Y2K

I made a lot of money last week. I bought stock in a company that sells portable generators and flashlights to pinheads. -Jay Leno

Apparently there were some Y2K problems in Vegas. One slot machine paid out but then they fixed it. -Jay Leno

Politics

Big news from Russia. President Boris Yeltzin resigns. He says he's sorry, he apologizes and then he resigns. I'm thinking, "Why can't we get a president like that?"-David Letterman

Here's an amazing statistic. During George W. Bush's term as Texas Governor, 113 people have been executed. In fact, it has gotten so busy on Texas' death row that the last meal is a buffet. -Jay Leno

Monica Lewinsky was on Larry King Live. She spent the whole hour on the show. That was 55 minutes more than Clinton ever spent with her. -David Letterman

Monica Lewinsky was on Larry King Live. She said that she is casually dating. By casually dating, she means she's only using 1 knee pad. -Craig Kilborn

Monica Lewinsky said in her interview with Larry King that there will always be a small room in her heart for President Clinton. Clinton said today that there will always be a room for her too. It's that study off the Oval Office, the one with no windows in it. -Jay Leno

Anyone see Monica Lewinsky on Larry King Live? She told Larry that she hates that she lost her privacy. She also told that to Barbara Walters, USA Today, Entertainment Tonight, the AP, Reuters. -David Letterman

When Monica Lewinsky was on Larry King Live, she was asked if the man she is seeing was "the one?" And she said "Close but no cigar." -Craig Kilborn

President Clinton wants 30 million from Congress for contraception and family planning. Sounds to me like someone is getting ready to go dating again.-David Letterman

Hillary Clinton has announced that she opposes same sex marriages. She said that marriages should remain as it always has between a woman, a man and his intern. -Conan O'Brien

The other night, they did a report on the presidential candidates and the first job they ever had. Pretty interesting. George W. Bush was a runner in a law firm. John McCain was a newspaper delivery boy. And if Steve Forbes gets elected, his first job will be president of the United States. -Jay Leno

The Clintons In New York

I am sure by now you know that Bill and Hillary have moved into their home in Chappaqua, New York. Chappaqua is an old Indian word for "place to dump the wife." -Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton has moved into her home in New York. Bill is saying when he leaves the White House, he wants to return to Arkansas and run for the senate. Bill in Arkansas and Hillary in New York. "Gee, I hope this doesn't put a strain on their marriage." -David Letterman

Hillary Clinton is spending her first night in her Upstate New York home tonight. And this has prompted Bill Clinton to ask if he can change his new year resolution. -Conan O'Brien

Hillary was busy all day. She had to unload the boxes, she had to unload the table, she had to unload the chairs. Now all she has to do is unload Bill.-David Letterman

The Clintons spent their first night in their New York home. Clinton says he didn't get a good nights sleep. For one thing, it takes a while to get used to a new couch.-Craig Kilborn

A lot of cynics are saying that the Clintons are using this as an excuse to engage in a trial separation. Do you know what a trial separation is? That's when they are separated but stay married so they don't have to testify against one another at their trials. -Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton wants to be our senator. Life in New York for Hillary Clinton is tough. It's complicated. Everyday she has to memorize the name of the new Jets coach. -David Letterman

President Clinton says that he plans in the next election to vote in New York City. This is nice so that he can vote for his wife. I think the last time he actually voted for a woman she was wearing a wet t-shirt. -David Letterman

Hillary is slipping in the polls. One of the reasons is that she's not connecting with female voters. Hillary said "It's hard to connect with woman when you've called them up at 3 AM and told them to stay the hell away from your husband." -Conan O'Brien

Celebrities

O.J. Simpson says that he met his new girlfriend by sneaking up on her and tickling her while she was getting a massage. Which is really weird, because usually O.J. ends relationships by sneaking up on them. -Conan O'Brien

O.J. Simpson has a new girlfriend. Apparently he's serious. He's already planning his alibi. The relationship, friends say, is still in the early stages. Well, of course, she's still alive. -David Letterman

I've got more news on the breakup of Donald Trump and his now ex-girlfriend. He knew it was time to breakup with her when he realized she wasn't the one he wanted to spend the rest of this month with.-Craig Kilborn

Did you hear that Donald Trump broke up with his supermodel girlfriend? She did something that damaged the relationship forever. She turned 25!-Jay Leno

The British Police Force, known as Scotland Yard has foiled an attempt to kidnap singer Posh Spice. And when Posh returned home safely, music lovers everywhere had the same reaction. Damn you Scotland Yard! -Craig Kilborn

