War On Terror
The U.S. has stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We spent two years looking and the closest we got was two pounds of rancid mutton.-David Letterman
It’s now official. We’ve stopped the search for weapons of mass destruction. Well, thank God we stopped that search before we did something crazy! What a mess that would have been had we actually gone in there.-Jay Leno
After nearly two years, the White House announced the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is over. Of course it won’t really be over till the French say, "OK, we’re ready to go in." Then you know for sure. -Jay Leno
President Bush said today that Saddam Hussein never had weapons of mass destruction. But he did go on to say that there’s strong evidence that he had an illegal nanny. -Jay Leno
President Bush has announced that there were no weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. It’s just been a bad period of time for President Bush. This month no weapons of mass destruction and last month no Santa Claus.-Craig Ferguson
In an interview in USA Today, President Bush said he’s not going to spend more money on "programs that aren’t working." So I guess the war in Iraq is over. That’s great news. How 'bout that?-Jay Leno
President Bush also told a reporter that he saw his re-election by the American people as their approval to continue the war in Iraq. You know, kind of the same way Bill Clinton felt his re-election meant to the American people they wanted him to keep cheating on Hillary.-Jay Leno
Today at her confirmation hearing for secretary of state, Condoleezza Rice said that it's time for the United States to start using more diplomacy. Oh man, we must be running really low on ammunition. -Jay Leno
An article in The New Yorker magazine says that the next place the Bush administration is planning to attack is Iran. Boy, that seems like a mistake, doesn't it? Shouldn’t we go after the Neverland Ranch first? Free those people? -Jay Leno
Did you hear about this? The U.S. is sending a top secret reconnaissance team into Iran. How secret can it be if a dumb ass like me knows about it?-David Letterman
CNN is reporting that a longtime friend of President Bush says that Bush is telling everyone, in the next four years he intends to be "really aggressive." "Really aggressive"? In the past four years we launched, what, two wars? What's "really aggressive" going to look like? What, are we gonna bomb Canada now? How much more aggressive can we get? -Jay Leno
President Bush says he wants another $80 billion in military funding. So when he says Iraq isn’t free yet, boy, he’s not kidding. -Jay Leno
Have you heard about this? According to a new book, prisoners at Guantanomo Bay were questioned by female intelligence agents in thongs. Here’s my question: Where the hell are those pictures? How come we never got to see these? I’m sick of looking at the guys in the pyramid. -Jay Leno
According to a new book, female officers at Guantanamo Bay would sometimes wear thongs when they interrogated Iraqi prisoners, in order to make them uncomfortable. They would put on a thong. Is that the best way to get at the truth? Wouldn’t that backfire? Usually when a guy sees a girl in a thong, he starts lying: "I’m not married. My wife died."-Jay Leno
The latest reports say that President Bush is going to double the reward for capturing Osama Bin Laden from $25 million to $50 million dollars. $50 million, which sounds like a lot until you think the Mets spent $119 million to get Carlos Beltran.-Jay Leno
In Washington President Bush has asked Congress for another $80 billion to fight the war in Iraq. Wouldn't it be cheaper to just buy Iraq?-Craig Ferguson
There is a rumor that al Qaeda is going bankrupt. And I think it might be true because last week Martha Stewart dumped all her al Qaeda stock.-David Letterman
News from Washington -- Condoleezza Rice... says there are no plans to invade North Korea, which can only mean one thing -- they don't have any oil.-Craig Ferguson
Talk show host Jerry Springer called the war in Iraq immoral. Springer made the remarks while breaking up a fight between a hooker and a deadbeat dad.-Conan O'Brien
Iraq Election
Today President Bush admitted that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be difficult for the people to vote ... the east, the west, the north and the south.-Jay Leno
However, President Bush said, and this is an actual quote, "The election will still go ahead as scheduled because it doesn't matter if nobody votes, the important thing is to say you've held an election." Worked in Florida! -Jay Leno
Election Day in Iraq is less than two weeks away, and as preparation, we are completely sealing the Iraq borders. How can we seal the Iraq borders? We can’t even seal the California border. -Jay Leno
Yesterday was election day in Iraq, and out of force of habit, John Kerry gave a concession speech.-Jay Leno
In some places 90 percent of the population voted and they say it will take about ten days to finalize results. That’s pretty good when you consider that’s twice as fast as they do it in Florida.-Jay Leno
Condoleezza Rice urged people to go to the voting booths in Iraq. Especially Barbara Boxer, she really wanted her to go.-Jay Leno
The Iraqi elections were a success: Today Vice President Dick Cheney said, "We’re so close to that oil, I can taste it!"-Jay Leno
Voters in Iraq are now expected to return to the polls for another round of voting later this year. They return in about six months. So you know what that means: Same Shiite, different day. -Jay Leno
Just five more days until the Iraq elections. I’m going out on a limb and saying the winner will be a man named Muhammad something. -Jay Leno
There’s some reports that Iraqis are worried about their upcoming election turning into a civil war. Hey, wouldn’t a civil war be an improvement over what’s going on now?! -Craig Ferguson
Well, of course the big story is Iraqis are voting worldwide absentee ballot in this Sunday’s election. They’re voting here in the United States, they’re voting in France, they’re voting in Australia. The only place they’re not voting – Iraq.-Jay Leno
Sunday is the big election in Iraq. Boy, we invade a country, overthrow a dictator, and boom, we have an election. Well, OK, maybe it's more like "Boom... boom-boom... boom... boom-boom-boom."-Jay Leno
Some Iraqi politicians are telling voters if they don't vote for them, they'll go to hell. Boy, imagine trying to use your religion to get votes. Thank God politicians in this country don't try that type of thing, huh? -Jay Leno
Politics
Tomorrow President Bush’s Christmas vacation ends... and his winter vacation begins.-David Letterman
Fidel Castro has announced an oil site with up to 100 million barrels of oil in it was found off the coast of Cuba. The only problem is if Cuba buys a 100 million barrels, the entire population will float to Miami on them. -Jay Leno
A prominent Republican, Christie Todd Whitman, who resigned from President Bush's cabinet, has written a new book criticizing the right-wing's control of the Republican Party. It's called "It's My Party Too: the Battle for the Heart of the G.O.P." See that's what I don't get, a battle for the "heart" of the Republican Party? Isn’t that like fighting for the brain of the Democratic Party, isn’t it?-Jay Leno
Congress returned to session yesterday after about a month off. Did you notice anything different when they were gone? That’s when you know you know you have a government job. Can you think of any other job, where you leave for a month and no one even notices you weren’t there?-Jay Leno
Congress has reelected Dennis Hastert Speaker of the House. He’s right after the vice president in line for the presidency which means he is only a heartbeat away from a guy who barely has a heartbeat. -Jay Leno
