Azure Version: Battles 1 and 2

Backtrack: A problem too terrifying to think about: explaining to Azure's Webmaster why I sort-of blew up what little was in it. But don't tell her yet.

Battle #1: A Change in Authority October 24, 2000
Setting: Azure Version HQ
Player: Narrator

NARRATOR is depressed!
I'm in soo much trouble now...What's the WEBMASTER going to say when she finds out I destroyed AZURE VERSION?
NARRATOR must be pretty slow to not realise that AZURE VERSION still lives!
Huh? YAY!!! But wait a second, who's narrating if I'm not?
IT'S THE WEBMASTER YOU IDIOT!
Okay. I was just wondering why the narrating was so boring.
WEBMASTER doesn't have to take that sort of attitude!
It's bad enough the NARRATOR couldn't get the story off the ground after 3 prequels, OR pass the INITIATION TEST!
NARRATOR now has to be DEMOTED!
Wait a sec! Backtrack there, what INITIATION TEST?
WEBMASTER is LOL!
Now WEBMASTER is ROTFL!
WHAT?!
WEBMASTER explains the INITIATION TEST was the 'report' to the COPYRIGHT REGULATORS about AZURE and AQUA VERSIONS!
I don't think that's very funny! How was I supposed to know better?
All NARRATORS are tested with this INITIATION TEST!
It is used to see if the NARRATOR can stay CALM, knowing such matters belong to the WEBMASTER, and also that AQUA VERSION doesn't send out COPYRIGHT REGULATORS to sue people!
@#$%&.
WEBMASTER adds that NARRATOR has failed! By a million miles!
Well, you can't exactly get rid of me. The WEBMASTER can't become NARRATOR, and the current AUTHOR isn't interested in being the NARRATOR, remember? And that's all three personalities in AZURE WEBMASTER!
WEBMASTER says NARRATOR will be DEMOTED according to POKÉ BATTLES NETWORK rules!
But who's supposed to replace lovable me?
WEBMASTER says NARRATOR shouldn't kid itself!
New NARRATOR will be LECTURE LADY!
Are you talking about your ex-friend who you got to help you edit your first website BUTTERFREE'S POKÉMON CORNER, then tried to take over the website and world?
LECTURE LADY appeared!
LECTURE LADY: Who else would it be?
NOOO!!!
WEBMASTER demands to know why NARRATOR is protesting when it can't do anything about it!
One, because LECTURE LADY is your enemy now!
Two, Lecture Lady tried to kill me!!!
WEBMASTER announces that she and LECTURE LADY are friends again!
WEBMASTER adds that she can't remember why she bothered saving NARRATOR from LECTURE LADY in the first place!
Why is life so cruel?!
WEBMASTER is tired of AZURE VERSION being so eventless! VISITORS are leaving as this is happening, and AZURE VERSION NEEDS VISITORS!
NARRATOR is renamed FAILURE!
LECTURE LADY is renamed NARRATOR!

Player: Failure [Record: none]

Great, not only do I have a stupid name now, I've been chucked out of my purpose in life!
NARRATOR is SNICKERING!
NARRATOR doesn't give a stuff whether FAILURE lives or dies!
NARRATOR just wants to have some fun with FAILURE, then AZURE VERSION's MAIN CHARACTER!
You mean FRED?
NARRATOR thinks that's pretty obvious!
But I went to a lot of trouble to get him out of PRISON! He's my character, and I'm the only one who has the right to kill him!
NARRATOR doesn't want to kill FRED. (Yet.)
I heard that!
NARRATOR knows that!
FAILURE was supposed to hear that!
NARRATOR is sick of this PROCRASTINATING!
PROCRATINATING went flying out the window!
PROCRASTINATING fainted!
NARRATOR will rule over AZURE VERSION like no one else can! With an IRON FIST!
I can rule with a DIAMOND FIST! I want a battle!
NARRATOR is SHOCKED!
That FAILURE thinks she stands a chance against the NARRATOR!
Are you going to fight or not?
NARRATOR thinks this will be interesting!
NARRATOR accepts FAILURE's CHALLENGE!

