    Im not a fag asks:
    to matt,
    matt i find you sexualy attractive and i was wondering if you fell the same way, please dont leave me in suspense any longer
    Matt says:
    Yes, I did fall the same way. Ah hahaha, you stupid cunt.
    But in all seriousness, yes, I do find myself quite sexually attractive.
    Not to mention sexually satisfying.
    Phillip (name changed to protect the innocent) asks:
    I saw that fat bitch Matt the other day at the shops and it looked at me. I mean right at me and I am now worried that I may be the the target of his homoerotic fantasies and I am now afraid for my arse. What can I do to redirect his thoughts of arse love?
    Volcom says:
    Well Phillip, sadly there is no way to stop Matt's love for arse. Fortunately, there could be a way to stop him fantasizing about your arse imparticular. In my studies, I've noticed that Matt is very finicky about the arse he chooses to visualize whilst playing with himself. It's usually the last arse he sees that he likes the most. By the looks of things, it sounds like you've got what Matt would call a 'pretty' arse. This isn't good news for you, as it's rare to find a finer arse than a pretty arse.
    The only way to combat this sexual attraction to your poop-cushion is to hand the burdon on to another unsuspecting arse. This means that you should hang out with a guy with a nicer arse than you, hopefully diverting Matt's attention. Then, all things going to plan, Matt will favour your friend's arse to yours.
    However, if the above doesn't work, you could always shit your pants in front of Matt. Always a turn-off.
    Sumpin' Smells Bad asks:
    Did you just fart?
    Volcom says:
    Yeah probably.
    Awkward Moment asks:
    Is that my leg or yours?
    Volcom says:
    As a matter of fact it's my penis.
    Gary Garry asks:
    Why are there so many black people in Africa? Those large penises of theirs look very awkward indeed.
    Volcom says:
    Hey, fuck off
     
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