War On Terror

Three missiles were fired on one of our ships in the Gulf of Aqaba in Jordan, and the administration is scrambling to determine exactly who these attackers were, and which country that had nothing to do with it we can invade.-Bill Maher

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden. -Jon Stewart

President Bush said he wants Iraqis to compromise with each other, the warring parties, on their constitution. He said, look how easy it is, look how many times I've compromised our constitution.-Bill Maher

Saddam Hussein is about to go to trial. We can’t figure out what to do with him. The U.S. doesn’t know if we should put him in prison or just put him back in charge of the place. -David Letterman

A new report says that al-Qaeda is sneaking into the country disguised as fishermen. I think it’s true too – today my cab driver had lures on his turban.-David Letterman

Terrorists are sneaking disguised as fishermen. You know what this means? Airport security will now have you place your worms on a tray. -David Letterman

Israeli pullout from Gaza

It's very sad. They tried everything to get these people to leave. They tried water cannons. They tried special forces. They tried wire cutters, and finally, as a last resort, they had a black family move in next door, and they just got right out of there.-Bill Maher

Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn’t want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It’s the same way that Republicans feel about the White House.-Jay Leno

Religion

The pope is in his native Germany. He's actually promoting his new movie, the 80-year-old virgin.-Bill Maher

He spoke at a synagogue in Berlin that was destroyed by the Nazis and apologized for the destruction. Then he politely wondered if, by any chance, during the rebuilding, anyone had found his wallet.-Bill Maher

Pat Robertson, in case you don't know, is a televangelist. He's one of the big ones and also one of the dumbest ones. He's getting a lot of heat today after suggesting on his show yesterday that we go ahead and assassinate the president of Venezuela. Well, that is what Jesus would do.-Jimmy Kimmel

Needless to say, the Venezuelan government is not amused. I guess they don't realize the only people watching the '700 Club' are 7 100-year-olds.-Jimmy Kimmel

Politics

President Bush is about to start his annual month long vacation at his ranch in Texas. He goes there to unwind. I’m thinking, does this guy ever wind? -David Letterman

President Bush is about to go on his three week vacation. They call this a working vacation. President Bush will be kicking back. I’m thinking – does this guy every kick forward? -David Letterman

President Bush talked tough today; he said he’s not backing out, he’s staying the course for as long as it take. He’s in it for the long haul. Not Iraq - his 5-week vacation. -Jay Leno

President Bush is on his vacation Crawford, Texas. He says he’ll leave only when Crawford is capable of self rule. -David Letterman

Democrats have been complaining that President Bush has spent more than 21% of his time in office out of the White House. That’s nothing. Since Bush has been president, the Democrats have been out of the White House 100% of the time. -Jay Leno

Today after President Bush signed the new transportation bill he said that it's not enough to just pass the law - he said now "people have to show up to do the work." Then he went back to his five-week vacation. -Jay Leno

President Bush now on the second week of his five-week vacation at his ranch down there in Crawford, Texas. He’s taking a lot of criticism for this vacation. His aides point out he will have his lap-top with him, so he’s still be able to play solitaire and minesweeper. -Jay Leno

As you know, President Bush is taking 5 weeks off. It’s like he’s still in the National Guard. -Jay Leno

So congress is on recess. Bush is out of town. There's nobody left in Washington? In fact, it's so lonely now in D.C., the NRA and the oil lobby were just handing money to each other. -Jay Leno

Over the weekend President Bush had his physical. They say he might be the most fit president in history. Which is good – if something were to happen to Cheney he could just jump right in and take over. -David Letterman

Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical. The good news – he is in amazing shape. They said his heartbeat at rest is down from 52 beats a minute to 47 beats per minute. Which is pretty impressive when you realize Dick Cheney doesn’t even have a heartbeat at all. -Jay Leno

Although doctors did caution President Bush about his posture. They noticed when he starts he tends to lean way to the right. -Jay Leno

According to President Bush’s most recent physical, he’s the most fit president in history. He’s in the 99 percentile for men 55 to 59 years old. And Dick Cheney is in the 1 percentile. So together they’re 100%. You can’t do better than that!-Jay Leno

According to President Bush’s most recent health results, he’s the most fit president in history. He’s in the 99 percentile for men 55 to 59 years old. Bush said he could make it into the 100% league if his damn job didn’t take up most of his morning. -Jay Leno

Doctors said that President Bush's only bad habit is he smokes an occasional cigar. Bush says he smokes cigars to help him think. So lucky he’s not smoking that often.-Jay Leno

This week President Bush signed a free trade pact with Central America. I don’t think Bush really understands a lot of these things. Like today he said he owes a lot to Central America because those red states won him the election. -Jay Leno

