War On Terror

Today the White House announced they finally came up with a name for the invasion of Iraq. It's going to be called "Operation Forget We Haven�t Caught bin Laden."-Jay Leno

This week the White House lowered their estimate about how much a war with Iraq would cost. They lowered the estimate. That shows you how smart Bush really is. You wait till after Christmas to find the bargains. -Jay Leno

Democrats are arguing that the $60 billion that will be spent on war in Iraq could be better spent here at home. President Bush has agreed and has now announced a plan to bomb Ohio.-Conan O'Brien

As you know, the Bush administration is now trying to get North Korea to get rid of their nuclear weapons. You know what we should do? Get Korea to bomb Iraq. Kill two birds with one stone! -Jay Leno

You've all heard about this North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il. You all recall his father � Mental-Lee Ill. -Jay Leno

We're learning more about this Kim Jong-il � you know his father, "Mental-Lee-il." He drinks the blood of virgins. I tell you, if he doesn't watch his step this is the kind of thing that could get him the reputation of being a nut.-David Letterman

North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-il said today that the U.S. is being deceptive and misleading to the international community. He said this after he found out Joe Millionaire isn't an actual millionaire. He was furious. -Conan O'Brien

North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-il has been called an under-achiever that succeeded his father. Thank God nothing like that could ever happen here!-David Letterman

Let's see what's going on. Here's a tough story. President Bush's approval rating has fallen another 5 percent, just in the last week. Now down to 58 percent. I'm not sure who should be more worried, Bush or Saddam Hussein.-Jay Leno

Over the weekend thousands of college students protested war with Iraq in Washington. Many of the students said they are upset with America's dependence on foreign oil. After the protest they all packed up and left in their parents' two-ton SUVs.-Craig Kilborn

As we prepare for this war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing perfectly clear: This is not about oil. It's about gasoline.-Jay Leno

At a press conference today, Secretary of State Colin Powell said if we fight Iraq, we will not fight alone. He said we will have 100% support of every major oil company.-Jay Leno

Here's a very bizarre story � it seems Saddam Hussein's oldest son, Uday, allegedly tortures athletes for losing games. He makes them crawl over hot freshly poured asphalt. He beats them with sticks and he chokes them. In fact, you know what Uday means in English? Bobby Knight.-Jay Leno

Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said today, we�re going to organize to mobilize. "Organize to mobilize�? Jesse Jackson said, what? -Jay Leno

Colin Powell said we don�t know what toxic chemicals are in Iraq. Heck we don�t know what toxic chemicals are in Whitney Houston.-Jay Leno

Richard Reid, the convicted shoe bomber got life in prison yesterday. In court he spoke out about his beliefs. He made it clear that he is an enemy of America, he is a disciple of Osama bin Laden and he would destroy America at any chance he could get. Or as they call that in the Arab countries � "A moderate�. -Jay Leno

Politics

Earlier this evening President Bush gave his state of delusion address. -Jay Leno

All those standing ovations! Did you believe it?! This is the most excited members of congress have ever been without voting themselves a pay raise. -Jay Leno

If you didn�t see the speech, I think I can sum up the president�s speech tonight: We�ve got to get past Iraq so we can get back to helping rich people.-Jay Leno

President Bush said out country must be able to provide a job to every American who wants one. Especially those Americans who are up for re-election two years from now.-Jay Leno

President Bush also called for "Cutting the supply of illegal drugs� coming into this country. Later Whitney Houston gave the rebuttal.-Jay Leno

Well folks, the ratings are in, it seems a record number of Americans watched the president�s speech the other night. Well sure they watched it, it�s not like they had anything else to do. It�s not like they have jobs to get up early for the next day.-Jay Leno

Did you see the part of the speech when President Bush was talking about Iraq and he said, "It�s about the size of California.� Of course the big difference is in Iraq, they have more people that speak English. -Jay Leno

President Bush proclaimed this Sunday as National Sanctity of Human Life Day. Bush said we have to protect the weak, the imperfect and the unwanted, but first we have to cut taxes for the rich.-Jay Leno

It's 2003 � and Trent Lott is still writing 1948 on his checks.-David Letterman

A lot of people celebrated Martin Luther King Day � including Trent Lott. You know, Trent Lott marched in the '60s. OK, it was with the Klan, but he was marching.-Jay Leno

I was reading and found this fantastic study that says that people who work with dumb people are more likely to have heart attacks. That's true � if you work with stupid people you're more likely to have a heart attack. When I read this, all I could think about was � poor Dick Cheney.-David Letterman

