War On Terror

President Bush getting tough. In his speech at the naval academy he said we will not leave Iraq until we have achieved our goal. He calls this plan "leave no oil barrel behind” -Jay Leno

In his 318th speech in Iraq on Sunday, the President said that the terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield. As opposed to us, who view the world as a giant oil field.-Jay Leno

The President of Pakistan has announced that they have killed a top al-Qaeda leader. On the news they said that this leader ranked somewhere between the number three and the number five man. I’m going out on a limb here…wouldn’t that make him the number four guy. -Jay Leno

According to the U.S. Ambassador in Pakistan, Osama bin Laden may not be in control of al Qaeda anymore. I just hope for everybody in al Qaeda the new boss isn’t some kind of American hating nut case. -Jay Leno

Howard Dean said that we can’t win in Iraq. And if anybody knows about not winning… it’s the Democrats.-Jay Leno

"Newsweek” magazine has a cover story about women and terror. They now say that al-Qaeda is now recruiting women to be suicide bombers. It’s so typical, you know when they get to heaven they only get 57 virgins for every 72 virgins that the men get. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Saddam was in court and he said he was not afraid to die. Which is why we found him hiding in a spider hole.-Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein stood up in his trial and shouted 'I am not afraid of execution!' Until his lawyer explained that he wasn't going to get to execute anyone, that it is you who will be executed. Then Saddam said, in Arabic, and this is a rough translation, 'My bad.'-Jon Stewart

In an interview with Brian Williams, President Bush said that he knows a lot of people that are glad that we are in Iraq. When asked who, he said, "The leaders of North Korea and Iran.” -Conan O'Brien

President Bush admitted that much of the intelligence that we went to war on was faulty. Well you can’t blame the president for relying on faulty intelligence. It got him through college. -Jay Leno

This week President Bush admitted the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But knowing what we know now, he says he would still do it again. At least we’re learning from our mistakes.-Jay Leno

Actually, the reaction President Bush got from accepting all the blame leading up to the Iraq war has been so good he’s now thinking of accepting blame for the economy, Hurricane Katrina, and NBC’s fall lineup.-Jay Leno

Iraqi officials have announced that they captured al Zarkawi and then accidentally let him go! They let a crazed killer go. We would never do that in America. Okay other than O.J. and Robert Blake. -Jay Leno

Over the weekend President Bush said that he’s afraid the United States has an image problem in the Middle East. An image problem? New Jersey has an image problem, we have a dilemma. -Jay Leno

Bulgaria has announced they are pulling their troops from Iraq. All two of them! -Jay Leno

Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq, it was yesterday. Cheney was there, and he gave the troops one of his warm holiday sneers. And if you think about it, when you're at war in some far off corner of the world, what better than a visit from a guy who got five draft deferments?-David Letterman

In a speech yesterday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld criticized the media for casting the war in Iraq in a negative light. Yeah, he said they should focus on the light-hearted and fun aspects of the war.-Conan O'Brien

According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, 'What? We had a plan?'-Jay Leno

More Iraqis think things are going well in Iraq than Americans do. I guess they don't get the New York Times over there.-Jay Leno

Iraq Elections

Today they held the elections in Iraq. The results are slowly coming in. The only thing we know for sure at this point is that Al Gore lost again.-Jay Leno

President Bush spoke today about the elections in Iraq...Bush admitted that this week’s elections "won’t be perfect.” Luckily for Bush, they’re not perfect in this country either. That’s how he got elected.-Jay Leno

Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can’t vote again. It’s a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover. -Jay Leno

President Bush said that we may not know the results of the Iraqi election until January. That’s still quicker than Florida.-Jay Leno

Iraqi’s had to choose from 7,655 candidates. Imagine those people in Palm Beach with a ballot with 7,655 candidates. Their heads would explode. How many chads would be hanging there?-Jay Leno

The general election was held today in Iraq. That means we are one step closer to being there another ten years.-David Letterman

The election is very exciting. Mom and I are planning to stay up all night waiting for Fallujah to turn blue.-David Letterman

There’s already been over 1,000 fake ballots. Looks like a Republican victory! -David Letterman

