TDN Online Edition 02

SEPTEMBER
2005

VADER KICKS BACK
Many think he should 'shove off' as well!

The Freakin' Raptor's Freakin' Q&A

Dear Mssr. Raptor,
You're so cool. You must hang out with all the big Hollywood names. Who's your favorite celebrity to party with?
Yours truly,
Rory
Pocatello, Idaho

Dear Rory,
Rorrrrrry! I like your name, Rorrrrrrry! I'm glad you noticed that I'm cool Rorrrrry. The other person who noticed that I'm cool is Diddy. Diddy is my favorite celebrity. Me and Diddy go way back, like to when he used to be called Puff Daddy, but not when he was known as Puffy. The P. Diddy years were kind of shaky. Me and J-Lo never really got along. But now me and Diddy are like mammoths in a tar pit. We both like bling. Bling's the thing. Makes me sing. All that bling. Give it a fling. Eat a chicken wing. The panda's name is Ling-Ling. I play pong-ping. I am the king. The king of ka-ching. Zing-zing-zing. Superkalifragiling. Say the word derfting. I'm rapping like klopving. Speaking of a chicken wing. I want a chicken wing. Chicken wing. Chicken wing. Chicken-chicken-chicken wing. Chicken wing…chicken wing…chicken wing……Rorrrrrrrry!

E-mail your questions for the Freakin' Raptor to therollingstone50@hotmail.com. Include the words "Dear Freakin' Raptor" in the heading.

Daily Kong
by Donkey Kong

The Tournament for 2005 has so quickly come and gone. Blood was spilled, buildings were knocked down, and entire islands were decimated in ways unimagined by the human mind. After something like that, all a Tournament fan can do is sit back and let out a long sweet sigh of satisfaction.

Admittedly, there was a part of me that secretly longed to participate in the big fights again. Sometimes I think that desire may have subtly manifested itself in my column. However, there was something special about sitting on the sidelines and watching the action go down. After all, who can sit and watch those smug self-righteous dung heaps who call themselves heroes finally get the beating that they so deserve without feeling the corners of his mouth tugged into a knowing smile. That, dear readers, is almost as satisfying as long fought victory in the ring.

But though the dust has settled and a new champion has been crowned, talk has already begun of next year's fights. Where can the Tournament of Doom go at this point? How can the council hope to top the shear ferocity and magnitude of this year's matches again? Well, I can only speculate, but I'm sure they will find a way to work in a giant super-powered gorilla who can destroy hyper-active little plumbers with flying wooden barrels into the mix. After all, what else better embodies the spirit of the Tournament? Oh. Right. There is that stupid raptor, but he's really more of a mascot, right?

That aside, I look forward to sharing my uplifting and fairly balanced viewpoints once more this year in my column. I will tip my hat to past fighters, and well as delving into the possibilities of the new. Thank you for reading and for acknowledging my superiority.

You are reading

TDN
NEWS
online
edition

An increasing number of Tournament of Doom fans are expressing outrage over TOD Chairman Darth Vader's recent extended absence from his post.
Following the conclusion of this summer's Tournament of Doom IV: The Clobbernating, Vader returned to his desolate homeland of Tatooine for a five-week vacation.

In his absence, much of the necessary post-competition clean-up work has not been finished. Many residents of New York City have grown impatient with the TOD's rebuilding effort following the demolition of their apartment buildings by the Incredible Hulk during the final fights. Also, many TOD employees quit coming to work when they did not receive their monthly paycheck.

One of Vader's strongest critics has been Thor, who railed against the Sith Lord's management of the TOD budget. "Without Vader's feared presence, no one in the treasurer's office is doing their job. I saw a couple of polar bears walk out of the treasurer's office the other day with multiple bags of cash. And while I know [TOD votecounter/treasurer] the Count is good at accounting, without Vader around to keep him on task he just runs around counting things like paperclips, bumblebees, and Bumblebee."

Thor contrasted Vader's leadership skills with his own. "I help my father [Norse god Odin] run the entire affairs of an afterworld. It's quite the endeavor making sure everyone-even the gods-are keeping their checkbooks balanced, so you can imagine what it's like to deal with mere super-powered humans and supernatural marshmallow men. Vader's just dropping the hammer on this one."

Stormtrooper 492, Vader's press secretary, addressed the media at Vader's Tatooine ranch following Thor's comments. "Vader is in complete control of the Tournament of Doom. He has a direct line of contact with TOD operations on Earth. And on top of that, Thor is downright crazy. Now if you'll excuse me, I am joining Lord Vader to watch the pod races."

