War On Terror

In an interview on Iraqi television, the new Iraqi president says that Saddam Hussein has confessed to ordering the deaths of thousands. A confession! Or, as California juries call it, reasonable doubt.-Jay Leno

The nephew of Saddam Hussein has been arrested for making bombs. Saddam is his uncle. Gee I hope this isn’t something that gives the family a bad name.-David Letterman

Big summit at the U.N., and President Bush warned the president of Syria to stop letting terrorists into Iraq. And then the president of Syria warned Bush to start paying attention to natural disasters.-David Letterman

According to reports now, Iraqi officials have embezzled over one billion dollars. One billion dollars! So apparently they really do have a U.S.-style democracy.-David Letterman

Let’s start off with some good news - North Korea has agreed to halt their nuclear weapons program. The bad news they’re going to keep making the Kia.-Jay Leno

Officials say that Iraqi leaders have embezzled over $2 billion from the Pentagon. Halliburton found this out and said, "Hey we were going to embezzle that!” -David Letterman

Politics

President Bush is about to end his five week vacation. He’s now spent twenty percent of his presidency on vacation. Compared to Clinton who spent twenty percent of his presidency on an intern.-David Letterman

It’s a big Labor Day weekend for President Bush. Only three more days of ducking anti-war moms.-David Letterman

Seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend; you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people.-Bill Maher

Al Gore gave a speech this week criticizing the Bush administration, really attacked him. And then Gore took questions from some of the other people waiting in line at Starbucks.-Jay Leno

Welcome to our 3000th show tonight. I was thinking about that. We did our first show in May of 1992; a man named George Bush was president, his approval rating was only 39%. And someone named Clinton wanted to replace him in the White House. So nothing has changed really.-Jay Leno

President Bush's nephew, John Ellis Bush, who is Jeb Bush's son, was arrested for public drunkenness and resisting arrest. Apparently the family's concerned that this behavior will hurt his chances of having a political career. But it didn't hurt Uncle George.-Jay Leno

According to the latest polls, President Bush's approval ratings are at an all-time low. In response, President Bush said 'Yeah, but my disapproval ratings are at an all-time high.-Conan O'Brien

It was announced today that the FBI is recruiting agents for an anti-obscenity task force. The FBI said they'll divert agents from other areas to fight a war on pornography, or as President Bush is calling them, weapons of mass erections. Let me ask you something. A war on pornography? Did I miss something? Did we catch bin Laden?-Jay Leno

Now here's some sad information coming out of Washington. According to reports, President Bush may be drinking again. And I thought, 'Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking.-David Letterman

In an announcement today President Bush said all federal workers should travel less to save fuel. He decided on this in Texas, right before he flew to Colorado then back to Washington to prepare for tomorrow’s trip back to Texas.-Jay Leno

Eighty-seven year old Democratic Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia announced he’s seeking another term. He wants six more years. But then so does every 87 year old.-Jay Leno

I was watching that reality show where they kick someone out of the house. Tom Delay.-Jay Leno

Tom Delay says he has a new priority in life. Outlawing prison rape.-Jay Leno

Remember when Republicans like Newt Gingrich or Bob Livingston would get in trouble for sex scandals. Tom Delay is in trouble over money. Or as Republicans call it, a return to traditional values.-Jay Leno

Today "The New York Times” reporter Judy Miller was released from jail. They had to release her to make room for Tom Delay.-Jay Leno

Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he was stripped of his congressional leadership powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his power, DeLay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'-Conan O'Brien

President Bush says he wants to put a man on the moon by 2018. I didn’t even know we had oil on the moon.-Jay Leno

First Lady Laura Bush is going to guest star on a special edition of 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.' She'll be helping rebuild a shelter in Biloxi, Mississippi and applying oils to Ty Pennington's chest. You know, the last First Lady to have a screwdriver in her hand was Betty Ford.-Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Dick Cheney

Vice President Dick Cheney will have elective surgery or, as his doctors call it, a pre-autopsy.-Jay Leno

Vice President Dick Cheney is going to have elective surgery on an aneurysm they found on an artery behind his knee. See apparently they bypassed Cheney’s heart so many times they’re now halfway down his leg. -Jay Leno

At the vice president’s press conference a heckler kept yelling obscenities at him and had to be taken away. Let me tell you something -- this time Hillary has gone too far.-Jay Leno

