Tournament goers were stunned last night when the highly favored Aquaman went down beneath the savage blows of Tarzan and his companion apes.

Aquaman started off strong, hammering the jungle man and his minions with apparent ease, and it was not until the DC hero turned to chastise his see-otter soldiers that things turned ugly. The otters, sunning themselves on nearby rocks, became agitated by the harsh words and flung themselves angrily at their former master. As the mighty sea king struggled to regain order, he was struck on the back of the head by a dilapidated washing machine that the apes had salvaged from the debris-strewn arena, dropping him to his knees. Their confidence renewed, the battered Tarzan and apes made short work of the otherwise occupied otters and their stunned leader.

After the match fans swarmed the victorious Tarzan for autographs, startling the apes so badly that they had to be tranquilized and returned to their trailer. The apes refused our request for an interview, but their agent assured us that they will spend some time recuperating by practicing Tai Chi and eating each other's lice.

There is plenty of action ahead so keep your eye on Tournament of Doom News to stay in the know!

The range of combatants in this year's tournament is as diverse as ever. Among the many unique and powerful warriors is the matchless duo of Strongbad and The Cheat. Although we contacted The Cheat for an interview, we weren't able to understand enough of what he said to set up a time. So, this is what arena-mate Strongbad had to say during our phone interview:

TDN: How do you feel about being in the tournament this year?
SB: Pretty good. I mean, it's all cool and stuff.
TDN: Do you have a strategy for your first battle?
SB: My first WHAT?
TDN: Your first fight. Against the 5 raptors.
SB: Raptors!? I have to fight freaking raptors!?
TDN: Um…Yes.
SB: Well, in that case, I'll just sit back and let The Cheat do all the work. He's pretty good at that kind of stuff, especially after a bowl of Cheat Commandos O's brand cereal .
TDN: So you're not going to help him fight?
SB: I figure I'll spend most of my time waving to the ladies.
TDN: It's going to be a pretty tough fight, so don't you think you-
SB: Look, I gotta go. I've got to meet my "people" out by the stick.

Well folks, it sounds like The Cheat is the fighter to keep your eyes on. This reporter doesn't think you'll want to keep them on him once the raptors are finished with him however. Let's just hope that those Commandos O's do the trick. Until next time.

In an unusual turn of events, tournament combatants (both past and present) have expressed anger and disgust with the newly implemented Tournament of Doom Jr. Tournament executive and past champion Darth Vader noted that, "Destroying children can be a good way to relieve stress, but it is shameless to do so for entertainment and profit. I had to clean vomit out of my respirator after I heard the news. I mean, when the Pilsbury Doughboy went down it was funny, but come on, those Muppet Babies are really sweet."

Other combatants voiced similar concerns. "I hunt people for sport," explained the dismayed Predator, "and I can tell you that taking them out at such a young age makes for embarrassingly small trophies."

Not everyone is as upset about this as Vader and his peers, however. A flustered McGruff the Crime Dog spoke up by explaining, "Hey, these kids signed-up for the tournament just like everyone else. It's bloodlust, pure and simple, that put that crayon scribble on the contract."

These concerns have not fallen on deaf ears, however. Tournament officials have assured us that, because of the tender age of the warriors in question, a knockout will also be accepted as a victory, rather than the fatality required in standard bouts. Special referees will be present at TofD Jr. matches to watch for tell-tale "birds and stars" floating over contestants' heads. At that point, the match may be called.

That's all from Tournament of Doom News, where if there's hurt, we've got the dirt.

What can an apple, some grapes and a pile of leaves do when they work together? TDN has the answer. Not only can the fine gentlefruit who make up the Fruit of the Loom Guys keep your nether-region from chafing, they can also whoop a little butt when it comes down to the line.

Only days after having their application for the tournament approved, the Fruit of the Loom Guys (or The Fantastic Flora as they like to be called) were in the gym getting in shape and honing the combat skills that proved to be so effective for them during the Iowa State VIESHA riots earlier this spring. Their unique blend of ancient fighting arts and extremely intense wedgies make them a force to be reckoned with.

The leader and unofficial spokesfuit for the group, Cory Applebee, had this to say when we asked him how he thought he'd fare in this years tournament: "I am confident that we will be raisin' hell and beating our opponents to a pulp. Our strength stems from a solid core of discipline and training that is very down to earth, peeling away weakness while juicing up our individual strengths."

Well there you have it. These fellows certainly pack a deadly fruit punch, but only time will tell whether they'll be hailed as champions or hoed as compost.

Keep your eye on TDN, the most fertile source for Tournament information in the known universe.

A WORD ABOUT BASIC ARENA DECORUM
June 23, 2004

Only hours have passed since the amazing string of first round battles came to a final bloody close, and yet contestants and fans alike are already discussing favorites for the next set of matches. There is nothing like the Tournament of Doom to inspire passionate excitement.

Despite that special charge that the air seems to take on around Tournament time, spectators in the arena seating areas should remember to treat each other and their surroundings with respect. Here are some basic do's and don't's for good arena conduct during this year's exciting matches:
·Do enjoy the many fine concessions that our vendors supply.
·Don't stuff your empty wrappers under the seats. Doing so may result in the arena being closed for several days.
·Do cheer riotously for your favorite fighters.
·Don't throw garbage at the force field. Nothing you can project will penetrate it, and the resulting splatter is annoying to other fans.
·Do wear Tournament sanctioned merchandise.
·Don't distract combatants by flashing your naughty bits at them during a battle.
·Do tell your friends what a great time you're having.
·Don't speak ill of the Tournament, its governing bodies or sponsors. Doing so may result in your being removed from the arena and never being seen again.