It may take up to two weeks to know who won the election in Iraq. Only thing we know for sure is that the winner will have dark hair and a mustache. -Conan O'Brien

Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq over the weekend. He met with the Iraqi Prime Minister who showed him his purple finger from the election. And then Cheney showed the Iraqi minister his purple finger from bad circulation. -Jay Leno

The Iraqi elections -- oh my god, they're almost over, the polls are probably closing now, come on, Hassan Al-Tikriti bin Yossef! How many people you think wrote in Nader's name, just to goof around?-Jon Stewart

Iraqi officials have imposed a nighttime curfew for the elections and I think that's a great idea, because if there's one thing the insurgents won't monkey with, it's a curfew.-David Letterman

Religion

That is a big controversy this year about calling Christmas trees, holiday trees and trying to take religion out of the holidays. I was watching one of these cable news shows about this and they had on an atheist who said they were against "organized” religion. And while they were talking, they had on the screen the name of the atheist organization. So they were against organized religion but organized atheism is apparently ok. -Jay Leno

Pope Benedict said that Christmas isn't about expensive presents; it's about joy. After the statement, the Pope went back to his gold and marble apartment.-Conan O'Brien

For those of you who aren't Jewish, Hannukah is the celebration of when a tiny amount of oil lasted for eight days. Boy, sound's like a Republican's worst nightmare, doesn't it? A fuel-efficient device that doesn't use a lot of oil?-Jay Leno

Politics

President Bush’s approval rating is continuing to fall. Now at 35%. Give you an idea how unpopular President Bush is these days…you know he wasn’t even invited to the White House Christmas party. -Jay Leno

President Bush’s approval rating at an all time low. Give you an idea how bad it is, if the presidential election were held today UCLA would beat him! -Jay Leno

President Bush's approval ratings on the way up. They've gone up 5 points this week. You know what you call that? A Christmas miracle. He's now up to 42% favorable. President Bush said his goal was to get it up to 49% -- like it was on Election Day. -Jay Leno

In a recent speech former diplomat Joe Wilson, he's the husband of that outed CIA Agent Valerie Plame, he called columnist Bob Novak a "jerk" and an "a-hole". You can see how he became a diplomat. -Jay Leno

Do you know that George Bush and his father have nicknames for each other? Like President Bush calls his dad "forty-one” because he was the forty-first president. His father calls George W. "forty-three” because that’s his approval rating. -Jay Leno

While speaking in North Carolina this week, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn.-Tina Fey

"Time” has named former Presidents Bush and Clinton the partners of the year. These two are now so close they’re thinking about making a cowboy movie.-David Letterman

Dick Cheney has warned members of congress that the Patriot Act is set to expire in just ten days. Not only that, but parts of Dick Cheney are set to expire in ten days. -Conan O'Brien

President Bush came out again today for expanding his guest worker program. That’s the program where immigrants are eligible to take those low paying jobs no one wants. Like Dodgers manager. -Jay Leno

I listened to President Bush’s radio address on Saturday. He said border guards have caught and sent home 4.5 million illegal immigrants. Well, actually it was just the same guy they have caught four and a half million times. He’s very determined. -Jay Leno

According to a new report, not all immigrants from Mexico move here for work. Well duh. If they were looking for American jobs… they would be sneaking into India. -Jay Leno

"Newsweek” magazine is reporting that president bush called in the editor and publisher of the "New York Times” two weeks ago and demanded they stop publishing the article about him illegally eavesdropping and wiretapping people. Here’s my question. How did he know they were going to publish it? -Jay Leno

President Bush is trying to put the best spin he can on this eavesdropping scandal, like he said today: "This proves we have a government that listens to the people. -Jay Leno

A rumor is circulating that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will retire next year. Today, Rumsfeld denied it, saying if you've seen my work in Iraq, you know I don't plan that far ahead.-Conan O'Brien

The White House has publicly denied reports that first daughter Barbara Bush is engaged. They said, if and when she does get engaged they will announce it in the traditional way of leaking it to Time magazine. -Jay Leno

The city of Detroit is in the middle of a recount to determine who won the mayor's race. Surprisingly, both candidates are claiming the other guy won.-Conan O'Brien