The other event that has people on edge this weekend, Vice President Cheney will undergo surgery for an aneurysm, and while he is under anesthetic, a man named George Bush will be in charge.-Bill Maher

It's actually a procedure to correct an aneurysm behind Cheney's knee. Boy, you know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack on your knee. But the Vice President feels good about it. He's surrounded by loved ones, his wife Lynne and Halliburton.-Bill Maher

President Bush sent Vice President Dick Cheney to New Orleans. Is that what they need down there? Another person requiring emergency medical help?-Jay Leno

Vice President Dick Cheney was down in New Orleans over the weekend along with hundreds of doctors, nurses and emergency medical people. Unfortunately, they were all helping Cheney.-Jay Leno

A White House spokesman has announced that Dick Cheney’s recovery is exceeding his doctor’s expectations. Which means – he’s still alive.-Jay Leno

LA Power Outage

It was kind of scary because when the power went out all over the city a lot of people thought it was al Qaeda. Turns out the power line was accidentally cut by a department of water of power employee. Turns out it wasn’t terrorism…just incompetents! I feel so much better now! -Jay Leno

Well as I’m sure you know, we had a huge power outage here in Los Angeles yesterday. Two million people lost power. NBC was actually off the air. Here’s the sad part – the ratings never changed.-Jay Leno

Did you hear what rapper Kayne West said about the power outage? He said 'George Bush does not care about blackouts.-Jay Leno

I tell you a lot of industry was affect by the blackout. In fact, up in Barstow, a lot of the meth labs are still not back online. -Jay Leno

Arnold Schwarzenegger

It's been reported today that Democrats in California are trying to find a candidate to run against Arnold Schwarzenegger. Unfortunately, the only candidate who's as qualified as Schwarzenegger is Vin Diesel.-Conan O'Brien

The California legislature became the first legislative body in the country to legalize same-sex marriages. If signed by the governor, California gays would finally be able to marry someone other than Liza Minnelli.-Jay Leno

Arnold Schwarzenegger will announce tomorrow whether he plans to run for a second term. Or as he calls it - a sequel. I think it’s good news if he decides to run. You know that he's not planning to go back into acting.-Jay Leno

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will veto the gay marriage bill. If he does veto the bill it will be the biggest setback for gays since Cher announced her retirement.-Jay Leno

How many think Arnold should run for another term? How many think it’s time for California to be governed by a new action hero like Sylvester Stallone or Chuck Norris? -Jay Leno

The Supreme Court

William Rehnquist, The 80-year-old chief justice died Saturday after spending 33 years on the court. That means that, with a Supreme Court vacancy and a city known for debauchery destroyed, God has listened to Pat Robertson twice in one week.-Jon Stewart

President Bush is actually busy trying to fill two vacancies. One for the Supreme Court and another one at FEMA. -David Letterman

Did you know you don't even have to be a lawyer to be on the Supreme Court? You don't even have to be a lawyer. Just like you don't have to be an emergency expert to work for FEMA.-Jay Leno

Yesterday, President Bush spoke at the funeral of Chief Justice William Rehnquist. One kind of embarrassing moment happened when halfway through the eulogy, President Bush realized by mistake he'd brought along the speech he was supposed to give at Gilligan's funeral. When he said "Goodbye, little buddy” little embarrassing. -Jay Leno

Supreme Court chief justice nominee John Roberts said in his confirmation hearings that he has no agenda and no platform. You know what that means, he could be the next Democratic presidential candidate.-Jay Leno

The senators all get to begin with opening statements, and earlier today Ted Kennedy took ten minutes to tell his version of the Aristocrats.-David Letterman

Hey, I watched some great softball today. The Senate hearings on John Roberts.-Jay Leno

If there's one person who felt the pain of what's going on down there and commemorated the victims of Katrina more than anyone else, it's Judge John Roberts, because he observed an entire week of silence.-Bill Maher

Bill Clinton said he doesn't know if his wife Hillary will vote for Judge Roberts ...but if he sees her in the next year or so he'll bring it up. -Jay Leno

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced that she has decided to vote against the nomination of John Roberts for the Supreme Court. She said it was a matter of conscience. And when she explained this to her husband Bill he said, "A matter of what?” -Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton has announced she is going to vote no on Judge Roberts. Today Bill Clinton told John Roberts "Don’t take it personally, I get no from her all the time.” -Jay Leno