Ted Kennedy said today the Democratic Party is still the majority party. So you know what that means: Ted’s been drinking again. -Jay Leno
Scary moment for Senator Hillary Clinton. At an appearance in Buffalo, New York, she wasn’t feeling well and she fainted. Thank God Bill was there. He immediately started giving mouth to mouth... on another woman. -Jay Leno
They checked Hillary’s temperature – it was up to 34 degrees. -Jay Leno
President Bush is overseas meeting with the Pope. You saw them sitting there together on TV. He looked old, he looked confused, like he didn’t know where he was... and then the Pope told him to relax.-David Letterman
A Tennessee senator named John Ford, a Democrat, surprisingly, is in court for child support and he revealed he lives with his divorced wife and their three kids three days a week, he lives with his girlfriend and their two kids the other four days, he’s being sued by another girlfriend for child support and his ex-wife is pregnant by him again. But the good news – today he was given the Jerry Springer Lifetime Achievement Award. -Jay Leno
Today in the Senate, the vote to confirm Condoleezza Rice as the next secretary of state was 85-13 in favor. 85-13. Excuse me. I’m sorry, Kevin. That’s what the score of the Super Bowl is going to be. -Jay Leno
Congratulations by the way to Condoleezza Rice who today was confirmed today as secretary of state. Which makes Rice the most powerful black women in the country, besides Oprah that is.-Craig Ferguson
So everything is being done to assure a smooth passage. I'm starting to worry about President Bush again, when he was told that Condoleezza Rice had been confirmed today he said 'I didn't even know she was Catholic.'-Craig Ferguson
Condoleezza Rice was confirmed by a vote of 85, 13, despite a contentious but futile protest vote by democrats. By the way, for a fun second term drinking game, chug a beer every time you hear the phrase 'contentious but futile protest vote by democrats.' By the time Jeb Bush is elected, you'll be so wasted you won't even notice the war in Syria.-Jon Stewart
Happy Birthday to Vice President Dick Cheney who turns 64 this Sunday. Isn't that lovely. He plans to spend the day with his loved ones, Shell and Exxon.-Craig Ferguson
President Bush's daughter Jenna has a new boyfriend and everybody in Washington is asking who's the lucky designated driver?-Craig Ferguson
Attorney General John Ashcroft bid farewell to the Justice Department with a goodbye address. The voluntary resignation came as a bit of a disappointment to the attorney general, who had hoped to be raptured out of office.-Jon Stewart
Attorney General John Ashcroft said his farewell to Washington. He said now that he retired he is going to do some of the things he never got a chance to do, like read the Constitution. -Jay Leno
President Bush was shocked to hear Yushenko won Ukraine's run-off election. He said, 'I didn't even know Weird Al was running.-Jay Leno
You may recall immediately after news of the tsunami broke the Bush administration pledged aid to the region in the amount of 15 million dollars. A bold statement to the world that America is willing to spend about as much on the victims of the greatest natural tragedy in recent history as it was willing to spend on the first week of 'Spanglish.'-Jon Stewart
Some exciting news coming out of Washington. The new cabinet there has exciting new ideas. They have found a way to eliminate Social Security crisis and the war in Iraq -- draft the elderly. There you are.-Craig Ferguson
There was an animal rights group who asked former President Jimmy Carter to stop fishing. How about that? They told him to stop fishing. This makes him the first president to be told to put his rod away since, well...-David Letterman
So the president doesn't read the papers. The only real information he gets he gets from his loyal aides and even when he goes to a town hall meeting, to meet the people, they have been pre-selected. Our president is living in the 'Truman Show'. Nothing happens around him that isn't planned. I don't even think he knows we're out here watching.-Jon Stewart
Did you hear that Mahmoud Abbas was elected president of Palestine? I heard the votes were counted by his brother Jeb Mahmoud Abbas.-David Letterman
Palestinians went to the polls and elected a new president, Mahmoud Abbas. And John Kerry was there as an observer. You know same role he played in our last election.-Jay Leno
Guess who was at the auto show in Detroit opening night? Bill Clinton. And they had the beautiful auto show models, showing the cars, you know. And he was seen talking to one of the models apparently about the price for a hummer.-David Letterman
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has announced that he and his wife are getting divorced. See, I know that town should have never allowed straights to get married.-Jay Leno
Alberto Gonzales, nominee for the U.S. attorney general, answered some tough questions from Congress today about his role in the Iraqi prison torture scandal. But afterwards he said to make himself relax he used that old trick of imagining your audience in their underwear -- with hoods over their heads being led around on a dog leash by a women. It just helps to get your mind clear.-Jay Leno
John Kerry
John Kerry has been under fire for throwing away his Vietnam military medals. Not to be outdone, President Bush threw away his spotty National Guard attendance records.-David Letterman
Did anybody get this week’s "Newsweek”? In this week’s magazine, John Kerry says he didn’t lose the election, he just didn’t win. There’s that clear decisive thinking we all loved about him.-Jay Leno
Here’s some exciting news. According to the New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it’s too early to tell who would lose bigger! -Jay Leno
The New York Post reports John Kerry and Al Gore are going to run in 2008. Upon hearing this, President Bush said, "Goody, I can win a third term.-Jay Leno
The Inauguration
President Bush has been working on his inauguration, not the actual speech but the word inaugural.-Jay Leno
President Bush has begun working on his inauguration day speech. He says when he’s sworn in he will swear to preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of the United States and the treasure map that’s drawn on the back of it.-Jay Leno
At the National Constitutional Center in Philadelphia, tourists can experience what it’s like to take the oath of office as president at a virtual swearing in station. Your image is up on a giant screen while an actor playing a Supreme Court justice swears you in. It’s kind of like a fantasy camp for Democrats.-Jay Leno
I love this – Trent Lott who is charge of the inaugural ceremonies has announced that one of the performers will be a former singer from the Lawrence Welk Show who will sing a song written by John Ashcroft. Who says the Republicans don’t know how to party, huh! -Jay Leno
A singer from the Lawrence Welk Show singing a song written by John Ashcroft. You know if they tried to do that at Guantanamo Bay, the Red Cross would declare it cruel and unusual punishment. -Jay Leno
I understand President Bush has been working on his inauguration speech. So far, all he’s got is "Ask not what your corporation can do for you. Ask what you can do for your corporation." -Jay Leno
One week from tonight, President Bush will be sworn in once again as president of the United States. And interestingly, this will mark only the second time in four years his hand has touched a book.-Jay Leno
Of course this one won’t be as crowded as the last one because as you know we have a lot less allies now.-Jay Leno
