Mental Patients John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while were walking passed the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the and pulled John out.
The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.
The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died."
David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

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A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!!' The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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While visiting a friend in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was was wearing a little apple jewelry pin. I stopped one and asked her what the pin signified. "It's just to keep the doctors away," she said with a smile

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Answering Machine At The Mental Hospital "Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the Line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.

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