John Roberts was sworn in today as chief justice of the Supreme Court. They said he might get a license plate for his limo that reads chief justice #1. And it could be made by Tom Delay. -Jay Leno

The Economy

Gas stations are getting cocky. The service station by my house, instead of the price on that board, they just have a hand giving you the finger.-Jay Leno

Gas has gone up ten cents since that last joke. -David Letterman

Hawaii has the highest gas prices in the country: $4 a gallon! That’s why I don’t go there to fill up.-Jay Leno

Good news, today I filled my gas tank today for under $20....it was for my lawnmower but it still counts.-Jay Leno

Gas is so expensive in L.A. I actually saw a hummer the other day with two people inside. -Jay Leno

Crime is back up in New York City. Today thieves robbed an armored truck. They left the money but siphoned the gas.-David Letterman

It’s tax free week here in New York City. Anything clothing under $110 is tax free. Good luck! The only clothing in New York City under $110 are oven mitts! -David Letterman

Because of all the fuel shortages, President Bush asked all Americans to cut back on unnecessary travel. You know, like trips to Iraq?-Jay Leno

Saudi Arabia said today that they have twice the oil they thought they had. Which means they can screw us twice as much as they thought they could.-Jay Leno

I’m not sure if Bush really understands these energy issues. Like today when a reporter asked about alternative fuels he said, "This is not a gay issue.”-Jay Leno

President Bush is asking people to conserve gasoline and only drive when it is absolutely 100% necessary: for example, if you live in Los Angeles, stay off the freeway unless you have to shoot somebody.-Jay Leno

In a speech earlier this week, President Bush asked Americans to conserve gas by stopping non-essential travel. Then the president flew to Hawaii to make the same speech.-Conan O'Brien

Extreme Weather

Hurricane Rita, this is like the 9th hurricane out this season. Maybe this isn't the time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance.-Jay Leno

But Hurricane Rita, I mean, that doesn't sound powerful. Even Katrina, you see what I'm saying? We need hurricane names that let you know how unpredictable and dangerous they are. Like Hurricane Courtney Love.-Jay Leno

Hurricane Rita, hitting Florida, and this time President Bush is not screwing around. He is not taking any chances. Earlier today, President Bush sprang into action and evacuated all the crooked voting machines out of Florida.-David Letterman

Hurricane Rita is supposed to make landfall in Texas, which is good for Barbara Bush because she can insult survivors closer to home.-Bill Maher

Hurricane Ophelia is gaining strength off the coast of the Carolinas. The Bush administration is preparing to ignore it. -David Letterman

Hurricane Ophelia and the one in New Orleans was Hurricane Katrina. Maybe if we didn’t name these things with cute girl names people would take them more seriously.-David Letterman

President Bush, I don’t think he understands a lot of these things. Like today he announced his solution to global warming. Global air conditioning.-Jay Leno

President Bush keeping track of Hurricane Rita hitting his home state of Texas. That’s Bush’s worst nightmare. An electric chair with no power.-Jay Leno

In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared, quote, 'This is a big storm.' In related news, the White House announced earlier today that the president is writing his own speeches.-Conan O'Brien

Hurricane Katrina

As you know, last week the people of New Orleans were hit by a WMB - weapon of mass bureaucracy. -Jay Leno

The celebrities are now getting involved. That’s what they need. Forget the food and water, bring in the celebrities! Today Celine Dion criticized President Bush for not getting more people out of the city before the hurricane. She went on to say that she could have driven everyone out in two songs.-Conan O'Brien

Even President Bush, almost a week later, President Bush said his administration's response to Katrina was unacceptable. Then he said 'Hey, don't blame me, I was on vacation.-Jay Leno

One nice thing is a lot of foreign countries are helping us out. Like today, France sent a donation. They sent a truckload of white flags for people to wave when they're waiting to be rescued.-Jay Leno

Who would have known we’d be better off with President Bush on vacation? -David Letterman

Although, to his credit, President Bush did respond quickly and he did send troops as soon as he found out Louisiana had oil.-Jay Leno

A Mexican army convoy crossed over the border this week to give us aid and water. Boy, you know your country's in trouble when the Mexicans are bringing you drinkable water.-Bill Maher

