Hilarious Jokes Part V

Time to Fly

Judi calls the Delta Airlines and asks, "Hi, can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York city?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute . . . "

"Thank you," Judi says and hangs up.

Police Job

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a boAj
went in to try out for the job.

After a series of questions that the boAj did not do
very well on, the sheriff asked in desperation one
final question:

"Now boAj, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The boAj looked a little surprised himself, then thought
really hard for a minute and finally admitted,
"I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a
while?"

So, the boAj wandered over to the barbershop where his
pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The boAj was exultant. "It went great!
First day on the job and I'm already
working on a murder case!"

Talks too much

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a
smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much
in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may
break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would
like to try it out on her mother."

Dumb Blonde

At a convention of blondes, a speaker insisted that the "dumb
blonde " myth is all wrong. To prove it he asked one cute
young volunteer, "How much is 101 plus 20?"
The blonde answered, "120"
"No," he said," that's not right"
The audience called out, " Give her another chance."
So the speaker asked the blonde, "How much is 10 plus 13?"
Slowly the blonde replied, "16."
"Sorry", he said, shaking his head.
Once again the crowd roared, "Give her another chance."
"This is your last try," warned the speaker. "How much is
2 plus 2 ?"
Carefully she ventured, "Four?"
And the crowd yelled, " Give her another chance!"

Everybody, Somebody, Nobody & Anybody

Once upon a time, there were four people;

Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was
Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized
that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done in the first place.

On Marriage: One-Liners

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

What's the differeence between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The
other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife
did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.

Read Fun At Beach
Read Fun At Park
Take World's Simplest Quiz
Read Jokes Part I
Read Jokes Part II
Read Jokes Part III
Read Jokes Part IV
Read Jokes Part V