TDN Online Edition 02

DECEMBER
2005

CHRISTMAS
CATASTROPHE

This year's Tournament of Doom Christmas Party was held at the Elks Lodge in Muncie, Indiana. (Madison Square Garden was both booked and not interested following last year's fiasco.) For the highlights and lowlights of this year's festivities, check out the stories below.

The Freakin' Raptor's Freakin' Q&A

Hey Raptor do you decorate your house for the holidays? Seasons Greetings
T. Hicks. - Iowa

Dear Thicks,
Absolutely I decorate my house. But instead of using Christmas lights I hang up strings of Bob-ombs. (Actually, I hang up the strings of Bob-ombs on my neighbors' houses. That's funny.) I like to deck my halls with gasoline and light a match and watch them gleam. (Wait…I do that to my neighbors' houses too. Also funny.) What do I do…oh yeah, I decorate a Christmas tree but instead of buying a tree every year I get Audrey II-that venus flytrap from Little Shop of Horrors-and put her in my living room and decorate her all up with tinsel. Then every morning when I get up I have to fight her just to get a cup of coffee. And then, when people put gifts underneath the plant there's an outside chance Audrey II will eat them (the people, not the presents,) and if they do get the presents under there it's all the more fun for me to get them out to open them. Let me tell you, nothing says "Merry Christmas" more than having to fight your Christmas Venus Flytrap just to get at a crappy fruitcake.
Happy Holidaze everybodys!-The Freakin' Raptor

E-mail your questions for the Freakin' Raptor to therollingstone50@hotmail.com. Include the words "Dear Freakin' Raptor" in the heading.

Daily Kong
by Donkey Kong

Ah, the holidays! This is a time when people get together with family and relive old memories while they make new ones.

There is something about the smell of a fresh cut pine tree that takes me back to my days in the jungle primeval. There weren't a lot of evergreens to be found there, but Dad always managed to beat up some poor sap and steal his. One particular sucker, Griswald I believe his name was, lost about three to us before we were attacked by a rabid squirrel that had taken up residency inside the douglas fir. We saved the Griswald's a painful sequence of injections that year and shortly after we purchased an artificial tree. Those were good times.

I, as a columnist, and the rest of us at Tournament of Doom News, want to wish our loyal readers happy holidays and lots and lots of presents. If you can't buy love this year, at least you can buy gift certificates. And, in the end, that's really what counts.

Top Five TOD
Gift Exchanges

1. The Flash gave Luke Skywalker a hand-crocheted lightsaber cozy. Luke was touched and loved the elaborate stitch-work.

2. The Hulk gave Kool-Aid Man an envelope of lime-flavored powder so that the two could be a matched green pair when they go prowling for dates.

3. Conan the Barbarian was less than amused by the Barbie Dream House he got from a bunch of soccer hooligans. "By Crom! I asked for the Poolside Playset!" he was heard shouting to anyone who would listen.

4. The Freakin' Raptor seemed very pleased with the terrified steer an unknown someone slipped into his stocking.

5. The Predator left the party in a huff after the Power Puff Girls wretched over the box of severed heads he gave them. "It is great honor," he howled, "for my people to give such a gift! They were from my personal collection of human news anchors."

Holy crap! Did I
miss an issue of
TDN Online!?