Everyone is still talking about Hurricane Katrina. Experts say it could take 80 days to drain all of the flood water out of New Orleans. When President Bush heard this he said, '80 days, that’s half a vacation.-Conan O'Brien

Our president isn't exactly getting high marks for his handling of the catastrophe. People don't seem to realize, yes the hurricane has been devastating to the people who live in that area, but it has also ruined the last three days of his vacation. He has suffered too.-Jimmy Kimmel

Hurricane Katrina is George Bush's Monica Lewinsky. The only difference is that tens of thousands of people weren't stranded in Monica Lewinsky's vagina.-Jon Stewart

Congress announced a plan to rename the Gulf of Mexico. They want to call it Persian Gulf 2 in hopes that President Bush would send troops there faster.-Jay Leno

All in all, 16 Texas oil refineries remain shut down after the storms. Analysts say it's the worst thing to happen to the Texas oil industry since George W. Bush worked in it.-Jon Stewart

This week there's going to be a New Orleans benefit concert in Madison Square Garden featuring Elton John, Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks. Apparently, their plan to save New Orleans is to send it back to the '70s.-Conan O'Brien

Although the waters have receded from New Orleans, it's still a huge, huge problem and will be for months to come. You see the fresh water is contaminated with oil and gas. Actually, from Dick Cheney's perspective, the oil and gas is contaminated with fresh water.-Jay Leno

Today President Bush asked if his visit to the hurricane zone would count toward the service time he still owes the National Guard.-Jay Leno

A lot of people are now blaming President Bush for not evacuating New Orleans sooner. Hey, we're still trying to get him to evacuate Crawford, Texas. Took him five weeks to get out of there.-Jay Leno

President Bush has sent Vice President Dick Cheney down to New Orleans as part of a massive White House effort called 'operation cover your ass.' ...Cheney spent the day visiting the site of the disaster. FEMA headquarters.-Jay Leno

President Bush toured New Orleans. He saw something that was below sea level: his approval ratings.-Jay Leno

Tomorrow night, in a speech to the nation, the president will do what he does best: Explain what went wrong.-Jay Leno

President Bush spoke tonight to the nation about the problems with the relief effort. And afterwards, Kanye West gave the rebuttal.-Jay Leno

President Bush did something interesting today. After weeks of dodging how poorly the Hurricane Katrina rescue effort went, today he took responsibility for it. It's almost unprecedented for President Bush to admit fault. And he's getting so much praise for doing it, he decided to go for broke and also admitted today that he's not very smart.-Jimmy Kimmel

They say the toxic water and sludge smells so bad in New Orleans that they're thinking of renaming the city Newark.-Jay Leno

Off the coast of North Carolina , Hurricane Ophelia continues to lurk. That is what I was worried about after Katrina, copycat hurricanes. Hopefully Ophelia will peter out and drizzle away. Just to be safe though, the President went on a two-week vacation.-Jimmy Kimmel

And you know, I think Bush is trying a little too hard now to show how much he cares. Have you seen today? Like, he's in New Orleans this morning. He met with Cindy Sheehan in the middle of a flooded street while hugging a black guy.-Jay Leno

President Bush said racism played no part on the slow rescue effort. He's right. That's the one good thing about incompetence -- it's color blind.-Jay Leno

To his credit, President Bush took some of the blame for the slow relief effort of Hurricane Katrina. In fact, he said this is probably why he is not going to run for a third term.-Jay Leno

A lot of celebrities are helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Shaquille O'Neal gave money and donated several pairs of his autographed sneakers. Today, those sneakers are being used as kayaks to rescue people.-Jay Leno

Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier.-Bill Maher

The president said much of the aid is going towards job training. And when they heard that, the people of New Orleans rose as one and said, 'Can we start with you?-Bill Maher

He also called the rebuilding of New Orleans one of the largest reconstruction efforts the world has ever seen, second only to Cher.-Jay Leno

Yesterday, the federal government asked people not to return to the city of New Orleans because it's still not safe. Yeah, then the federal government said the same thing to the people of Detroit, Cleveland and Newark.-Conan O'Brien

Yesterday President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House.-Conan O'Brien

Yesterday the Texas Air National Guard was recalled from Louisiana. President Bush said these brave men and women should be commended for all the work they do. Of course Bush didn’t know firsthand knowledge of what it was the Air National Guard actually does, but he’s heard it was important. -Jay Leno

