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Battle #27: Antonia's Insights June 3, 2001
Setting: Nondescript City Markets
Player: Janice [Record: 4-1-2] Last battle: #22, Win v. Mrs Kairer

Let's see...I have to track down and destroy the TREE-WORSHIPPERS STALL.
Should I expect any assistance from you, NARRATOR?
JANICE expects a NARRATOR, imprisoned in a closet-sized STORAGE AREA with a character who smells like boiled spinach syrup, because of an ungrateful WEBMISTRESS who doesn't appreciate NARRATOR's efforts to treat her shock -
Exactly how badly do you want me to detach the STORAGE AREA from the wall and let it float through the PORTAL?
Okay, NARRATOR gets the IDEA!
What was NARRATOR up to?
TV NARRATOR: You were about to find a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE for me, weren't you?
KEEP TO YOUR SIDE OF THE AREA!
Hello, look at the beginning of this so-called BATTLE - My name is there. This whole situation is supposed to centre around me.
So the whole VERSION is meant to continually rearrange itself to centre around different CHARACTERS?
No wonder this WEBSITE'S such a mess!
There's no use standing around here listening to some silly NARRATOR go on and on - Just a couple more days 'til WORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY *shudder*, and there's a whole world out there to rescue from TREE-organised BRAINWASHING...
My first stop is - DO I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF?!
JANICE started running around the MARKET like a CHICKEN CHIKORITA with its HEAD cut off!
STALL OWNER #38: There's a beheaded CHIKORITA stampeding through the place! COVER YOUR PRODUCTS BEFORE THE BLOOD-SAP STAINS EVERYTHING!
Um...
NARRATOR watches JANICE blindly crash into various STALLS and screaming PEOPLE!
AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE...
JANICE can find the WORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY PROMOTERS at STALL #46?
WAAAAAHHHHH...
TV NARRATOR: Why don't we just let whoever she is knock herself unconscious and focus on WHERE I CAN FIND FOOD AND TOILETRIES!
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOMEONE SCREAMED IN YOUR EAR?!
TOILET TREES? AAAUUUGGGHHH...
>_<
NARRATOR used SETTING TRANSFER on STALL #46!
STALL #46 is directly in the PATH of JANICE's CRAZED RAMPAGE!
JANICE stampeded right into STALL...#75?

