Politics

Egyptian intelligence says that Saddam Hussein may have had a stroke and could even be dead. If this is true, his son would become president of Iraq. His son? What kind of screwed-up system is that? Just because your dad was president, you think you can be, too? Know what Saddam's son is named? George W. Hussein. -Jay Leno

The new "Survivor II" show will soon be airing from Australia. The competitors include an Army intelligence officer and two bartenders. Sounds like Bush's National Security Council. -Jay Leno

George W. Bush is upset at President Clinton for some things he is doing before he leaves the White House. I guess Clinton has rented a bunch of movies from Blockbuster and Bush will get stuck with having to take them back and pay all the late fines.-Jay Leno

Al Gore will not be taking the president job at Harvard University. The sad thing is that he had enough votes but they gave the position to someone else anyway.-Jay Leno

Both houses have confirmed George W. Bush to be the president-elect. The longer this goes on, it looks like he just might win this thing!-David Letterman

Already have the first scandal of the Bush Cabinet. Linda Chavez, the pick to be secretary of labor, had an illegal immigrant from Guatamala doing work in her home. She said that she didn't know the woman was an illegal citizen and that it was OK because she didn't pay her. Sounds more like slavery to me! The good news is that Chavez did find the woman another job. The bad news – it's working for Kathy Lee Gifford!-Jay Leno

Today the big story was Linda Chavez stepping down from her nomination as secretary of labor due to having an illegal Guatemalan immigrant living with her at one time. George W. Bush had no comment on the matter because he didn't want to pronounce the word Guatemala.-Jay Leno

Linda Chavez won't be the secretary of labor now, the reason being that she all of a sudden is bogged down by lots of housework!-David Letterman

Did you see the closing to the show (The Inauguration) last night? The big headliner was Ricky Martin. Is this what the Republicans need right now? Another Latino working for no pay? This just looks bad. Didn't we just go through this? -Jay Leno

The Inauguration is tomorrow. A group of sixth-graders from New York will be there. They were invited because they wrote George W. Bush's speech. -Conan O'Brien

The Washington Post is reporting that new first lady Laura Bush has decided on what she will be wearing at the Inaugural event next week. She's going to be wearing a white dress that says "I'm with stupid."-Conan O'Brien

We'll have a new president this weekend. More and more facts are now coming out on the George W. Bush inauguration ball. Performing that night will be a great country band, Asleep at the Wheel, which I believe will also be the Bush presidential slogan.-Jay Leno

The big party was on Friday night for the inauguration. Bo Derek, Wayne Newton, The Fifth Dimension, they were all there. I felt like I was watching one of those VH1 "Where Are They Now" specials.-Jay Leno

Tomorrow John Ashcroft will be asked about his honorary degree from Bob Jones University. Forget that! How about Bush's degrees from Harvard and Yale? Now, that's one I want answered!-Jay Leno

George W. Bush has established a new dress code for the White House. No blue jeans and no T-shirts. He hates T-shirts, especially the ones that say "I'm with Stupid." -Jay Leno

President Bush is getting bipartisan support – moderate Democrat Senator Zell Miller, he's from Georgia, he's one of the new guys. He's been speaking out for Bush's tax cut. I was just thinking about Bush's allies. He's got the new guy Zell, Strom, Orrin, Colin and Newt. Sounds like the characters from the Hobbit. -Jay Leno

The Clintons

CNN also found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Hillary Clinton was sworn in as senator of New York. Pretty historic. Today she introduced her first bill, a mandatory death penalty to anyone who commits adultery.-Jay Leno

It's now official. Hillary Clinton is now the junior senator from New York; she was sworn in. She used the Clinton family Bible for the swearing in – you know, the one with seven commandments.-David Letterman

Today was a good day for Hillary Clinton. She scraped the Giants bumper sticker off her car. -David Letterman

Hard to believe, but in two weeks Clinton will not be president anymore. He'll just be another chubby middle-aged guy bugging waitresses at Hooters.-Jay Leno