FAILURE wants to fight!
Go, me!
FAILURE sent out ME!
Windows ME, available now!
Don't mention the other evil of our world!
WINDOWS and MICROSOFT rule!
Hey!
FAILURE's attack greatly fell!
FAILURE's attack sank to the remains of the TITANIC!
TITANIC, available on video for sale or hire!
Stop advertising!
NARRATOR is getting MONEY for AZURE VERSION!
Without VISITORS, MONEY is the only thing which keeps AZURE VERSION in existance!
So FAILURE can just SHUT UP!
Me, use SCREECH!
ME SCREECHED!
There's still the occasional bug in Windows.
Get to the point!
NARRATOR has EAR PLUGS, available at your local chemist!
And?
SCREECH doesn't affect NARRATOR!
Darn.
NARRATOR used MAJESTIC POWER!
MAJESTIC POWER caused LIGHTNING!
To strike FAILURE!
ZZZPPP!!!
FAILURE is fried to a crisp before she can even scream!
Too bad.
FAILURE fainted!
NARRATOR is ROTFL!
FAILURE is flicked into the UNEXPLORED DEPTHS OF AZURE VERSION!
NARRATOR is renamed MAJESTIC NARRATOR!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR leaves, searching to FIND and KILL FRED!

Backtrack: Yes, the Majestic Narrator rules! Now it's time to get rid of that Fred in one of the most memorable battles ever...

Battle #2: An Ultimate Battle October 26, 2000
Setting: Azure Version / Reality
Player: Fred [Record: still none]

MAJESTIC NARRATOR is looking for FRED!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR finds FRED...face-down in the ground and looking as if he has been run over by a TRUCK!
Mmmph...
MAJESTIC NARRATOR can't understand you!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR makes FRED stand up and dust himself off!
Why'd you have to try blowing up AZURE VERSION?
MAJESTIC NARRATOR yells that it did no such thing!
It was the FAILURE of a NARRATOR that did!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is the NEW NARRATOR!
I could've heard that without the louder-than-loud voice.
MAJESTIC NARRATOR demands RESPECT!
FRED is already top priority on AZURE VERSION's HIT LIST!
What for?!
FRED is only here because of the FAILURE of a NARRATOR!
Thus, FRED must be destroyed!
I never thought I would miss the old NARRATOR...
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is starting the new era of AZURE VERSION NOW!

TIM appeared!
TIM is running!
TIM collided into FRED!
OWWW!!! What do you think you're doing, you nut?!
TIM is looking around nervously!
TIM screams that they're out to get him!
Who's 'they'? There's no one else here!
TIM can see them coming!
TIM starts running again!
Back into FRED!
You idiot of a nut!
SOMETHING fell out of TIM's POCKET!
FRED picks up SOMETHING and looks at it!
SOMETHING was renamed BOTTLE!
What are these...something with a really long name...what are these for, TIM?
TIM is running around in circles, trying to escape 'them'!
Will you stop doing that?
TIM can't!
TIM is afraid that if he stops running, he'll be caught by them and be beheaded for treason against HIS COUNTRY!
Oh, great, a paranoid halluncinist. Just what I need - TIM, will you just stop screaming like a GIRL and take your MEDICATION?!
TIM pauses!
TIM says he doesn't know anything about MEDICATION, but it sounds PAINFUL!
TIM can't understand why there's a TALKING MOUNTAIN in front of him!
TIM freaks out!
TIM is PARALYSED!
TIM may not attack!
Good.
FRED took two PILLS out of BOTTLE!
PILLS are shoved down TIM's THROAT!
TIM fell over, still PARALYSED!
I can't believe this stupid guy.
FRED had better believe it!
TIM is going to be AZURE VERSION's NEW MAIN CHARACTER!
WHAT?! You must be crazy!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is not crazy!
Just a little tired.
CLOCK in MAJESTIC NARRATOR's WORLD reads 11:30 pm!
On a SCHOOL NIGHT!
Go to sleep before anything weirder happens!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is doing this DELIBERATELY!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is having more fun than it's ever had!
TIM is standing up again!
Oh no...
TIM: Hi. What the heck are you wearing prison clothes for?
I've been to a HALLOWE'EN PARTY and lost all my other CLOTHES in a HOUSE FIRE. Hey, you're acting normal!
TIM doesn't know what FRED's rattling on about!
TIM also wants to know why he's here, and what FRED is doing with his MEDICATION!
You dropped it while screaming like a nut!
TIM can't remember that!
Well, MAJESTIC NARRATOR, make him remember!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR thinks it will be more fun if he can't!
TIM wants to fight!
I don't wanna fight! Just take your stupid MEDICATION and jump off a CLIFF!
FRED hands over BOTTLE to TIM!
TIM decides to give up wanting to fight!
Thank you!
TIM thinks FRED is a very MEAN PERSON and deserves to be in PRISON!
Why?!
Because FRED has been rude ever since TIM came!
TIM doesn't even know FRED's NAME!
Haven't you been listening? Read the RED TEXT!
TIM doesn't like the colour RED!
It reminds him of being stuck in a MENTAL INSTITUTION, just because he sees the occasional PERSON or POKÉMON dancing on his HEAD and thinks he's being STALKED by...something!
Yeah...if you say so. I'm FRED.
TIM says he's TIM!
Yeah, I know already.
TIM needs his MEDICATION to stop him seeing STRANGE THINGS or STALKERS!
You don't have much of a life, do you?
TIM says the way the conversation is going so far, FRED isn't all that INTERESTING either!
TIM thinks FRED is BORING and doesn't deserve to BE FREE!
Hey, have you got some sort of association with MAJESTIC NARRATOR?
TIM doesn't think so!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR realises making this BATTLE the ULTIMATE BATTLE is going to be harder than it looked!
CLOCK reads 11:50 pm!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR needs to throw in something GOOD before MAJESTIC NARRATOR falls more asleep than it is!
EVIL EEVEE appeared!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR fell asleepppppppppp