RAMPAGE! KOOL-AID
MAN CRASHES PARTY

The Kool-Aid Man found himself the center of much disruption at this year's annual Tournament of Doom Christmas Party.
According to attendees, the oversized fruity beverage was thoroughly enjoying the company of his fellow TOD combatants early in the evening. "We were having a great time reminiscing," said the Thing of the Fantastic Four. "Nothing puts you more in the Christmas spirit than hearing good ol' Kool-Aid Man bellow 'Oh yeah!' It makes you appreciate the special moments you share with your friends and family around the holidays."
Yet events took a turn for the worse at around 8:00 that evening when the Jolly Green Giant accidentally mistook the Kool-Aid Man for his own oversized cup of holiday punch. After the Giant took a sip out of the Kool-Aid Man, the large pitcher responded by kicking the Giant in the chin. This startled the Giant, who abruptly dropped the Kool-Aid Man.
"Fortunately it was the Jolly Green Giant and not the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man," said the Thing. "If Kool-Aid Man had kicked the Marshmallow Man in the chin his foot probably would have become stuck in the creamy goo of his face. That would have meant the Kool-Aid Man would have been dangling upside down from Stay-Puft's chin and all the Kool-Aid would have spilled out of the Kool-Aid Man, which would not have been a good thing."
Instead, the Kool-Aid Man fell to the ground, crashing through the first floor of Elks Lodge and embedding himself in the basement. A woozy Kool-Aid Man could not pull himself out of the crater he had just created for himself. To complicate matters, the giant three-headed dog Cerebus mistook the Kool-Aid Man for his food dish and began lapping up the remaining red liquid in his container-like body.
"Hercules and I jumped to the rescue and wrestled Cerebus away from the Kool-Aid Man," continued the Thing. "Unfortunately, while we were distracting Cerebus with a chew toy, a couple Ewoks jumped into the Kool-Aid Man and began serving up glasses of punch to party-goers."
The Thing and Hercules managed to shoo off the Ewoks and free the Kool-Aid Man, but not before things took a turn for the worse. "We're not sure who exactly is responsible, but we think a gremlin managed to spike the Kool-Aid Man when we weren't looking," said the Thing.
Now standing on his own free will, the Kool-Aid Man began stumbling about the basement game room. Eventually he lost his balance, crashing through a number of pool tables and wiping out a support beam that brought a large portion of the upper floor crashing downstairs.
"Once that Kool-Aid Man gets his momentum going, it's pretty hard to stop him," remarked Hercules.
The Kool-Aid Man's rampage reached its peak when he crashed into downstairs women's bathroom. A number of ladies attending the party were inside. "I saw the Invisible Woman inside for an instant putting on some make-up before she vanished," remembered the Thing. "Then I saw She-Hulk and Rachel Kibler-Melby run out of the way of falling debris. They were pretty mad about the whole episode. On top of that, we're still looking for Ursula underneath the whole mess. Unfortunately, the Kool-Aid Man didn't help matters when he finally came to a stop inside a toilet stall."
A confused Kool-Aid Man spotted Wonder Woman, who had been adjusting her tiara, by the mirror above the now-shattered and leaking sinks. "Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh," he inappropriately groaned.
A clearly offended Wonder Woman tossed her lasso around the Kool-Aid Man's pitcher and pulled tight. His pitcher shattered, sending a tidal wave of Kool-Aid and thousands of shards of glass cascading through the Elks Lodge.
"We did manage to recollect most of the pieces the Kool-Aid Man to help reassemble him in the re-generation machine," said the Thing. "I did have the unfortunate task of pulling four rather large pieces of glass out of Bowser's butt. But we couldn't get them all back because the Raptor had already auctioned some off on eBay."
The Kool-Aid Man took it easy the rest of the night, making sure to stay as far away as he could from Cerebus. "I think he's pretty embarrassed about the whole episode," said the Thing.

STITCH IN A STITCH
UNDER MISTLETOE

Stitch discovered the power of the mistletoe at this year's Tournament of Doom Christmas Party but pushed his luck with the parasitic plant a little too far.
Stitch initially stumbled under a sprig of mistletoe hung by TOD III winner Storm. When Storm pointed at the ceiling, Stitch jumped up and ate the berry-bearing plant. He was surprised upon returning to the ground when Storm kissed him.
Sensing an opportunity, Stitch hacked the mistletoe back up, leapt to the ceiling, and dangled the slobber-drenched mistletoe over Storm. Storm obliged, hovered to the ceiling, and kissed the blue alien on the cheek.
His mind reeling with possibilities, Stitch began scurrying across the ceiling from party-goer to party-goer as he lured each into a kiss. One-by-one, Stitch extracted kisses from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Miss Piggy, Samus, Britta Schaffmeyer, Smurfette, a chimpanzee, and ElastiGirl.
A turning point occurred when Stitch accidentally mistook Michelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for She-Hulk. Not one to disappoint, Michelangelo obliged an apologetic Stitch with a kiss.
Stitch now saw a whole new world of opportunity unfold before him. Dashing quickly through the party, Stitch managed to coax kisses out of Snarf, Optimus Prime, Dave Hunt, the Tasmanian Devil, and (impressively) the Flash.
"Once I saw Stitch lay a big wet one on the Flash, I split," said TOD council member Eric Kerkove. "I'm not kissing no one at no party."
A post-party poll indicated Stitch had kissed 63% of the party-goers by the time he reached his last target. Unfortunately for the furry blue alien, the outcome was not what he expected.
"I saw it all happen," said UB student Holly O. "Stitch was hiding on a rafter when Blastoise walked underneath the mistletoe. Stitch dropped down and demanded a kiss. That's when Blastoise puckered up and fired a high-powered stream of water in Stitch's direction. It blew Stitch straight through the brick wall. And on top of that, you know how Stitch handles water."
A rescue team led by Willie the Groundskeeper found Stitch unconscious across the street embedded in a green metal dumpster. "It took us forty-five minutes to find him," said Willie. "We passed by him a few times but thought he was just a fat opossum plastered against the dumpster. We didn't recognize him because Blastoise's blast blasted all the fur off his face."
Willie reported Stitch still clung to the mistletoe.