The Economy

The price of heating has gone up so much that people are now asking Santa for coal in their stockings.-Jay Leno

Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming.-Jay Leno

The Clintons

Senator Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton.-Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton visited President Bush last week in the White House. She was there measuring the drapes.-Jay Leno

Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it.-Conan O'Brien

The Holiday Season

The holiday season has officially started. Yesterday President Bush lit the National Christmas Tree. The tree has over 25,000 lights. One for every indicted member of the administration. -Jay Leno

Down in Washington they lit Christmas tree. President Bush pulled the switch and the tree lit up. Since that was successful they’re thinking about trying the same thing with Dick Cheney.-David Letterman

The U.S. Postal Service says they expect to handle twenty billion pieces of mail for the holidays. They’ll only deliver about ten billion, but they’ll handle twenty billion.-Jay Leno

An announcement from the post office. Today the post office handled over 500 million pieces of mail. They didn’t deliver them, they just handled them.-David Letterman

The White House announced they sent out 1.4 million Christmas cards this year. When Bill Clinton was president, he sent out twice that number of cards. Of course, that was for Valentine’s Day. -Jay Leno

Remember when you used to tie the tree to the top of your car and drive home? Now our SUV’s are so big, the trees fit inside. The new Cadillac Escalade actually has a Christmas tree holder on the dash. -Jay Leno

Are you all getting your shopping done? I crossed three people off my list today. I didn’t get them anything, I just crossed them off. -Jay Leno

They say the two most popular Christmas gifts out here are cologne and Botox. What are you saying when you give that? You’re wrinkled, and you also smell bad. -Jay Leno

Everyone is in the Christmas spirit in New York. Here’s what I like to do. When it’s cold and the snow is falling, I go home and start a big fire and I get out the Regis Christmas CD – and I toss it into the fire.-David Letterman

I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency.-Jay Leno

Bill Clinton did some caroling this week, he also did some Racheling and Michelling.-David Letterman

The Clintons will be celebrating Christmas up in Chappaqua. Hillary will go down the stairs on Christmas morning and find a surprise under Bill. -David Letterman

Before we get started, to our Christian views I want to say Merry Christmas. To our Jewish viewers, Happy Hanukah. To our African American viewers, Happy Kwanza. To our viewers working at Wal-Mart, Feliz Navidad. -Jay Leno

Some groups are now picketing Wal-Mart because their employees can't say 'Merry Christmas.' It's not store policy or anything, they just don't speak English.-Jay Leno

This year 20 percent of Americans researched their Christmas wish list on the Internet. Which explains why this years number one gift item is a hot Asian teen.-Conan O'Brien

President Bush is being criticized by right wing groups because this Christmas cards to friends this year did not say "Merry Christmas”. Instead they said, "Sorry about the indictment”.-Conan O'Brien

It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary. -David Letterman

Celebrities

Happy birthday to Woody Allen. Seventy years old today. He’s at the age now where he can start dating his granddaughter.-Jay Leno

Congratulations to Elton John. He is marrying he’s marrying his longtime male companion David Furnish. Maybe this will finally put a stop to those straight rumors.-Jay Leno

Today was hump day. Or as they call it in England, Elton John’s wedding day.-Jay Leno

Congratulations to Elton John. He tied the knot today. And after he was done he untied him.-Jay Leno

More problems for Michael. It now seems that his ex-wife Debbie Rowe is now saying Michael is not the biological father of her children. Debbie Rowe is speaking out against Michael. Know what that means. Apparently the check bounced.-Jay Leno

Britney Spears made a donation to a homeless shelter today – she dropped off Kevin Federline.-Jay Leno

Tyra Banks, she is celebrating a birthday. She is 32 years old…which is 118 in super model years. -Jay Leno

Bob Dylan announced he will have a weekly music show on XM Satellite Radio starting next March. It will be an hour show followed by another hour show that translates what Bob Dylan said in the first hour.-Jay Leno

The Energy Department's Argon National Lab has determined that Beethoven died from lead poisoning. Now when did he die, 1827? And you thought you had to wait a long time for your lab results. Apparently, Beethoven was one of the first members of an HMO plan.-Jay Leno