Well of course the big story — the evacuation from the hurricane, the hiding, the running. But enough about President Bush. -Jay Leno

FEMA

As you know, FEMA stands for 'Fix Everything My Ass.-Jay Leno

I had a really strange thing happen to me last night. About 10:30 I’m sitting around watching TV, my doorbell rings, I open the door, it’s the head guy from FEMA, at my door! I said "What are you doing here?” He said, "I’m here for the earthquake damage you had back in '94'.-Jay Leno

Big announcement today from FEMA. They say they believe a big hurricane has hit New Orleans. They can't confirm it.-Jay Leno

Did you know Michael Brown is a lawyer? He's a lawyer. Leave it to Bush to find the only lawyer in history who's slow getting to a disaster. Usually, they're the first ones there handing out business cards.-Jay Leno

Brown said he was stepping down because he was an ineffective leader who had lost the confidence of the people, to which Bush said, 'That's no reason to quit your job.-Jay Leno

Big news: President Bush announced a plan to put a man on Mars. It's the head of FEMA.-Jay Leno

You know the difference between FEMA and Social Security? You might actually live long enough to get benefits from Social Security.-Jay Leno

Many Americans are calling on President Bush to fire the head of FEMA Michael Brown because of the slow response to the crisis. Unforuantely, due to the red tape, firing Brown will take 6 to 8 months.-Conan O'Brien

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now.-Jon Stewart

Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people.-Jon Stewart

Just a quick observation, when people don't want to play the blame game, they're to blame.-Jon Stewart

Some good news today. The most important evacuation was made today in New Orleans. They got the head of FEMA Mike Brown out of there. -Jay Leno

The Executive Director of FEMA Mike Brown has resigned. I think they knew he was a little slow. They gave him a year and a half to clean out his desk. -Jay Leno

Brown said he was going back to Washington, D.C. to get more hands on disaster experience. In fact, I think he’s running Amtrak for a while. -Jay Leno

On the bright side, this does make Brown the only person in the Bush administration so far to have an exit strategy. -Jay Leno

Michael Brown, the head of FEMA, has been relieved of his command. He has been asked to return to Washington immediately. He is expected to arrive in about a week. He had a good excuse, though. He said he thought freezing in the face of national crisis made him look presidential.-Bill Maher

No word yet on Mr. Brown's future plans, though sources say he does want to spend more time doing nothing for his family.-Jon Stewart

Michael Brown resigned. He said he'd like to spend more time not responding to his family. He resigned and now he plans to be ineffective in the private sector.-David Letterman

According to the Washington Post, 5 out of the top 8 FEMA officials got their jobs with no experience handling disasters, and many got their jobs just cause they worked on the Bush campaign. See this is wrong. If you want people experienced in handling disasters, get people who worked on the Gore campaign.-Jay Leno

President Bush has taken personal responsibility for this failed response of FEMA. He also hinted that he might have had something to do with the war in Iraq too.-Jay Leno

Here’s some good news – it seems that the aftermath of the 1986 Chernobyl disaster in Russia may be less than first feared. This was reported today by FEMA who just got over there to check it out. -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Our old friend Monica Lewinksy is back in the news. She has been accepted to graduate school in London. She says she wants to be a psychologist. Yeah, now she says she wants to blow people's minds.-Bill Maher

Michael Jackson will be getting a complete makeover, and the objective here is to look more macho and less creepy. Another job too big for FEMA. -David Letterman

He wants to look more macho. He’s now lifting weights and wearing shorter wigs. Hey…it worked for Janet Reno! -David Letterman

Martha Stewart is with us tonight and she's going to show us how to dig a tunnel with a melon baller.-David Letterman

Last night at midnight Martha Stewart got to take off her electronic ankle bracelet. She then immediately turned it into a decorative napkin ring. -David Letterman

Inmates at the most secure prison in Vermont have won first prize at the Champlain Valley Fair for their home grown garlic pumpkins and mini roses. You know it is amazing the effect Martha Stewart is having on our penal system.-Jay Leno

"The New York Post” says that Paris Hilton is so famous now, she can’t go out in public anymore. Good!-Jay Leno

Congratulations to supermodel Heidi Klum and her husband Seal – they just had a baby boy. Which I believe would make the child a "baby seal”. -Jay Leno