It was also announced for the inaugural, Bush will attend nine parties in one night. Nine parties ... he’s trying to break his old record at Yale.-Jay Leno
The big inauguration is tomorrow. In preparation today, President Bush visited the National Archives and saw an original copy of the Constitution. When the president saw the Constitution, he said, "There’s that thing from 'Schoolhouse Rock'!" -Conan O'Brien
It’s so cold in Washington for the inauguration tomorrow, they might need to use jumper cables to start the president’s limo and Dick Cheney. -Jay Leno
Security will be so tight, the only Arabs allowed in any of the inaugural parties will have to show proof they own an oil well. -Jay Leno
Security is a big issue this year. So the Secret Service announced that people attending President Bush's inaugural ceremony will not be allowed to bring coolers or alcoholic beverages. In other words, the Bush twins will not be going.-Conan O'Brien
They say that the security arrangements for the up coming presidential inauguration will be the most extensive in history. And that's just to keep the Bush twins away from the champagne.-Craig Ferguson
Washington DC is on high alert for this week's inaugural event for President Bush. Anti-aircraft missals have been deployed near the capitol. F-16's are patrolling around the clock and every bartender in town is on strict orders -- do not serve the Bush twins.-Craig Ferguson
You know what’s interesting - a lot of celebrities complaining about the cost and the glamour of the inauguration. They think the millions of dollars, instead of being spent on frivolous parties, could be put to better use. Like the Golden Globes or the People’s Choice Awards. Something like that. -Jay Leno
Republican speechwriter Peggy Noonan says that a president's second inaugural speech usually refers to the accomplishments of the past four years. So, the good news is it should be a really short speech. -Jay Leno
Some people have been criticizing President Bush for spending $40 million on his inauguration. Give the guy a break, he’s excited – this is the first time Bush has been elected. -Jay Leno
Traditionally the president's inaugural committee pays for these expenses; this time around it's stiffing the District of Columbia with a 12 million dollar security bill -- just their way of saying 'thank you' to the community that went nine-to-one for the president's opponent.-Jon Stewart
President Bush was sworn in on a Bible and Dick Cheney will be sworn in on the "Physician’s Desk Reference" book.-Jay Leno
Actually, Cheney was sworn in a few minutes before President Bush. So technically, for a few minutes, it was almost as if Dick Cheney was running the country.-Jay Leno
There was one kind of embarrassing moment during the inauguration – Chief Justice William Rehnquist told President Bush, "Repeat after me" and Bush said, "After me."-Jay Leno
Did you see Rehnquist when he arrived? He was hunched over, wearing a black beret and a big oversized robe. In fact, Bill Clinton saw him from the back and said, "Monica?" -Jay Leno
Security was tight in Washington, D.C. The Bush twins were stopped by margarita-sniffing dogs.-David Letterman
All kinds of dignitaries from around the world were at the event or called President Bush. Prince Harry of England could not make it. He’s busy at his mountain-top bunker in Bavaria.-David Letterman
Three former presidents were there. Clinton, Carter, Gore ... they were all there.-David Letterman
The inauguration was yesterday. I tell you, things are really starting to look bad for John Kerry.-David Letterman
Isn’t it nice to see a president that puts his hands on a Bible instead of an intern again?-David Letterman
As you know, President Bush had his swearing-in yesterday. In fact, a lot of Democrats are still swearing.-Jay Leno
The inauguration was a very emotional moment. Laura Bush had tears in her eyes, the president’s mom, Barbara Bush, had tears in her eyes... John Kerry had tears in his eyes.-Jay Leno
I tell you what’s really sad - did you see Bill and Hillary at the inauguration? Bill sitting there wishing it was 1996 and Hillary was there wishing it was 2008.-Jay Leno
People on TV kept saying the inauguration was full of "pomp and ceremony." I know what ceremony is, but what is "pomp”? Do you know that word, pomp? Isn’t that the name for a fat pimp? A pomp?-Jay Leno
Here’s an interesting bit of inaugural trivia. Do you know which of our elected presidents had the shortest inaugural speech? Al Gore.-Jay Leno
As I’m sure you saw, there were ten inaugural balls and President Bush attended every one, including the Texas National Guard Ball ... but no one recalls seeing there. -Jay Leno
Bush's inauguration address was interrupted 27 times for applause and three times for vacation.-David Letterman
The big inaugural was yesterday and yesterday President Bush's mother -- Barbara Bush -- brought a camera and was taking pictures the whole time. When asked why she said 'because my grand daughters won't remember any of this tomorrow'-Conan O'Brien
The parties have ended, the inauguration is over, it is back to work for President Bush. That's right -- today he left for a vacation.-Craig Ferguson
President Bush is being criticized because his inaugural celebration cost $40 million. When asked about it, the president said, 'Sorry, but my daughters insisted on an open bar.'-Conan O'Brien
Historians say the most commonly used phrase at inaugurations is 'My fellow citizens.' However, the most commonly used phrase at President Bush's inauguration is expected to be 'My fellow United Statesers.-Conan O'Brien
The Economy
The price of milk has skyrocketed. Keeps going up. It’s getting crazy – like today I saw a guy trying to milk a rat. -David Letterman
The good news - the federal government reports there's been a big increase in factory orders. The bad news, most of the orders are to pack up the factory and move it to India. -Jay Leno
The Commerce Department reported America’s trade deficit soared to an all-time high of $60 billion in November. It’s so bad that Mexicans are going to India to find good American jobs. -Jay Leno
Lawmakers in Washington, Illinois and other states are now considering a vanity tax on cosmetic surgery and botox injections. Could you imagine if they did that in California? That would be huge. I mean Joan Rivers alone could save social security. -Jay Leno
President Bush has a plan to shrink the record budget deficit. Today he put all the blue states on Ebay. Every one of them.-Craig Ferguson
The cab rates in New York City are going up. The fees are going from $2.00 to $2.50 – or, as a New York cab driver will tell you, that’s a 22-rupee increase. -David Letterman
The Bush administration announced it wants to change the social security formula and cut benefits by near 1/3rd in the next 20-30 years. The new program is called "Good luck grandma, you’re on your own. You’ve fallen and you can’t get up.”-Jay Leno
Extreme Weather
The rain has been so unbelievable! We have had record rainfall here in California this week. In fact we’ve had so much rain, we may have to delay the opening of brushfire season. -Jay Leno
This is unbelievable – it snowed today in Las Vegas today. So its official, hell has frozen over.-Jay Leno
It snowed today in Las Vegas. It was so cold Roy was attacked by a polar bear today.-Jay Leno
It was so cold 3 strippers got stuck to their brass poles.-Jay Leno
What a storm we had! Do you realize almost as many trees have been knocked down by this storm as have been knocked down by the Bush administration? -Jay Leno
Health And Medicine
In London, a study in the "Lancet Medical Journal”, says that eating lots of fast food can make you fat. So apparently they know the meaning of the word, duh! Over there too. -Jay Leno
