War On Terror

The U.S. military says that even though Osama bin Laden may have left Afghanistan, they will continue to bomb as long as Geraldo is there. -Jay Leno

The armed forces have started another major attack by dropping more Daisy Cutter bombs on the caves in Tora Bora. This marked the first time that the Taliban were saying the word "holy" not followed by "war."-Craig Kilborn

The president said he is going to put all the terrorist training facilities out of business. I believe him – there’s not many businesses that have stayed open while he’s been in charge. -Jay Leno

In Afghanistan the armed forces continue to go through caves. In some of them they are finding all kinds of stuff, fax machines, copiers, computers -- it's like searching through Winona Rydeer's house. -David Letterman

Today was the first day of the mandatory bag matching at airports. Airplanes cannot take off unless all baggage matches all the passengers. Here in L.A. not only does the baggage have to match but also your shoes and purse.-Jay Leno

Airlines started bag matching today. If you're in a hurry at the airport, I would advise that if your first name is Mohammad, your last name better be Ali.-Craig Kilborn

The airlines are bringing in more bomb-sniffing dogs. These are supposed to be the smartest dogs in the world. Hey, how about we get some of those in the White House instead of those two dumb ones that sit and watch the president choke!-Jay Leno

The idiot shoe-bomber plead not guilty today. Not guilty? Two hundred people on an airplane saw you try to light a bomb in your show on fire. Where does he think he is – L.A.?-Jay Leno

A brother of Osama bin Laden is coming out with a bin Laden clothing line. I think the only garment I want to see with bin Laden written on it is a body bag.-Jay Leno

The CIA is questioning five al-Qaeda operatives who are dedicated to die for the al-Qaeda network – which works out great, since we're ready to kill them. -Jay Leno

On CNN it was reported that several countries have donated over $1.5 billion in aid to Afghanistan. Afghanistan is now in better shape than Kmart. -Conan O'Brien

They've also had no music in Afghanistan until now. They are so backward on music that they still think P. Diddy is Puff Daddy. -David Letterman

The latest from Afghanistan are reports from the U.S. military saying that Osama bin Laden is hiding in a remote, desolate region – Kmart! -Conan O'Brien

In Salt Lake City, local police are having reports that Osama bin Laden has been spotted in Utah. Reports from the Taliban deny that bin Laden is there, because the Mormon religion is too strict. -Conan O'Brien

Did you see Johnny Walker's father on TV saying, "My son loves America"? Yeah, right – like O.J. loves his wife. -Jay Leno

American Taliban fighter John Walker is now in the process of a plea agreement. The charges might drop from traitor to just idiot. -Jay Leno

The big rumor going around is that we are going to bomb Iraq next. Or, as they call it at the White House, "Operation Keep Enron off the Front Page"!-Jay Leno

Taliban Prisoners

We are now sending captured Taliban fighters to a prison on Cuba -- and if that doesn't teach them a lesson, it's on to Hawaii! -David Letterman

We are now sending Taliban POWs to Cuba. We really know how to punish these terrorists. Let them spend the winter on a Caribbean island. -David Letterman

The captured Taliban that are now in Cuba are getting one bath towel, they are getting shampoo and toothpaste. The people there are seeing this and asking Castro, "Can we get this stuff?"-David Letterman

Are you following the story of the Taliban prisoners in Cuba? They each get a foam rubber mat to sleep on. A foam rubber mat – that would cost $2,000 a month here in New York City.-David Letterman

More al-Qaeda prisoners have arrived in Guantanamo Bay. They say the conditions for the prisoners are humane but not comfortable. Isn't that the Motel 6 slogan? -Jay Leno

President Bush's Choking Incident

By now everyone has heard this. President Bush choked on a pretzel and passed out. That's better than before – remember when he used to choke on vowels? -Jay Leno

He choked on the pretzel while watching the Baltimore Ravens and Miami Dolphins football game. Hey, at that exact time the Dolphins were choking, too – amazing! -Jay Leno

The CIA has done a background check on the pretzel – and turns out it had spent some time in Germany and before that was in Iraq. -David Letterman

The sale of pretzels has skyrocketed since President Bush's choking incident last weekend. In an effort to jump-start the economy, next weekend President Bush plans to choke on a Ford Festiva.-Craig Kilborn

The White House will not reveal the brand of pretzel that President Bush choked on. We've got our priorities straight – in the meantime you can see all of our top military secrets every night on CNN. -Jay Leno