And that's the news from TDN where we are totally impartial and our views are in no way influenced by the Tournament, it's governing bodies or sponsors. But we'd like to be, because they are really great.

Thousands of munchkins and flying monkeys filled the stands last night to view the highly anticipated match between the Wicked Witch of the West and the mighty Decepticon leader Megatron. When the results were in, the ensuing riot left the arena seating area littered with empty liquor bottles and splattered with primate feces.

Although Vegas called even odds for this match, it was a quick and vicious slaughter. The battle began with uproarious laughter on the part of the Witch, quickly put to and end with a deafening blast from Megatron's massive arm cannon. The crisped pile of witch-ash left behind did little more than sizzle in retaliation. It was at that point that munchkins in the stands, drunk on victory and cheap bourbon, began to sing and dance. Enraged by the display, over seven thousand flying monkeys attacked out of loyalty to their fallen master.

When the smoke cleared, there were 357 casualties, including several Jawas who had been waiting to see family members involved in the later match against Heihachi Mishima. Dorothy Gale, present during the chaos, refused to comment, but the subtle smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth spoke volumes.

That's all for todays TDN, but there are plenty of fight recaps to come. So keep reading Tournament of Doom News where if monkeys throw poop, we've got the scoop.

Fans of the Tekken series of fighting video games know Heihachi Mishima like Skippy knows peanut butter, but many tournament goers consider him to be a virtual unknown. Just who is this mysterious and reserved crime lord who can take out a band of band of Jawas as if they were wet piñatas? TDN sent ace reporter Amanda Armstrong to find out.

Unfortunately, shortly after Ms. Armstrong attempted to interview the Iron Fist fighter, she was sent hurtling through a plate glass window. Although she probably should not have opened the interview with, "What is the deal with your hair?" there is no excuse for the abuse and mistreatment of legitimate members of the press. Thankfully, via special permission, we were able to access for Amanda the same technology used to rapidly heal winning combatants between matches who are grievously injured during their battles. She was back on her feet within a few hours.

Although TDN is a totally impartial third party with regards to the Tournament of Doom, we want to see this steaming bag of puke go down. With that thought in mind, we have arranged for a special exhibition match between Amanda and Mr. Mishima. Mishima will be armed with a rickety antique tennis racket, while Ms. Armstrong, armed with a light saber, will be assisted by five enraged Kodiak bears hurling hives of trained Heihachi-hating poison bees. Although the results of this fight will not affect Mishima's standing in the brackets, it should be a good match.

Keep your eye on TDN where we love our employees way more than Wal-Mart does.

As soon as the okay was given, both combatants marched towards the center of the room. A scathing look from Armstrong warned the bears not to interfere and, unbelievably, she threw her light saber aside without a second glance. Mishima laughed at the display of bravado, but his mirth quickly turned to rage as Amanda pulverized his tennis racket with a quick yet powerful back-fist.

The grizzled old fighter rapidly launched into a flurry of savage punches and kicks aimed at the supple young reporter, but was unable to land a single blow. Amanda, evidently toying with the crime lord, dodged in and out while poking and slapping at her opponent seemingly at random. An enraged Heihachi eventually prepared to unleash his devastating energy blast towards the remarkably spry reporter, but in the brief pause required to charge up the attack, Ms. Armstrong struck with a massive spinning dragon uppercut that sent her opponent sailing into a cooler full of juice boxes and out of consciousness.

While Amanda was being carried away on the shoulders of her Kodiak companions, she was quoted as saying, "I didn't complete all those years of figure skating without learning how to whoop some serious [censored]."

Could this loss have affected Heihachi's confidence his upcoming match with the Avengers' Hawkeye? Keep your eye on TDN, a totally impartial news source for more.

When a "stars and birdies" KO was announced as a legitimate victory in the 12 and under bracket this year, most tournament goers were pleased. Even the most bloodthirsty of combatants and fans agreed that it was the right thing to do (with the exception of those sick puppies McGruff the Crime Dog and council member Zick ). An unfortunate side affect of leaving Tournament entrants alive after a losing battle, however, is that it exposes the Tournament and its governing bodies to potential litigation. This morning at an impromptu press conference, Bam Bam drove that point home.

Bam Bam himself did little more than wield his club at reporters and scream "BAM BAM!" while his partner Pebbles cooed and gurgled. Representation for the disgruntled cave-baby (attorney Lindsay Neal) had this to say, "Those Simpson's kids cheated to attain their victory pure and simple. There is no other feasible explanation. Even a brain damaged chimp could have predicted the outcome of this match up, and only foul play could have lead to the current result."

When TDN asked the Simpsons themselves about the situation, Bart declared that Bam Bam and his lawyer should "get bent" while Maggie simply jabbed viciously at the camera with her pacifier to signify her displeasure with the controversy. The Simpsons' father, Homer, noted, "I wouldn't put it [cheating] past the boy, but Lisa is usually something something *quiet muttering*." When we asked him if he thought his youngest daughter Maggie could have been involved in any shady activity, Homer did not appear to understand who we were referring to.

Stay tuned to TDN for the latest where if it involves the law, we've got it all.

One of the many notable but less well-known fighters in this year's Tournament is the fierce yet strangely beautiful Alien. Tournament of Doom News decided to take a closer look at this fantastic creature so that fans could have a better understanding of this mysterious fighter from beyond the stars.

