TDN Online Edition 02

February
2006

KONG PASSED UP FOR OSCAR!!!

The Freakin' Raptor's Freakin' Q&A

Hey Raptor, who would win in a fight...those lazy, cry-baby powerpuff girls or Ditka (accompanied by Walter Payton and the Fridge to even it out)?—Your biggest anti-fan, Kalyn

Dear Kalyn,
First things first—While they are lazy cry-babies, the Powerpuff Girls would beat all three, but the duo of Payton and the Fridge could take them easy. Ditka’s too much of a liability. I’ve seen his commercials.

The bigger issue, however, is that I now have an ANTI-FAN! I’ve never had an anti-fan before. I’ve had a few pro-enemies, an occasional arch-rival, and even an evil alter ego, but never an anti-fan. I wonder if that’s like a nemesis. I’ve always wanted one of them. So does this mean you’re going to show up at all my TOD fights with signs that say mean stuff like “RIP THE RAPTOR” or “CAPTURE THAT RAPTOR?” Cause I can be an anti-fan too. I’ll make signs like “KRUNCH THE KALYN” or “KARATE THAT KALYN.” What do you think of that? Huh? Take that, anti-fan! I sure stuck it to you!

Best regards, and forever your anti-fan,
The Freakin’ Raptor

E-mail your questions for the Freakin' Raptor to therollingstone50@hotmail.com. Include the words "Dear Freakin' Raptor" in the heading.

Daily Kong
by Donkey Kong

While I was having my nails done, I was asked by a fan who my special sweetheart was. I immediately tore off his arms and beat him like a drum with them, but afterwards I gave his question some extra thought.

In this month of hearts and candy, what does something like "love" mean to battle-hardened warrior like myself. The answer is simple: nothing.

I don't need any of that creepy cootie-infested dating, and the money I save by not paying for TWO movies every Friday night goes towards my new XBox 360. When I need a hug or someone to tell me it's "okay" when I skin my knee, I've got my mom. She's also really good about making sure that I get to my sessions with Dr. Freud on time. Thanks Mom!

Tournament of Doom IV competitor King Kong expressed outrage this week after learning he had not been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actor.

“Grrrrrraaaagggghhhh! Rrahhhhgghh-rgh-rgh-grrat. Grrragggh!” King Kong said at a hastily arranged press conference following the Academy’s early morning announcement.
King Kong’s agent, Donkey Kong, (no relation,) spoke following his client’s tirade.
“Director Peter Jackson’s bio-flick ‘King Kong’ was the biggest movie of the holiday season, easily grossing over $200,000,000 at the box office,” said Donkey Kong, dressed only in a dapper monogrammed red tie. “King also turned in the star-making performance of the year. Few actors have King’s acting range. When was the last time you saw Tom Hanks or Denzel Washington shift effortlessly from a furious dinosaur fight to a tender love scene with one of Hollywood’s leading ladies.”

“Brrrrallllll! Phttttt,” King Kong added.

“Brrrrallllll! Phttttt,”

“Oh, yes, that’s right—and he did all of his own stunt work,” Donkey Kong translated.
King Kong blamed the Academy’s snobbishness for his snub. “Roaaaaaaaaaar! Grar-grar-roaaaaaaaaar!”

Donkey Kong agreed. “Seriously folks—Philip Seymour Hoffman in ‘Capote?’ David Strathairn in ‘Good Night, and Good Luck?’ No one’s seen these movies. It’s just Hollywood pretending they have some class. If they really had some class, they would have nominated King.”
Both Kongs, however, agreed Heath Ledger had done outstanding work in “Brokeback Mountain” and deserved his nomination along with Joaquin Phoenix in “Walk the Line.” King Kong even tried to sing a rendition of Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire.”

King Kong’s co-star, Naomi Watts, also spoke on his behalf. “I’ve worked with Sean Penn in two films, and the work King did in this movie is up to Sean’s level. In fact, King may be this generation’s Robert DeNiro.”

Donkey Kong mentioned other former Tournament of Doom contestants who were passed over by the Academy but deserved nominations as well, suggesting the Oscars had it out for the TOD. “The penguins in ‘Madagascar’ did a phenomenal job. Darth Vader should have been nominated for his short yet powerful scenes in ‘Revenge of the Sith.’ And Batman was just…words can’t describe Batman’s work in ‘Batman Begins.’ Both King and I believe he should have been a shoo-in for Best Actor.”

King Kong agreed. “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraawwwwgg!”

The press conference ended abruptly after a squadron of bi-planes began strafing the gathering.

Pika-Shadow?

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA, February 2—Punxsutawney Pikachu emerged from his burrow today and saw his shadow, guaranteeing six more weeks of static-clingy winter.
Pikachu, since renamed Punxsutawney Pikachu, replaced the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil this year following last year’s Groundhog Day fiasco.