October 27, 2000

MAJESTIC NARRATOR is finally able to continue the ULTIMATE BATTLE!
Mmpph!!!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR suspects FRED and TIM are looking funny because they were PARALYSED!
FRED and TIM are cured!
Thanks a lot for leaving us here for almost 24 hours! The stupid EVIL EEVEE used GLARE on us and froze us in place! And IT'S STILL HERE!
It's times like this that the MAJESTIC NARRATOR is glad FRED will soon be destroyed!
Do you have to remind me about that?
Absolutely!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR has to make FRED's last moments alive as miserable as possible!
That is why TIM is here!
TIM took offence at that remark?!
TIM allied with FRED?!!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR demands to know why TIM has betrayed the one that helped him to get here!
TIM: It's because we've been doing a bit of mind-to-mind conversation while frozen, and we're not willing to be pushed around by some NARRATOR that comes and goes whenever it likes!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is enraged!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR would add TIM to the AZURE VERSION HIT LIST if he wasn't going to be the only one left after FRED is destroyed!
But back to EVIL EEVEE...who is currently about to devour a WEEDLE!
TIM thinks this is going to be really gross!
I have to rescue this thing from being eaten by this EVIL EEVEE! I need a POKÉMON so I can survive in AZURE VERSION!
TIM is wondering why FRED just doesn't capture EVIL EEVEE!
It's too powerful for me to capture. A weak POKÉMON will be easier.
TIM isn't sure how FRED is supposed to go near EVIL EEVEE then!
Whoops. I didn't think of that.
MAJESTIC NARRATOR off-handedly remarks that no POKÉMON should be judged by its name!
I guess that's true...
FRED goes up to EVIL EEVEE!
FRED has a FIGHT with EVIL EEVEE for the SCARED WEEDLE!
SCARED WEEDLE runs behind FRED's FOOT!
EVIL EEVEE lost!
EVIL EEVEE's EVILNESS increased sky-high!
Big deal.
EVIL EEVEE latched onto FRED's FOOT with its TEETH!
AUUGGHH!!! I'm in pain!!! Get off me, you bloodthirsty EVIL EEVEE!
EVIL EEVEE moved away from FRED...without letting go of his FOOT!
FRED's FOOT was torn off!
OH, @#$%&!!!!!!!!!!
EVIL EEVEE begins to devour FRED's FOOT!
TIM is certain he saw the FOOT twitch by itself!
TIM fainted in disgust!
FRED is BLEEDING TO DEATH!
I suppose you think this is FUNNY!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is laughing like never before!
This is better than watching people in those TV BLOOPERS!
FRED is STILL DYING!
The least you could do is let me die QUICKLY!
That would be no fun!
The more suffering and gore, the better!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is going to sleep now!
Maybe tomorrow, if MAJESTIC NARRATOR is feeling a little bad, FRED will get to DIE!
Note the KEYWORD 'IF'!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR left!
AUTHOR is called on to SUPERVISE!

