Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

The
"I Hate Matt"
Ask Us Transporter System

  • Volume 1
  • Volume 2
  • Volume 3
  • Volume 4
  • Volume 5
  • Volume 6
  • Volume 7
  • Volume 8
  • Volume 9
  • Volume 10
  • Volume 11
  • Volume 12
  • Volume 13
  • Volume 14
  • Volume 15
  • Volume 16
  • Volume 17
  • Volume 18
  • Volume 19
  • Volume 20


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     


     
     

     

     
     

    Back


    • Ask Us Volume I, March 2001

    Turn Nip asks:
    Volcom does you prefer the hard or not so hard vegetable varities?
    Volcom says:
    Top question, Turn.
    Now wait, aren't all vegetables 'hard' when fresh? I know I am. If so, your question is void.
    But anyway, for your information, my fave veges are carrots, pumpkin, potatoes and lettuce. I suppose lettuce is sort of not so hard. And pumpkin and 'taties are generally eaten soft or mashed with butter. Carrots I like boiled or crisp, but always peeled. It makes for interesting conversation.
    So, in summation, I like vegetables when they're soft, or up Matt's arse. I'm sure he does too.
    Smitty asks:
    If you are going out with a lady does it count as cheating if you and your mum get it on?? Cos.. like.... she's YOUR mum
    Volcom says:
    First of all: Christ.
    Second of all: Err...
    Third of all: Smitty, I'm not sure how someone who gets it on with their mum, or whose name is Smitty, is able to get chicks in the first place. And yes, getting it on with your mum is very much illegal, and very much cheating. Either way, I'm sure your girlfriend only likes you for your money and/or computer skills. It certainly isn't for an improved social status or your great rugby skills, so dumping you will be a pleasant relief for her. Much like dumping a shit. Actually, it's exactly like dumping a shit.
    Steve's woman asks:
    I went to Bli Bli Primary School, I feel I should be embarrassed but instead am filled with a sense of pride, what is wrong with me?
    Volcom says:
    It is of my understanding that Bli Bli isn't a very popular school, so you're one of only about... 80 or something kids who have even heard of it. And because you part of such a select group, you are 'filled with pride' at the thought of having something someone else doesn't. Well buster, not many people have inoperable flatulence or sit next to Matt either, so it's not like you're a fucking champ or anything.
    Or even fucking a champ for that matter, 'Steve's woman'.
    JaZ asks:
    ok hang on, i went to bli bli primary skool, whats wrong with that?? of course its a hole now, but thats only cause i'm not there! right??
    Volcom says:
    Hey, that's two questions. Yeh well, I'm going to have to charge you double.
    The first one: I think you've answered your own question about Bli Bli having something wrong with it right there, Missy. By your 'rad' spelling of school, the lack of capital letters in Bli Bli, the very poor punctuation and the overall uneducated 'feel' of your question, it would seem apparent that Bli Bli Primary School has, or at least had sub-standard education skills. Either that or there's something wrong with you. Which, to be honest, I'm more inclined to believe.
    Your second question: Your graduation from Bli Bli can only be seen as an improvement to the overall state of the school, not the positive affair you'd like it to be.
    In fact, your graduation also proves that either miracles do(!) happen, or it without a doubt proves a decline of primary school graduation standards. I'm sort of hoping it's the latter one, cause Matt having sex can only be described as a 'miracle', and I pray to our Jesus every night against that ever happening ever.
    NOTE: If you found any of the above difficult to read, Matt has written a translation here:
    ;-)
    Jake asks:
    Why do boys make me feel funny ? I'm not gay, but when they touch me it is arousing... especially when milfy shoves his penis up my arse
    Volcom says:
    Here we see a young man writing in a question annonymously, under the avatar of "Jake". Well, ok, 'Jake', I think it's plain to see you are quite, quite queer. But hey, that's no excuse not to lead a sort-of normal life, is it?
    Well, 'Jake', I think firstly you should tell your family about your 'funny feelings', then your friends, then announce it on the radio. After that, nicely suggest to Matt that you could be his little whore. After which, prepare to broaden your horizons... and your anus.
    Bonus: More about Matt:
    I have it on good word from several Highschool students that Matt is indeed gay, the first clue being his over effiminate penis and Dick Tracy-like profile. Secondly, he has a tendancy to change hair colours, he has a, quite frankly, 'retarded' laugh/cackle and he also shares a first name with another well known and openly homosexual student. So of course, Matt Strain MUST be gay!
    There are still more clues that suggest Matt's queerness, but I wish not to divulge them here, as even by saying them means I am automatically going to Hell.


     
     

    Please Note:
    I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
    All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
    "Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

    Go back and ask a question!