President Clinton now has 10 or so days left in office. He's going to be leaving behind many memories, or – as we call it – evidence!-David Letterman

He (Clinton) has two exciting careers ahead of him, ex-president and, of course, ex-husband! -Jay Leno

According to a new poll six in ten people have a favorable view of President Clinton as he leaves office. A lot better than the view that some people had of him while in the Oval Office.-Jay Leno

Thank God, the whole Clinton sex scandal is over now. That's good. Now Monica can finally take that dress to the dry cleaner's. -Jay Leno

President Clinton and special prosecutor Robert Ray have reached an agreement. Ray won't prosecute Clinton as long as Clinton won't hit on Ray's wife. -Jay Leno

The University of Buffalo says that if couples want to get along better they should get a dog or a cat. Do you think this works? The Clintons have both a dog and cat.-Jay Leno

President Clinton is still referred to as president, even though he is no longer in office. You keep the title for life, you'll always be president. It's kind of like how we refer to him as being married.-Jay Leno

California Energy Crisis

Thanks for coming out tonight! We had a bad hailstorm here in L.A. today. I saw one car run into a powerline due to the storm. Good thing this is California, otherwise there would have been electricity and someone would have gotten hurt! -Jay Leno

We have an energy crisis in California. It just keeps getting worse; at Sea World today the electric eels didn't even work! -Jay Leno

The power shortage is getting worse here in California. The state is now considering getting power from Mexico. That makes sense, most Californians are from Mexico. Everybody do their part – when you cross the border, bring a battery! -Jay Leno

The power shortage is getting bad. It's getting awful. This will give you an idea for how bad it's getting. Today I saw a guy in Beverly Hills open his garage door by hand! -Jay Leno

The Economy

According to this week's issue of Time magazine, in the last six months of the year 2000, more than 36,000 layoffs occurred with Internet companies. The sad part is that most of these people ended up getting jobs at Montgomery Ward's. -Jay Leno

J.C. Penney's is closing 50 stores nationwide. Business has been slow for J.C. Penney's. It has gotten so bad here in L.A. that during the last riot, people were just browsing! -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Michael Jackson is in the news. He says he will be doing two or three songs with his brothers for an upcoming album. Yeah, they're getting back together. Jackson went on to say that he was doing this to show that black people and white people could get along.-Conan O'Brien

Michael Douglas has agreed to pay Catherine Zeta-Jones $5 million if he is ever caught with another woman. But it works both ways, see. Catherine Zeta-Jones must pay Douglas if she is caught with another creepy old guy. It says that right on the lawyer papers.-Conan O'Brien

Sixty-year-old Chuck Norris is calling it quits, leaving the show of "Walker, Texas Ranger." Norris is angry because CBS might change the name of the show to "Texas Ranger With a Walker."-Conan O'Brien

More information is coming out about Madonna's wedding. It seems that one member of her family wasn't invited because he has a drinking problem. Since when has Madonna been afraid of embarrassing the family? Take off your clothes for the whole world, but don't let Uncle Al get drunk at the wedding!-Jay Leno

Sarah Jessica Parker, the star of "Sex in the City," has added a no-nudity clause for her next movie contract. I have a no-nudity clause, too. If there's a movie without nudity, I don't see it. -Jay Leno

Kevin Costner may marry his longtime girlfriend soon. Costner says he will plan the wedding himself. If this happens, it means the wedding will be three hours long and lose six million dollars! -Conan O'Brien

Bush also has a plan to cut cocaine consumption in half by closing one of Robert Downey Jr.'s nostrils.-Jay Leno

The Wall Street Journal has a story that young men in South Korea are dressing up as Bill Gates to be successful. In a related story, sex is at an all-time low there. -Conan O'Brien

The American Music Awards were held yesterday. Britney Spears had eight dress changes during the show and she never once got completely dressed! Faith Hill got the award for tightest jeans. Vanilla Ice was there, too. Did you see him? He showed up in a limo. Well, he was driving it for 'N Sync, but he was there.-Jay Leno

