TDN Online Edition 02

Octopus paddles his opponent

MARVIN OUSTED AS
MARTIAN LIBRARIAN

Citing "gross incompetence," the nine-member library board of the planet Mars voted unanimously yesterday to fire their executive director, Marvin the Martian.
"After four years, Marvin has failed miserably as executive director," said board member Carrie the Martian. "He stubbornly refuses to admit mistakes he's made in cataloguing books. He says he follows the Dewey Decimal System, but we've got fiction books stacked with the non-fiction books. That's the basic difference in books-one kind contains facts, the other kind contains imaginary stories-and he can't tell them apart! There's no rhyme or reason to what he's doing."
Board member Edward the Martian claimed Marvin mismanaged the library's finances. "Before Marvin took over, the library's budget was in good shape. Then all the sudden he lowers the fines for overdue books and jacks up spending on periodical subscriptions. Now the library is in debt. We've never run deficits this large before, not even when his uncle Ronald the Martian ran the library twenty years ago."
Marvin's most outrageous act may have been his assault on Mars' Museum of Art. "Marvin told all the librarians that he knew the executive director of the Art Museum was stockpiling a bunch of ray guns that they might use in an attack on the library," said board member Howard the Martian. "The librarians-especially those Goofy Old Purple librarians-believed him, so they helped Marvin invade the Museum of Art. Once they captured the museum, though, they couldn't find any ray guns! In the meantime, as Marvin tried to get the museum back on its feet, the curators of the museum-who Marvin thought were on his side-started attacking the librarians."
Board member Michael the Martian conducted an investigation into Marvin's activities after taking over the Museum of Art. "The art museum may be in chaos but Marvin's buddy Dick the Martian is doing just fine. Dick is selling some of the works of art in the museum to an old company he used to work for. Dick is making millions while the museum suffers."
Carrie the Martian says she would bring in other institutions on Mars to help fix the problem in the Museum of Art. "I'd go to the Park Board, the Public Transportation Board, the School Board, the entire Martian community, and ask them to help bring stability back to the art museum. Marvin only got the help of the Science Center and sure, they're protecting the Post-Impressionist wing of the museum, but that's only about 10% of the museum. We need more help."
Carrie summarized the board's grievances with Marvin. "If you're the executive director of the library and you're this disconnected from reality, if you've plunged us into debt, if you've invaded another institution on false premises and mismanaged the occupation of that institution, and if your actions have resulted in loss of prestige around the planet, then you deserve to be fired [as executive director of the library.]"
When approached for comment, Marvin bumbled a response then whimpered, "But it's hard work."

"Mission accomplished?"


