Hey you knuckleheads! It’s the Raptor!!!!! Ta-Daaa!! First, a shout-out to all a’ m’boy-ees!!—Derrek Lee, Oscar Winner George Clooney, Bruce Da Boss, Michael Wilbon, and MY American Idol Taylor Hicks! They’re m’boys!! (If you would like to be one of the Freakin’ Raptors’ Boys, send an e-mail to raptor@todnet.com. Don’t expect a reply.)

Welcome to my special edition of the Freakin’ Raptor’s Freakin’ Q&A. Here’s what happened. So I was surfing the net the other night (literally—the Incredible Hulk doesn’t appreciate it when you jump up and down on his computer with a surfboard) when I came across this thing called March Madness. I didn’t think much of it but it sounded crazy so I checked it out. The screen popped up and I was like WOOOWOWOOWWOOW-OWOW! It was a BRACKET! And you know how I get around BRACKETS! I started salivating and eating things. I ate a printer. The Hulk didn’t appreciate that either. Actually, neither did I—those ink cartridges hurt my tummy.

So I checked these brackets out and learned that every March these schools get together and fight each other to the death to determine a winner like how the Tournament of Doom works. And on top of that, everyone around the country gets into pools and picks who they think is going to win. Just like the Tournament of Doom!!! I wanted to play so I grabbed the computer and threw it into a pool too. The Hulk didn’t like that at all, especially since he was in the pool when I threw it on top of his head and also because it was still plugged, but once it was submerged it made it a whole lot easier to surf on. And it was sparky. But the computer didn’t work then. So I threw another computer into the pool. That one missed the Hulk (but I did plug it in ‘cause the sparks were pretty funny the first time.) That computer also failed to work. Then Aquaman told me I can’t get computers wet. So I stole Strong Bad’s computer and gave it to the Hulk. That one works and I can use it to get into the quote-unquote “pools.”

I am an expert bracketologist (I have a degree from TOD University in the field) so all you amateur bracketologists out there listen up. If you follow my advice, you’re sure to win your March Madness Pool this March.

Picking teams is simple: Just look at who the schools are sending to fight in the match, and then pick the competitor who would beat the other one in a fight to the death. For example, there’s this one fight between the Wisconsin Badgers and the Arizona Wildcats. I’d pay good money to see a fight between five badgers and five Wildcats, especially if the Badgers and the Wildcats are from Wisconsin and Arizona respectively. But you’ve got to give the edge to the Wildcats, mainly because of their agility. I wouldn’t doubt it though if a few of those Badgers took down some Wildcats along the way.

So here’s my analysis of the opening round fights, broken down into best fights, lamest fights, and weirdo fights. Then I’ll pick my final four and eventual national champion. Take careful notes.

BEST FIGHTS

South Alabama Jaguars vs. Florida Gators—Now Jaguars are sneaky and all but I don’t think they’ll have the strength to deliver enough blows on an alligator before one of those reptiles digs their jaws in, so I have to go with the Gators.

Montana Grizzlies vs. Nevada Wolfpack—Grizzly bears are way stronger than a bunch of wolves, but the wolves are used to working together. They’re in a pack, so they’ll read each other like butter, or something like that. Still, I think the bears are too strong. I pick the Grizzlies.

Xavier Musketeers vs. Gonzaga Bulldogs—Men with swords and plumes in their hats vs. feisty bulldogs with spiky collars. This is gonna be a rumble, especially if the bulldogs get nutso with their teeths. I give the advantage to the Musketeers, however.

Iona Gaels vs. LSU Tigers—I thought this was going to be a blowout until I learned the Gaels were a bunch of Irishmen. You know how they are in brawls! But Tigers hunt people for food in some parts of the world and the Irish only really have experience fighting leprechauns. Advantage: Tigers.

Belmont Bruins vs. UCLA Bruins—Whoa! Bruins vs. bruins! And I don’t even now what a bruin is. I looked at their team pictures. The Belmont Bruins are apparently a bunch of bears. The UCLA Bruins look like random letters with a swoosh. In a fight between bears and the alphabet, I pick the bears.

Seton Hall Pirates vs. Wichita State Shockers—This one could go either way. Pirates are good at buckling swash. Shockers are good at electrocuting people. My instinct says, “Follow the Pikachu rule,” so I pick the Shockers.

LAMEST FIGHTS

Winthrop Eagles vs. Tennessee Volunteers—Who sends volunteers into a fight if you want to win? Maybe the Care Bears. I’m calling the Eagles.

Murray State Racers vs. North Carolina Tar Heels—Neither sounds ferocious, but this is actually pretty simple. Racers are fast, Tar Heels are slow. And, frankly, they’re heels. Racers will win.

Alabama-Birmingham Blazers vs. Kentucky Wildcats—Mean felines vs. a handful of inanimate suit coats. Haven’t seen a killing like this since Paris Hilton was in the TOD. Wildcats triumph.

Davidson Wildcats vs. Ohio State Buckeyes—Isn’t a Buckeye a seed? The only question is whether or not a carnivore would be interested in eating the thing. Pick the wildcats.

WEIRDO FIGHTS

Pennsylvania Quakers vs. Texas Longhorns—OK, so Quakers are non-violent so they can’t win, and a longhorn is just a…really long horn. So I guess they’ll just look at each other until one of the officials realizes the longhorn was always dead to begin with. (This is why Stonerook has never put a rock in the Tournament of Doom.)

Wisconsin-Milwaukee Panthers vs. Oklahoma Sooners—I suppose it’s better to be a sooner rather than a later, although I bet whatever a sooner is will wish it had been a later after a panther gets through with them.

Alabama Crimson Tide vs. Marquette Golden Eagles—Oooo, a slowly encroaching red wave of water. I’m scared. The Eagles should win, talons down, and they’re golden to boot. (I wish I was golden…)

San Diego State Aztecs vs. Indiana Hoosiers—What’s a Hoosier? Sounds like a mean prank involving a bully, a school bus, and someone’s underwear.

Northern Iowa Panthers vs. Georgetown Hoyas—And what’s a Hoya? What would happen if a Hoosier fought a Hoya? I can’t even comprehend that. UNI should triumph.

Southern Illinois Salukis vs. West Virginia Mountaineers—Honestly, I have little respect for mountaineers. They’re only good at fighting large, imposing walls of rock. But Salukis? Whatever it is, I hope I get to fight one this summer. As long as it isn’t some kind of leech.

Kent State Golden Flashes vs. Pittsburgh Panthers—I’m pretty sure that one’s obscene.

Texas A&M Aggies vs. Syracuse Orange—??? How does a color even fight? And I think that first thing needs a few more…letters. The weird thing is that one of these things is going to be declared a winner.