Good news! In Washington, the Hart Senate Office Building is now open, after all anthrax has been removed. In a similar story, the White House will reopen now that all pretzels have been removed.-Conan O'Brien

President Bush made the State of the Union address tonight. He asked Congress for a $48 billion increase in defense – and that's just to protect the country against pretzels. -Conan O'Brien

Argentina

Today Argentina announced its fifth president in two weeks. They're having problems down there. Apparently the first four weren't able to speak Spanish. I guess Al Gore even volunteered for the job.-Jay Leno

Argentina now has its fifth president in two weeks and Florida isn't involved. Amazing.-Jay Leno

Have you seen this? They've (Argentina) now had five presidents in two weeks. I think the last guy got the job just by being the tenth caller. -Jay Leno

Have you heard the news from Argentina? They have had five presidents in two weeks. Why don't they do it how we have elections here -- count the votes and the guy that loses wins. -Craig Kilborn

Politics

The new mayor, Michael Bloomberg, says that he intends on taking the subway to work every day. He also says he plans on showing up late and smelling like urine. -Conan O'Brien

Mayor Bloomberg has announced that he thinks the city should cut the pay of the firefighters and police department. This guy is a public relations genius! -David Letterman

In the Detroit Free Press the mayor of Detroit was quoted as declaring, "Detroit is God's city." In a related story, God has moved to the suburbs. -Conan O'Brien

It's a new year, lots of new laws, too. A bunch of new laws went into effect yesterday here in California. In Los Angeles it is now a crime when a celebrity murders someone. -Jay Leno

India and Pakistan are on the verge of war. You know what this means the price of a Slurpee is going to go through the roof! Buy your Big Gulps now! -Jay Leno

President Bush announced today that they have stopped a terrorist organization that has taken millions and millions away from the American people. Yes! The IRS is finished! -Jay Leno

Bill Clinton was in L.A. today giving a speech. He was paid $200,000 for the engagement. It's good to see a brother from Harlem getting out and making it.-Jay Leno

Pat Buchanan is making a stir again. In his new book he claims homosexuality is addictive – apparently, so are intolerance and stupidity. -Jay Leno

Did you watch "The "Real West Wing" with Tom Brokaw earlier this week? It was good. President Bush was candid. He said, "I can't please everyone, including my wife." Which is different from Clinton – he tried to please everyone except his wife. -Jay Leno

Bush is going to ask Congress for another $50 billion for defense. That's just to protect the country from Mike Tyson. -Jay Leno

The president’s address was translated in Spanish, Arabic and Mandarin Chinese last night. I guess he’s trying to connect with all the people in California. -Jay Leno

Corporate Crime

Enron executives said today that there is not a shred of evidence that they did anything wrong – of course, that's because they've shredded the evidence.-Jay Leno

The elusive search for that evil mastermind continues. The CEO of Enron is still at large.-David Letterman

One year ago today President Bush took the oath of office. Just one year ago Bush was considered dumb and the CEO of Enron was a genius. -Jay Leno

Enron is now offically out of the energy business. They are now going into another business – the confetti industry. -Jay Leno

Next week on "Fear Factor" there will be a special episode where they lower Dick Cheney into a pit full of people asking questions about Enron. -Jay Leno

Mike Tyson

Mike Tyson and his wife are getting a divorce. What happened was that she came home and found him beating up another woman.-Jay Leno

She (Mike Tyson's Wife) is going to get half of the money. Which is bad for Mike because Don King took the other half.-Jay Leno

Mike Tyson and his wife have filed for divorce. Who could have seen that coming?! I guess it must be because of irreconcilable differences. He's insane and she's not! -Jay Leno

Big news to start out with. In the world of sports, Mike Tyson got in a brawl with Lennox Lewis and bit him. A few hours later, Tyson was still so upset that he said he would never eat British food again.-Conan O'Brien

Lucky enough Tyson's handlers got hold of him before it went too far. How embarassing is that? Most people have managers. Tyson has handlers, like guys with long sticks and rodeo clowns following him around. -Jay Leno

Of course, Mike Tyson is in the news. Yesterday he got into a brawl with Lennox Lewis and bit him at a press conference. Now, on top of that, he and his wife are getting a divorce. The reason for the divorce is that Mike told his wife that he wanted to bite other people.-Conan O'Brien

The results are back, Lennox Lewis is OK, he doesn't have rabies. They won't have to put Mike down. -Jay Leno

Officials are saying that Tyson has tarnished the sport of boxing. Don King is now furious, saying, "Hey, that’s my job!” -Jay Leno