Before leaving Earth, Vader placed two orangutans from the San Diego Zoo in charge of overseeing TOD operations during the month of August. This move has not sat well with some members of the TOD community.
"I know they have opposable thumbs and all," said a clearly disgruntled Elastigirl, "but all I see them do all day is pick flies off one another's backs."

Others had a different point of view. "Frankly, I think the TOD's been run as well as it ever has during the month of August," said 2004 competitor Dr. Doom. "The primates do a better job than Vader. In fact, I wish Vader would stay on Tatooine. I prefer the monkeys."

The orangutans had no comments.

Vader and his honeys relax off planet

Lex Luthor's Legitimacy Lost?

Lex Luthor is under investigation by the TOD Ethics Panel for possibly rigging a number of TOD fights over the past two years.
Councilmember Jason Stonerook, who also serves as the chairman of the Ethics Panel, launched the inquiry.
"Luthor's name repeatedly appears at the center of a number of suspicious events regarding the Tournament of Doom," Stonerook said. "I'm all for meddling, but Luthor's shenanigans may extend beyond meddling into the reprehensible realm of devious chicanery. And in my book, deviousness and chicanery just don't belong together."
Stonerook and the Ethics Panel-consisting of Bowser, Skeletor, the Joker and Harley Quinn, Maleficent, Godzilla, and the Trix Rabbit-are investigating four particular incidents related to Luthor.
The first involves Luthor's improbable win in Tournament of Doom III: The Explodening over Duke Nukem. "Luther entered the ring unarmed while Nukem brought in firearms whose might the world had never seen. Yet somehow the unarmed man defeated a person with the firepower of a well-armed battalion at his disposal. How did this happen?"
The second involves the acquisition of Kryptonite armor by five raptors entered in this past year's TOD. "Who supplied the raptors with that armor, and what was their purpose? Why Kryptonite armor and not, say, armor made of iron?"
The third incident involves Superman's improbable loss to the Powerpuff Girls in this year's Final Four. "I'm still perplexed by this turn of events. His name is Superman. There is no way he could have lost! We're reviewing tapes of the fight right now, and let me say, there is significant evidence to suggest the Powerpuff Girls had some 'outside help.' I'll just leave it at that for now."
Finally, Stonerook is investigating Luthor's long pattern of chicanery over the past half-century. "I'll just ask the question straight out: Luthor-What'd you do with Jimmy Hoffa?"
Councilmember Eric Kerkove bristles at Stonerook's accusations. "Stoney's an idiot. He's still miffed Superman lost. He's a raving lunatic, walking around telling anyone he runs into that the Powerpuff Girls are just too cute to possibly win. I have three words for him: 1.) Get; 2.) Over; and 3.) It."
Stonerook erupted when informed of Kerkove's comments. "Superman is Superman! Of course he would win! It's my game! I invented it!!!!!"
Kerkove responded with a roll of his eyes and added, "If you really want to get to the bottom of the whole Kryptonite armor issue, you should just ask Stonerook himself what his whole role in that episode was. He's always hanging out with those raptors. I wouldn't doubt it if he set them up with the armor in the first place."
When asked if he assisted the raptor's in their search for Kryptonite armor, Stonerook declined to comment and summoned Donkey Kong, who literally threw all the reporters out of the room.
Lex Luthor scoffed at Stonerook's pending investigation. "I say bring it on. For now I'll just say that if anyone on that Ethics Panel asks me a question related to Duke Nukem, raptors, Superman, or the Powerpuff Girls, I'll just bring up the name 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and see how Stonerook responds to that," Luthor said with a wink. "Yeah, we've all got skeletons in our closet…I mean, except for Skeletor. If he had skeletons in his closet that would be kind of gross."
Stonerook didn't seem to care about Luthor's threat. "Well, you know, if he wants to bring up that whole Buffy thing…"
Kerkove still can't believe his ears. "First, I just want to judo chop Stonerook in the face like fifty times. Second, when it comes to Buffy, Luthor's got the wrong councilmember," Kerkove added with his own wink. "And third, if you really want to know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, I'd talk to the Chiquita Banana Lady, not Luthor. That Banana Lady…let me tell you, I'd even go so far as putting her on the grassy knoll."