A Chicago woman has just given birth to the world’s tiniest baby – 8.6 ounces! To put that in perspective for you, the baby is so small, the only clothes that will fit her are David Spade hand-me-downs. -Jay Leno
o you know this - many shopping centers are making parking spaces wider. How fat are we getting when even our cars’ asses are huge? -Jay Leno
According to a study in the annals of internal medicine, men who have 3 or more drinks a day increase their risk of stroke by 40%. Do you know who has three or more drinks a day? Airline pilots. -Jay Leno
According to Men's Fitness magazine, the "fittest" city in the United States is Seattle. And the fattest city, with the most overweight citizens: Houston, Texas. So if you’re a fat guy in Seattle and you don’t want to lose weight, just move to Houston – you’ll be the skinniest guy in town. -Jay Leno
According to the American Heart Association, more than 10 percent of U.S. children ages two to five are overweight. Are these kids crawling around saying, "I was in great shape when I was one, but I hit two and it all went to hell"? -Jay Leno
The Los Angeles Health Department says the Internet is responsible for an increase in syphilis among gay men. You know, if your computer is giving you syphilis, maybe it’s time to clean your keyboard! -Jay Leno
Experts say that there is one side effect to steroid use that they are just now learning about. There’s a chance you might become governor of California.-Craig Ferguson
Here’s an amazing story - in Brazil, a woman gave birth to a giant baby weighing 16.7 pounds. The baby is expected to walk before the mother. -Jay Leno
Celebrities
Good news for actor Robert Blake. The trial was picked up for another season.-Jay Leno
At Robert Blake's murder trial, a doctor testified that when he heard Blake yelling for help he went and hid behind a tree. I know that sounds unusual, but that's actually standard procedure for doctors when somebody requests treatment before they know whether you have health insurance or not. -Jay Leno
Police also said that Robert Blake also did a lousy acting job after his wife was shot. You know what that means, he won’t even get to play himself in the TV movie. -Jay Leno
Robert Blake and the jury have now been taken to Vitello’s twice. The defense is concerned jurors will be influenced by the restaurant’s new slogan: "Where Robert Blake killed his wife."-Jay Leno
Amber Frey has a new book coming out this week. I don’t know the title but I think you can rule out "finding Mr. Right”.-Jay Leno
Amber Frey gave her first interview on "Dateline” the other night. Amber said on a scale of 1 to 10 their first date was a 10. Well sure, anytime you go out with a murderer and you live…that’s a great date. -Jay Leno
"USA Today” is reporting that Amber’s book is aimed at women how have been lied to by seductive men. And today Hillary Clinton bought 50 copies. -Jay Leno
According to the New York Post, Paris Hilton is now asking $300,000 to make a personal appearance. Three hundred thousand dollars? Seems like an awful lot, especially when you can just download her video for $19.95. -Jay Leno
Mel Gibson is putting out a book version of "The Passion." A book version? Isn’t that the Bible? I realized Mel was talented, but wow! -Jay Leno
ABC is working on a four-hour miniseries that will be a remake of "The Ten Commandments." Of course, first they have to buy the rights to the Bible from Mel Gibson. -Jay Leno
Courtney Love is selling her Manhattan apartment for $6 million. Actually it’s being sold for $1 million. The other $5 million is for everything in the medicine cabinet. -David Letterman
Courtney Love is selling her Manhattan apartment for $6 million. Actually, the apartment is free but it will cost $6 million to clean it. -Conan O'Brien
Sharon Osbourne says that she is going to make a movie about her family. Right now she’s having trouble finding someone to play the role of her husband, Ozzy – and also she’s having trouble finding her husband, Ozzy. -Conan O'Brien
Anna Nicole Smith lost another 100 pounds today – her wallet! Did you hear about this? A federal appeals court threw out a judge’s earlier ruling that awarded Anna Nicole Smith $88.5 million. She will not get a penny! Now Anna Nicole says she’s going to take this all the way to the Supreme Court. Not to appeal, she just figures it’s a good place to meet some real old guys.-Jay Leno
I’m sure you heard - a federal court has ruled that Anna Nicole Smith has no claim to any money from her dead husband’s estate. But god bless her, she’s not giving up. Yesterday, I saw her up at Forest Lawn cemetery giving a lap dance to a fancy headstone. -Jay Leno
See the only trouble now that she's no longer rich, Anna Nicole goes from being "eccentric" to just plain "nutball."-Jay Leno
They say in the battle of the perfumes Britney Spears is outselling Paris Hilton. Well sure, who would you rather smell like a rock star or a porn star?-Jay Leno
Britney Spears has written a letter to Christina Aguilera to end their feud. I’m not sure if the letter will work, though, because it starts out with "Dear Skank." -Conan O'Brien
Kirstie Alley has signed a deal with Jenny Craig. I don’t want to say she’s gotten big but if "Cheers” was on today, shed be norm.-Jay Leno
Kirstie Alley has signed a deal with Jenny Craig. It’s a 6 figure deal. Six figures! How much weight has she put on?!-Jay Leno
Kirstie Alley is busy filming her new show, "Two and a Half Women."-Jay Leno
How strange is this story – the female business story of actor Marlon Brando has sued the deceased actor for sexual harassment. He’s charged with sexual harassment five months after he’s dead! Boy that Viagra is unbelievable.-Jay Leno
In his autobiography, Englebert Humperdink claims he cheated with over 3,000 women and his wife of over 40 years is fine with it, because she said it was less work for her. And today Bill Clinton got an autographed copy of the book for Hillary.-Jay Leno
How ‘bout poor Ashlee Simpson? When she finished her "song” at halftime show at the Orange Bowl down there in Miami, and 77,000 people booed her. They booed her! There hasn’t been that much booing in Miami since the Dolphins last home game. -Jay Leno
Did you see O.J. Simpson? He was there. O.J. was at the game last night. He was there. Boy, that guy always seems to be around whenever there’s a slaughter. You ever notice that? -Jay Leno
O.J. Simpson’s 19-year-old daughter was arrested in Miami for disorderly conduct at a basketball game. Sydney was yelling at police when they came and then charged with resisting arrest. What is it with these Simpson kids that makes them think they can get away with murder? -Jay Leno
She was arrested after a fight that occurred outside a prep school basketball game. Police said they were made aware of the altercation thanks to a tip by the school janitor, Kato Kaelin. -Jay Leno
Star magazine quotes Angelina Jolie as saying in a perfect world, she’d walk around with no shirt and leather pants and boots. Wow, that’s my perfect world too! What are the odds? -Jay Leno
All of America has been asking the same question about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston breaking up: Is there a sex tape? -Craig Ferguson
According to the New York Post, Jack Nicholson said that he only takes Viagra when he’s with more than one woman. Lemme tell you something. Jack is 66 years old. When he’s with more than one woman, those aren’t girlfriends, they’re nurses! -Jay Leno
Prince Harry said today that he isn’t a closet Nazi. Although he does have Nazi clothes in his closet.-Jay Leno
Prince Harry has embarrassed the royal family yet again. He showed up at a party dressed as the Jets kicker. -David Letterman
