Hilarious Jokes Part III

Delivering Speech

Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following, "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here."

The Greatest Poet

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"

The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Wordsworth. I thought you were long dead."

Recommendation Letter

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk.

It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Roof for night

A man is recently separated from his wife, and gets drunk. It's the dead of winter and he staggers to their house and starts pounding on the door.

After about fifteen minutes, she finally opens a window and asks what he wants.

"Honey! I'm half froze, can't I stay here tonight?"
"Yes, of course. I thought you wanted to come in!"

The Hard Job

Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed."

His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married ?"

As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married!!"

No Smoking Please

David was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.

A lady said to him with a snarl, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.'
David said, "I'm not smoking lady."

"But you have a cigar in your mouth," the woman said.
"Lady, David answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse.' "

Marrying A man?

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman."

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."

Michael Johnson

Michael Johnson, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends.

At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here - no denim."

Michael was quite annoyed at this and retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Michael Johnson."

"Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied the bouncer.

Pending Bills

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.

The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Tough Climbing

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

BLIND??

I'm a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.

Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."

Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"

Testing Mental Deficiency

Dr Gordon was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," Dr Gordon replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question?" asked the hostess.
"Well, you might ask him, Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?´ "

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn´t haappen to have another example would you? I must confess I don´t know much about history."

Read Fun At Beach

Read Fun At Park

Take World's Simplest Quiz

Read Jokes Part I

Read Jokes Part II

Read Jokes Part III

Read Jokes Part IV

Read Jokes Part V