For years and years, people have been guessing who the father of Melissa Etheridge's children were. It's David Crosby. It works out great. She gets the kids and he gets 2 potential liver donors. -David Letterman

I didn't know this but David Crosby has 4 children from a previous blackout.-David Letterman

Michael Jackson wants to have a baby with Elizabeth Taylor. According to Michael's plan, Liz Taylor's daughter would donate her eggs, so that the baby would have some of Elizabeth Taylor's genes. Then Michael would donate his sperm and it would all be fertilized in a lab. And then another woman would carry the child for them. Isn't that so romantic? -Jay Leno

Happy Birthday to the great actor Kevin Costner. Today is his birthday. As you know, his recent films have kind of tanked at the box office. Doesn't matter. His friends threw him a huge birthday bash here in Los Angeles. It only lost $25 million. It was a pretty good party. -Craig Kilborn

Madonna is selling her $6.5 million house because she's afraid of stalkers. Not the only reason. And the house isn't big enough for her boyfriend. The Detroit Pistons. -Craig Kilborn

Sean "Puffy" Combs is in a lot of trouble. If convicted of gun charges, he could get 15 years in prison. He is quoted as saying, "I can't go to prison, my ass will get more attention than Jennifer's." -Conan O'Brien

Popular Culture

Scientists are saying now they are working on an orgasm pill for woman. If woman get this orgasm pill, all they will need is something to kill big bugs in the bathroom and then we are toast! -Jay Leno

Customs officials in Vienna, Austria seized 69 pounds of smoked rat meat in the suitcase belonging to a Nigerian man. Rat meat. Or as we call it, hot dogs.-Jay Leno

In a survey released yesterday, 300 British crime writers picked poison as the best way to get away with murder. It's different in the United States. Most American crime writers say that the best way to get away with murder is to hire Johnny Cochran. -Craig Kilborn

Yesterday the scientist in charge of the missing Mars Polar Lander said at a press conference that he still had not located the lost spacecraft. Then, he promptly left the press conference and spent the rest of the night trying to locate his car in the parking lot. -Conan O'Brien

Researchers in Japan have now taught chimpanzees to count using simple numbers from 1 to 9. Now how does that make California students feel? We're not only behind Japanese students, we're behind Japanese chimps now. -Jay Leno

Yesterday, the 54 year old grandmother who gave birth to triplets, received a lifetime supply of diapers from Pampers. And they even tossed some in for the babies. -Bill Maher

The Ford Motor Company unveiling an electric car with the body made entirely of plastic. I believe they are calling it the "Cher. -Craig Kilborn

In a new study, not a good idea to give a woman with PMS chocolate. But then again, it's not safe to take chocolate away from a woman during PMS. -Jay Leno

The Secret Service has announced for the first time they have to recruit. They are placing help wanted ads if you want to be a member of the secret service. They are losing a lot of agents because the agents realize after a few years they can make a lot more money being a pimp in the private sector. -Bill Maher

The British Royal Family denying rumors that Prince William was covorting with a barmaid as well as wooing pop sensation Britney Spears. There are even some concerns that the young prince has such an active libido, that he may even breed outside the family.-Craig Kilborn

This is not such good news. A new survey says that the gap between the richest Americans and the poorest Americans is wider than ever. They say that we are becoming 2 separate societies. One that watched their bank account grow and grow and grow and another one which watches a lot of wrestling. -Bill Maher

Canada wants to put graphic pictures of diseased lungs on the cigarette packs to deter people from smoking. And they have also asked Monica Lewinsky for a picture of her ass to put on HoHo's. -Bill Maher

The Post Office has announced that they are raising stamps to 34 cents. But that's okay, with the estimated 40 billion in additional revenue, they plan on opening a second window.-Craig Kilborn

Sports

Big news from the world of football. Bill Parcells has resigned as coach of the New York Jets. You have to hand it to Bill Parcells. He took a team that was disorganized, underrated and he yelled at them. -David Letterman

Today former NFL star Jim Brown got sentenced to 6 months in jail for refusing to do community service, because he smashed his wife's car windshield. So let it be a lesson to NFL and former NFL players in Los Angeles. It's okay to murder your wife, but in LA if you touch her car, you are going to prison. -Jay Leno

Thanks to the cold weather because baseball great Darryl Strawberry saved $50. His zipper was frozen shut. -Craig Kilborn