Oh, that Matt, he sucks.

The
"I Hate Matt"
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    • Ask Us Volume VII, December 2001

    Mr Mutha Fucka asks:
    Im available to rent if your interested... you can pick up a form in any good book stores.. my question is... should I admit to my needs for coco pops or should I keep it a secret?
    Volcom says:
    Yeah. Coco Pops... yeah. I don't know if there's anything funny or insightful for me to say, really. Well, I'll give insightful a go:
    As far as I'm concerned, a desire for 'darker' breakfast cereal, such as Coco Pops, suggests a desire for darker ethnicities aswell. Simply put, you fancy your ladies (and men?) to be from 'the dark side'. Even simplier put, you go for the black folk.
    Now I'm not sure what Jesus has to say about interracial couples, but I think they're dandy. I know I've had some 'ebony lovin' in my past adventures. Well, I thought about it at least. In the shower.
    So yeah, get yoself a big black momma boy, and when you is choosin' the right one, lemme give yo white ass a tip: The more meat, the more heat! Mmm Mmm! I tell you what nigga I could go me some big momma lovin' right now! Oh yeah nigga, this is real! The bigger the cushion the sweeter the pushin', know what I is sayin', cracker? Lord have mercy now.
    Milky Maid asks:
    Bronsons, I would like to know if you were bottle fed as an infant. I think that if you were it could explain you lack of tenderness. By the way, I am not really your mother or your ex-lover Allan.
    Volcom says:
    Mere hours after birth I was forced to go on a strict diet of horseradish, piglet meat and Apricot Roll-ups. I was a pretty tender kid until the day they stopped making the Apricot Roll-ups. I've searched high and low for those fuckers, with nought to be found anywhere. All they have are those God-awfully shit rainbow ones! Fuck!!!
    seriious asks:
    When in doubt, why do I always find myself naked in a wallmart, picking the labels off condoms and replacing them with "Try me" ones?
    Volcom says:
    How can you be in Wallmart and in Doubt at the same time? Ha-ha!
    I had no idea condoms had labels.

    rokuran san asks:
    I don't believe it, am i really asking a question at the "i hate matt dimension"?, it's like all my honaka's (spelled incorectly) come at once!!!!!
    Volcom says:
    Yeah you are sending a question. Bravo. You've now joined the prestigious list of 'Ask Us' personalities such as Steve's Woman, Seriious and Smitty. I think it's Chanuka you're looking for. You must be proud of your faith and heritage if you can't spell it. 4000 years of Jewish practice mocked by some little wanker who thinks he's Japanese.
    On second thought, I'm not even sure if you actually are asking a question. Your ambiguous use of punctuation (question mark followed by a comma? And then a lower case I?) poses more questions than it answers. Oh wait, I guess you did ask a question then.
    Smitty asks:
    I'm in love Bronson. Well, I think I am, and that is my question to you. Confused yet? Well I went TenPin Bowling Sunday night and the chick that gives you the red shoes was very fat and she wore a santa hat, obviously because of the festive season being imminent. I think I am in love with her, what are the tell-tale signs of being in love??? My only previous experience is my mother, my father, my brother and my other brother, and I guess you could add Cassidy and Fitzy and Steve Coghlan, oh well, do I love the fat chick with the santa hat???
    Volcom says:
    Smitty, why do you keep asking me questions? I'd start charging you for all my great help, but it's so fucking invaluable I can't put a price to it.
    So anyway, why not talk over your relationship problems with your mum? Or is she like, more of an ex-girlfriend to you? Either way Smitty, this is all fucked up and way beyond anything I can do.
    Anyway, I thought it best that I told your three crushes what you think of them. After sitting down with the boys and telling them about your unrequited passion for all three, they each had a very individual and... upsetting reactions. For starters, Fitzy started crying, Cassidy jumped a boat to Tasmania, and then Steve gave me a knowing smile and a flirtatious wink. I'm not sure about that guy.
    But I digress.
    I think I know that fat bitch from the bowling alley you're talking about. She has the appearance of a pig that's just eaten a whole pig.
    And she smells like bit of a bitch aswell.
     
     
    Please Note:
    I don't decide the subject matter for these questions dear, you do. I only give smart arse responses, so if you send in, or read a question and are offended by my response in some way, please send your complaints to gitfucked@whocares.i7.com.au.
    All questions are and remain © of the I Hate Matt Dimension after submision.
    "Ask Us" is produced and recorded in front of a live, studio audience, Bronson K Volcomstalker speaking.

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