Setting: Stall #75

ANTONIA: Good gracious child, sit still!
...Easy for you to say...Don't you ever dust this place or something?
ANTONIA: No, I leave the COBWEBS to be picked up by destructive children like you.
Ooohhh, insightful...
What's with the sudden change in character?
ANTONIA: I just realised who you were and reacted accordingly.
: b Yeah, right. Just tell me where the TREE-WORSHIPPERS STALL is and I'm outta here, 'kay?
ANTONIA pulled out PERSPEX SPHERE from behind the STALL!
ANTONIA: It's a CRYSTAL BALL.
PERSPEX SPHERE.
ANTONIA: CRYSTAL BALL!
PERSPEX SPHERE!
ANTONIA: CRYSTAL BALL!
NARRATOR calls for a COMPROMISE!
PERSPEX SPHERE was officially renamed Glassy LIGHT GLOBE!
ANTONIA: ...Okay, here's the MYSTICAL LIGHT GLOBE. I'm putting it on the TABLE...like so...and it shall assist us in this SESSION. We just need to concentrate and gaze into it...like so...
'Like so' what?
ANTONIA: Like I'll smash it into your head so fiercely IF YOU KEEP THAT ATTITUDE!
Someone's in a very violent mood today.
ANTONIA: Hmm...You are JANICE...and you haven't got a last name since you technically have no parents. Correct?
You have no IDEA how wrong you are, do yo - How'd you know my name?
ANTONIA: Humph - I told you I was insightful.
Bet you just heard the NARRATOR scream it out earlier...You'll have to do better than that to make me believe that you're not just here to exploit people and charge them for it!
ANTONIA: I do that anyway...But look carefully at the LIGHT GLOBE and concentrate on what you see.
40W...'Make & Break Co.'...the usual wire thingies and blue filament thingy inside...
JANICE was hit with numerous GOLD BRACELETS!
OW! I didn't even do anything wrong yet!
ANTONIA: There's no such thing as 'the usual', especially when it comes to LIGHT GLOBES! You provoke it one more time and it will be the one to punish you!
ANTONIA looked at GOLD BRACELETS!
ANTONIA frowned!
Whoaa, vertical lines appear in the forehead... Scaaary...
ANTONIA: YOU'VE KNOCKED MY BRACELETS OUT OF SHAPE!
They've been the things that've been attacking me!
ANTONIA: Your PHYSICAL RESISTANCE has ruined my BRACELETS! You, former-GREENIE current-MANIAC, are subject to further disciplinary action by the BRACELETS until you surrender and apologise!
You accuse me of being a former-WHATEVER one more time and I'll - OWWW!!!
BRACELETS launched a full-on assault on JANICE!
Wait a minute! I have a RIGHT to defend myself against aggressive jewellery!
JANICE pulled out AXE!
Poor disfigured things...Time for a makeover!
JANICE started hacking into BRACELETS!
ANTONIA: !!!
DON'T HACK MY LOVED ONES INTO TINY LITTLE PIECES, I BEG OF YOU!
JANICE withdrew AXE!
*shrug* Oh well, it's too late for me to spare any of them. I still assert my RIGHTS though.
o_o; Since when did a shrug make noise?
ANTONIA: YOU'VE KILLED MY LOVED ONES, YOU VICIOUS MURDERER! I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PAY!
THEY STARTED IT!
'Sides, they'll be better off if you sneak into a MINT, melt them and make them into COLLECTORS' COINS.
LIGHT GLOBE started flickering!
?!
ANTONIA: It has something from the future, I believe.
LIGHT GLOBE lit up!
EEEEE!!! The LIGHT and HEAT'S burning through my eyelids!!!
JANICE knocked her FACE against the STALL!
ANTONIA: This is interesting...I see you posing for a PHOTO...in an outfit printed with little PLANTS...and you're hugging a small TREE while smilin -
AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
You're just trying to freak me out because I exercised my RIGHT to defend myself!
ANTONIA: The LIGHT GLOBE does not glow unless it has something to tell us. Do you dare accuse the LIGHT GLOBE of lying?
YOU CAN NOT TRICK ME WITH LIES! YOU'RE BOTH CONSPIRING AGAINST ME!
ANTONIA: All right LIGHT GLOBE, you may do as you please. I'll cover you.
LIGHT GLOBE started crashing into JANICE!
STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!
JANICE used STO PIT!
It's about as effective as a wet MATCH...unless it's been soaked in METHYLATED SPIRITS, maybe...
LIGHT GLOBE continues to crash into JANICE!
IF THIS IS AN OFFICIAL 'BATTLE', I'M USING STOMP!
JANICE used STOMP!