Al Gore

Al Gore’s new network will be like the internet on a television screen; you’ll see onscreen menus, internet slang terms, and a ‘progress bar’ that shows the length of each segment. Also, to make it just like the Internet, every day at 9 A.M. it will crash. And you’ll have to call someone in India to reset it again.-Jay Leno

The Clintons

Over the weekend, President Clinton was CNN talking about fighting obesity. Clinton says he fights obesity until she finally gives in and says "yes”. -Jay Leno

While President Bush is out of town, Hillary Clinton stopped at the White House on Friday for an important meeting…with her decorator. -Jay Leno

We want to wish President Clinton happy birthday. He is 59 years old. Hillary gave him a surprise birthday party. Well, actually, Bill was having a party, then Hillary walked in and said, "Surprise!”.-Jay Leno

Clinton’s at that awkward age. Too young to retire, too old to remember he’s married.-Jay Leno

The Economy

President Bush signed an energy bill in New Mexico this week. He had a clear message for all Americans. He said the economy is moving...it’s moving to China, Korea, Taiwan… but it’s moving. It’s on the go. -Jay Leno

Well President Bush signed a big $286 billion highway bill yesterday. The sad part, $285 billion of it is for gas money.-Jay Leno

Another record was set this week – in fact, crude oil is so expensive now, a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken costs more than $300.-Jay Leno

I went to fill up this morning and there was a sign on the pump, "We take Visa, Master Card, American Express”. So they took my Visa, Mastercard and my American Express! -Jay Leno

Today Exxon announced they’re not going to lower the price of gas but to lessen the pain, they are now going to put some Vaseline on the nozzles. -Jay Leno

Extreme Weather

Hurricane Katrina looked like it was bad in Florida the other day. Law enforcement officials went around telling people to stay in their homes, and black people thought it was election day.-Bill Maher

Celebrities

Donald Trump told congress that he could renovate the U.N. cheaper and quicker than the current bids they have. Of course they’d have to change the name. -Jay Leno

According to the British papers, Jude Law is now seeing a therapist to deal with his breakup from Sienna Miller. He’s also seeing a model, two lap dancers, a school teacher and a hooters waitress.-Jay Leno

Rosie O’Donnell has announced that she will join the cast of "Fiddler on the Roof”. I just hope she doesn’t play the fiddler on the roof. Oh no, the fiddler is in the basement!-Jay Leno

A scary moment for Marie Osmond, everyone is okay after a fire broke out at her home in Orrin, Utah. Luckily all 5500 Osmonds were evacuated safely.-Jay Leno

Have you heard this? Two of the Michael Jackson jurors now believe he’s guilty. Gee…if only they could have done something about it.-David Letterman

Two jurors in the Michael Jackson case now say they’ve changed their minds; they now say Michael is guilty. I believe the legal term for this is "book deal”.-Jay Leno

Michael Jackson is in Bahrain with his 20 year old protégé. Actually his protégé is two ten year olds.-Conan O'Brien

Here’s my favorite story - two of the Michael Jackson jurors were on MSNBC tonight to say they regretted acquitting Michael and they know think he’s really guilty. It’s kind of sad, in California; it’s always the jury who’s the last to know. -Jay Leno

Jose Canseco is now selling his World Series ring on his website for $40,000. He didn’t want to sell it, but since he’s off steroids, he can only wear it as a bracelet now.-Jay Leno

There was a rumor that Lisa Marie Presley has sold Graceland. Luckily it turned out not to be true. I’m glad she didn’t sell it. I was so afraid the new buyers would turn it into some kind of gaudy, tacky tourist attraction. -Jay Leno

The Rolling Stones are in the news. Apparently they have come out with anti-Bush song. A song blasting President Bush. Not over the war in Iraq - over social security. The stones are mad! -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them, HMOs.-Bill Maher

"The Dukes of Hazard” movie opened in theaters today. I was going to go see it, but then I realized, "Oh, I have a brain.” -Jay Leno

"The Dukes of Hazard” was #1 at the box office over the weekend, taking in $30-million dollars. I thought the book was so much better. -Jay Leno

"The Dukes of Hazard” was number one movie. Taking in over $30 million….or, as Willie Nelson calls that….back taxes!-Jay Leno

Despite bad weather and delays, NASA was able to get the space shuttle Discovery to the ground safely. They had to reroute the landing due to bad weather. Even though the landing was safe, no surprisingly the crew luggage was sent to Atlanta. -Conan O'Brien

The big story here locally is that the space shuttle discovery left California today. It’s been here since it landed a week ago. They say it will cost one million dollars to transport the shuttle back to Florida. A million dollars! So, apparently they are driving it back! -Jay Leno

Here’s a great story – all seven crewmen are doing fine after being rescued from that Russian mini-sub that was trapped under water. The mini-sub is about 44 feet long and more than 18 feet high. Or as we call it in this country - a SUV. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride had to cut the lawn of a city building as part of her community service. However, she was using a riding mower and was in Arizona by the evening.-Conan O'Brien