Although the origins of the Alien race are unclear, they were introduced to humanity when a group of "space truckers" stumbled upon a downed alien craft transporting a shipment of strange looking pods. These pods each contained a face hugger whose sole biological task is to implant an embryo into a host body. Once the embryo matures, it bursts violently from the host's body and quickly achieves adulthood after molting a series of times. Madcap antics generally ensue shortly afterward.

The Alien's strengths include high speed, agility and aggression coupled with a heavily armored exoskeleton. Strong enough to rend a person in two like a fortune cookie, the Alien is also filled with a blood so acidic that it can eat through the bulkhead of a space cruiser within seconds. Although preferring to attack in packs, even a single Alien is powerful and cunning enough to be a worthy adversary.

How far a single Alien can advance in a Tournament of this year's caliber has yet to be seen, but rest assured, people scatter when this bad boy enters the locker room. So fight on you plucky carnage-bringer from far away, we'll be watching.

Those wild and insanely hyper Animaniacs were considered by many as shoe-ins to win this year's Tournament. They seemed almost untouchable. With their rubber physiques and bag of outrageous tricks, they took out the heavily armed Punisher in a bout of comic mayhem filled with pratfalls and cream pies that lasted only seconds. So how could they be gone so soon?

Their final match opened with the impressive Predator alien throwing a bladed disk which, true to the creature's marksman-like aim, sailed in a deadly arc at the cartoon trio. What the hunter did not expect, however, was that all three siblings tucked their heads dramatically into their torsos, barely avoiding decapitation. Undaunted, the Predator proceeded to activate his invisibility camouflage while spending a full ten minutes trying to flank the Animaniacs and shoot at them with his laser-guided shoulder cannon.

Yakko, Wakko and Dot appeared to be toying with the deadly warrior the entire time, jumping in and out of mysterious "holes in space" and lobbing farm animals carelessly. That is, until their fatal mistake. When a stray sheep made contact with the Predator, his camouflage temporarily malfunctioned. During that brief moment of visibility, Yakko leapt onto the alien's shoulder and stole his armored wristband while screaming, "I've got his watch! I've got his watch!" The siblings immediately stared fighting over the item, unaware that the wristband was actually the Predator's self-destruct device. The amused hunter watched and waited from a distance until a deafening explosion rocked the stands reduced the Animaniacs to dust. Unfortunately for them, their fantastic physiques were not immune to the high-powered alien technology, tragically leaving the Predator with no trophy with which to prove his victory.

Thanks all for today, but keep your eyes on TDN. Where we've the spiel on the totally unreal.

TOURNAMENT ANTHEM REVEALED
July 14, 2004

The secret Tournament of Doom Anthem has been circulating all over the internet for a while now, but since TDN has finally been able to get its hands on a copy, we've provided it for you here.

Tournament of Doom Anthem
Sung to the tune of "The Middle"

Hey, don't count those votes up yet
Don't worry if you feel
Trashed talked
Or crapped upon.

Just fight your best
Kill everything you can
Ignore the screams
You hear called out
From angry fans

It just takes five votes
Little fighter in the middle
Of the fray
Everything will be okay
Everything will be okay

Hey, don't wipe the blood off yet
Remember that the
Raptor's tough
To put away.

Keep your spirits up
And talk to TDN
It's only popularity
That gets you saved

It just takes five votes
Little fighter in the middle
Of the fray
You know the council's on your side today
If not you're better off to pray

It just takes five votes
Little fighter in the middle
Of the fray
Everything will be okay
Everything will be okay

Although TDN is dedicated to reporting only serious and unbiased stories related to the Tournament, it is a tradition during the final week to include a list of mishaps and blunders that have occurred during this illustrious event. These are the headlines you didn't get to see:

14. Fluffy and McGruff caught sniffing each other's behinds in locker room
13. Muppet Babies mix it up with stormtroopers in Cho Sun's Chinese Restaurant brawl and win
12. Riot erupts in cafeteria when Yosemite Sam announces that there is no more mint soft-serve ice-cream left
11. Alien chest-burster puts an untimely end to Punky Brewster during initial match with Pebbles and Bam Bam
10. Council member Zick is compared to a brain-damaged chimp by press
09. Count Chocula is dipped in milk and feasted upon by Family Circus kids
08. Trogdor "burninates" peasants in the arena audience
07. Big Bad Wolf caught huffing and "puffing" by group of diligent Upward Bound students and is nearly disqualified
06. Predator trashes its hotel room in a desperate search for an elusive cockroach
05. Cobra Commander chokes on throat lozenge during opening ceremony
04. Five raptors become trapped in five separate pay toilets
03. Fruit of the Loom Guys pun-ished for repeated use of poor play on words
02. Iron Man delays fight due to chafing caused by iron-undies
01. Darth Vader mistakes John Shaft for Mace Windu and cuts him down in the parking lot outside of the Duckburg Bowl-o-Ramma.

Amidst the broken bones and spilled entrails, the agony and the horror, the laughter and the pratfalls, a beautiful thing called the Tournament of Doom 3: The Explodening has matured and blossomed. With a single crystalline tear coursing down his cheek, this reporter announces the bittersweet coming of the final battle. Here is what you, beloved fan, need to know about the last two warriors before their awesome and climactic confrontation:

IRON MAN: Iron Man's armor allows him to lift about 70 tons under normal operating conditions. The suit incorporates various offensive weapons, including repulsor blasters and a uni-beam and grants its wearer a degree of invulnerability and the power of flight.