NOVEMBER 2004	Doc Ock Calls Crime Foul, Serves up Ping Pong Instead
The Raptor's Freakin' Fightin' Tips!!! If you're in close quarters combat and your opponent has your arms and legs wrapped up, try spitting at him. Such a move may distract your competitor for a brief moment and allow you to gain the upper hand. If possible, work up a really big lougie and aim it at his eyes; with luck, the thick slobber will coat his eye sockets and obscure his vision, giving you the opportunity to attack with a decisive deathblow! NOTE: This move is highly recommended if you have venomous spit. Raaaaaagghh!" Daily Kong by Donkey Kong So you're thinking that you are so clean and fresh smelling that the judges can't help but accept your as a combatant? Not yet! The next step is establishing a gimmick. Something that will set you apart from the other fighters. If you aren't naturally odd looking or freakishly skilled I recommend extreme body mutilation. I have always been impressed by people who have cut off parts of their body and then sewn them to their foreheads. If that isn't your cup of tea, perhaps you could replace your hands with salad tongs for a "crab-man" appearance. What ever you choose, be original!	Spider-Man arch-nemesis Doctor Octopus has announced he is trading in his life of crime for a new career playing ping-pong. "It's a simple calculation, really," said Octopus. "I've spent most of my adult life aiming for that one big bank heist that will make me a millionaire. Yet today's celebrity athletes make triple the amount of money I could make in one robbery through a shoe endorsement. Why risk my unique talents in a dangerous life of crime when I could gain more profits in the wide world of sports?" After his revelation, Octopus dedicated himself to the game of ping-pong. "I'm particularly well-suited to play ping-pong, or 'table tennis' as us pros call it," said Octopus, who has not lost a point in 68 competitions. "My extra metal arms bring a whole new dynamic to the game. Table tennis has never been more exciting." Spider-Man is elated to find Dr. Octopus putting his talents to good use. "He was never a really successful villain," Spidey remarked. "I constantly foiled his schemes. Eventually he became so obsessed with preventing me from interfering with his plans that he lost track of what he was really in a life of crime for, which was easy money. Now he's putting his potential as an upstanding citizen to good use." After only three months on the pro ping-pong circuit, Octopus has already acquired over $500,000 in endorsement deals with various table tennis equipment companies. Another deal with Wheaties valued at over $1 million is reportedly in negotiations, and he has filmed numerous spots for Chevy trucks. Octopus hopes to have a line of apparel in stores by the end of the year. "Some people said, 'Doc Ock, you'll never make a living in table tennis. It's not a major sport.' But I said, 'No, I'll put table tennis on the map. I'll make it bigger than NASCAR.' We're almost there." Octopus' competitors in table tennis have mixed feelings about his entry into the sport. "He definitely has a knack for the game," said Hu Xintou of China, 2004 table tennis Olympic gold medallist. "But while he brings a lot of attention to the game, I don't know if he's good for the game." Hu cites Octopus' practice of stretching his arms up to the net to immediately deflect opposing serves as a potentially unfair advantage. "On a couple of occasions-especially when he serves-one of his metal arms has reached across the playing space and flung his opponent against the back wall. We think that might be cheating. Some of us are considering an appeal." Octopus has inspired other famous villains to give up crime and pursue a career in pro sports. Catwoman has taken up gymnastics and has started training with Mary Lou Retton. Bullseye has signed a five-year contract with the New York Knicks, a team looking to improve their outside shooting. Meanwhile, Dr. Octopus is enjoying his new-found wealth. "Crime is dangerous," Octopus commented from his new 87-room mansion in Miami. "It's a lot of work for little reward coupled with possible jail time. But why strive for world domination when I can dominate the world of ping pong? I've found it's the little things in life that really matter."	Octopus paddles his opponent MARVIN OUSTED AS MARTIAN LIBRARIAN Citing "gross incompetence," the nine-member library board of the planet Mars voted unanimously yesterday to fire their executive director, Marvin the Martian. "After four years, Marvin has failed miserably as executive director," said board member Carrie the Martian. "He stubbornly refuses to admit mistakes he's made in cataloguing books. He says he follows the Dewey Decimal System, but we've got fiction books stacked with the non-fiction books. That's the basic difference in books-one kind contains facts, the other kind contains imaginary stories-and he can't tell them apart! There's no rhyme or reason to what he's doing." Board member Edward the Martian claimed Marvin mismanaged the library's finances. "Before Marvin took over, the library's budget was in good shape. Then all the sudden he lowers the fines for overdue books and jacks up spending on periodical subscriptions. Now the library is in debt. We've never run deficits this large before, not even when his uncle Ronald the Martian ran the library twenty years ago." Marvin's most outrageous act may have been his assault on Mars' Museum of Art. "Marvin told all the librarians that he knew the executive director of the Art Museum was stockpiling a bunch of ray guns that they might use in an attack on the library," said board member Howard the Martian. "The librarians-especially those Goofy Old Purple librarians-believed him, so they helped Marvin invade the Museum of Art. Once they captured the museum, though, they couldn't find any ray guns! In the meantime, as Marvin tried to get the museum back on its feet, the curators of the museum-who Marvin thought were on his side-started attacking the librarians." Board member Michael the Martian conducted an investigation into Marvin's activities after taking over the Museum of Art. "The art museum may be in chaos but Marvin's buddy Dick the Martian is doing just fine. Dick is selling some of the works of art in the museum to an old company he used to work for. Dick is making millions while the museum suffers." Carrie the Martian says she would bring in other institutions on Mars to help fix the problem in the Museum of Art. "I'd go to the Park Board, the Public Transportation Board, the School Board, the entire Martian community, and ask them to help bring stability back to the art museum. Marvin only got the help of the Science Center and sure, they're protecting the Post-Impressionist wing of the museum, but that's only about 10% of the museum. We need more help." Carrie summarized the board's grievances with Marvin. "If you're the executive director of the library and you're this disconnected from reality, if you've plunged us into debt, if you've invaded another institution on false premises and mismanaged the occupation of that institution, and if your actions have resulted in loss of prestige around the planet, then you deserve to be fired [as executive director of the library.]" When approached for comment, Marvin bumbled a response then whimpered, "But it's hard work." "Mission accomplished?"
	TOURNAMENT A BIG FARCE? A small group of individuals (i.e. filthy peasant rabble) has distinguished itself by declaring the Tournament of Doom as a "sadistic farce" intended to "pacify a bloodthirsty crowd" more than to demonstrate any level of skill or sportsman like behavior. TDN took these accusations seriously, and we immediately dropped our Nintendo controllers to set out on a quest to explore this topic in a commercially viable way. Unfortunately Lord Vader, the greatest Tournament champion and general historian, was away for Botox injections and was unavailable for comment. We were able to speak with his secretary, however, who agreed that the protesters had very accurately portrayed the tournament and promptly made a call to have a fruit basket delivered to them in thanks for the free publicity. Thus the quest for truth comes to an abrupt end.		Freakish protesters nay-saying the Tournament
	Tournament of Doom News - Online Edition October 2004
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