Congratulations to film director Michael Moore. Last night he won the People’s Choice Award for his film "Fahrenheit 9/11" and he was very gracious when he spoke. He thanked all the people who made him what he is today: Dave Thomas of Wendy’s; Colonel Sanders, of course; Carl’s Jr.; Ronald McDonald ... -Jay Leno
As you know, Michael Moore won a People’s Choice Award the other night. This may be the first time the Republicans ask for a recount.-Jay Leno
Michael Jackson
It does not look good for Michael Jackson. The prosecution evidence in the Michael Jackson case starting to leak out. Did you hear about this today? When police searched Michael’s bedroom, this is true, they confiscated a pair of "Hanes underwear, size small”. Here’s the creepy thing: he had them mounted on the wall. -Jay Leno
According to court testimony, we’re finding out what life was like in Michael Jackson’s bedroom. Apparently it was heavily protected by locks, sensors and security devices. Wow! Michael likes to sleep in a high-security environment. Whew, he’s going to love prison. This will work out great.-Jay Leno
According to the documents just unsealed, this is absolutely true, you’ll see this on the news tonight, Michael Jackson nicknamed one of his young boys "blowhole”. That’s what it said. I have two words - case closed. -Jay Leno
According to police reports, Michael Jackson gave underage kids red wine hidden in cans of Diet Coke. Now that’s just wrong, isn’t it? I mean, the guy signed a deal with Pepsi. He shouldn’t be crossing over like that. -Jay Leno
The prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case are looking for a way to get Jackson. They’re now focusing on the new law – three tykes and you’re out. -Craig Ferguson
The E! Channel has announced they’re going to start broadcasting recreations of the Michael Jackson trial, using actors reading the transcripts. I believe the role of Michael will be played by Latoya Jackson.-Jay Leno
Prosecutors say they want to ban Michael Jackson from wearing sunglasses in the courtroom. But Jackson says he can’t take them off, because they hold his nose in place. -Jay Leno
Prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case want the children’s testimony to be kept secret. To which Michael Jackson said, "Hey, if these kids could keep a secret, I wouldn’t be here." -Jay Leno
It was on this day back in 1984 that Michael Jackson was burned on his head while filming a TV commercial for Pepsi. I believe that’s the last time Michael Jackson was considered hot.-Jay Leno
Let’s see what’s new in the Michael Jackson trial – or, as it’s now being called, "Fondling Neverland."-Jay Leno
Dan Rather
Four people have been fired from CBS over the Dan Rather report on President Bush’s National Guard records. The network said the four employees were fired for sloppy reporting and incompetent fact checking. The good news: Today all four of them got jobs with the New York Times.-Jay Leno
As you know, big shakeup at CBS News over that story about President Bush and the falsified National Guard records. CBS has issued a report saying that "60 Minutes" was misled by an unreliable source. Yeah, I think his name was Dan Rather.-Jay Leno
Yesterday when the report on Dan Rather’s forged documents story came out, Dan Rather wasn’t in the CBS News anchor spot. He was "on assignment." Shut up! "On assignment"? He was hiding in the basement.-Jay Leno
The independent panel concluded that CBS failed to follow basic journalistic principles in reporting. And Fox News said, "Yeah, so?"-Jay Leno
CBS is considering replacing Dan Rather with multiple news anchors. As opposed to Dan, who was one anchor with multiple personalities? -Jay Leno
CBS News today has fired four employees for wildly fabricating a news story. The good news: they all got jobs over at Fox.-Craig Ferguson
CBS says that after Dan Rather steps down as CBS News anchor, they may replace him with three anchors. One to read the news and two to check the facts. -Jay Leno
Time magazine reported this week that Katie Couric has been approached by CBS to replace Dan Rather as anchor of the CBS 'Evening News.'... Replacing Rather with Couric would be good for people who like the news, but wish it contained more awkward flirting.'-Tina Fey
Donald Trump
According to "In Touch” magazine Donald Trump is coming out with a line of hair products for men. Donald Trump hair products? Isn’t that a little like Keith Richards coming out with his own line of facial creams.-Jay Leno
Donald Trump is introducing a line of hair care products. That's like George Bush publishing a dictionary.-David Letterman
According to the New York Post, Donald Trump has invited both his ex-wives to his wedding. Both ex-wives have turned the invitation down because they’re both busy. However, they have both said they will attend the next one. -Conan O'Brien
Our old friend Donald Trump is getting married this weekend. That will be a small, quiet affair, I’m sure. Donald has invited both his ex-wives to his wedding. That’s gotta make a bride uncomfortable, huh? Walking down the aisle, seeing your new husband’s ex-wives sitting there holding a place for you.-Jay Leno
You think that’s weird, inviting your ex-wives to the wedding? Would you invite your ex-wives to your wedding? Hey, at least it’s better than Jennifer Lopez, who invites her future husbands to the weddings.-Jay Leno
Donald Trump is getting married tomorrow. He originally wanted the wedding to air on NBC. But instead it will air on the Soon to Be History Channel.-Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump is getting married this weekend. Apparently there’s already trouble in the relationship. Donald became upset when she said she wanted to be in the wedding photos too.-Jay Leno
The couple are writing their own vows. The vows for the bride include to love, honor, and not point and laugh at his hair. -Jay Leno
It’s been three days since the Trump wedding. I think they’re going to make it.-Jay Leno
As you know, Donald Trump's wife did change her name. She's now known as "Trump, the Wife." -Jay Leno
Teachers & Students
It’s happened again - a teacher in here Orange County has been arrested for allegedly having sex with two of her 13 year-old male students...she was being held on one million dollars bail - which the two boys are trying to raise right now. They’ve got a little paper drive going right now.-Jay Leno
Two students! She had sex with two students! That’s when you know our classrooms are overcrowded. When the teacher has to do two kids. Where’s the individual attention.-Jay Leno
Remember the good old days, when teachers had sex with only one student at a time?-Jay Leno
The student turned her in after getting upset because the teacher had called his parents and told them he finished first in his class.-Jay Leno
How come you never hear about boys having sex with cafeteria ladies?…All I ever got to bang was the eraser.-Jay Leno
The U.S. Department of Education has a new slogan: Our students may be behind the rest of the world, but they’re on top of their teachers.-Jay Leno
It’s happened again. A high school teacher from Redwood City has been arrested after DNA tests proved that the father of her baby was one of her former students. When did this start, teachers sleeping with students? You know, when I was in high school the only teacher who hit on me was my drama teacher. And he wasn’t even that good-looking. -Jay Leno
At a school in Virginia, President Bush announced tough new reading standards for high school students. He wants ninth-graders to read at an eighth-grade level by the time they’re in the 12th grade.-Jay Leno
Popular Culture
It’s fun to be in Times Square on New Years Eve. You get drunk, you kiss strangers at midnight – for a couple of hours you’re like Courtney Love. -David Letterman