STORM: Storm is a mutant with the ability to manipulate weather. She can simulate any form of precipitation, generate winds in varying degrees of intensity, raise or lower humidity and temperature in her immediate vicinity, induce lightening and other electrical atmospheric phenomena and disperse natural storms as to create clear change.

This information was acquired directly from the Marvel website, home to the most accurate information on these two fighters in the known universe. The ability charts for these warriors show a huge discrepancy, with one fighter having a vast advantage over the other. It's not enough to guarantee a win, however (nothing really is), so root for your favorite and LONG LIVE THE TOURNAMENT OF DOOM!

CORUSCANT-Tournament of Doom chairman Mace Windu has announced the opening of Tournament of Doom Special Edition: Mascot Madness, a special off-season competition featuring 16 of sports most revered representatives in a traditional single-elimination Tournament of Doom-styled fight to the death.

"Last week, the San Diego Chicken said any mascot who entered the Tournament of Doom would win it," Mr. Windu said in explaining the rationale for the special round. "As the chairman who is responsible for setting up next year's tournament, I can't include every worthy mascot, but I want to make sure the best mascot is represented in the competition. That's why I'm giving these mascots-including the San Diego Chicken-the opportunity to show their stuff against one another."

Mr. Windu announced the winner of the 16-mascot field would be entered in next year's Tournament. "Given the Chicken's comments, I think the winner of this Tournament would have to be considered a favorite in Tournament of Doom III."

Mr. Windu added that a special mascot bracket also eliminates the criticisms of the Tournament leveled by Mr. Chicken. "The winner of Mascot Madness will have half a year to train for Tournament of Doom III. They should be in peak physical form to take on such fierce competitors as the Green Goblin, Rambo, and Mark Kresser."
Unfortunately, the San Diego Chicken will not be competing in the Special Edition. When reporters approached Mr. Chicken in the middle of his daily jog with the news of Mr. Windu's announcement, Mr. Chicken quickly grabbed his leg and limped away to his car. "Oh, I'm hurt. I think I made an owwie," Mr. Chicken said before peeling away in his Volkswagen Bug. Reporters have been unable to locate him since that time.

Mr. Windu acted quickly to fill Mr. Chicken's place in the bracket. "I felt it was important to replace poultry with poultry, so the Chicken has been replaced with the fine representative of South Carolina University, Cocky the Game Cock….What's everybody laughing at? What's so funny? That's his name, Cocky! He's a Game Cock! I'm serious! He's up for CapitalOne's Mascot of the Year Award!"

SAN DIEGO, CA-The San Diego Chicken today vigorously defended his assertion that Darth Vader had misled him into participating in the Tournament of Doom.

"Contrary to what Vader has said about my character, I am not a chicken," Mr. Chicken said. "Well I am a chicken, but not that kind of a chicken, not a yellow-belied chicken because after all under my shirt I have red plumage on my belly, not yellow feathers, although I have yellow feathers around my neck-anyway, the point is I am not a chicken in the metaphorical sense although I am one technically."

Asked to respond to Mr. Chicken's statement, Mr. Vader replied, "Naw, he's still a chicken."

Upon hearing word that Vader once again called him a chicken, Mr. Chicken exploded in anger. "I AM NOT A CHICKEN! I am a fierce warrior, defender of the San Diego Padres, and the most beloved of all mascots in the land, one of those great beacons of spirit and triumph who reign proudly over sporting venues from Fenway Park to the Rose Bowl. I AM CHICKEN, HEAR ME CLUCK!"

Watching the Chicken's speech live from the Death Star, Vader turned to reporters and said, "Yep, he's still a chicken."

Vader's comments sent Mr. Chicken into a raging flurry of unintelligible cawing. Finally regaining his calm, Mr. Chicken smoothed over his feather, looked into the camera, and directed his comments to Vader. "Listen here my fellow piece of poultry, you pathetic wheezing turkey: I'm a mascot. A mascot. Mascots, unlike Sith Lords, don't back down from fights. We only win them."
Mr. Chicken continued, "You pit [any mascot] in a one-on-one fight against any opponent you drag into the ring-whether it's a gang of four-inch tall blue elves or a starving dinosaur in need of a pedicure-and we're going to take them down. All we need is fair warning to prep ourselves for the fight, which is something [Vader] was scared to give me because he knew I'd win and overshadow his stature in the Tournament. If he was a real cyborg, he'd give me a redo, but let's face it, Vader's scared of mascots, especially a mascot like myself."

Mr. Chicken dismissed the comments of Eric Cartman, Grimace, and other underdogs who said they were not misled into the Tournament of Doom.

What could possibly be up Mace Windu's sleeve?
What secret plan is in the works?
Be back here Wednesday, October 29 for a major Tournament of Doom development!!!

June 17
Guest Host Gives First Word On ToD2

Guest Host Buffy Summers

Darth Vader has invited several of last years fiercest competitors to join him as guest-hosts of this year's Tournament of Doom. One of these special guests is Buffy Summers, vampire slayer and college student. We caught up with Buffy on her way to the cemetery and asked her how she felt about this year's competitors:

"It looks like a good group but nothing I couldn't handle if I was in the arena again. I mean, I know I got wiped out early last year because of a twisted ankle, but I'd pretty much clean up without breaking a sweat in any bracket this summer.