Justin Timberlake says he is thinking about a solo career. This is because his girlfriend Britney Spears won't let him sleep with her, so he's been doing a lot of solo work already.-Conan O'Brien

Jesse Jackson, turns out, has had a child out of wedlock. He spent the whole afternoon trying to find a word that rhymes with "Oh, no!" -Conan O'Brien

They said Jackson was in seclusion today with his spiritual adviser, Frank Gifford. He also spent the entire day trying to find a word that rhymes with condom. -Jay Leno

Puff Daddy is on trial. He has hired Johnny Cochran as his attorney. That only could mean one thing ... he's guilty! -Jay Leno

Willie Nelson has recorded a rap version of "On the Road Again" with some rap artists. The song is a combination of country and rap, which equals crap!-Jay Leno

Science And Technology

Scientists say they'll be able to clone a human being by the year 2003! That's only two years from now. Is this really smart? Have you been to a paint store? We can't even match paint right!-Jay Leno

Scientists now say the first conception using a frozen egg and frozen sperm has happened. The mother then went into labor after her ice broke.-Jay Leno

Here's the amazing story of the week. Doctors in Singapore delivered the first baby using frozen egg and sperm. The mother and baby are doing well, they're just chillin'.-Jay Leno

Scientists have announced this week that they have injected a jellyfish gene into a monkey. Have you seen this? So it is official – scientists have run out of things to do! -Jay Leno

There is a new type of alarm clock on the market. It makes no noise. It uses lights and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of these. It's called a window!-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

The London Examiner has reported that a woman has seen the face of God in a tub of Philadelphia cream cheese. Let me tell you, lady, if you're eating tubs of cream cheese, you'll be seeing God soon enough!-Jay Leno

Hey, for all of you on the East Coast: You think shoveling snow is bad? How about pulling your Christmas tree out to the curb in 85-degree weather!-Jay Leno

A recent survey found that the two most admired men in America are President Clinton and the pope. The pope? President Clinton? One commits sin and the other is about forgiving it. The pope hears this, he'll be thinking, "How do I beat this guy?!" -Jay Leno

A guy has been arrested for making his cat smoke marijuana. The guy will spend a year in jail. Today the cat coughed up a hairball with a street value of eight thousand dollars! -Jay Leno

Over the weekend 100 members of the Polar Bear Club swam in the bitterly cold Atlantic Ocean. Afterwards all the guys became members of the "I Can't Find My Testicles" Club! -Conan O'Brien

Bill Gates and Microsoft are being sued by Microsoft employees. They say the company doesn't have enough minorities. Apparently a minority at Microsoft is anyone with a girlfriend.-Conan O'Brien

A new study says that 75 percent of men say that personality of a woman is more important than looks. It also found that only 50 percent of men could say this with a straight face.-Craig Kilborn

The Fox network will soon have a show premiering called "Temptation Island." Have you heard of this stupid thing? The concept is they take four seriously involved couples and throw them among 26 attractive singles to see if they'll cheat. Sounds more like the Bill Clinton home game. -Jay Leno

It (Temptation Island) did OK in the ratings. It finished behind "The West Wing." "The West Wing" beat out "Temptation Island." Just goes to show you that if you want trashy sex, it's hard to top the Oval Office!-Jay Leno

A man in Utah was arrested for having five wives. Ironically, now he's in prison with five husbands.-Conan O'Brien

Two hundred people became stranded on a ferryboat off the coast of New Jersey. After the rescue, the passangers said it could have been worse -- they could have actually made it to New Jersey!-Conan O'Brien

A new Starbucks went up in my neighborhood. In order to build it, they had to tear down two other Starbucks.-Craig Kilborn

The federal government released a report today on rollover accidents with vehicles. The big SUVs did the worst. Here's the dilemma now when you go to buy a new automobile: Do you want the SUV that could roll over, or do you want a car that the SUV could roll over and crush?-Jay Leno