Critical hit!
It's times like this I'm glad I have rubber-soled SHOES...
JANICE was hit with recoil!
JANICE was burnt!
No I wasn't!
Yes, JANICE was!
JANICE lost her SHOES somewhere around STALL #24!
And JANICE's FEET are badly burnt!
Nothing happens unless I accept what you say has happened. So there.
JANICE can deny it for as long as she likes, but it won't stop her FEET from blistering!
JANICE used DENIAL CHANT!
I see nothing, I know nothing.
I see nothing, I know nothing.
I see...O_O
Are those things my FEET?
NARRATOR is certain they belong to somebody.
In that case: OOOOOWWWWW!!!!!
ANTONIA: You okay, LIGHT GLOBE?
LIGHT GLOBE flickered in affirmation!
ANTONIA: Get the girl while she's jumping around uncontrollably!
WAAAAATEEEEERRRRR!!!!!
LIGHT GLOBE hopes ANTONIA doesn't seriously want it to carry out a kamikaze-style ATTACK!
ANTONIA: I see what you mean.
OWWWIIIEEE!!!
NARRATOR scooped up some leftover LEAF STEW!
LEAF STEW, the therapeutic paste! Guaranteed to relieve burns or your money back! We'll even throw free delivery in!
Emergency sample with instant delivery? Y/N
YYYYYYYYYY
***INVALID COMMAND: This operation has performed an illegal operation and will receive the Shut Down Penalty.***
Stupid AUTOMATIC ADVERTISER...
LEAF STEW was dumped on JANICE!
...
ANTONIA: At least that saves me the trouble of having to help out a spoilt brat.
On that issue; that LEAF STEW has a distinctive decomposing smell to it, don't you think?
LIGHT GLOBE lacks a sense of SMELL!
LIGHT GLOBE feels like crying!
LIGHT GLOBE lacks EYES!
LIGHT GLOBE can not express itself properly!
LIGHT GLOBE threatens to slam itself into the STALL until it shatters!
LIGHT GLOBE lacks VOCAL CORDS!
-
ANTONIA: I was actually talking to the JANICE girl - or rather, the pile of decomposing leaves which has a few distinct characteristics belonging to the JANICE girl.
What did I do to deserve this?!
Aside from the fact that JANICE exists as a POKÉ BATTLES CHARACTER..Isn't that sufficient reason to deserve everything?
Maybe in another life...I was living a place which wasn't dominated by a screaming voice intent on making things a nightmare...
o_ô NARRATOR doesn't make anything a nightmare!
NARRATOR makes the conscious world a misery to live in!
Stop being so defensive! I'm trying to wallow in self-pity!
ANTONIA: Actually, Decomposing Leaves, I feel obliged to make you aware that this your first and only life, bar mercy from the WEBSITE COUNCIL...
LIGHT GLOBE began to flicker and move around on the TABLE!
ANTONIA's EYES glazed over!
She's probably going blind looking at the thing. >: )
ANTONIA: Speekink of whiich, I seee...a daark shadow surroouundink the entire world we live een, engulfink eet and collapsink een on eet, leavink nothink...shreeks of laughter before the deeaathly siilence...
I have a feeling that the RADIATION from the LIGHT GLOBE'S starting to affect her VOICE.
Eek...this can't be real...
Aren't you going to answer my QUESTION?
This isn't real...it's a mad CHARACTER, for crying out loud...
ANTONIA: ...the happee little mushrooomz weeel creeaate a new world and weeel leed a wonderful life, unteel toadstoolz enterr and try too taake overr...meenink the world weeel eventuallee bee no better than the one we are een...thus heestory repeets itself...
o_O I've had enough of this; I'm leaving the raving lunatic here with her ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT.
NARRATOR thinks that's the best IDEA she's heard for who-knows-how-long!
TV NARRATOR: How about my IDEA to smuggle candied broccoli in here? AT LEAST IT'S INTERESTING!
If TV NARRATOR really can't control that hyperactive MOUTH of his, NARRATOR will gladly shove a variety of PENCILS and PENS in!
*ahem* You can go and waste the rest of the day looking for a MENTAL INSTITUTION to put them in.
...
NARRATOR watches JANICE leave to do something unusually ordinary!
ANTONIA: Fleeka, LIGHT GLOOBE...Fleeka eentoo the tiime that ezz awaiting uss...
Blecch...NARRATOR isn't wasting time on organising a CLEAN-UP, a HOSPITAL and a MENTAL INSTITUTION!
Everyone can waste their own time sorting themselves out!