You are reading

TDN
NEWS
online
edition

Tournament of Doom News - Online Edition
SEPTEMBER 2005


SEPTEMBER 2005	VADER KICKS BACK Many think he should 'shove off' as well!
The Freakin' Raptor's Freakin' Q&A Dear Mssr. Raptor, You're so cool. You must hang out with all the big Hollywood names. Who's your favorite celebrity to party with? Yours truly, Rory Pocatello, Idaho Dear Rory, Rorrrrrry! I like your name, Rorrrrrrry! I'm glad you noticed that I'm cool Rorrrrry. The other person who noticed that I'm cool is Diddy. Diddy is my favorite celebrity. Me and Diddy go way back, like to when he used to be called Puff Daddy, but not when he was known as Puffy. The P. Diddy years were kind of shaky. Me and J-Lo never really got along. But now me and Diddy are like mammoths in a tar pit. We both like bling. Bling's the thing. Makes me sing. All that bling. Give it a fling. Eat a chicken wing. The panda's name is Ling-Ling. I play pong-ping. I am the king. The king of ka-ching. Zing-zing-zing. Superkalifragiling. Say the word derfting. I'm rapping like klopving. Speaking of a chicken wing. I want a chicken wing. Chicken wing. Chicken wing. Chicken-chicken-chicken wing. Chicken wing…chicken wing…chicken wing……Rorrrrrrrry! E-mail your questions for the Freakin' Raptor to therollingstone50@hotmail.com. Include the words "Dear Freakin' Raptor" in the heading. Daily Kong by Donkey Kong The Tournament for 2005 has so quickly come and gone. Blood was spilled, buildings were knocked down, and entire islands were decimated in ways unimagined by the human mind. After something like that, all a Tournament fan can do is sit back and let out a long sweet sigh of satisfaction. Admittedly, there was a part of me that secretly longed to participate in the big fights again. Sometimes I think that desire may have subtly manifested itself in my column. However, there was something special about sitting on the sidelines and watching the action go down. After all, who can sit and watch those smug self-righteous dung heaps who call themselves heroes finally get the beating that they so deserve without feeling the corners of his mouth tugged into a knowing smile. That, dear readers, is almost as satisfying as long fought victory in the ring. But though the dust has settled and a new champion has been crowned, talk has already begun of next year's fights. Where can the Tournament of Doom go at this point? How can the council hope to top the shear ferocity and magnitude of this year's matches again? Well, I can only speculate, but I'm sure they will find a way to work in a giant super-powered gorilla who can destroy hyper-active little plumbers with flying wooden barrels into the mix. After all, what else better embodies the spirit of the Tournament? Oh. Right. There is that stupid raptor, but he's really more of a mascot, right? That aside, I look forward to sharing my uplifting and fairly balanced viewpoints once more this year in my column. I will tip my hat to past fighters, and well as delving into the possibilities of the new. Thank you for reading and for acknowledging my superiority. You are reading TDN NEWS online edition	An increasing number of Tournament of Doom fans are expressing outrage over TOD Chairman Darth Vader's recent extended absence from his post. Following the conclusion of this summer's Tournament of Doom IV: The Clobbernating, Vader returned to his desolate homeland of Tatooine for a five-week vacation. In his absence, much of the necessary post-competition clean-up work has not been finished. Many residents of New York City have grown impatient with the TOD's rebuilding effort following the demolition of their apartment buildings by the Incredible Hulk during the final fights. Also, many TOD employees quit coming to work when they did not receive their monthly paycheck. One of Vader's strongest critics has been Thor, who railed against the Sith Lord's management of the TOD budget. "Without Vader's feared presence, no one in the treasurer's office is doing their job. I saw a couple of polar bears walk out of the treasurer's office the other day with multiple bags of cash. And while I know [TOD votecounter/treasurer] the Count is good at accounting, without Vader around to keep him on task he just runs around counting things like paperclips, bumblebees, and Bumblebee."	