Here’s a strange story - in Feasterville, Pennsylvania a 21-year-old man has been accused of burning down his parent’s house after they didn’t give him any Christmas presents. Here’s the ironic part – you know what they gave him last year? Cigarette lighter. -Jay Leno
McDonald’s announced this week they are considering a new humane way to kill their chickens. The old way was pretty cruel. They used to make the chickens eat McDonald’s. -Jay Leno
McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it? -Jay Leno
According to a leading retailer, men in New Jersey are the least likely to buy lingerie for their women. However, governors of New Jersey are the most likely to buy lingerie for themselves. -Jay Leno
You heard about the guy in New Jersey that was arrested for pointing a laser beam at an airliner? It was so unnerving that the pilot had to pour another scotch. -David Letterman
43% of Americans say they’re so tired at work, they would take a nap if they could. Actually, a lot of people do nap at work. Like the Oklahoma defense. -Jay Leno
A company now is developing a helmet for snowboarders with a built in phone. This way when you’re distracted on the phone and hit a tree you can call 911. -Jay Leno
Anybody read the latest issue of "Consumer Reports”, you know what they’re rating this month? Condoms. Well I can’t wait to see the slow motion videos of those crash test dummies. -Jay Leno
Consumers Union, America’s number one consumer group, has announced it is finally testing and rating condoms. The worst condom, surprisingly, the one distributed by Planned Parenthood. They said it broke, it burst. The best one was the one made by the Hefty trash bag people with the metal twist tie at the end. -Jay Leno
Police in Snohomish County, Washington, report a huge drop-off in locally grown marijuana because people are buying imported Canadian marijuana. You know, it’s bad enough our legal drugs are cheaper up there – now they're selling us all their illegal drugs too.-Jay Leno
Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a 150 pound kangaroo after it was caught walking around outside in frigid weather. The owner could face a number of charges. That’s gotta be frustrating for the kangaroo. Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands are too short to put them in it.-Jay Leno
Here’s an interesting problem - in Anchorage, Alaska, zoo officials trying to figure out what has been making an African elephant who has been in the Alaska zoo since 1983 depressed. Maybe the fact that he’s an elephant in Alaska. Hello! You might want to talk to the polar bear in Johannesburg! -Jay Leno
This is a fascinating story. Officials at a zoo in Anchorage, Alaska, are trying to figure out why an elephant at the zoo is always depressed. Do you think it could have anything to do with being in Anchorage? -David Letterman
Thirty-two Chinese illegal immigrants were found in two cargo containers in L.A. harbor over the weekend. The illegal immigrants were in the two containers during a two-week ocean journey from Hong Kong. Apparently they booked this trip on Priceline.com.-Jay Leno
Actually, there were a total of three containers. The 32 Chinese people were in two of the containers. And the third container, I believe, had fried rice in shrimp sauce. -Jay Leno
According to a new report, in England cocaine is now cheaper than coffee. Which means they must have Starbucks too.-Jay Leno
Did you know that today is the 23rd anniversary of the camcorder? Huge party at Paris Hilton’s house.-Jay Leno
Did you see the guys with the rocket ship going into outer space? A couple of guys broke a record sending their civilian-made spacecraft 50 miles into space. You all know at that height there’s only two manmade things visible from that height. Only two manmade things are visible ... the Great Wall of China and Donald Trump’s hair. -David Letterman
A group of people here in California are fighting for the right for women to be able to sunbathe topless in California. The name of this group... guys.-Jay Leno
A group of lawyers here in California is petitioning the California Legislature to make it legal for women to sunbathe topless. Finally – lawyers who are doing some good for society, huh? -Jay Leno
A couple in Romania has named their baby "Yahoo" because they met on the Yahoo! Web site, in the personal ads. The baby joins their two other children, Google and Asian Porn.-Jay Leno
I hope you all had a nice holiday. Today, of course, is Martin Luther King Day, the day we honor the legacy of Martin Luther king. We’ve come a long way. We’ve come a long way. We used to divide the country into black and white. Now we divide it into red states and blue states. -Jay Leno
President Bush gave a speech honoring the life of Martin Luther King today. And then he said, Mr. King hosts my favorite CNN show. -Jay Leno
A man is suing the Mirage and MGM casinos because they encouraged him to borrow money to gamble. This is a good thing because it has actually brought him closer to his two kids, who are suing McDonald’s for making them fat. -Jay Leno
A federal appeals court reinstated a lawsuit filed by two teenagers against McDonald’s for making them fat. McDonald’s made the kids fat! The court said McDonald’s may have violated New York’s consumer protection act by not telling people what's in their food. What’s in the food? We're talking about McNuggets here! Even McDonald’s doesn't know what's in those things. No one knows what’s in a McNugget.-Jay Leno
Anheuser-Busch has come out with a new beer with caffeine in it. What was the thinking there? "You know, Phil, we could sell more beer if there was just a way to keep drunk guys from passing out .. hey, wait a minute!"-Jay Leno
Budweiser is coming out with a new beer called "B to the E," containing caffeine and ginseng. They say it gives you a jolt of energy. Until now, the only way beer drinkers could get a big jolt of energy is when the cops would hit you with the taser gun: "Come on, you drunk bastard! Get up!" -Jay Leno
L.A. officials say that an African wildcat is loose in the city of Los Angeles. People take these wild animals here as pets and lose them. They plan to catch it by baiting it with a jungle cat’s favorite food — Las Vegas magician.-Jay Leno
Four Sacramento firefighters, three men and a woman, may lose their jobs after they got caught having an orgy in the station house while on duty. You can understand how this happened – you combine long hours, tense situations, four lonely people and a brass pole...-Jay Leno
Scientists in at the Pacific Northwest laboratory in Washington say they have created a way to artificially petrify wood. Isn’t that called Viagra?-Jay Leno
Researchers at USC report that foreign immigration to California will slow down over the next 25 years. Of course it will slow down. You think that’s because maybe everybody is already here? -Jay Leno
A 66-year-old Romanian woman has just given birth, to be the oldest woman ever to give birth. That took a lot of courage – from the guy that got her pregnant. Let’s not forget that guy!-Craig Ferguson
Have you heard about this new Airbus built in Europe? It’s a double-decker plane, the largest ever built. It also comes with 30 bitchy male flight attendants. -David Letterman
European airline manufacturer Airbus – sounds attractive, doesn’t it, Airbus? – Airbus has unveiled their design for a new double-decker jumbo jet. It seats 555 average-sized people or 126 fat-ass Americans. -Jay Leno
How stupid is this? Two companies are now making RVs that they say can withstand the radiation from a nuclear attack. OK, let’s say that’s true and you buy one and its doesn’t work... how do you get your money back on something like that? -Jay Leno
