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When a woman reported her husband missing, the officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him my mother isn't visiting after all."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Bill as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes.

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE, CHEN LEE.
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This actually IS true! It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University: It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes......... Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex............. with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of Minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"......... He turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said,......... "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard "Priceless" commercials out of this? Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests.... $32,000 Photographers for the wedding .... $3,000 Deluxe Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks....$8,500 The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man Having sex ............. Priceless!

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie?...LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR ******* IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him were over 200 men walking single file. The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the guy walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."

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The Dress The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently >> > married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because HE will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.
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A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs to her husband, "Harry, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my god! No shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the Fuck out!"
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," laughs the man.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."
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On News Years Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the
house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna
be here any minute. Go and put something on."
"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your
husband..."
"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that
there's nothing that I should feed you for."
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MEETING SATAN A few minutes before the services started, the towns people weresitting their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his Pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find
his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.
"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend
this time?"
"$100," answers the man.
"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in
one night!"
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't
drink, and you have your own pussy."
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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa." The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died.
Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our front porch."

Beer Bottles A man and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new wife told the man "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage he honored her request and never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the box he found 3 empty beer bottles and $187.25 in small bills. He closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the box, curiosity was doubled as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant.
After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and confessed, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just too much. I gave in and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The woman thought for a while and answered "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The man was stunned and said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess during those years when I traveled away from home on business temptation would happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the man asked his wife, "What about all that money in the box?" To which she answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."