This just in, Britney Spears had a baby boy just a couple hours ago. She says she can’t wait until the baby lip-syncs its first words. -Jay Leno

Congratulations to Britney Spears. She had a boy. Mother and son are doing fine. The father is still not doing anything.-Jay Leno

Robert Blake says he wants to star in his own reality TV show. In the show, Blake says that he wants to travel around the country and meet ordinary people, and kill them. -Jay Leno

Donald Trump is planning to build a new building in New Jersey. Gee, I wonder what it will be named? -David Letterman

Regis Philbin says his upcoming Christmas album will feature a duet with him and Donald Trump. I guess the idea is you play it when you want your relatives to go home. -Jay Leno

As you may have heard, Anna Nicole Smith is now taking her case to the United States Supreme Court. She’s now claiming that she married Judge William Rehnquist just hours before he passed away. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

That's what they do now, whenever there's trouble they send former Presidents Clinton and Bush. Earlier today, they arrived on the set of 'Joey'. -David Letterman

How many folks have been watching the mini-series on HBO called 'Rome?' Amazingly, exciting episode this week - Rome is burning while Nero refuses to cut his vacation short. And don't miss next week's episode when FEMA shows up a week late at Pompeii.-David Letterman

In New York a man has set the Guinness World Record for being a couch potato. He spent 68 hours and 48 minutes straight watching TV. So nice to see FEMA director Mike Brown landing on his feet.-Jay Leno

One really embarrassing moment from the Emmys when William Shatner had to be evacuated from the buffet. I don't want to say the show was a disaster, but former Presidents Clinton and Bush showed up today.-David Letterman

According to "The New York Post” - Bed, Bath & Beyond may buy Linens & Things. Their goal - to create the gayest store ever. -Jay Leno

For many students across the country, today was the first day of school ...This was a big day for a lot of teachers - some of them haven’t had any sex since June.-Jay Leno

Chicken experts at the University of Georgia, which sounds like a joke itself, have discovered how to transform dark meat into white meat. Well nice to see Michael Jackson’s doctor working again.-Jay Leno

Over the weekend, the city of Los Angeles celebrated its 224th birthday ...that’s pretty amazing. In 224 years, Los Angeles has grown from a sleepy little village with no housing or public transportation to a huge city with no housing or public transportation.-Jay Leno

Are you ready for all the new fall TV shows? All the networks have their new slogans. NBC has "Feel the heat!” ABC has "Get with the program.” CBS…we have "Did you remember to take your pill?” -David Letterman

How shocking is this? At a high school in Canton, Ohio 13% of the female students are pregnant. Here’s the scary part, it’s not even NBA season yet.-Jay Leno

Tonight was the debut of Martha Stewart’s "Apprentice” show. Ironically, it was followed by an episode of "Law & Order”.-Jay Leno

Martha Stewart’s "Apprentice” show premiered last night. I don’t wanna say it didn’t do well but tonight on his "Apprentice” show Trump fired her. -Jay Leno

A man in France has been arrested after it was discovered he had lived with his dead mother for over five years in order to keep getting her pension checks. In a related story Melissa Rivers was arrested for the same thing.-Conan O'Brien

John Hinckley, Jr. the idiot that shot President Reagan, is now trying to get unsupervised visits away from his prison. The prosecutor argued this week against allowing Hinckley unsupervised visits. Because they claim that Hinckley still has delusions about women. He thinks women are making overtures to him when they clearly are not. Right now guys all over America are going, "They can put you in jail for that?”-Jay Leno

The government has introduced a new food pyramid for kids that hopes to teach children to eat right using a spaceship computer game. That’s a good idea. Nothing says "get fit” more than sitting on your ass playing a videogame. -Jay Leno

"Forbes” has come out with its annual list of 400 richest Americans. Or as its also called, the Bush cabinet.-Jay Leno

Sports

Tonight was the start of the NFL season. Before the game they had a concert. Kanye West performed. Before his song he said that, "George Bush doesn’t care about most running backs.” -Jay Leno

For the first time ever last night, Monday Night Football had a double header. They added a second game, the New Orleans Saints game, to help raise money for Hurricane Katrina relief effort. Monday Night Football hasn’t had a double-header since Frank Gifford was doing that flight attendant. -Jay Leno

I bought a big screen TV so I could watch the baseball playoffs at home just like the Dodgers. -Jay Leno