Pucker up!

FREAKIN' RAPTOR
CROSSES THE LINE

The Freakin' Raptor finally crossed the line upon Santa Claus' arrival at this year's TOD Christmas Party.
As part of the evening's musical program (which included a beautiful rendition of "Silent Night" performed by General Grievous and an indoor Christmas-themed fireworks display provide by the Tie-Fighter,) Santa Claus appeared and passed out candy canes to the grateful party-goers.
Then things turned ugly in only the way the Tournament of Doom can turn ugly.
"Santa Claus had just announced that everyone-including Darth Vader-had made it onto the 'Nice' List that year. Everybody was happy. The Thundercats even managed to douse Vader with a 2-gallon cooler full of eggnog and Vader didn't mind. It was all very festive. But that's when the Freakin' Raptor and his buddies walked in the backdoor."
The Freakin' Raptor and four other raptors entered the main hall of the Elks Lodge and wanted to know what was happening. A stunned hush spread over the crowd as party-goers one-by-one noticed the five raptors casually eating the bloodied hind legs of a brown-furred ruminant mammal.
Santa stared ahead in horrified dread.
"What's the deal?" the Raptor asked through a mouthful of meat.
"What are you eating?" asked a pale Mace Windu.
"Venison," replied the Raptor.
"Do you mean…deer?" Mace Windu fearfully asked.
"Of course," the Raptor confirmed.
"Where did you find those deer?" Sugar Bear asked.
The Raptor answered with the words no one wanted to hear. "On the roof."
With those words Santa dropped his bag of toys. Looks of shock and disgust crossed the faces of every party-goer.
"What's wrong," asked the Raptor. "Do you guys want some? How about you Mr. Claus?"
"How embarrassing. The Tournament of Doom has sunk
to a new low," said an egg nog drenched Vader.
Shortly afterwards one of the raptors spit up a small brown ball. It rolled across the room, landing at the feet of the Incredible Hulk, where it glowed a faint red. With that the Powerpuff Girls left the party in tears.
"That's when Santa Claus got really angry," said Corey H. "Over a few long seconds he morphed from sheer mortification into a jolly ball of fury. In a flash Santa used some sort of power like the Force to grab Darth Vader's lightsaber, put his hand on his nose, and POOF! vanished from the stage-only to reappear next to the raptors!
"At first the raptors we're shocked," continued Corey, "but then Santa flicked on the lightsaber. Santa took a swipe at the Freakin' Raptor but he barely dodged the blow. That's when the raptors changed from shock to delight. They were ready to rumble with Jolly Ol' Saint Nick, and did they ever go at it!"
The party turned to chaos as Santa began chasing the raptors around the Elks Lodge with a lightsaber. Party-goers either scrambled to get out of the way or to find the best seat to watch what could very well have turned into the greatest fight in Tournament of Doom history. But panic quickly spread throughout the room as some guests began to be pushed around, and all kinds of fights broke out.

