Super Granny Defender of Justice (True Story)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car, you scum bags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Ah, senior moments!

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There were two twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible." Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"
The old woman fainted.

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A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.
A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?"
The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."
"Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."
A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"
She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em."
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an elderly woman walked into the head branch of the chase Manhattan bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. she told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. she said that first though, she wishes to meet the president of chase Manhattan bank due to the amount of money involved. the teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request, and after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. the woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. the bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "was it an inheritance?" he asked. "no," she answered. "was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "no," she replied. he was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come into $3 million. "I bet," she started. "as in horses?" he asked "no," she replied. "I bet people." seeing his confusion, she explained that she bet on different things with people. all of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 tomorrow morning your balls will be square." the bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take up on the bet. he didn't know how he could lose. for the rest of the day he was very careful. he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances -- there was $25,000 at stake. when he got up the next morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. there was no difference in his scrotal appearance. he looked the same as he always had. he went to work and waited for the woman to come in at ten o'clock, humming as he went. he knew this would be a lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? at ten o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office, with her was a man. when the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. 'well' she asked, "what about out bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied. "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." the elderly seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. the bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers, she instructed him to bend over, and then she grabbed hold of him. sure enough, everything was fine. his balls were not square. the bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "what's wrong with him?" he inquired. "oh him," she answered. "I bet him $1,000,000 that by ten o'clock this morning, I'd have the president of chase Manhattan bank by the balls."
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An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on,Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN,BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!"

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little old woman Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!"
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Tell it as it is......

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a small junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with. . . . . .

Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the Memphis County home for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your gift especially welcome.

My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her.
She listens to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.

Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It was so sad. Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine. Thanks to you I was able to tell her to go fuck herself. God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.

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This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting
on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of
those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting
on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old
thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
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70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. Ethel, he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, no! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

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A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening.They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.
You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly napkin the young man could stand it no longer.
Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered...
"The teeth".
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