Last year, Phil emerged from his burrow to see his shadow, meaning winter would last six more weeks. The Freakin’ Raptor, a cold-blooded reptile watching the ceremony at home on his television, became infuriated after learning he would have to endure another month of wintry temperatures. A week later, the Raptor ambushed Phil and…seriously, what do you think a Freakin’ Raptor would do if he sunk his talons into a woodchuck-like rodent?
The citizens of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, sued the Tournament of Doom for damages. A judge ordered the Tournament of Doom to supply Punxsutawney with a new groundhog. Lacking a groundhog, TOD Chairman Darth Vader loaned the Pennsylvanians Pikachu.
“Pikachu’s been…O.K.,” said Punxsutawney resident Doris Bradshaw. “He’s cute as a button, but he’s so electrical. Every time he rolls over in his burrow the lights blink. And there’s static electricity everywhere. Everybody’s hair is standing up on end, and whenever I walk within five feet of another human being a spark jumps between the two of us. I’d like him more if it wasn’t for the pain that comes with all the shocks.”

One person who definitely misses Phil is his old handler, Roger Barnes. For the past thirty years, Barnes acted as master of ceremonies on Groundhog Day and declared whether or not Phil had seen his shadow.

This year, as he had done in the past with the groundhog, Barnes announced Pikachu’s verdict and then held him up in the sky. Pikachu then curled up into a ball, started shaking, and said “Pikachu…”

“Oh, that’s cute,” said Barnes. “This cat-rat-groundhog thing knows its name.”
At that instant a lightning bolt shot out of the sky and struck Barnes square in his top hat. A charred Barnes was left holding a delighted Pikachu as the crowd scattered in fear, bolts of electricity shooting between one another as they fled.

City leaders doubt they will ask Pikachu back next year. “We asked the Tournament of Doom to submit a list of candidates to replace Pikachu,” said mayor Robert Cowher. “They sent us five names, all of whom we intend to interview: Stitch, Yoda, the Cheat, Yosemite Sam, and the yellow Hungry Hungry Hippo. Honestly, I kind of like the ring of ‘The Cheat Day,’ although I’d be happy with the Hippo.”

None of this pleases the Raptor at all, who was once again furious with the decision from Punxsutawney. The Raptor was last seen creeping through the backwoods of the Keystone State dressed in a heavy parka asking terrified campers if they knew the whereabouts of “that jerk” Punxsutawney Pikachu.