Setting: Bottomless Pit/Mt Moon
Player: Fred [Record: 3-7-0] Last battle: #23, 'Loss' v. Ash (by forfeit)

ABOUT TIME YOU CAME TO RESCUE US!
If FRED'S going to be like that, why shouldn't NARRATOR just walk away and leave things for another WEEK?
TIM: Heck, I should've risked the LEAF STEW business...I'd trade off massive debt for the ability to walk around...
DRAGONDAY notes that they've all been stuck in the area for the past 5 WEEKS!
WEEDLE is just glad to be away from Loser ASH!
So...the ANTI-GRAVITY FORCE was never removed from the time when...it must've been back in the days of RUSTEPI o_o
STARING AT US ISN'T VERY HELPFUL!
Fine - NARRATOR used GRAVITY FORCE!
ANTI-GRAVITY FORCE was overwritten with GRAVITY FORCE!
TIM landed face-down!
DRAGONDAY flew around - and crashed into falling WEEDLE!
AM I SUPPOSED TO LAND LIKE EVERYONE ELSE OR WHAT?
With all those CAPITAL LETTERS?
...
FRED was WHACKED THROUGH COUNTLESS BOULDERS!
X_X
TIM: Can anyone remember how the place was lit up last time?
DRAGONDAY shrugs!
WEEDLE was thrown off DRAGONDAY's WING!
WEEDLE thought there used to be small LAMPS around!
...
TIM: I guess no-one's around to keep an eye on this place now...Does someone have an electric TORCH or something?
DRAGONDAY shook its HEAD!
WEEDLE kicked - uh, tickled - DRAGONDAY for not taking better care of it!
...That's what we get for not knowing anyone who knows how to use FLASH!
MACROMEDIA FLASH! Useless for lighting caves! Perfect for creating more caves that no-one will ever escape from!
NARRATOR? For your own sake, don't make us agonise over how we'll get through MT MOON. You're only making everything worse.
NARRATOR tries to clean up the SELF-INTEREST leaking from the suggestion!
TIM: Maybe we could try creeping through the place...the NARRATOR might leave us alone...and then we'll have a chance to get out of here in less than THREE PIECES each?
LIGHT appeared!
Something happened easily for once? That can't be right!
TIM: Um, FRED...
LIGHT is coming from BOTTOMLESS PIT!
To be exact, from a LIGHT GLOBE in its dying moments!
ANTONIA: Waaatch...waaaiiit...the time eez comink when the happee little mushroomz weeel rule een a peeceful world...
o_O;; Weird.
TIM: HEY, FRED! Can't you respond to your own name?
Not when you say it -
GEODUD appeared!
GEODUD wants to fight!
Go eat GRAVEL.
DEMY got away safely -
GEODUD#2 appeared!
GEODUD#2 wants to fight!
I don't -
GEODUD#3 appeared!
GEODUD#3 wants to fight -
GEODUD#4 appeared!
GEODUD#5 appeared - GEODUD#6 - GEODUD - GEODU -
AUGGH!
WHY CAN'T WE MOVE FOR ONE SECOND BEFORE WE RUN INTO MORE GEODUD?!?!
TIM: I was trying to warn you not to jinx us by getting suspicious about the LIGHT!
Keep talking and I'll sacrifice you to the GEODUD.

Backtrack: Tell me one person who wouldn't go mad being stuck - in what is effectively a small box - with the Narrator from the TV series. Weirder characters are bad enough, but this prison... I WANNA GET OUTTA HERE!

Battle #28: Henchmencharacters Wanted June 10, 2001
Setting: Storage Area - Azure Version HQ
Player: TV Narrator [Record: 0-1-0] Last battle: #25, Loss v. Narrator

NARRATOR vows to tear TV NARRATOR to shreds the moment STORAGE is unlocked!
I thought I was doing you a favour!
Making people's STOMACHS churn at TV NARRATOR's request for FOOD hardly counts as a FAVOUR!
You ought to be grateful that I'm stopping you from starving to DEATH!
That's it, where's the nearest KNIFE SET?
...
...
You can't kill me! D'you want to make this whole place reek of NEWSPRINT?
BLUNT OBJECT was shoved into TV NARRATOR's BACK!
OW!
YOU CAN HAVE IT YOUR WAY IF YOU JUST STOP TRYING TO KILL ME!
NARRATOR doesn't want to kill TV NARRATOR!
Yeah, and I'm the most-hated voice in the POKÉMON TV SERIES!
NARRATOR wants to smash TV NARRATOR into UNIDENTIFIABLE PULP!
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
SO HURRY UP AND GO MUSHY ALREADY!
...Are you supposed to be psychologically disturbed, perchance?
o_O;;
Why doesn't NARRATOR just give TV NARRATOR one moment to write his own DEATH NOTICE?
...
Be like that, then!
PEN and PAPER was thrown at TV NARRATOR - Uh-oh.
Are you sure this is a PEN and PAPER you stuck in my SCALP - What?
NARRATOR thinks she can hear LOUD RUMBLING and THUMPING NOISES coming from the WEBMISTRESS' PLACE in REALITY!
It could've been an unknown OBJECT you collided with in here, maybe?
NARRATOR suspects the WEBMISTRESS' WASHING MACHINE is about to SELF-DESTRUCT!
Maybe she needs some help?
Aren't you forgetting that she's the one who threw you in here in the first place?
!
I HOPE YOU GET KILLED BY FALLING DEBRIS!
Aren't you also forgetting that she's the only one with the KEY to unlock STORAGE?
TV NARRATOR WOULD BE WISE TO SHUT UP AND WRITE HIS DEATH NOTICE ALREADY!
:-b
'NARRATOR, TV
Murdered in cold blood amidst unwanted objects in a storage area, on 10th June, 2001.
Was particularly fond of little-known delicacies such as pigs' trotters or whatever one calls them.
Remember that they taste best when boiled until their 'toenails' come off -'
*CLUNK*
X_X
>: ) I was wondering when that'd happen.
Now, time to brush up on my amazing NARRATION SKILLS, look for that MEANIE BALL OF FLUFF and get my overdue WAGE...