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Tournament of Doom News - Online Edition
DECEMBER 2005


DECEMBER 2005	CHRISTMAS CATASTROPHE This year's Tournament of Doom Christmas Party was held at the Elks Lodge in Muncie, Indiana. (Madison Square Garden was both booked and not interested following last year's fiasco.) For the highlights and lowlights of this year's festivities, check out the stories below.
The Freakin' Raptor's Freakin' Q&A Hey Raptor do you decorate your house for the holidays? Seasons Greetings T. Hicks. - Iowa Dear Thicks, Absolutely I decorate my house. But instead of using Christmas lights I hang up strings of Bob-ombs. (Actually, I hang up the strings of Bob-ombs on my neighbors' houses. That's funny.) I like to deck my halls with gasoline and light a match and watch them gleam. (Wait…I do that to my neighbors' houses too. Also funny.) What do I do…oh yeah, I decorate a Christmas tree but instead of buying a tree every year I get Audrey II-that venus flytrap from Little Shop of Horrors-and put her in my living room and decorate her all up with tinsel. Then every morning when I get up I have to fight her just to get a cup of coffee. And then, when people put gifts underneath the plant there's an outside chance Audrey II will eat them (the people, not the presents,) and if they do get the presents under there it's all the more fun for me to get them out to open them. Let me tell you, nothing says "Merry Christmas" more than having to fight your Christmas Venus Flytrap just to get at a crappy fruitcake. Happy Holidaze everybodys!-The Freakin' Raptor E-mail your questions for the Freakin' Raptor to therollingstone50@hotmail.com. Include the words "Dear Freakin' Raptor" in the heading. Daily Kong by Donkey Kong Ah, the holidays! This is a time when people get together with family and relive old memories while they make new ones. There is something about the smell of a fresh cut pine tree that takes me back to my days in the jungle primeval. There weren't a lot of evergreens to be found there, but Dad always managed to beat up some poor sap and steal his. One particular sucker, Griswald I believe his name was, lost about three to us before we were attacked by a rabid squirrel that had taken up residency inside the douglas fir. We saved the Griswald's a painful sequence of injections that year and shortly after we purchased an artificial tree. Those were good times. I, as a columnist, and the rest of us at Tournament of Doom News, want to wish our loyal readers happy holidays and lots and lots of presents. If you can't buy love this year, at least you can buy gift certificates. And, in the end, that's really what counts. Top Five TOD Gift Exchanges 1. The Flash gave Luke Skywalker a hand-crocheted lightsaber cozy. Luke was touched and loved the elaborate stitch-work. 2. The Hulk gave Kool-Aid Man an envelope of lime-flavored powder so that the two could be a matched green pair when they go prowling for dates. 3. Conan the Barbarian was less than amused by the Barbie Dream House he got from a bunch of soccer hooligans. "By Crom! I asked for the Poolside Playset!" he was heard shouting to anyone who would listen. 4. The Freakin' Raptor seemed very pleased with the terrified steer an unknown someone slipped into his stocking. 5. The Predator left the party in a huff after the Power Puff Girls wretched over the box of severed heads he gave them. "It is great honor," he howled, "for my people to give such a gift! They were from my personal collection of human news anchors." Holy crap! Did I miss an issue of TDN Online!?	RAMPAGE! KOOL-AID MAN CRASHES PARTY The Kool-Aid Man found himself the center of much disruption at this year's annual Tournament of Doom Christmas Party. According to attendees, the oversized fruity beverage was thoroughly enjoying the company of his fellow TOD combatants early in the evening. "We were having a great time reminiscing," said the Thing of the Fantastic Four. "Nothing puts you more in the Christmas spirit than hearing good ol' Kool-Aid Man bellow 'Oh yeah!' It makes you appreciate the special moments you share with your friends and family around the holidays." Yet events took a turn for the worse at around 8:00 that evening when the Jolly Green Giant accidentally mistook the Kool-Aid Man for his own oversized cup of holiday punch. After the Giant took a sip out of the Kool-Aid Man, the large pitcher responded by kicking the Giant in the chin. This startled the Giant, who abruptly dropped the Kool-Aid Man. "Fortunately it was the Jolly Green Giant and not the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man," said the Thing. "If Kool-Aid Man had kicked the Marshmallow Man in the chin his foot probably would