How bizarre is this? There are two companies now advertising they make RVs that can withstand radiation from a nuclear attack. Was there a big call for this?! People upset: You know, "Last time we were under nuclear attack our vacation was completely ruined because our RV couldn’t take the 10,000-degree temperature!"-Jay Leno
Do you know what week this is in our public schools? I’m not making this up: This week is National No Name-Calling Week. They don’t want any name-calling in our public schools. What stupid dork came up with this idea? -Jay Leno
This is something that made me think. According to Life magazine, every coffee bean passes through at least forty pairs of hands before it gets to you. Forty people touch each coffee bean. There’s another thing about coffee that’ll keep you up all night.-Jay Leno
Some sad news. The CEO of Krispy Kreme donuts was fired today. Apparently he had no idea it was coming, and when they told him, his eyes just glazed over.-Jay Leno
Virgin Airlines announced that they’re going to have a casino on their new giant double-decker airplane. Do you really need casinos on airplanes? I mean the pilots are drunk, you’re breathing the same air as 550 other people, security is being handled by a bunch of minimum-wage workers – how much more gambling do you need? Oh, let’s throw dice, too!-Jay Leno
They try to make it sound so cool. They say this plane has a private bar. It’s a private bar? Is there a big problem with passengers from other planes stopping in for a drink? -Jay Leno
Some colleges, such as Rutgers University, are now beginning to offer dorms for recovering alcoholics. As opposed to regular college dorms, which train you to be an alcoholic? -Jay Leno
Bob Jones, the president of Bob Jones University, will no longer be the president of Bob Jones University. He is stepping down. When asked why he was stepping down, it was said because his name wasn’t Bob "Jonesy" enough. -Conan O'Brien
Here’s something fascinating – a space probe that landed on Saturn’s moon Titan has found that it is filled with rivers and clouds of liquid methane. Either that or the probe may have landed in a river in New Jersey.-Jay Leno
According to Self magazine, one in four women say they have negative thoughts about their body during sex. See, why do women worry about these kinds of things? During sex men are probably thinking about some other woman’s body anyway. Don’t worry about it.-Jay Leno
A man in Florida has been arrested for selling marijuana while working at a Long John Silver's. Police became suspicious when they saw someone going into Long John Silver's.-Conan O'Brien
Did you hear about this? Christian groups say that a SpongeBob video being sent to schools encourages a gay lifestyle. SpongeBob is denying he is gay, and so is his longtime companion, Kitchen Sponge Toby. -Jay Leno
Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization, Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. And yet he gives that carpet-muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride.-Tina Fey
Television
Did you see the New Years Eve program, the "Rockin’ Regis New Years Eve”? Regis hosted the show for the first time. It was also the first time that the host fell asleep before midnight. -David Letterman
Last night Fox had a 90 minute special for their new show "Who’s Your Daddy?” Where a woman has to guess which one of eight guys is her real father. That’s better than the original title "Which one of you guys was on my mom?”-Jay Leno
It did terrible in the ratings. It did so bad, even my Tivo said, "I’m not taping this crap.”-Jay Leno
Fox's show "Who's Your Daddy" did so bad, today the guy put his daughter back up for adoption.-Jay Leno
The new season of "American Idol” begins on January 18th and one of the guest celebrity judges is going to be Tommy Lee of Motley Crue. Or as we like to call him, the real William Hung! -Jay Leno
Right here on CBS there’s a new reality show to find the next Martha Stewart. Why? Because America can’t go five months without a domestic diva.-David Letterman
"Fear Factor” is being sued for two and half million dollars by a Cleveland man who said watching the show made him vomit. I guess he has one of those rare TV’s without the off switch.-Jay Leno
There is going to be a "Fear Factor" theme park. All of the food in the park will make you violently ill. So really, how different is that from any other theme park?-Craig Ferguson
Did you see the last episode of "The Biggest Loser" last night? The winner was a guy from Spokane, Washington, that lost 122 pounds, 8 inches off his waist and all his dignity. -Conan O'Brien
How many watched NBC’s show "The Biggest Loser" the other night? One of the female finalists, Kelly Minner, did not win. But she lost 79 pounds. She looked great. In fact, she said: "I look great now, I feel great now. And I’ve stopped getting those annoying phone calls from Bill Clinton.” -Jay Leno
Great episode of "Medium" earlier tonight on NBC – in this one, Allison contacts the recently dead to find out what happened. The Indianapolis Colts. -Jay Leno
A lot of people are buying this new projection TV. Have you seen this thing? It’s amazing. It lets you project a huge 8-foot picture onto a blank wall. It’s great for the Super Bowl, because once the Patriots are up by 30, you can do shadow puppets on it to entertain your friends. -Jay Leno
The Woman’s Channel – you know, the Lifetime Channel, has all the women’s shows – is working on a new reality series called "You’re not the man I married," where brides discover after a few years of marriage that the man they married isn’t who they thought he’d be. There’s a similar show in the works from the guys' perspective. It’s called "Honey, have you put on a couple of pounds?" -Jay Leno
Did you see that big Katie Couric special last night on NBC? Very serious, Katie spoke to a bunch of teenagers about their attitudes toward sex. And they were all high school kids and they spoke very openly and honestly about the sex they were having. They didn’t mention any teachers' names or anything, but they talked honestly. -Jay Leno
I don’t know if many of you watched Katie Couric’s special the other night where she talked to teenagers about sex. The kids were quite open. Twelve percent of teens said they’ve talked to a teacher about sex. And 30 percent said they’ve talked to a teacher during sex. -Jay Leno
Fox has a new show, "Point Pleasant," about a teenage girl who happens to be Satan’s daughter. It’s like "Joan of Arcadia" with PMS. -Jay Leno
Golden Globes
It was a big night for "Nip/Tuck" last night. Otherwise known as the Golden Globes. How many watched that thing?-Jay Leno
Leonardo DiCaprio won for best actor in "The Aviator." At the party afterwards he was drinking so much, people actually thought he was a real pilot!-Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton also made an appearance. I think she won for "Kill Bill"!-Jay Leno
This was the biggest gathering of Hollywood celebrities since the November anti-Bush rally.-Jay Leno
They say the Golden Globes is generally looked on as a precursor to the Oscars. Just like the Vibe Awards are a precursor to the next "America’s Most Wanted."-Jay Leno
The Golden Globes were last night. Everything went pretty good. Angelina Jolie only broke up two marriages.-David Letterman
Joan Rivers was there, along with her daughter, Melissa Rivers. They were on the red carpet together. Melissa has some of the characteristics of her mom. Which is nice, because Joan doesn’t have them anymore. -David Letterman
Movies
The number one movie over the holiday week was "Meet the Fockers,” starring Barbara Streisand, Robert Deniro, Ben Stiller, and Dustin Hoffman. The film set a record…it’s the first win for the Democrats all year. -Jay Leno
There are reports that Michael Douglas is getting ready to star in his third "Romancing the Stone" movie. He’s getting a bit little older, so this one will be called "Passing the Stone." -Jay Leno