We weren't aware that Buffy was injured last year when she entered the arena. A brief investigation turned up a clean bill of health for the vampire slayer turned gladiator which prompted us to ask her if she wasn't using an imaginary injury to save face. Unfortunately we couldn't save the face of the reporter who asked her that.

It's going to be a good tournament this year folks and you can always count on Tournament of Doom News (TDN) to bring you the latest buzz about what's hot in the grass square and what's being carted away.

June 18
CEO of High Council Under Investigation

Computer simulation of the reclusive Stonerook

Tournament of Doom promoter and head council member Jason Stonerook has been charged with soliciting and accepting bribes from this year's competitors. The CEO was aledgedly photographed accepting a bulky manila envelope from four poorly drawn children in winter coats who obviously have no business competing in the tournament. Much of the evidence in this case depends on whether or not these mysterious kids find there way into the brackets.

Donkey Kong, a previous competitor and long time favorite of Stonerook, will be the council member's defense in this case and stated, "These charges are completely false," he paused at this point to jump up and down and smash his fists against the floor, "and I am confident that my client's good name will be restored within a matter of days if not hours."

This scandal may well rival the famous bust of the gambling ring found to be operating last year under the guise of an AS2G group. Either way, you can count on TDN to keep you in the know.

The East Region of this year's tournament is filled with some fierce competition, but few combatants are as genteel and sophisticated as the Muppets own Swedish Chef. TDN was able to snag a few minutes with the Chef as he was preparing some cutlery for his first match against a Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi.

TDN: What appeals to your most about
mortal combat?
Chef: Dehurshta floogen-boogen.
TDN: Ha ha! Of course. And how do you
feel about the quality of the
combatants in this year's tournament?
Chef: Hemmen hatsa shleben.
TDN: It's nice to hear that you have
such respect for your opponents.
What do you think your chances are for coming out of this competition as the ultimate champion?
Chef: Blah hicken-shricken de perly
whoopa. Snogloppin shedditta floog.

I don't think this reporter could have said it any better. Our hats go off to you Swedish Chef. Fans of gleaming cleavers and bizarre unintelligible languages will be watching this first-round match closely (as, no doubt, will the vultures).

More tomorrow from TDN where win or lose it's news!

The Swedish Chef engaged in an exhibition match

June 20

What the Heck is a Cassowary?

The cassowary is a large, flightless bird from Australia and New Guinea. It is the second-biggest bird in the world (only the ostrich is bigger). The cassowary's life span is about 40-50 years. For those of you who may be wondering how this majestic bird will do in the tournament, here is a list of potential strengths and weaknesses that a cassowary might display in an enraged state during a battle to the death:

Strengths:
A full grown cassowary is larger than most adult humans and kicks like Jet Li
Their three-toed feet have sharp claws; the dagger-like middle claw is 5 inches long.
Cassowaries can run up to 32 mph and jump up to 5 feet
They can breath fire at will - unconfirmed
It's a big angry bird

Weaknesses:
It's a big angry bird

That's the scoop from the TDN science and medical division. We hope that you are as excited about the Cassowary/Gimli fight as we are and will join us at the celebratory barbeque that follows.

June 23
Contestant Thought to Have Massive Weight Problem

Rumors have been spreading about the loveable but innocent android Lieutenant Commander Data of the federation ship USS Enterprise. Anonymous sources have indicated to TDN that the robot may be extremely heavy and have a freakish advantage in the arena. Some reports suggest that Data weighs in at as much as four tons!

Although the android was preparing for his first match with Beast (from Beauty and the Beast) and was not available to comment, his friend and trainer Brent Spiner said a few words in Data's defense. "I'd just like everyone to know that Data is very happy with his body. No matter what his weight, he knows he was just made that way and has no plans to make any significant changes to his physical structure. Data knows that it's what's inside that counts and he's very pleased with the new Pentium processor that's inside him right now."

TDN could not find any significant evidence to either prove or disprove the rumor of Data's tremendous weight. What we can tell you, however, is that he has had no problem using standard Tournament provided furniture and, aside from unpredictable bouts of explosive gas, he has been a perfect gentleman as a contestant.

The Universe is abuzz with excitement as the results of the initial 32 bouts of the 2003 Tournament of Doom are soon to be tallied. Members of the High Counsel will oversee the process personally so that the results will be as quick and accurate as possible. As this milestone is passing, TDN checked in on Tournament host Darth Vader to ask him how he feels ToD2 is going.

TDN: How do you feel about things now that the tournament is in full swing?
Vader: I'm really beginning to feel the pressure of hosting such a large event. Sometimes I get so stressed that I start breathing funny.
TDN: Have you been pleased with the performances of the combatants so far?
Vader: More or less. There really isn't much time to watch the fights between calling the caterers, dealing with various contestant complaints, and generally running the Galactic Empire. The Deathstar doesn't manage itself you know.
TDN: How do you feel about the whole Stonerook scandal?
Vader: I'm very pleased that Jason has taken the time to pervert the otherwise fair and upright process of qualifying for the tournament. I just don't have the energy to make a mockery of justice and order and it's great to know that I can count on Mr. Stonerook to pick up the slack.
TDN: It sounds like you're very busy. What do you do to relieve stress?
Vader: I do Tae Bo every morning and sometimes crochet with the raptor if I have time.
TDN: Is there anything else you'd like to say to our readers?
Vader: Have a good time, buy lots of merchandise, and behave yourself in the stands or I'll crush your skulls like grapes. Remember, it's you that makes the tournament so special.