Thor contrasted Vader's leadership skills with his own. "I help my father [Norse god Odin] run the entire affairs of an afterworld. It's quite the endeavor making sure everyone-even the gods-are keeping their checkbooks balanced, so you can imagine what it's like to deal with mere super-powered humans and supernatural marshmallow men. Vader's just dropping the hammer on this one." Stormtrooper 492, Vader's press secretary, addressed the media at Vader's Tatooine ranch following Thor's comments. "Vader is in complete control of the Tournament of Doom. He has a direct line of contact with TOD operations on Earth. And on top of that, Thor is downright crazy. Now if you'll excuse me, I am joining Lord Vader to watch the pod races." Before leaving Earth, Vader placed two orangutans from the San Diego Zoo in charge of overseeing TOD operations during the month of August. This move has not sat well with some members of the TOD community. "I know they have opposable thumbs and all," said a clearly disgruntled Elastigirl, "but all I see them do all day is pick flies off one another's backs." Others had a different point of view. "Frankly, I think the TOD's been run as well as it ever has during the month of August," said 2004 competitor Dr. Doom. "The primates do a better job than Vader. In fact, I wish Vader would stay on Tatooine. I prefer the monkeys." The orangutans had no comments. Vader and his honeys relax off planet
	Lex Luthor's Legitimacy Lost? Lex Luthor is under investigation by the TOD Ethics Panel for possibly rigging a number of TOD fights over the past two years. Councilmember Jason Stonerook, who also serves as the chairman of the Ethics Panel, launched the inquiry. "Luthor's name repeatedly appears at the center of a number of suspicious events regarding the Tournament of Doom," Stonerook said. "I'm all for meddling, but Luthor's shenanigans may extend beyond meddling into the reprehensible realm of devious chicanery. And in my book, deviousness and chicanery just don't belong together." Stonerook and the Ethics Panel-consisting of Bowser, Skeletor, the Joker and Harley Quinn, Maleficent, Godzilla, and the Trix Rabbit-are investigating four particular incidents related to Luthor. The first involves Luthor's improbable win in Tournament of Doom III: The Explodening over Duke Nukem. "Luther entered the ring unarmed while Nukem brought in firearms whose might the world had never seen. Yet somehow the unarmed man defeated a person with the firepower of a well-armed battalion at his disposal. How did this happen?" The second involves the acquisition of Kryptonite armor by five raptors entered in this past year's TOD. "Who supplied the raptors with that armor, and what was their purpose? Why Kryptonite armor and not, say, armor made of iron?" The third incident involves Superman's improbable loss to the Powerpuff Girls in this year's Final Four. "I'm still perplexed by this turn of events. His name is Superman. There is no way he could have lost! We're reviewing tapes of the fight right now, and let me say, there is significant evidence to suggest the Powerpuff Girls had some 'outside help.' I'll just leave it at that for now." Finally, Stonerook is investigating Luthor's long pattern of chicanery over the past half-century. "I'll just ask the question straight out: Luthor-What'd you do with Jimmy Hoffa?" Councilmember Eric Kerkove bristles at Stonerook's accusations. "Stoney's an idiot. He's still miffed Superman lost. He's a raving lunatic, walking around telling anyone he runs into that the Powerpuff Girls are just too cute to possibly win. I have three words for him: 1.) Get; 2.) Over; and 3.) It." Stonerook erupted when informed of Kerkove's comments. "Superman is Superman! Of course he would win! It's my game! I invented it!!!!!" Kerkove responded with a roll of his eyes and added, "If you really want to get to the bottom of the whole Kryptonite armor issue, you should just ask Stonerook himself what his whole role in that episode was. He's always hanging out with those raptors. I wouldn't doubt it if he set them up with the armor in the first place." When asked if he assisted the raptor's in their search for Kryptonite armor, Stonerook declined to comment and summoned Donkey Kong, who literally threw all the reporters out of the room. Lex Luthor scoffed at Stonerook's pending investigation. "I say bring it on. For now I'll just say that if anyone on that Ethics Panel asks me a question related to Duke Nukem, raptors, Superman, or the Powerpuff Girls, I'll just bring up the name 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and see how Stonerook responds to that," Luthor said with a wink. "Yeah, we've all got skeletons in our closet…I mean, except for Skeletor. If he had skeletons in his closet that would be kind of gross." Stonerook didn't seem to care about Luthor's threat. "Well, you know, if he wants to bring up that whole Buffy thing…" Kerkove still can't believe his ears. "First, I just want to judo chop Stonerook in the face like fifty times. Second, when it comes to Buffy, Luthor's got the wrong councilmember," Kerkove added with his own wink. "And third, if you really want to know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa, I'd talk to the Chiquita Banana Lady, not Luthor. That Banana Lady…let me tell you, I'd even go so far as putting her on the grassy knoll."		You are reading TDN NEWS online edition
	Tournament of Doom News - Online Edition SEPTEMBER 2005
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