AUTHOR is making it clear that its role within POKÉ BATTLES is to only KEEP WATCH, not to DO ANYTHING!
BUT I'M IN PAIN AND NO ONE CARES!
AUTHOR hates this part of the job!
All the complaining and none of the PLOT-MAKING!
AUTHOR has no choice but to SIT AROUND and WATCH OVER ALL CHARACTERS!
AUTHOR glimpses EVIL EEVEE eating a FOOT!
AUTHOR thinks it saw the FOOT TWITCH by itself!
AUTHOR turned away for a SECOND to THROW UP!
Heellppp...
FRED is practically DEAD without INTERVENTION by the NARRATOR!
FLURRY OF AZURE COLOUR rushed past!
FRED is - FINE?!!!
EVIL EEVEE is nowhere to be found!
TIM is very slowly REGAINING CONSCIOUSNESS!
WEEDLE is womdering how a FOOT reappeared in front of it!
So is everyone!
MIRACLE OF MIRACLES! Someone out there pities me!
Everyone is confused!
Everyone hurt themselves in their CONFUSION!
A series of 'OW's are heard!
AUTHOR gives up!
AUTHOR just can't get used to being a NARRATOR!
Everyone is confused no more!
Does anyone know who restored my FOOT? It's looking as good as it was, so it must've been some force beyond AZURE VERSION's WORLD. Hmmm...
AUTHOR wouldn't have a CLUE!
WEEDLE didn't see anything!
TIM thought it must've been the FLURRY OF AZURE COLOUR that came by as he was starting to REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS!
TIM's STUPID THEORY is ignored!
AUTHOR realises that MAJESTIC NARRATOR will be REALLY MAD to see FRED is ALIVE and WELL!
AUTHOR wants nothing to do with the matter!
AUTHOR ran for the safety of AZURE VERSION HQ!
...
Does this mean I have to do a one-person talking show? Too bad you guys need the GAME TEXT to speak. Let's just get this straight: WEEDLE'S gonna be my POKÉMON, and TIM and me are ALLIES. What we need is for TIM to get a POKÉMON, then we can destroy the @#$%& EVIL EEVEE and the so-called MAJESTIC NARRATOR.
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is back early!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR sees FRED ALIVE, WELL, and with a POKÉMON!
The ULTIMATE BATTLE was a dud!
What went wrong?
Read the TEXT above, you too-nasty-for-words NARRATOR.
MAJESTIC NARRATOR has no CHOICE!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR read the TEXT from after it left until now!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is FUMING with FURY!
It hates it when something is out of its control!
It vows to find out what the FLURRY OF AZURE COLOUR was and wipe it out of the history books!
You mean you believe TIM's THEORY? You must be tired tonight.
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is also GROUCHY!
And doesn't want a single battle to stretch out over THREE DAYS!
TWO DAYS is bad enough!
FRED has to be DESTROYED NOW!
A GROUP OF RABBITS appeared...bouncing towards FRED, TIM and WEEDLE!
Are they supposed to be cute? If you want to destroy me, you'll have to do better than that.
FRED doesn't know the FULL STORY yet!
The GROUP OF RABBITS are infected with the highly contagious disease MYXAMITOSIS-or-whatever-it's-called!
So?
FRED is doomed to become ILL and DIE from a RABBIT DISEASE!
It will not only be PAINFUL, it will be EMBARRASSING!
But aren't you forgetting that it's only transferred from RABBIT to RABBIT! And that RABBITS die within hours of INFECTION?
MAJESTIC NARRATOR doesn't care for such petty facts!
RABBITS do?!
All RABBITS DIE?!!!
You know TIM, these RABBITS could come in useful for something.
TIM doesn't want to go near DEAD RABBITS!
Especially when there are at least 4000, and are quickly decaying!
Forget I said anything.
MAJESTIC NARRATOR is suddenly feeling better!
The LEAD RABBIT is STILL ALIVE!
It happens to be IMMUNE to the DISEASE, and is the most PSYCHO of all RABBITS!
LEAD RABBIT is renamed SILKSTER!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
SILKSTER demands to know what is so funny!
Your really, really STUPID NAME!
SILKSTER has to agree on that point!
SILKSTER is still CRINGING about the MEMORIES of being owned by a little girl who thought it was a GIRL RABBIT!
It used to be called SILKY!
Now everyone is ROTFL!
Even the MAJESTIC NARRATOR!
SILKSTER's HATEFUL ATTITUDE greatly rose!
SILKSTER: When in doubt, call in BACK-UP!
BACK-UP appeared!
BACK-UP was renamed ANARCHY!
FRED, TIM and WEEDLE stopped laughing!
Only MAJESTIC NARRATOR, SILKSTER and ANARCHY are still LAUGHING!
It's 3-ON-3, and guess who's going to WIN?!
...
Where is a TERRIFIED RESPONSE?
...
MAJESTIC NARRATOR has just realised that FRED, TIM and WEEDLE have run away!
There can be no ULTIMATE BATTLE!
REALITY hits MAJESTIC NARRATOR, SILKSTER and ANARCHY!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR says...something...then realises it has to go to school tomorrow!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR makes SILKSTER and ANARCHY faint!
MAJESTIC NARRATOR leaves, still muttering...something.
REALITY wins!

>>To Battles 3 and 4
>>To the front page