have become stuck in the creamy goo of his face. That would have meant the Kool-Aid Man would have been dangling upside down from Stay-Puft's chin and all the Kool-Aid would have spilled out of the Kool-Aid Man, which would not have been a good thing." Instead, the Kool-Aid Man fell to the ground, crashing through the first floor of Elks Lodge and embedding himself in the basement. A woozy Kool-Aid Man could not pull himself out of the crater he had just created for himself. To complicate matters, the giant three-headed dog Cerebus mistook the Kool-Aid Man for his food dish and began lapping up the remaining red liquid in his container-like body. "Hercules and I jumped to the rescue and wrestled Cerebus away from the Kool-Aid Man," continued the Thing. "Unfortunately, while we were distracting Cerebus with a chew toy, a couple Ewoks jumped into the Kool-Aid Man and began serving up glasses of punch to party-goers." The Thing and Hercules managed to shoo off the Ewoks and free the Kool-Aid Man, but not before things took a turn for the worse. "We're not sure who exactly is responsible, but we think a gremlin managed to spike the Kool-Aid Man when we weren't looking," said the Thing. Now standing on his own free will, the Kool-Aid Man began stumbling about the basement game room. Eventually he lost his balance, crashing through a number of pool tables and wiping out a support beam that brought a large portion of the upper floor crashing downstairs. "Once that Kool-Aid Man gets his momentum going, it's pretty hard to stop him," remarked Hercules. The Kool-Aid Man's rampage reached its peak when he crashed into downstairs women's bathroom. A number of ladies attending the party were inside. "I saw the Invisible Woman inside for an instant putting on some make-up before she vanished," remembered the Thing. "Then I saw She-Hulk and Rachel Kibler-Melby run out of the way of falling debris. They were pretty mad about the whole episode. On top of that, we're still looking for Ursula underneath the whole mess. Unfortunately, the Kool-Aid Man didn't help matters when he finally came to a stop inside a toilet stall." A confused Kool-Aid Man spotted Wonder Woman, who had been adjusting her tiara, by the mirror above the now-shattered and leaking sinks. "Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh," he inappropriately groaned. A clearly offended Wonder Woman tossed her lasso around the Kool-Aid Man's pitcher and pulled tight. His pitcher shattered, sending a tidal wave of Kool-Aid and thousands of shards of glass cascading through the Elks Lodge. "We did manage to recollect most of the pieces the Kool-Aid Man to help reassemble him in the re-generation machine," said the Thing. "I did have the unfortunate task of pulling four rather large pieces of glass out of Bowser's butt. But we couldn't get them all back because the Raptor had already auctioned some off on eBay." The Kool-Aid Man took it easy the rest of the night, making sure to stay as far away as he could from Cerebus. "I think he's pretty embarrassed about the whole episode," said the Thing.	STITCH IN A STITCH UNDER MISTLETOE Stitch discovered the power of the mistletoe at this year's Tournament of Doom Christmas Party but pushed his luck with the parasitic plant a little too far. Stitch initially stumbled under a sprig of mistletoe hung by TOD III winner Storm. When Storm pointed at the ceiling, Stitch jumped up and ate the berry-bearing plant. He was surprised upon returning to the ground when Storm kissed him. Sensing an opportunity, Stitch hacked the mistletoe back up, leapt to the ceiling, and dangled the slobber-drenched mistletoe over Storm. Storm obliged, hovered to the ceiling, and kissed the blue alien on the cheek. His mind reeling with possibilities, Stitch began scurrying across the ceiling from party-goer to party-goer as he lured each into a kiss. One-by-one, Stitch extracted kisses from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Miss Piggy, Samus, Britta Schaffmeyer, Smurfette, a chimpanzee, and ElastiGirl. A turning point occurred when Stitch accidentally mistook Michelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for She-Hulk. Not one to disappoint, Michelangelo obliged an apologetic Stitch with a kiss. Stitch now saw a whole new world of opportunity unfold before him. Dashing quickly through the party, Stitch managed to coax kisses out of Snarf, Optimus Prime, Dave Hunt, the Tasmanian Devil, and (impressively) the Flash. "Once I saw Stitch lay a big wet one on the Flash, I split," said TOD council member Eric Kerkove. "I'm not kissing no one at no party." A post-party poll indicated Stitch had kissed 63% of the party-goers by the time he reached his last target. Unfortunately