Democrat Senator Joe Lieberman of Connecticut announced that he is running for president. If you're not familiar with Lieberman, he was the guy that played the dad on "Alf." -David Letterman

Have you heard about the scandal with the Joe Lieberman campaign? Apparently, years ago he experimented with charisma.-Craig Kilborn

They keep talking about this, but if he wins Joe Lieberman will not be the first Jewish American to hold the presidency in his hands. That, of course, was Monica Lewinsky.-Jay Leno

New York City will be the host of the 2004 Republican National Convention. We lured the Republicans here the old-fashioned way � with bribe money and hookers.-David Letterman

The Economy

Economists said today that consumer confidence is going down again. You know, consumer confidence has been going down for like three years now. At some point we have to stop calling it "confidence," don't we?-Jay Leno

President Bush's new economic package will bring 2.1 million new jobs. Yeah, they'll all be for Iraqi soldiers.-Craig Kilborn

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan had his house robbed the other day. Afterwards he said, "Whoa, I guess the economy really does suck.�-Jay Leno

According to a new government report the gap between the rich and poor has grown. President Bush said, "See my policies do work.�-Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

Steven Segal is claiming that there is a group of people with a conspiracy to destroy his career. The name of this citizens group � the general public.-Craig Kilborn

Eighties rock star Adam Ant has pleaded guilty to hitting a man during a bar fight. If it is true that he did hit a man, this would be Adam Ant's first hit since 1986.-Conan O'Brien

How many have been watching the bowl games the last couple days? I saw on TV a lot of celebrities were there. I was watching the Rose Bowl � Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt were there. Charles Barkley was at the Sugar Bowl. Diana Ross woke up with her head in the porcelain bowl.-Jay Leno

By now you've heard that Diana Ross has been charged with extreme DUI. Not just DUI, but "extreme DUI" � or, as Whitney Houston calls it � brunch.-David Letterman

Robert Blake said in a deposition from prison last week he spends 24 hours a day in his cell and has no human contact. Hey, you're in prison � be glad you don't have any human contact!-Jay Leno

The other night the Golden Globes were held. Winona Ryder didn't win anything but she did leave with three awards.-Conan O'Brien

Michael Jackson is reportedly furious that NBC's "Dateline" show is going to do an entire show about his nose. All the different noses. They're doing a whole show. A whole hour on his nose! His publicist issued a statement today saying they think it's horrible that NBC is doing this show about Michael Jackson's face. And NBC said, "We're not doing this about his face, we�re only doing it about his nose. His face would be a whole miniseries." -Jay Leno

NBC�s "Dateline� is going to have an upcoming show on Michael Jackson�s face and how it has changed over the last 20 years. Michael is mad about this, just furious, in fact he�s so mad that he had his plastic surgeon put a mad look on his face. -Jay Leno

This Sunday Jennifer Lopez�s latest divorce will be official and that will now clear the way for her to marry Ben Affleck. For those of you that haven�t married J. Lo yet, there�s a waiting list eight months long. -Conan O'Brien

Can you believe the freezing cold? The temperatures been dipping into the teens more than R. Kelly. -Jay Leno

According to police in Florida, OJ Simpson�s daughter Sidney, called 9-1-1 after she got into a huge fight with her dad. Psychologists say it�s not unusual for kids her age to rebel against a parent who killed the other parent. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Yesterday an Old Navy store was destroyed when a car crashed into the front of the store. Everything was destroyed and damages may amount to $8!-Craig Kilborn

A woman that sued Phillip Morris has been awarded $28 billion. The woman says that she is going to use the money to buy 12 packs of cigarettes.-Conan O'Brien

In Paris, France, the city is trying to attract more gay tourists. The first step in the plan is to place two giant boulders at the base of the Eiffel Tower.-Conan O'Brien

Here's the most bizarre story of the day. In Stockholm, Sweden, a human foot was found inside a washing machine at a laundromat. See, women, this is what happens when you let men do the laundry.-Jay Leno

Folks, it's happened again. A Catholic priest � in Las Vegas this time � has pleaded guilty to lewdness with five teenage boys. Here's the scary part � what is considered "lewdness" in Las Vegas? Apparently the priest broke the cardinal rule of "never hit on 17."-Jay Leno

Do you know New Year's Eve is the second-most-popular day for couples to get engaged? The most popular day, of course, is the day the guy finds out she's pregnant.-Jay Leno

Clonaid is that Dutch company that announced they cloned a human being and now they say they've cloned another. Both clones are of Dutch lesbians. You're laughing now -- but you won't be laughing when the world is ruled by Dutch lesbians.-David Letterman