Law And Order

In Texas, President Bush has been called for jury duty. He says he is going to serve. We want him to get out of Iraq. He can’t even get out of jury duty.-Jay Leno

This past weekend the United States held it’s 1000th execution. The USC-UCLA football game. -Jay Leno

A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp. -Stephen Colbert

A congressional press secretary by the name of Thomas Springer was arrested for bank robbery. Guy's a congressional press secretary, police said he robbed at least 7 banks. Said he fell in with the wrong crowd. Yeah, Congress.-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Officials in the United Arab Emirates broke up a mass gay wedding in Dubai, arrested two dozen gay men and are now telling them they may punish them by injecting them with male hormones. Maybe I’m wrong, isn’t that what they were going to do on the honeymoon? -Jay Leno

A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual store. Well of course! There no naked women at the stores. -Jay Leno

NBC announced today that some of its shows will be available on iTunes for a $1.99. That’s right if you sit through the show you will be paid $1.99. -Conan O'Brien

"King Kong” opens tonight. As a result the terror alert has been raised to banana.-David Letterman

This "King Kong” craze is big. He’s so popular that next he may run for Governor of California. -David Letterman

This "King Kong” movie is huge. New York City doesn’t care about giant monkeys though. We got rats bigger than that! -David Letterman

NBC showing a new game show called "Deal or No Deal”. Have you seen this thing? It’s pretty good. I was watching last night and I see all these suitcases filled with cash and I just thought it was a dateline special on Tom Delay. -Jay Leno

Recently, the highest court in South Africa handed down a decision ordering the country s parliament to extend marriage rights to all gay couples. So just to reiterate, American is now less progressive than South Africa.-Jon Stewart

A lot of Bush supporters are very upset about the TV show the 'West Wing.' They say there are too many Democrats on the 'West Wing.' That'll even out when 'Prison Break' comes back, there'll be a lot more Republicans then.-Jay Leno

Several right-wing groups say they might boycott the Ford Motor Company because they continue to advertise in gay magazines. In a related story, most Americans plan to boycott Ford because they make Fords. -Conan O'Brien

New York City Transit Strike

New York City is under a transit strike for the first time in 25 years. People aren’t allowed to travel by car in the city unless there’s four people to a car. New Yorkers have become so desperate they’re actually talking to their neighbors. -Conan O'Brien

New York City is in the middle of a transit strike. The bad news is that FEMA is on the way. -David Letterman

I’m joking about it but the traffic now is horrible in the city. The city is now like Dick Cheney, every major artery in is blocked. -David Letterman

New York City cab drivers are so busy there is an unconfirmed report that one cab driver actually took a tourist from the airport directly to where they wanted to go. -Jay Leno

But you have to admire the spirit of New Yorkers. Since the subways have shut down people are now urinating in elevators and stairwells. -Jay Leno

Mayor Bloomberg estimates that over $7 million was lost during the transit strike. But the Mayor made up for it when he found $7 million in a pair of old pants he put on.-Conan O'Brien

Sports

Police in Tampa, Florida announced that someone brought a 40-foot motor home to last Sunday’s Buccaneers football game, and inside people were smoking marijuana, drinking and six strippers were giving lap dances. At first they thought it was the Minnesota Vikings team bus -Jay Leno

USC beat UCLA 66 to 19. I haven’t seen anything that lopsided since the last time I turned on Fox News. -Jay Leno

The Seattle Seahawks beat the Philadelphia Eagles 42-0. I thought torture had been outlawed. Even UCLA said, "You guys suck!” -Jay Leno

"ESPN” magazine reports that an Australian man has set a world record by throwing 446 punches in a minute. It breaks the old record set by Ike Turner on his honeymoon.-Jay Leno

USC Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush announced he is available for the NFL draft. Actually, this also marks the first time in history the words 'Bush' and 'available for the draft' have ever appeared together in the same sentence.-Jay Leno

It's predicted that USC running back Reggie Bush will be the overwhelming vote-getter for the Heisman Trophy award. That's tomorrow, isn't it? It's also the first time the words 'Bush' and 'overwhelming vote-getter' appeared in the same sentence. -Jay Leno