for the furry blue alien, the outcome was not what he expected. "I saw it all happen," said UB student Holly O. "Stitch was hiding on a rafter when Blastoise walked underneath the mistletoe. Stitch dropped down and demanded a kiss. That's when Blastoise puckered up and fired a high-powered stream of water in Stitch's direction. It blew Stitch straight through the brick wall. And on top of that, you know how Stitch handles water." A rescue team led by Willie the Groundskeeper found Stitch unconscious across the street embedded in a green metal dumpster. "It took us forty-five minutes to find him," said Willie. "We passed by him a few times but thought he was just a fat opossum plastered against the dumpster. We didn't recognize him because Blastoise's blast blasted all the fur off his face." Willie reported Stitch still clung to the mistletoe. Pucker up!
	FREAKIN' RAPTOR CROSSES THE LINE The Freakin' Raptor finally crossed the line upon Santa Claus' arrival at this year's TOD Christmas Party. As part of the evening's musical program (which included a beautiful rendition of "Silent Night" performed by General Grievous and an indoor Christmas-themed fireworks display provide by the Tie-Fighter,) Santa Claus appeared and passed out candy canes to the grateful party-goers. Then things turned ugly in only the way the Tournament of Doom can turn ugly. "Santa Claus had just announced that everyone-including Darth Vader-had made it onto the 'Nice' List that year. Everybody was happy. The Thundercats even managed to douse Vader with a 2-gallon cooler full of eggnog and Vader didn't mind. It was all very festive. But that's when the Freakin' Raptor and his buddies walked in the backdoor." The Freakin' Raptor and four other raptors entered the main hall of the Elks Lodge and wanted to know what was happening. A stunned hush spread over the crowd as party-goers one-by-one noticed the five raptors casually eating the bloodied hind legs of a brown-furred ruminant mammal. Santa stared ahead in horrified dread. "What's the deal?" the Raptor asked through a mouthful of meat. "What are you eating?" asked a pale Mace Windu. "Venison," replied the Raptor. "Do you mean…deer?" Mace Windu fearfully asked. "Of course," the Raptor confirmed. "Where did you find those deer?" Sugar Bear asked. The Raptor answered with the words no one wanted to hear. "On the roof." With those words Santa dropped his bag of toys. Looks of shock and disgust crossed the faces of every party-goer. "What's wrong," asked the Raptor. "Do you guys want some? How about you Mr. Claus?" "How embarrassing. The Tournament of Doom has sunk to a new low," said an egg nog drenched Vader. Shortly afterwards one of the raptors spit up a small brown ball. It rolled across the room, landing at the feet of the Incredible Hulk, where it glowed a faint red. With that the Powerpuff Girls left the party in tears. "That's when Santa Claus got really angry," said Corey H. "Over a few long seconds he morphed from sheer mortification into a jolly ball of fury. In a flash Santa used some sort of power like the Force to grab Darth Vader's lightsaber, put his hand on his nose, and POOF! vanished from the stage-only to reappear next to the raptors! "At first the raptors we're shocked," continued Corey, "but then Santa flicked on the lightsaber. Santa took a swipe at the Freakin' Raptor but he barely dodged the blow. That's when the raptors changed from shock to delight. They were ready to rumble with Jolly Ol' Saint Nick, and did they ever go at it!" The party turned to chaos as Santa began chasing the raptors around the Elks Lodge with a lightsaber. Party-goers either scrambled to get out of the way or to find the best seat to watch what could very well have turned into the greatest fight in Tournament of Doom history. But panic quickly spread throughout the room as some guests began to be pushed around, and all kinds of fights broke out.		paid advertisement Guess Who's Not Going to the Prom This Year? If you had asked this question a month ago, the answer would have been "me." But that was before I discovered the Martian Manhunter's special brand of psychic skin care. In just days I started noticing a change in my appearance and within weeks my problem skin was entirely gone. In fact, my entire head had altered itself into a glowing nimbus of light. Now I just can't keep the girls away! If you're tired of all of the creams and stinky little pads, then give the Martian Manhunter's method a try. It will only cost you a Gramenian nodule of your consciousness, and what is that compaired to clearer skin? So what are you waiting for!?
	Tournament of Doom News - Online Edition DECEMBER 2005
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