Setting: Abstractville
Player: Velvet [Record: 0-1-0] Last battle: #21, Loss v. RSACi Cloud

I declare this AREA to be the site of my HUTCH, from which I shall direct my PLANS of VENGEANCE!
It's not in my CONTRACT to dispute that, I guess...
As per your request, the 1cm² AREA directly beneath you shall be renamed HUTCH CONSTRUCTION ZONE!
Which shall be shortened to HCZ for the sake of my sanity!
ARE YOU REFUSING TO COOPERATE?
What were you expecting, a FOOTBALL FIELD?
From someone who's currently locked in with a nightmarish NARRATOR and has been forced to declare bankruptcy, YES I EXPECT MORE THAN A PATHETIC METRIC UNIT!
As per a secondary request, the FOOTBALL FIELD-SIZED AREA around you shall be renamed HCZ!
ABSTRACTVILLE COUNCIL: 'Your APPLICATION for CONSTRUCTION of a HUTCH in your designated AREA has been rejected due to the fact we don't go around giving PUBLIC SPACE to scrawny, arrogant CREATURES of the furred kind.'
Conquering CHARACTERS care not for BUREAUCRACY!
ABSTRACTVILLE COUNCIL: 'It is a good idea to note that 90% of your designated AREA is a BUILT-UP AREA, and thus negotiations with each and every RESIDENTIAL and BUSINESS OWNER to sell their PROPERTY must precede CONSTRUCTION. This message is about to conclude, after which time you may go and allow yourself to land up on various DINNER TABLES. *beep* ...'
The WEBMISTRESS seems to have a strange obsession with these so-called recorded MESSAGES...
Anyway TV NARRATOR, what exactly are you planning to do?
Actually...I can't talk about anything exact around here. Is it okay if I just outline some vague SUGGESTIONS?
NO. Tell me what you're going to do or I'll organise for your CONTRACT with the POKÉMON TV SERIES to be burnt at their next BONFIRE.
You wouldn't dare do that!
I wouldn't? You either cooperate, or watch your LIFE disintegrate into a hopeless, futile, waste of time where you'll be known as BABBLES THE HUMAN BALLOON.
*shudder* Not bad for a disturbed FUTURE HAT and MAIN COURSE...
SO GET ME THE STUFF A CONQUERING CHARACTER NEEDS - HENCHMEN AND HQ.
Doesn't POLITICAL CORRECTNESS mean you can only ask for HENCH-CHARACTERS?
READ MY LIPS. HENCHMEN AND HQ.
You don't even have LIP -
(:-&
- GLOSS. LIP GLOSS.
But that isn't important - I'll get going and work for the WAGE you still owe me...