It's obvious that the pressure of the job is taking its toll, but there is no doubt that Lord Vader is up to the task. As the matches continue and the results unfold, the excitement will mount, so until next time, keep cheering for your favorite fighter and turn to TDN for the last tournament dirt. Remember, if it's about the fights, TDN's got it right.

When the High Council met to discuss the results of the preliminary matches, the press was inexplicably excluded. Not even members of TDN, the premier source for tournament news and updates, were allowed to enter the sacred Hedrezz meeting chamber once discussion was underway. In fact, one of our novice reporters was blasted by two storm troopers as she attempted to sneak into the restricted gathering hidden beneath a desert cart. We hope to have Dolly back with us soon.

Although TDN was unable to provide coverage of this event, interviews and breaking news will otherwise continue on a regular basis. Tigger, just before his match against the Care Bears, was quoted as saying, "I'm going to live forever or die trying!" That pretty much sums up our attitude with regards to tournament news as well. Until next time, if there's blood and gore, TDN gives you more.

NEWS FLASH!
Tournament results released today! Fans are
Excited and TDN will have interviews with the winners all this week!

June 26
BUMBLEBEE SHARES HIS THOUGHTS

Although a lesser known fighter, the soft-spoken Transformer Bumblebee has proven that he is a force to be reckoned with during his first match up. The classic VW Bug/Robot was a little embarrassed by all of the attention he has suddenly found himself with, but he was willing to spare a few minutes for TDN during his victory celebration.

TDN: So, how does it feel to have made it to the second round?
BB: To be honest, I'm a little surprised by all the fuss. After all, it was only the preliminary match and it was against a pretty weak opponent.
TDN: So you're saying that your victory in the arena was as effortless as it looked?
BB: I don't want to sound arrogant, but let's be real. Angry baboons? What did the fight coordinators thinks was going to happen?
TDN: You were pretty vicious out there, did you feel insulted by the match-up?
BB: Not at all. I was surprised by it, but I had originally intended to go easy on the primates. Once they starting flinging poo all over my new paintjob, however, I got angry. They didn't like me when I was angry.
TDN: What do you think about your next fight with Tony the Tiger?
BB: (eyes rolling) I think I'm going to have a talk with my agent.

And there you have it, straight from the horses, um… vocal synthesizer. Another exciting interview tomorrow from TDN, where if they've been hit by poop, we've got the scoop.

June 27
TOURNAMENT OF DOOM NEWS
FIXED FIGHT?

TDN has received word from an undisclosed source that one of the major match-ups in the Wuss bracket may have been fixed. In a gory victory that took mere seconds to attain, Toucan Sam annihilated crowd-favorite Rainbow Bright. Although rainbow colored in the beginning, the result of this match was definitely blood red. So why the controversy?

Members of the newly formed Rainbow-Bright Coalition (RBC) have made statements to the affect that the fight was fixed and that Bright did not stand a reasonable chance against the Kellogg's mascot. Photos were sent to TDN depicting what appears to be a small blue creature donning feathered wings and one of Sam's trademark follow-your-noses. The RBC claims that it was this imposter that got into the arena and not the mascot himself.

Who could this fraud be? It is believed that it was likely Disney's own Stitch, of Lilo and Stitch fame. If this is true, Bright would have stood no chance against the nearly invincible alien. Neither Lord Vader nor the High Council appears very concerned with the matter, however it is suspected that one of the council members may have actually founded the RBC.

Whether this is a breakthrough or a hoax remains to be seen, but rest assured that TDN will stay on top of it.

July 01
LION-O BREAKS UP THE COMPETITION

Prince. Skilled pastry chef. Tournament combatant. This young but commanding fighter has had his share of good fortune so far in the grass square. When TDN asked Prince Lion-O how he felt about his first battle in the arena, this is what he had to say:

"Oh man that was cool! First I was a little afraid because this Buzz guy had wings and he was flying all over. I was like, 'no way' but then I punched him and his arm flew off so I knew I had a chance. The scariest part was when he shot this little red light in my eye and I was all, 'I'm freaking blind!' but I then I just shook it off and started swinging like crazy. I don't think I actually hit him with my sword, but at some point I heard this loud crunch, sort of like the time I sat on Wilykit's Lego fort, and when I looked down at my feet Buzz was way broken. It was a total rush."

We look forward to seeing more from this up and coming fighter. Whether he will bring glory and honor to he people is yet to be seen, but his first fight certainly confirms that grossly mismatched fights and dumb luck can be, a total rush. Keep your eye on Tournament of Doom News where we've got the backside of every story.

July 02
TOURNAMENT TAKES A BREAK

Vader has called a for a pause in the tournament matches to celebrate an obscure little holiday on a relatively unremarkable planet in a Galaxy that, to him at least, is far far away. What is this about? TDN decided to ask.

TDN: So what's the deal?
Vader:Well, although I'm relatively well known in this area as a Sith Lord and high-ranking official in the Galactic Empire, my universal career really didn't amount to much until I made some contacts with a Mr. G. Lucas of the United States of America.
TDN: And this holiday is important to him?
Vader:Him specifically I don't know, but in the States, the Fourth of July is a big deal. In honor of what Lucas and that little country have done for my image, I'm calling for all fighting to stop for four days so that we may celebrate appropriately.
TDN: Sounds fair. So what do you have in mind?
Vader:There will be revelry like you wouldn't believe. The debauchery and lasciviousness committees have been busy planning some great activities. For example, there will be an Ewok roast, orphan toss, and Pictionary tournament. Also, since it is traditional for Lucas' people to explode dazzling chemicals in the air, which of course won't work out here in space, we will probably fire up the old Death Star and take out a few of the more colorful planets to wow the crowd.