LA � it is now official that LA is the fastest-growing metropolis in the United States. I just want to take the time to say to all the hard-working people that made this possible : "Gracias!" -Craig Kilborn

Here's something interesting � the U.S. Census Bureau has announced that Hispanics have now officially passed African Americans as the largest minority group in the United States. In fact, today Al Sharpton changed his name to Alberto Sanchez. -Jay Leno

The Hispanic population in America has increased by 60 percent and now makes up the nation's largest minority group. The findings came from a report called "How to Explain The Success of J.Lo." -Conan O'Brien

According to a new survey in the L.A. Times, Americans are eating 30% more Mexican food. That�s probably because there are 30% more Mexicans. -Jay Leno

Later this week, for the first time in history, NASA will launch a space shuttle with an Israeli astronaut. Before the launch, the tip of the rocket will be removed by a rabbi. -Conan O'Brien

Here's a creepy story. Doctors in Chile say they have found a 5-year-old boy who's showing all the signs of going through puberty. Here's the creepy part � you know where they found him? On Pete Townshend's computer.-Jay Leno

This is a bizarre story � an Iowa company is now recalling almost 9,000 frying pans because they say they tend to explode when they get hot. That's a pretty serious flaw in a frying pan. "It will work, just don't get it hot!"-Jay Leno

How many of you folks rode the subway here tonight? Well, you know the toll booths in the subway that take the tokens, they are closing all 200 of those. The good news, though, they are converting all the booths into Starbucks.-David Letterman

Sad news, Kmart is closing down 326 stores. I�m going to miss Kmart; I love being able to buy underwear and malt liquor under one roof.-David Letterman

It's a shame (Kmart closing down 326 stores), because if anything at the least Kmart's prices are reasonable. Prices were so good that Winona Ryder paid for the stuff! -David Letterman

Authorities in Las Vegas are now considering a ban on skateboards in Las Vegas. Isn't that amazing? You've got gamblers, you've got hookers, you've got strippers! A skateboard? Come on!-Jay Leno

Some sad news � the man who invented the public opinion poll has died. Apparently he was a good father. His kids gave him a 87% approval rating. -Jay Leno

Over the weekend a computer worm hobbled much of the Internet making it slower and forcing millions of people to have sex with actual people. -Craig Kilborn

An Internet "worm� attacked global Internet service this weekend, affecting billions of computer users. You couldn�t get onto the Internet at all in some places. It was like everybody had AOL. You just couldn�t get on. -Jay Leno

I read today that the companies that make cell phones are now coming out with new cell phones that sound like dogs barking and cats meowing. Has there been a problem in this country with cell phones not being annoying enough now? -Jay Leno

Some sad news � the man who ran 7-11 for 25 years and invented the Slurpee has passed away. He introduced two of 7-11�s most famous slogans � "Oh thank heaven for 7-11� and "Don�t shoot, the money�s in the register!� -Jay Leno

Television

What happened today, the space shuttle Columbia went up today, and in addition to the crew, they had on board ants, spiders and silkworms. Not for any scientific reasons � they�re taping an all-astronaut version of "Fear Factor." -Jay Leno

TV critics are now saying that reality TV has gone too far due to a recent episode of "Fear Factor" where contestants had to eat a horse rectum. The episode upset viewers and also upset the horse.-Conan O'Brien

27 million was the number of viewers that tuned in to Fox�s premiere of the second season of "American Idol�. That is the biggest success for a Fox show ever. It�s also the first successful Fox show that doesn�t have the word "attacks� in the title. -Conan O'Brien

A & E is going to do a documentary called "Hitler�s Secretary�. It�s based on interviews and stories with Hitler�s actually secretary. She says that he wasn�t all that bad but what she hates now is that Simon guy on "American Idol.� -Jay Leno

The Miller Brewing Company is now being criticized for a commercial where two sexy women get in a catfight and rip each other's clothes off. Have you seen this commercial? I guess they wind up in a pit and they're pulling and ripping each other's clothes off and fighting. Miller Brewing said they got hundreds and hundreds of complaints. And not one from a guy.-Jay Leno

Health & Fitness

Eating caviar cures depression. That's if you have a good health plan. If you have an HMO, they give you a day-old Mrs. Paul's fish stick. -Jay Leno

Here's something interesting � according to research, an effective cure for clinical depression is eating caviar. Eating caviar can cure clinical depression. That sounds like the Republican health-care plan, doesn't it? -Jay Leno

Microsoft says they are coming out with a new watch that gives you the weather. This is for people who have enough energy to look at their wrists, but not enough to go out to the window and look.-Jay Leno