Setting: 23 Hazy Avenue - 'T-Cartsba Place'
Player: Guy [Record: none]

Zzzzz...
Hey GUY, wake up! You're gonna be a professional HENCHMAN for a BALL OF FLUFF!
Zzzzz...
I s'pose he'll get the MESSAGE eventually and wake up. Now for the next NAME on this RECRUITS LIST - the sooner I get this done, the sooner I can get my PAY. TRIPE and MAPLE SYRUP on TOAST, here I come!
*FWAP*
...
NARRATOR looks at the pitiful attempt at narration!
NARRATOR replaces TV NARRATOR's DEATH NOTICE with an EXECUTION NOTICE!
There, much better. : )

GUY re-appeared!
Zzzzz...
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE THE RECIPIENT OF THE GRAND PRIZE - ELECTION AS PRESIDENT OF THE 'ASH KETCHUM FAN CLUB'! YOU HAVE JUST ONE MILLISECOND TO WRITE A 100-HOUR ACCEPTANCE OR REFUSAL SPEECH!
AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
I'M ONLY EIGHT YEARS OLD! I'M TOO YOUNG TO SUFFER SUCH A GRUESOME FATE!
Actually, let NARRATOR just check that again...
Don't worry, the COMPETITION ORGANISERS realised they meant to elect some other GUY.
I ought to sue those ORGANISERS for all they're worth - This is gonna haunt me for WEEKS!
NARRATOR can see why!
I mean, how could anyone do that to a fragile KID?! How many other people out there have PARENTS who name their sons GUY?!
NARRATOR doesn't know!
NARRATOR only knows that GUY is surrounded by numerous FEROCIOUS OBJECTS!
Don't worry, I know what happens when I stick KNIVES and FORKS into POWER POINTS.
>_< That wasn't what was meant by FEROCIOUS OBJECTS.
You've disturbed a growing CHILD for long enough, NARRATOR-voice. I need to try and sleep... Now to turn off the LAMP again...
LAMP declares that GUY belongs to it!
Uh, no. You're my LAMP.
LAMP insists that GUY is its possession!
Don't worry, you're just inflicted with a temporary MIND-SET of SUPERIORITY. Just let me switch you off and everything will be fine in the morning.
LAMP wants to know how long it's gonna take for GUY to realise he belongs to it!
*sigh* If that's what you want to believe... Turn yourself off, will you?
LAMP senses that GUY is still denying REALITY!
GUY will be better off in the long run once he accepts that he is owned by everything from his LAMP to his HOUSE!
STRUCTURE YOUR SENTENCES CORRECTLY! YOU BELONG TO ME, AND THAT IS MY POSITION ON THE MATTER FOREVERMORE!
LAMP sees that GUY refuses to move from his point of view!
At least we agree on that much.
LAMP will force GUY back into his proper place!
*sigh* Is it going to take a visit to SCHOOL and a lesson in ENGLISH to prove that you are my BELONGING?
LAMP is greatly amused by GUY's conviction that he is right!
HEY, YOU HAVE NO LEGAL RIGHT TO SEND ME TO PRISON BECAUSE I'M RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING - Sorry, that ANNOUNCEMENT about the PRESIDENCY has sorta shaken me up a bit.
GUY pulled LAMP's CORD out of POWER POINT!
SCISSORS stuck itself in the POWER POINT for no particular REASON!
C'mon, you're gonna be a HAZARD, and I don't want to be blamed for an ELECTRICAL ACCIDENT because of my SCISSORS -
ZZZPPP!!!
SCISSORS refuses to budge just because some stupid KID grabs it!
Whyyy meee...
NARRATOR hit the 'FAST FORWARD' BUTTON!
NARRATOR watches countless exciting EVENTS occur which would be worth narrating but won't be because of NARRATOR doesn't feel like it and if anyone does wants to know what's happening at the moment it's their tough luck!
'PLAY' BUTTON kicked 'FAST FORWARD' BUTTON into TV NARRATOR!
'FAST FORWARD' BUTTON fainted!
BATTLE returned to REAL TIME!

