Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

The
"I Hate Matt"
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    • Ask Us Volume XIX, December 2002

    Harry Pooncealot asks:
    Volcom: Why do you allow Matt to post stuff on your site when you absoulutely despise him? And do you know a good recipe for caramel slice?
    Volcom says:
    That's one of the very first good questions I've received on this site, Harry.
    As TISM once said, Destoyevsky said in The Brothers Karamazov that if you know your enemy well enough, you will pity him. This is how I've come to regard Matthew Strain: with pity. Therefore, taking pity on the young chap, I gave him a chance to defend himself against ridicule directed at him (except material written by myself).
    Which of courses raises the question why I don't let him defend himself on the Reasons To Hate Matt page, but I don't give a shit. So there.
    And caramel slice is for poofs! A hahaha!
    fairy princess shag-shag asks:
    why wasn't i born a geisha?
    Volcom says:
    Why isn't everyone? Geisha girls are cool. Spike saw one on the Gold Coast and asked her for a cigarette, and she started giggling into her chest.
    Actually some dickhead told me you have to go to Geisha school to become a Geisha, so really no one is 'born' a Geisha. That's like being born a baseball player, or a truck driver. Heck, even a fisherman!
    Pauly mc. nellytonfeildville werd like a ledder of fruit? asks:
    where is the yoghurt? i left it out on the bench last night, and now it's gone! i have no idea what happened. if you would shed some light on the situation, i'd be much obliged. lots of love 'sexmenow'
    Volcom says:
    Holy cow, it's Eric Idle!
    The live bacteria in your yoghurt probably reacted with the over-bearing stench of semen and faeces in your kitchen, which sped up the evolution process by halves. By looking at the facts, one can assume that your yoghurt has developed some form of terrestrial transport method, and a level of intelligence that could no longer bare your shit.
    Bunder Bergrum asks:
    Dear Matthew, do you fancy the odd tipple?
    Volcom says:
    Matthew was going to answer this question, but slept in this morning after a hard night of boozing and shouting lewd suggestions at his arresting officer. Luckily, he avoided charges of public indecency and livestock molestation when Constable Gravy took Matt up on one of his more extreme suggestions.
    Mrs. Volcomstalker asks:
    Bronson have you cleaned your room yet?
    Volcom says:
    Go away mum!
     
    Please Note:
    I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
    All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
    "Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

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