McDonald's announced its plans to change its hamburger recipe in the hopes the new taste will help jump-start sales. In fact, the rumor is they plan to make the new burger taste like ground beef.-Jay Leno

McDonald�s also said this week they�re going to pre-cook their burgers to put the "fast� back in fast food. How about putting the "food� back in fast food? -Jay Leno

McDonald's announced today they pulled the plug on a new global digital network that would have linked all their restaurants together by computer. Instead they're going to work on a plan to see if they can keep the food hot.-Jay Leno

McDonald�s is now brining back the McRib sandwich. Why? McRib sandwich was not the original name, but � but it sounded better than McRoadkill.-Jay Leno

For a limited time, Burger King announced today, they're selling their Whopper for 99 cents. Here's the amazing part � the kid working the register is still giving back the wrong change. "You gave me a dollar, right?"-Jay Leno

In the state of Washington a man is swimming the entire the length of the Columbia River to protest water pollution. And in New York City a similar protest about even worse water pollution is going on there. A man is going to attempt to walk the length of the East River.-Jay Leno

Sports

The L.A. Dodgers are for sale for $632 million. Hey, keep in mind that the bats have never been used!-Craig Kilborn

It was a tough game for the Giants yesterday. They are really in trouble now, though � no team has ever lost in the first round of the playoffs and gone on to win the Super Bowl. They are in real trouble now.-David Letterman

The Jets play this weekend! If they win this game, they will go on to the AFC championship game. If they lose � I get beat up by my bookie.-David Letterman

USC has announced that quarterback Carson Palmer�s Heisman Trophy will go on display in the USC Athletic Department. It will remain on display until Palmer commits a double murder.-Jay Leno

There�s some big news from the world of sports. Pete Rose might admit that he bet on baseball. If he admits then he could get into the Hall of Fame. There you go, admit to betting on baseball and go straight to the Hall of Fame � a clear moral tone to send our young people. -David Letterman

The Detroit Lions have fired their Head Coach Marty Morenweg. The Lions said they�d like to see the team go in a different direction, maybe this time towards the end zone. -Jay Leno

The Super Bowl

Well, folks, it's going to be the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Oakland Raiders at the Super Bowl! I guess people went nuts up in Oakland. Raiders fans are like crazy. They set fires. They threw bottles. They broke windows. The same thing happened in Florida. Did you see what happened in Florida? They knocked over "Meals on Wheels" carts. They were stepping on people's white shoes. A lot of folks didn't go to bed until after nine. -Jay Leno

They always say it's going to be a war. But the Super Bowl is like a war with Iraq when you think about it. Big buildup, a lot of tension before the game and then after about four hours, it's over.-Jay Leno

Security precautions are already under way for San Diego's Super Bowl. Police are on the lookout for any unstable individuals in the area. So you know what this means? They could arrest Al Davis.-Jay Leno

Today was media day for the Super Bowl down in San Diego. This marked the first time that many of the players answered questions without their lawyers. -Craig Kilborn

I was reading about Oakland Raiders linebacker Bill Romanowski � he already has four Super Bowl rings? He has four rings. You know what his nickname is? "Jennifer Lopez." -Jay Leno

The Super Bowl is this Sunday! Celine Dion is going to sing "God Bless America� even though she is Canadian before the Super Bowl. True story. Then Dion will bless America by returning to Canada.-Conan O'Brien

Here�s some Super Bowl trivia, this is interesting. Do you know the game is going to be broadcast in 28 different languages? And that�s just so people in L.A. could watch.-Jay Leno

A new survey says that right after the Super Bowl, automobile accidents increase in the city that loses. Unlike the winning city where most of the cars are wrecked by people turning them over during the riot and setting them on fire.-Jay Leno

Did you know on Super Bowl Sunday, Americans eat more food than any other day of the year, except for Thanksgiving. Of course, the only difference is on Thanksgiving, there�s usually a better game on. -Jay Leno

Before we talk about that game, if you saw the news from San Diego yesterday you know the whole city was like a giant party. Everywhere you went in San Diego. It was so big, people sneaking over the border from Mexico that day are being asked to bring chips and salsa with them. -Jay Leno

Do you know this story? Robbins (Oakland Raiders center Barret Robbins) went awol on Friday two days before the game. He went to Tijuana on a drinking binge, had his stomach pumped, missed the Super Bowl. Even worse, after that he even missed the toilet bowl.-Jay Leno

Not a good day for the Raiders. During the game Oakland used the "no huddle offense�. They did that, then they also used the "no rushing offense� the "no passing offense� and of course the famous "no scoring offense.� -Jay Leno