Home Page

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked. Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer. For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior." John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued... "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.
The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game.
Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.
Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six-month sick leave, on full pay.
***************************************************************************************

A classic!
A rich white guy decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited a few of his buddies. He also invited Leroy, the only black guest at the party. He held the party in the backyard of his mansion.
Everybody was having a good time drinking, dancing, talking to the ladies. At the height of the party, the rich white guy said,"
I have a man-eating alligator in my pool and I will give anyone a million dollars if he is man enough to jump in." All of a sudden there a loud splash and eveyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
HE WAS FIGHTING THE ALLIGATOR AND KICKING IT'S ASS.
He was doing head butts,jabs,chokeholds, all kinds of shit. Water was splashing, the alligator screaming...Leroy finally strangled the alligator and it sunk to the bottom. Leroy then slowly got out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him. The rich white guy said, "
Damn......I guess I owe you a million dollars..." Leroy said," No, that's okay." The rich white guy said," Man, I have to give you something, you won the How about half a million?" The brother said no. The rich white guy said" Come on, I insist on giving you something how about stock options a Rolex maybe a Porsche? Again, Brotherman said "No". The the confused rich white guy said, "Well Leroy, what do you want?"
Leroy growled," I just want the motherfacka who pushed me in the pool!"
******************************************************************************

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist.
"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained
the waiter. "They are the delicacy of our country."
The tourist gulped, but tasted the dish anyway, and found it
delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.
After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter,
"Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, sir," said the waiter. "You see, the bull, he does not always
lose."
*******************************************************************

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being tepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on.
When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.
Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.
And don't forget guests.