NASA has to train its astronauts for being in space without home cooking and sex and so on. Know how they train them? They have them get married!-Craig Kilborn

The show "60 Minutes" canceled a segment about the "Vagina Monologues" play because they didn't want to say the word vagina on the air. However, they did do a story on the new movie "Snatch."-Conan O'Brien

Well, happy Martin Luther King Day! Or, as they call it at Bob Jones University, Monday!-Jay Leno

President-elect George W. Bush spoke of all the accomplishments of Martin Luther King today. Then John Ashcroft gave a rebuttal. -Jay Leno

Sad news. Today Ted Mann, founder of Mann's Theaters, one of the biggest, largest chains in the country, died. The services will be Sunday at 12:15, 3:30, 6:20 and at 9:00. -Jay Leno

The big story is the six captured Texas inmates. The big TV networks want interviews with the inmates but can't because they are convicted felons. If that's the case, we'll have to do away with the Super Bowl pre-game show where they interview everybody. -Jay Leno

A couple in Australia has named their children Kitchen, Bedroom and Garage, after the places where they were concieved. My name is Craig "Pool Table" Kilborn and my brother's name is Carl "Exit Ramp" Kilborn! -Craig Kilborn

I got bad news, the murder rate in New York City has gone up. The good news is that some of you won't have to pay for a hotel room! No, really, if you are visiting New York and you happen to kill someone, just be sure to have the body at the curb by Tuesday. You'll be OK. -David Letterman

Sports

How about those fires in San Diego? They're calling it the worst disaster to hit San Diego since the Chargers drafted Ryan Leaf.-Jay Leno

Congratulations to the University of Oklahoma! They played Florida State for the national title. This is tricky for college players. You have to play good enough to win, but not so well so you won't be the No. 1 draft choice and get stuck with the San Diego Chargers. -Jay Leno

Great episode of E.R. last night. If you missed it, what happened was that Doctors removed Shaq's hands from around Kobe's throat! That feud is getting ugly between Kobe and Shaq. They need to be on Oprah, relationship rescue. Phil Jackson acctually had a three hour talk with Kobe. He sat him down and explained to him what an assist is!-Jay Leno

The mayors of each city have a bet over the Super Bowl. If the New York Giants win, the mayor of Baltimore will send New York City a case of crabs. If the Baltimore Ravens win, the mayor of New York City will send Baltimore a hooker with the same thing! -David Letterman

Super Sunday is coming up. We have the Giants from New York playing the Ravens from Baltimore. The game is going to be held in Tampa, Florida. We should have a winner, oh, say about March.-David Letterman

The Super Bowl coin for the toss for the Ravens and Giants is going to be the same coin that was used to decide the presidential election.-David Letterman

Are you ready for the Super Bowl? Today they said it would be broadcast in 25 different languages – that's just in Los Angeles! -Jay Leno

The Super Bowl was yesterday. The Ravens won. You know what they say about the Super Bowl – it ain't over until the kickoff! -Craig Kilborn

Whether you cheered for the Ravens or the Giants, everyone agrees it was a bad day for Kerry Collins yesterday. It just gets worse and worse for him. This morning he went to pass the butter at breakfast – it got intercepted and run back for a touchdown! -David Letterman

The Giants are putting a good spin on this game in Tampa. They are now claiming they won in Palm Beach County! -David Letterman

The ratings for the Super Bowl were the worst in nine years. Hey, what do you expect when only one team shows up? -Jay Leno

I think the Giants screwed up when they decided to have Al Gore deliver the pre-game inspirational speech. -Jay Leno

The Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl. Now each player on the Ravens team will receive $52,000 – or, as they would call it, bail money. -Conan O'Brien

During the Super Bowl police were taping everyone that entered the gates, to look for criminals. They taped the face of every fan, but they didn't find any criminals until they put the cameras on the field.-Conan O'Brien