President Bush warned Americans the other night about "ticking time bombs" that could go off at any second – but enough about Mike Tyson.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Eric Clapton has married a 25-year-old woman, half his age. Keith Richards, too, has gotten married. He married a 50-year-old woman that was half his age. -Conan O'Brien

Rap star C-Murder is in trouble. He was arrested for none other than – murder! Gee, who could have seen that coming? That should be an easy trial for the jury. Please state and sign your name here. C-Murder... uh, guilty! -Jay Leno

It is being reported that rap star C-Murder has been charged with murder in Louisana. C-Murder has asked that during the trial, he be reffered to as just Bob. -Conan O'Brien

Rapper C-Murder has been arrested and charged with murder in New Orleans. He is now hoping to get a plea bargain to get his name changed to C-Manslaughter. -Conan O'Brien

Stephen King has written a letter to his fans that he's repeating himself too much and is going to retire from writing novels. The letter is 500 pages long and ends with a bucket of blood being tossed onto a possessed car. -Craig Kilborn

A new book is out that tells about all the men Madonna has slept with -- I believe it's called the phone book. -Craig Kilborn

Weather

Atlanta, Georgia, got three inches of snow yesterday. You know what they call three inches of snow in Buffalo? July! -Jay Leno

It is so cold in the South that people are sleeping next to people that aren't their relatives. -Jay Leno

It's cold out East - so cold that Al Gore said he is now in favor of global warming! -Jay Leno

It was so cold out that rap stars were actually chilling out. -Jay Leno

It was cold! What was the temperature? The temperature was five below Hillary. -Jay Leno

Popular Culture

The final episode of "Survivor" was held tonight. The winner got $1 million and a bath. -David Letterman

'N Sync has been cut out of the next "Star Wars" movie. A spokesman for George Lucas said that even in galaxies far, far away -- boy bands still suck. -Craig Kilborn

People in New Mexico are burning Harry Potter books because they contain references to witchcraft. Now don't you have to buy the books first before you burn them? Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose? -Jay Leno

"The Lord of The Rings" is still number one in the theaters. Fans have now pointed out 37 mistakes in the movie. The makers of the movie in response have made a mistake by calling the fans of the movie geeks instead of dorks. -Conan O'Brien

The Clintons' dog Buddy is dead. It's very sad. He was thumped by a car. They say Buddy could roll over, beg and catch things in the mouth ... no, I'm sorry, I'm thinking of Monica. -David Letterman

Tonight on CBS the new show "First Monday" made its debut. "First Monday" debuted tonight, Tuesday – but will eventually be moved to Thursday.-David Letterman

Kmart might file for bankruptcy. They say they are having a hard time keeping up with competitors. Those would be garage sales.-Jay Leno

We had an earthquake last night. It was a four-pointer with 13 aftershocks. Lots of aftershocks. That was the first time in months that Kmart stuff was flying off the shelves.-Jay Leno

A new study says that Americans are eating four times more Mexican food than 20 years ago. Well, of course! There's now four times more Mexicans in the country!-Jay Leno

Amtrak says it will now offer online service on it trains. So now not only will the computer crash, but it'll roll down an embankment, too. -Jay Leno

TV producers of the show "Friends" are saying that George W. Bush's niece, fashion model Lauren Bush, is going to appear in one of the upcoming episodes. Producers of "ER" are now saying that Vice President Cheney could show up on their show any moment now. -Conan O'Brien

One-third of college students in a survey said that they think marijuana should be legalized. The other two-thirds were so paranoid they did not fill out the survey. -Conan O'Brien

Sports

Members from both teams playing in the Rose Bowl are here tonight, the Miami Hurricanes and the Nebraska Cornhuskers. For the players from Nebraska, I'll speak a little slower. For all of you from Miami, we'll have an interpreter out to say everything in Spanish. -Jay Leno

Of course, I'd like to wish the best of luck to both teams (in the Rose Bowl) and to all the players. Some of you will go on to play for the Lions. -Jay Leno

Brett Favre passed for five touchdowns yesterday – two to the Packers and three to the Rams! -Jay Leno

The Packers got beat over the weekend. Did you see Brett Favre, he got upset, so upset that he threw his helmet – and it was interecepted by the Rams.-Jay Leno

The New England Patriots beat the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday. And this time, the Patriots did it without help from the refs! -Jay Leno

The Super Bowl is Sunday! I think the Rams are a little overconfident. In fact, they are so confident that the only play they practiced today was throwing Gatorade on the coach. -Jay Leno