It sounds like a good time. We hope all of your loyal readers can be a part of it, but if not, have a great break anyway and we'll be back with more news just as soon as the action picks up again.

TDN: How does it feel to come out on top after being considered the underdog?
Conan: Dog? Who do you call dog, nave? I have brained men for less.
TDN: Umm…heh. So how did this fight compare to your last?
Conan: I remember no previous battle. When I arrived in the arena there was no opponent so I spent a few moments dispatching three ducklings to feast on upon my return to camp. Shortly thereafter, the magical barrier around the field vanished and so I went about my business. I was not pleased by this waste of my time.
TDN: I see. So how was it fighting Doctor Octopus?
Conan: The wizard with the steel arms? I have never seen one like him by Crom! I was certain he would blast me with some mystical bolt before I could reach him, but fortune smiled upon me that day. It took less effort than I thought to reach his tender underbelly and send his bloody gizzard spinning through the air.
TDN: Ugh. I think I'm going to be sick.
Conan: You're civilized ways have made you weak, scribe. Now away with you. I go prowling for the fairer sex this night. I hear tell of a wench named Xena. I am told she is a worthy prize.

What a class act. It seems that the mighty Conan knows no fear and that may take him very far in the tournament. What will it take to stop perhaps the fiercest and most cunning human ever to whirl a broadsword? Keep your eye on TDN to find out.

THIS JUST IN: Just minutes ago, Conan was injured in a local tavern by some sort of flying metal disk. Tournament doctors have assured us that the drunken barbarian will recover fully before his next match.

For those of you who want the scoop on the Sweet Sixteen, here are the predictions of TDN's own Nick Kahplowski, professional bookie and author of three vegetarian cookbooks.

Okay folks, I know what's what in the tournament so listen up and listen good. Here's how it is:

Obi-Wan vs. Hyenas: This is a no-brainer. I've seen hyenas beat dogs at poker (and there are countless paintings dedicated to the card-prowess of canines), which is a feat no Jedi has ever accomplished. I say the Hyenas take Obi between laughing fits at 3 to 1 odds.
Hagrid vs. Bullseye: Hagrid and I play racquetball, so I figure I gotta go with him. 10 to 1.
Xiou-Long vs. BumbleBee: Considering what Xiou-Long did to my buddy's arm after he accidentally made inappropriate contact with her fanny, I'm gonna pick her for the win.
Mace Windu vs. Gimli: Mace looks a lot like Samual L. Jackson, who played Shaft in the movies, and Shaft is way too smooth to go down in the arena. I say Mace 2 to 1.
Uruk-Hai vs. Nightcrawler: Ooo-roo-kah-ee? What the heck is that?
Sabretooth vs. Skeletor: Wasn't Sabretooth the guy that took out Grimace last year? Man, I didn't think anybody could take that big purple goop down. I say Sabretooth at 4 to 1 odds.
Spider-Man vs. Xena: Spiderman's got the edge, but if I was him I'd be totally distracted by the warrior princess's feminine wiles. Even odds if you ask me.
Samus vs. Conan: It is my firm belief, under no coercion from the editor of TDN, that Conan will be successful in his next tournament combat endeavor.

So there you have it: scientific and impartial predictions by a professional gambler. Who could be more reliable? So keep your eye on TDN where we bring you the latest on who's fought the greatest.

For the fans, the T of D is little more than wholesale slaughter broken down into easy to check-off brackets. But to the folks behind the scenes, it's a job that begins over a year in advance and requires unending hours of dedication and planning. For those of you who may have wondered just how this tremendous event comes together, TDN has compiled a list of a few of the major tasks to give you an idea of what kind of effort is involved.

First off, the high council discusses candidates who did not make it into the current year's brackets who might be viable for the coming year. For example, there has already been talk about how a knife-wielding orangutan might fare.

At some point, a final list is compiled and double-checked by tournament officials who judge the over all balance a bracket would have if the list were used. Sometimes errors in judgment are made, such as this year's Huey, Dewy, and Louie fiasco.

Invitations are eventually sent out to selected candidates and interviews are conducted. Those candidates who are judged worthy (and accept their placement) are issued official registration forms, while the others are laughed at and given derogatory nicknames like Loser-boy, Trumpet-head, and T-Boz.

Once the brackets have been filled, a tournament host is selected, fight locations are chosen, and accommodations are arranged for the many contestants, their families, and the throngs of unruly and destructive fans. Arenas must be built, copyright laws must be carefully skirted, and of course T-shirts must be printed.

The notion that the tournament is pulled off by some obsessive recluse in a Cub's jersey is a ludicrous rumor. Obviously the thousands of people required to pull off an event on such a grand scale could each add to this very limited list, but hopefully you've got a better idea of what goes on before the blood and teeth fly. So keep your eye on TDN for all the latest in contestant interviews and tournament dirt.

July 10
Spider-Man Tangled in Own Web of Lies

Your friendly neighborhood wall-crawler might not be the boy scout he has been made out to be both by fans and the media. Last night he was caught in a compromising situation with fellow tournament combatant and cyborg Samus. The relatively quiet woman in power armor, who gained fame when her exploits against the evil Mother Brain spawned an entire series of Nintendo games, was fairly speechless when camera flashes lit up her tournament-provided hotel room. During that time, Spidey came storming out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel and his trademark mask shouting curses at the paparazzi.