Setting: Abstractville Primary School

Can I ask for some INTERVENTION on your part, NARRATOR-voice?
To truly enter the COMPETITION to be PRESIDENT of the 'ASH KETCHUM FAN CLUB'? Sure, NARRATOR can pull a few STRINGS and -
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
Well, weirder things can happen...or did NARRATOR tell a blatant LIE at that moment?
Just bring MONDAY MORNING around so I can show my LAMP who owns whom. TUESDAY MORNING if you're kind enough to give us all a PUBLIC HOLIDAY for the QUEEN'S BIRTHDAY.
NARRATOR notes that all NETWORK SITES are checked for UPDATES on SUNDAY!
IS GUY PURPOSELY TRYING TO MAKE AZURE VERSION REMAIN UPDATE-LESS FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT?!
:-b Like anyone would even notice.
NARRATOR orders a second EXECUTION NOTICE to be written and delivered!
On the other hand...Do anything except make me carry this LAMP into a SUNDAY SCHOOL.
CHURCH HALL appeared!
o_o; Being predictable, I see.
PRIMARY SCHOOL has temporarily relocated into CHURCH HALL since the SCHOOL BUILDING declared that it belongs to nobody!
Um, yes...
GUY was slapped in the FACE with LAMPSHADE!
Owww!
That'll leave me EMOTIONALLY SCARRED for life!
GUY should've know better than to assume the worst of a NARRATOR!
Should I?
Unless TODAY'S the day GUY wants a PAINFUL DEATH.
Frightening others with threats of REPORTS and LITIGATION...I'll stick with living, thanks.
LAMP can't wait for GUY to make a complete IDIOT of himself and tells him to MOVE THOSE STUMPY LEGS OF HIS TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR!
At least I have LEGS - OWWW!
And LAMP has a long ELECTRICAL WHIP!
I'M GOING ALREADY!!!
DOOR jumped out of the way as it saw a screaming KID charging towards it and carrying a whipping LAMP!
GUY went through the DOORWAY...through the HALL...and into a stick of CHALK?
...
GUY's TEACHER appeared!
GUY's TEACHER: If you ever race into CLASS and collide with me in such a way again, you will be hanged from the RAFTER in this HALL! As it is, you've chipped half my FACE off, and it took THREE HOURS to apply MAKE-UP to it! YOU SAD EXCUSE FOR A STUDENT!
But the only thing wrong with your FACE is that giant CUT you got the other day when we were having PENCIL SHARPENER FIGHTS, right?
GUY's TEACHER: Your TEACHER'S just translating for me, you foolish little boy! I'm MISS LIME STONE, and you show me the utmost respect or I'll inflict the most horrific of TORTURE PRACTICES upon you!
Such as...?
GUY's TEACHER: Have you ever been stuck inside a room filled with CHALK DUST?
...Yeah.
GUY's TEACHER: In that case, you snotty brat, I'll have you know that such an experience is nothing compared to the TORTURE PRACTICES I can inflict. SO CLAMP THAT MOUTH OF YOURS SHUT AND SIT DOWN.
...
GUY's TEACHER: Now we have all of YEAR 3 here, may I remind you that you are to raise your HAND if you wish to ask a QUESTION. Make sure your QUESTION is worthwhile, however, or you may find a USED BLACKBOARD DUSTER wedged in your MOUTH.
Any QUESTIONS about what I just said before we move onto TODAY's LESSON?
LAMP used WHIP!
GUY's ARM was whipped into MILKY WAY!
GUY's ARM went travelling across the GALAXY!
It left without me? ;_;
LAMP rolled its EYES...uh, GLOBE!
LIGHT GLOBE fell out of its SOCKET and shattered!
LIGHT GLOBES and AZURE VERSION don't seem like a very good COMBINATION...
LAMP used SLAP!
GUY's OTHER ARM was slapped into the AIR!
GUY's TEACHER: WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU WRETCHED TWIT?
Uh...um...Can you please tell my LAMP here -
GUY's TEACHER: HAVE YOU LEARNT NOTHING IN YOUR 3½ YEARS OF SCHOOLING? THE LAMP IS NOT YOURS ANY MORE THAN I AM THE TRANSLATOR'S CHALK!
So why has some NARRATOR-voice been telling me that a PERSON - not a stick of CHALK - is my TEACHER?
GUY's TEACHER: Ignore everything besides what I tell you! The POSSESSION CYCLE works like this:

• Practically every OBJECT is subject to possession by another OBJECT.
• They all possess at least one HUMAN BEING.
• They are all subject to just one CREATURE, namely VELVET THE VILE.

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