"The New York Post” says that Jennifer Wilbanks, "the runaway bride” will be getting married tomorrow. Although she hasn’t told her husband where she will be honeymooning.-Jay Leno

According to "The New York Post”, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks was supposed to get married today, it never happened. Ironically she showed up at the church and everybody else left town.-Jay Leno

Today is the 24th anniversary of the IBM personal computer. Experts say it revolutionized work and made people more productive at the office. Except for the six hours a day they’re emailing friends looking at porn and playing solitaire.-Jay Leno

Police in New Castle, Pennsylvania have arrested a woman for prostitution after she charged two elderly men, one 71 years old, and the other one 84, money to have sex with her. Why is it every time Mick Jagger and Keith Richards go on the road they get in trouble?-Jay Leno

California education officials said today that the state of California needs 52,000 more teachers. They say we are facing a huge teacher shortage. In fact, by the year 2007, they said many students will be forced to have sex with each other. -Jay Leno

Russia announced that due to a lack of animal feed they’re feeding their cows confiscated marijuana. They have over 20 tons of it and they are feeding it to the cows. Do you think that’s a good idea? Giving their cows marijuana. It’s only been a week and already some cows have moved up to crack. In fact, three of them knocked off a seven eleven in Leningrad.-Jay Leno

Have you picked up a copy of the new Harry Potter book? It’s a big success. In this one Harry is now 17. It’s full of adventure and he finds his wand.-David Letterman

The new book is big though. You can actually use it to stand on to find a better book.-David Letterman

"Willy Wonka” is now out. It’s about a creepy guy that wears makeup and entices kids with candy. There is a happy ending though – he’s acquitted. -David Letterman

A pair of ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in "Wizard of Oz” have been stolen. The culprit is considered armed and fabulous.-David Letterman

Sports

Lance Armstrong is going to come down to the ranch -- the controversial Lance Armstrong -- and Bush is thrilled about this. He's like a kid. He said how many times do you get a chance to go biking with someone who's been on the moon?-Bill Maher

Lance Armstrong says after winning his seventh Tour de France, he just wants to lay around now and drink beer. So he’s taking up professional bowling? -Jay Leno

Did you all see the guy at Yankee Stadium that jumped from the upper deck into the net that catches the foul balls? He jumped like 50 feet. How can anyone get that drunk off $8 beers!-David Letterman

Did you see this crazy guy who jumped from his seat in the upper deck at Yankee Stadium into a net. Luckily he landed in a net. Turns out it’s the same net that the Yankees use during the off season to catch pitchers off of Cuba. -Jay Leno

Yesterday the Kansas City Royals lost their 13th game in a row. Thirteen in a row. So apparently, President Bush isn’t the only one taking the entire month of August off. -Jay Leno

The Little League Baseball World Series began today in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. The first team eliminated…the Kansas City Royals. -Jay Leno

They have lost eighteen games in a row. They are closing in on the all time record of 21…eighteen games they have lost. Kansas City has the only stadium where the good seats are the ones where you don’t face the field. -Jay Leno

Congratulations to the Hawaiian Little League Team on winning the Little League World Series. They won a thriller yesterday over the Kansas City Royals. -David Letterman

Rafael Palmeiro

President Bush believes Rafael Palmeiro. He said he considers Palmeiro a friend and tests or no tests, he believes him. Maybe Rafael Palmeiro is the one who told him there were weapons of mass destruction.-Jimmy Kimmel

As you know by now, Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for violating baseball’s steroid policy. At the congressional hearings, Rafael Palmeiro categorically denied ever using steroids. Kind of makes you miss the straight forward honesty of Pete Rose doesn’t it?-Jay Leno

You know what’s great? Little more than an hour after the Rafael Palmeiro suspension, President Bush defended him. How does that make Karl Rove feel? It took President Bush a month to say anything about him. -Jay Leno

Baltimore Orioles first basemen Rafael Palmeiro has been suspended for 10 games by Major League Baseball after testing positive for steroids. He’s also a spokesperson for Viagra. So he’s on steroids and Viagra. You know what that means? He doesn’t need a bat anymore. -Jay Leno

President Bush says he believes Rafael Palmeiro when he says he didn't take steroids even though he tested positive for them. You know that whole weapons of mass destruction thing beginning to make more sense now.-Jay Leno

It’s reported that Jose Canseco says he used to inject steroids in Rafael Palmeiro’s buttocks. Is this a good idea - pulling down the pants of a guy on Viagra? -Jay Leno

You know Rafael Palmeiro was suspended for steroid use. To give you an idea how strong the steroids he used were, he’s sitting out ten games, still got three home runs last night. -Jay Leno

Rafael Palmeiro says that he wants to tell his side of the steroid story. He wants to get the story off his chest and the needle out of his ass.-Conan O'Brien