The new Tara Reid–Christian Slater movie, "Alone in the Dark," did not do well at the box office this weekend. Actually, that’s why it’s called "Alone in the Dark" – anyone who saw it was alone in the dark. -Jay Leno
Director Oliver Stone said that he is going to make the DVD version of "Alexander" less gay. So now it’s going to go from 2 hours and 55 minutes to about 6 and 1/2 minutes. So it’s going to be a short film.-Jay Leno
As you may have heard, Michael Moore’s film "Fahrenheit 9/11" didn’t get one Oscar nomination, not one. Today President Bush said, "Does this mean I can’t get Best Actor now?"-Jay Leno
Speaking of that, today Michael Moore announced his next project: a film looking at voter fraud for the Oscars. You know what I’m talking about?-Jay Leno
Mel Gibson’s "The Passion of the Christ" got nominated for three lesser awards: cinematography, makeup and musical score. Apparently Hollywood felt the movie looked great, but the story wasn’t believable. -Jay Leno
"The Passion of the Christ" didn’t receive any nominations for major awards. This isn’t the first time that Jesus has gotten bad treatment.-Jay Leno
Mel Gibson’s movie "The Passion of the Christ" has grossed over $370 million. A lot of people are mad it didn’t get nominated. It’s pretty amazing because it’s in Aramaic. That’s a language not even spoken at 7-11.-Jay Leno
Mel Gibson’s film "The Passion of the Christ" wasn't nominated for any of the major awards, but it did get one for best musical score. Which is kind of strange, isn’t it? You're watching a film where Jesus is dying on the cross and people are going, "Hey, catchy tune."-Jay Leno
This is the greatest year ever for African-American actors and actresses. Five of twenty acting nominations went to African-Americans! In fact, Condoleezza Rice is up for best actress for "I’m looking forward to working with Barbara Boxer." -Jay Leno
Sports
The Yankees have signed Randy Johnson to a $48 million deal. They say Randy Johnson is cranky and a loner. That’s the most money paid out to a cranky loner since CBS hired me. -David Letterman
What was that? USC beat "Choke-lahoma” 55-19. Fifty-five to nineteen! When I first heard those numbers I thought "Oh, Billy Joel must’ve gotten married again.”-Jay Leno
It was so bad, you couldn’t even see the Oklahoma logo in their end zone because USC was always standing on it.-Jay Leno
Baseball’s Anaheim Angels have officially changed their name to the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim”. The longest name ever! Doesn’t this sound like the team got divorced and remarried. They’re forced to use their maiden name, for business reasons. -Jay Leno
Carlos Beltran has signed a deal with the New York Mets for $119 million. That means a beer at Shea Stadium will now cost anywhere from 30 to 40 bucks. -David Letterman
$119 million deal. Still, the Mets can’t compete with the Yankees for overpaid disappointments. -David Letterman
This should keep the Mets in the pennant race until ... oh, May or June. -David Letterman
Carlos Beltran has signed a deal with the New York Mets. $119 million deal. You think he won’t have a problem balancing the checkbook. But in fairness he still has to pay for his own steroids.-David Letterman
That’s a fantastic deal. $119 million! And the best part about playing for the Mets is that you get October off. -David Letterman
To reach college athletes, the NCAA announced they are launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network. You know what’s sad about that? Not the gambling – the fact that the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network. -Jay Leno
Kobe Bryant and the Lakers are playing the Nuggets in Denver tonight. Kobe’s wife is excited because any time Kobe goes to Colorado she gets jewelry.-Jay Leno
The NFL commissioner is expected to fine Randy Moss $5,000 for his actions at last weekend’s game. He also had some stern words for Moss. He said, "We’re watching your ass!" -Jay Leno
The NFL today announced their fine against Minnesota Viking receiver Randy Moss for his little mooning incident. Remember they were going to fine him $5,000? They fined him $10,000. That’s $5,000 per cheek. -Jay Leno
Don King is suing ESPN for $2.5 billion for defamation. $2.5 billion! That’s almost as much money as he stole from Mike Tyson!-Jay Leno
Boxing promoter Don King is suing ESPN for $2.5 billion. He claimed they showed him in a bad light. Which I think would be daylight, wouldn’t it?-Jay Leno
Once again the New England Patriots beat the Colts to advance to the AFC championship game. Also, congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles. They beat Minnesota 27-14. In fact, Randy Moss was so upset, he wouldn’t show his face or his ass after the game! -Jay Leno
This weekend, Mets catcher Mike Piazza is getting married. The wedding is going to be a small one, Piazza, his wife and the three remaining Mets fans. -Conan O'Brien
Some more happy news – New York Mets Catcher Mike Piazza is now engaged to a former "Baywatch" star – David Hasselhoff.-Jay Leno
I think it’s great that Mike Piazza is getting married. After all, he plays for the Mets, this is his only chance to get a ring. -Jay Leno
The Patriots going to the Super Bowl? What a year it’s been for Massachusetts. The Red Sox, the Patriots, John Kerry ... OK, two out of three is not bad. -Jay Leno
Kev, you and I should have a bet for the Super Bowl. If my Patriots win, you have to send me 30 Philly cheese steaks. If your Eagles win, I’ll buy you a jacket because that means hell froze over. -Jay Leno
Philadelphia Eagles receiver Terrell Owens says God is healing him for the Super Bowl. He has torn ligaments and a broken bone in his ankle, but he says God is healing him in time for the game. And today God said: "Hey, I got New England +7. Don’t drag me into this." -Jay Leno
You all excited about the Super Bowl? How many have the Patriots? How many have the Eagles? In honor of Terrell Owens, Kentucky Fried Chicken has a new Eagles Super Bowl meal. It’s two wings and a broken leg for $2.99. -Jay Leno
Big problems with next week’s Super Bowl. I hear they might not even air the Eagles playing the Patriots because of legal reasons. You know about this? Because, you know, apparently you’re not supposed to televise an execution.-Jay Leno
Terrell Owens, who has a broken bone in his foot, says God is healing his ankle in time for the Super Bowl. He says God is performing a miracle for him. And today God said: "Hey, I got the Eagles in the Super Bowl. I’m through with miracles, pal." -Jay Leno
Steroids
Major League Baseball has announced new, tougher steroid testing policies. The new steroid rules would impose a $100,000 fine for a five-time steroid offender. You know the old penalty for a five-time steroid offender? The Most Valuable Player trophy.-Jay Leno
Major League Baseball has a new testing policy for every drug. Jason Giambi was confused and thought that meant to try every drug. -Craig Ferguson
Baseball’s new anti-drug plan is being criticized now for not including amphetamines, which are thought to be at least as prevalent as steroids. Amphetamines! You thought baseball was slow before. That’s when they were on speed! How slow is it going to be when you take that away?-Jay Leno
Baseball says it will be looking more closely for unusual signs that players are on steroids. Like, for example, if Arizona starts winning.-Jay Leno
According to a new poll, 66 percent of baseball fans feel baseball’s new steroid policy doesn’t go far enough. A first offense only suspends you for ten games. Fans want a steeper penalty. That’s now, during the off-season. Wait till they sit through a few one-to-nothing games. They’ll be going, "We want steroids! We want steroids!" -Jay Leno