So what is the problem with two consenting adults having a little nocturnal soirée? It is stated very clearly in the tournament contract that contestants are to have no extra-combat interaction with other contestants that they could possibly face in the arena. Although Spider-man and Samus may have otherwise been excused for their little indiscretion, the web-head later denied the event ever occurred and that Samus simply has a hero-fetish that she was acting out with, of all people, a TDN correspondent. As a journalist I have to say that I am just appalled that Spidey would suggest such a thing and I'm a little weirded-out that he dug through the dumpster outside my window and fished out an old Batman cowel and bottle of armor polish.

Until next time, this is….um, never mind who I am, just keep reading TDN for the latest and greatest in the tournament.

If you read yesterday's Tournament of Doom News, you already know about the Spider-Man/Samus scandal. Our own ace reporter, Steve Smith, was close by when the story broke. Little did we know just how close.

Smith, best known for his gardening articles, was famous in journalistic circles for parading about press conferences in his Superman Underoos or showing up to interviews wearing green body-paint shouting, "Steve SMASH!". It all seemed quite harmless until the day he met a woman who found his behavior a little too exciting. In the midst of his attempts to impress this female ToD combatant, Smith lost sight of his journalistic ethics and did the unthinkable. At some point his passion got the best of him and, when caught by fellow reporters, he claimed to be the real Spider-Man before fleeing the scene in a red mask and monogrammed bath-towel. What is worse is that he then reported the incident falsely, in this very publication, in order to cover his tracks.

"I'm totally disgusted," claimed one angry baboon participant, "I mean, sure I fling my own poo at times, but I least I have some dignity." A baffled Conan of Cimmeria asked, "By what foul magic was this scribe enchanted?" That's pretty much how the rest of us feel here at TDN, but if there is one thing we are it's faithful to our employees. Although Mr. Smith will no longer be allowed to cover tournament events, he will be writing up horoscopes and pet obituaries along with former combatant San Diego Chicken (who, coincidentally, also likes dressing up in costumes).

We would like to apologize to all of our readers for this terrible breach of your trust, and hope that you will continue to read TDN, or, at the very least, patronize our sponsors.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am somewhat amused to announce that Odie has proven to be an adversary as worthy of my respect as the old chewing gum stuck to my boot. As such, he has earned the following prizes:
- An autographed photo with the tournament host
- An official Tournament of Doom 2 staff jersey
- A lifetime supply of ace bandages
- And a place on a modest plaque in the ladies room on level 2457B of the Death Star

What an amazing honor! In addition to these prizes, Odie will also partake of a special bonus battle to determine whether or not he is worthy to compete as a regular participant in Tournament of Doom 3 next summer. Who is the lucky combatant to meet Odie in the grass square? It's none other than 20th Century Fox's own Predator Hunter, straight from an expedition in the Amazon rainforest. This terrible and ferocious alien is geared up to prove himself and is ready to show no mercy. A great surprise for us all and what is sure to be a epic battle. Until then, keep your eye on TDN for the best and bloodiest.

14. Blue chips a tooth after biting Barbie's bony behind
13. Raptor receives serious electrical burns after snapping fiercely at a running vacuum cleaner that disturbed his Tai Chi session
12. Skeletor blasts TDN photographer after being photographed loosing at arm-wrestling to Funshine Bear
11. Guest host Kool-Aid Man shatters while trying to leave tournament cafeteria through complicated turnstile
10. Chucky and Pinocchio engage in drunken brawl after heated debate over what constitutes being a real boy
09. Agitated Cassowary pecks at Lord Vader's mask during welcome speech and dislodges crucial breathing apparatus
08. Pac-Man, having forgotten to remove his reading glasses, mistakes Oompa Loomas for colored marshmallow squares and consumes 17 of them before being restrained by tournament security
07. Ducktale's ducklings set firecrackers off in Deathstar conference room, inadvertently starting a 45 minute firefight with a troupe of startled stormtroopers
06. Two of the original fourteen soccer hooligans decapitated before their first match while going on a women's undergarment raid in Xena's quarters
05. A-Team crashes van into porta-potties while racing with Bumblebee in docking bay
04. The kids from Southpark were admitted into the tournament at all
03. Wile E. Coyote destroys himself with faulty Acme gadget only seconds into his first match
02. Chewbacca mistakes Dave Hunt as long lost younger sister, Chewbecky
01. High Council escorted from arena in handcuffs after streaking the field

Gentle readers, I would like to take this time to thank you on behalf of myself, and the rest of the Tournament of Doom News staff. Your readership has made all of our work and madcap adventures worthwhile, and the few fatalities we've suffered hardly seem significant compared to the smiles on your bright shining faces as you read our column.

Although the Tournament is down to its final epic battle between Spider-Man and Mace Windu, we want you to know that you are in our hearts and minds each and every stinking day of the year. Of course you may be thinking that this is a sad good-bye, but it doesn't have to be!

I am pleased to inform you that, thanks to Rock Castle productions, the official Tournament of Doom website is up and running. There's not much to it now, but soon it will contain back issues of TND as well as new stories and info on Tournament of Doom 3. Please take some time over the next year to check us out for potential updates.

Until then, take care and keep your hands to yourself mister! You too young lady.