Tournament of Doom News - Online Edition
February 2006


February 2006	KONG PASSED UP FOR OSCAR!!!
The Freakin' Raptor's Freakin' Q&A Hey Raptor, who would win in a fight...those lazy, cry-baby powerpuff girls or Ditka (accompanied by Walter Payton and the Fridge to even it out)?—Your biggest anti-fan, Kalyn Dear Kalyn, First things first—While they are lazy cry-babies, the Powerpuff Girls would beat all three, but the duo of Payton and the Fridge could take them easy. Ditka’s too much of a liability. I’ve seen his commercials. The bigger issue, however, is that I now have an ANTI-FAN! I’ve never had an anti-fan before. I’ve had a few pro-enemies, an occasional arch-rival, and even an evil alter ego, but never an anti-fan. I wonder if that’s like a nemesis. I’ve always wanted one of them. So does this mean you’re going to show up at all my TOD fights with signs that say mean stuff like “RIP THE RAPTOR” or “CAPTURE THAT RAPTOR?” Cause I can be an anti-fan too. I’ll make signs like “KRUNCH THE KALYN” or “KARATE THAT KALYN.” What do you think of that? Huh? Take that, anti-fan! I sure stuck it to you! Best regards, and forever your anti-fan, The Freakin’ Raptor E-mail your questions for the Freakin' Raptor to therollingstone50@hotmail.com. Include the words "Dear Freakin' Raptor" in the heading. Daily Kong by Donkey Kong While I was having my nails done, I was asked by a fan who my special sweetheart was. I immediately tore off his arms and beat him like a drum with them, but afterwards I gave his question some extra thought. In this month of hearts and candy, what does something like "love" mean to battle-hardened warrior like myself. The answer is simple: nothing. I don't need any of that creepy cootie-infested dating, and the money I save by not paying for TWO movies every Friday night goes towards my new XBox 360. When I need a hug or someone to tell me it's "okay" when I skin my knee, I've got my mom. She's also really good about making sure that I get to my sessions with Dr. Freud on time. Thanks Mom!	Tournament of Doom IV competitor King Kong expressed outrage this week after learning he had not been nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actor. “Grrrrrraaaagggghhhh! Rrahhhhgghh-rgh-rgh-grrat. Grrragggh!” King Kong said at a hastily arranged press conference following the Academy’s early morning announcement. King Kong’s agent, Donkey Kong, (no relation,) spoke following his client’s tirade. “Director Peter Jackson’s bio-flick ‘King Kong’ was the biggest movie of the holiday season, easily grossing over $200,000,000 at the box office,” said Donkey Kong, dressed only in a dapper monogrammed red tie. “King also turned in the star-making performance of the year. Few actors have King’s acting range. When was the last time you saw Tom Hanks or Denzel Washington shift effortlessly from a furious dinosaur fight to a tender love scene with one of Hollywood’s leading ladies.” “Brrrrallllll! Phttttt,” King Kong added. “Brrrrallllll! Phttttt,”	“Oh, yes, that’s right—and he did all of his own stunt work,” Donkey Kong translated. King Kong blamed the Academy’s snobbishness for his snub. “Roaaaaaaaaaar! Grar-grar-roaaaaaaaaar!” Donkey Kong agreed. “Seriously folks—Philip Seymour Hoffman in ‘Capote?’ David Strathairn in ‘Good Night, and Good Luck?’ No one’s seen these movies. It’s just Hollywood pretending they have some class. If they really had some class, they would have nominated King.” Both Kongs, however, agreed Heath Ledger had done outstanding work in “Brokeback Mountain” and deserved his nomination along with Joaquin Phoenix in “Walk the Line.” King Kong even tried to sing a rendition of Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire.” King Kong’s co-star, Naomi Watts, also spoke on his behalf. “I’ve worked with Sean Penn in two films, and the work King did in this movie is up to Sean’s level. In fact, King may be this generation’s Robert DeNiro.” Donkey Kong mentioned other former Tournament of Doom contestants who were passed over by the Academy but deserved nominations as well, suggesting the Oscars had it out for the TOD. “The penguins in ‘Madagascar’ did a phenomenal job. Darth Vader should have been nominated for his short yet powerful scenes in ‘Revenge of the Sith.’ And Batman was just…words can’t describe Batman’s work in ‘Batman Begins.’ Both King and I believe he should have been a shoo-in for Best Actor.” King Kong agreed. “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraawwwwgg!” The press conference ended abruptly after a squadron of bi-planes began strafing the gathering.
	Pika-Shadow? PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA, February 2—Punxsutawney Pikachu emerged from his burrow today and saw his shadow, guaranteeing six more weeks of static-clingy winter. Pikachu, since renamed Punxsutawney Pikachu, replaced the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil this year following last year’s Groundhog Day fiasco. Last year, Phil emerged from his burrow to see his shadow, meaning winter would last six more weeks. The Freakin’ Raptor, a cold-blooded reptile watching the ceremony at home on his television, became infuriated after learning he would have to endure another month of wintry temperatures. A week later, the Raptor ambushed Phil and…seriously, what do you think a Freakin’ Raptor would do if he sunk his talons into a woodchuck-like rodent? The citizens of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, sued the Tournament of Doom for damages. A judge ordered the Tournament of Doom to supply Punxsutawney with a new groundhog. Lacking a groundhog, TOD Chairman Darth Vader loaned the Pennsylvanians Pikachu. “Pikachu’s been…O.K.,” said Punxsutawney resident Doris Bradshaw. “He’s cute as a button, but he’s so electrical. Every time he rolls over in his burrow the lights blink. And there’s static electricity everywhere. Everybody’s hair is standing up on end, and whenever I walk within five feet of another human being a spark jumps between the two of us. I’d like him more if it wasn’t for the pain that comes with all the shocks.” One person who definitely misses Phil is his old handler, Roger Barnes. For the past thirty years, Barnes acted as master of ceremonies on Groundhog Day and declared whether or not Phil had seen his shadow. This year, as he had done in the past with the groundhog, Barnes announced Pikachu’s verdict and then held him up in the sky. Pikachu then curled up into a ball, started shaking, and said “Pikachu…” “Oh, that’s cute,” said Barnes. “This cat-rat-groundhog thing knows its name.” At that instant a lightning bolt shot out of the sky and struck Barnes square in his top hat. A charred Barnes was left holding a delighted Pikachu as the crowd scattered in fear, bolts of electricity shooting between one another as they fled. City leaders doubt they will ask Pikachu back next year. “We asked the Tournament of Doom to submit a list of candidates to replace Pikachu,” said mayor Robert Cowher. “They sent us five names, all of whom we intend to interview: Stitch, Yoda, the Cheat, Yosemite Sam, and the yellow Hungry Hungry Hippo. Honestly, I kind of like the ring of ‘The Cheat Day,’ although I’d be happy with the Hippo.” None of this pleases the Raptor at all, who was once again furious with the decision from Punxsutawney. The Raptor was last seen creeping through the backwoods of the Keystone State dressed in a heavy parka asking terrified campers if they knew the whereabouts of “that jerk” Punxsutawney Pikachu.
	Tournament of Doom News - Online Edition February 2006
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