War On Terror

This week, Secretary of State Colin Powell admitted that there is no direct link between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda. So let that be a warning world leaders. If you have no direct link to al Qaeda, we will get you. -Tina Fey

Condoleezza Rice was on every network morning show today blaming this whole mess on 'flawed intelligence.' Afterward the president took her into his office and said, 'You weren't talking about me were you?'-Bill Maher

They believe this tape is authentic. In the tape Osama bin Laden is taking about the capture of Saddam Hussein. He makes fun of him. He says, "Hell, Martha Stewart put up more of a fight." -Jay Leno

Politics

Brewing Company has released a new beer called 'Govinator,' which is a tribute to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The beer is made from ingredients that are in no way qualified to be in a beer. -Jimmy Fallon

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made his first State of the State address out in California yesterday. Today they televised it and translated it in English. -David Letterman

President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.-Jon Stewart

Today President Bush announced a plan to grant 100,000 illegal aliens jobs here in the United States – I believe they call it the draft. -Craig Kilborn

The Democratic Candidates

Madonna announced that she is backing Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark. This should give Clark a much needed boost in the Puerto Rican back-up dancer vote. -Tina Fey

The race for the Democratic nomination is getting tight. In Iowa, it is a four-way dead heat — Dean, Kerry, Edwards and Gephardt. It is so close, Fox News doesn't know who to smear. -Bill Maher

Up in New Hampshire the pundits are talking about John Kerry's surge. Apparently, John Kerry is the man to beat now. They're saying this is the biggest come from behind story since Kobe Bryant. -Bill Maher

John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a shit. -Bill Maher

Joe Lieberman placed fifth in the New Hampshire primary, claimed it was a three-way tie for third. Lost by 30 points, but is staying in. I think he's taking up history here. He wants a chance to prove that losing in 2000 was no fluke. -Bill Maher

Earlier this week Howard Dean called President Bush "The most dangerous administration in his lifetime.” And today Saddam Hussein said, "Yeah mine too.” -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Michael Jackson announced this week that the Neverland Ranch is no longer home to him. He said he can’t go back there. Which of course is really bad news for the kids looked in the crawlspace. -Jay Leno

Did you hear about that? Britney Spears got married out in the Las Vegas strip. It went just like any marriage. It was great for the first ten minutes and then just fell apart.-David Letterman

You heard about Britney Spears getting married over the weekend? She got married in Las Vegas and then had the marriage annulled the next day. The marriage was so brief that they didn’t even have time to edit the sex video. -David Letterman

Britney Spears got married. She married a friend out in Las Vegas on Sunday and then had the marriage annulled on Monday. I feel bad for the guy because he never got to consummate the marriage. I mean the poor guy had to consummate the marriage himself. -David Letterman

Exploration of Mars

It seems that the Mars rover no longer wants to talk to us. So minutes ago President Bush announced that this proves that Mars is not cooperating with our inspection and the war is on.-Bill Maher

The space probe the Mars Rover has landed and is working. They think they may have discovered oil on Mars. Now it’s just a matter of time before Halliburton finds a way to get money outta this. -David Letterman

The Rover is on Mars. We shot it into space and it traveled 10,000 miles and then parachuted onto the planet. And it then literally bounced for a few days because of the gravity. Then when it landed it lifted itself up off its belly onto legs – it’s the same way they took Rush Limbaugh to rehab. -David Letterman

The Mars Rover mission found a black liquid on the planet. If it’s oil ... some little green guys are about to get their asses kicked! -Craig Kilborn

The Mars Rover has landed on the surface of Mars. President Bush has been watching the Rover every day. He says that the Rover will stay on Mars for a few months until they are capable of self-rule.-David Letterman

The Mars Rover is a remarkable tool. It’s digging around for soil samples – and today it found O.J.’s knife! -David Letterman

Next President Bush will announce plans to send astronauts to Mars – French astronauts.-Craig Kilborn

Popular Culture

I tell you what I’m really made about. That Y4K bug completely destroyed my computer. -Jay Leno

I read this in the paper – a bakery up in Portland, Oregon is now selling donuts filled with caffeine. Caffeine donuts? Who is this for? People who want to stay awake during their bypass operations? -Jay Leno

In Florida a female teacher seduced an 11-year-old boy in class. And she lied about it for a year. Who says a woman can’t be president? -Craig Kilborn

There’s a new reality show out: "Who Will Be the Next Donald Trump?" I’m putting my money on the greedy scumbag with the bad hairpiece. -Craig Kilborn

Sports

Congrats to the USC Trojans they won the Rose Bowl. For those players - it’s a fine line. You want to play well enough to win but not so well you get drafted by the San Diego Chargers. -Jay Leno

Good news on the employment front for 2004. There are high paying new jobs available - the Oakland Raiders coach, the Chicago Bears coach. The Washington Redskins coach. -Jay Leno

Pete Rose has a new book out. Are you going to buy the new book? In the book Rose answers many questions, like telling everyone that his natural hair color isn’t orange.-Jay Leno

Have you bought Pete Rose’s new book? In the book Pete Rose confesses to betting on baseball and other things. That’s not the worst thing, though. He also admitted to taping baseball games without the consent of Major League Baseball. -David Letterman

Pete Rose says that he used to date cocktail waitresses, he dated groupies, and dated strippers. Sounds like the Hall of Fame is the only thing he hasn’t gotten in. -David Letterman

In Pete Rose’s new book he admits to gambling on baseball, doing drugs and cheating on his wife. In a related story, he has been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. -Craig Kilborn