Yoda's request to participate in the 2005 Tournament of Doom has been denied by the Tournament of Doom Council.

Storm, the 2004 TOD winner, made the announcement as chairwoman of the 2005 TOD. "It is the estimation of both myself and the Council that Yoda is far too powerful to take part in the Tournament of Doom. Yoda's defensive skills would make it impossible for any opponent to harm him, while his offensive ability far surpasses any other competitor who has ever been included in the Tournament."

Yoda did not take the news well. "A bunch of poodoo that is. Shove it the Council can."

Last month Yoda petitioned the Council to allow him to participate in the TOD. As the person charged with training those who win the Tournament of Doom for action in the following year's tournament, Yoda has grown frustrated with his students' lack of success in the Tournament. His exasperation peaked this year as he trained Loren H., compelling him to ask the Council to enter the arena alongside his young Padawan learner.

Yoda suspects greater forces are responsible for the Council's denial.

"Jealousy and fear, powerful forces are they! Lure people to the Dark Side, they will. The TOD hero Vader is, but fear does he that I would surpass him in the hearts of fans. Control the Council does Vader. The bidding of Vader the Council does! This I suspect, but hard to see the Dark Side is."

Darth Vader, the 2002 TOD winner and ex officio TOD chairman, laughed off Yoda's accusations. "That little green booger is out of his mind.

Yoda is throwing around some hefty claims

He hasn't even considered the possibility that the Council is keeping him out of the TOD because he's too old and weak. He's something like 800 years old and looks like a muppet! He should just crawl back into his little hut on Dagobah."

Tournament of Doom councilmembers, who are responsible for selecting the TOD field, denied Yoda's suggestion that Vader is influencing the selection of competitors.

"The TOD selection process is an open and fair process," said councilmember Jason Stonerook. "It has never been corrupted by the inappropriate influence of an outside voice. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a flight to catch to a Caribbean resort." Stonerook then went into his garage, hopped on a shiny new Imperial speederbike, and shot off down the street.

Councilmember Eric Kerkove echoed Stonerook's claims. "The TOD selection process is conducted with the utmost integrity." Kerkove's mood changed, however, when alerted to Stonerook's speederbike. "He's got a speederbike! How'd he get one of those? And to think I got stuck with this!" Kerkove said, pointing to a poorly hidden AT-AT in his backyard.

Yoda has not given up his crusade yet. "Participate in the 2005 TOD, I will." To be continued…

Does the Tournament Tolerate
Performance Enhancing Fruit Drinks?

Council Member Zick watches over the fiasco

The Gummi Bears were summoned before the Tournament of Doom Council today to testify about their potential use of a performance-enhancing juice in the TOD.

The Council decided to call the hearing following accusations from Duke Igthorn that the Gummi Bears were using an elusive drink called "gummiberry juice" to enhance their jumping ability.

"Any bear that I've ever known can only jump about six inches off the ground," said Igthorn. "But I've seen these Gummi Bears ingest this juice and then bounce over trees, streams, and castle walls."

Councilmember Tim Zick wondered if normal bears actually did possess such an astounding bouncing ability.

Igthorn said no and offered a demonstration to prove his point. "If bears really could bounce, then any bear dropped from any height should bounce. I have arranged this experiment to prove this is simply not true."

Igthorn's henchman Toadie then climbed on top of the witness table with Winnie the Pooh. Toadie pushed Pooh over the edge. Pooh fell to the ground but did not bounce.

"See, no bouncing," said Igthorn.

Toadie then dragged a black bear cub onto the witness table, where it playfully rolled around the table and pawed at a foam ball provided for its amusement. The crowd 'ooed and awed' at the sight of the cub. "This bear also should not bounce if dropped to the ground," said Igthorn.

Toadie then pushed the bear cub over the side of the table. It landed on the ground with a thud, then, clearly enraged, sprung back up and mauled the unsuspecting Toadie.

Councilmember Zick was impressed by how the bear cub leapt back onto the table. "That was quite the jump," said the congressman, "and it wasn't drinking any gummiberry juice."

Igthorn responded by saying it did not jump very high. "The Gummi Bears use gummiberry juice to bounce over cottages. Watch what happens to Winnie the Pooh when I feed it some of the juice. He'll be bouncing all over the room."

As the bear cub dragged a screaming Toadie out of the hearing room, Igthorn emptied a flask of gummiberry juice into Pooh's mouth. Pooh stood up, stumbled a bit, and then collapsed onto the ground with a thud.

"That bear didn't bounce at all," said Zick. "In fact, I think you've made him sick."

An exasperated Igthorn threw his hands up into the air and marched out of the hearing room. Winnie the Pooh's fur then changed color to an unsettling green.

Each of the Gummi Bears (Zummi, Grammi, Gruffi, Tummi, Sunni, and Cubbi) testified next. "Have you ever used Gummiberry juice to enhance your bouncing ability?" asked Zick

Each answered yes. "What did you expect?" said Zummi Gummi. "How else do you think we were able to bounce over all those walls?"

"You know, that makes a lot of sense," responded Zick.