Thoughts about Places
Dubai, 2000
How They Serve The Ham in Hawaii
The Hong Kong Diaries

Thoughts Without Boundaries
Last Thoughts of 2000
Thinking About Pakistan
Women's Day - The Sad Truth
Oh Hansie
The Rain
The Rose and the Desert
Cup of Memories
Truth & Freedom - Moments On A Crowded Planet
Signs. But Of What??

Thoughts of love & longing
Camilia
The BlueGrass and The Blood
Smile, Gone, Trust, Friend
The Beginning
The End
The Death
Without You
You Made Me Feel
The Morning
Coffee Machine Blues

Yesterday I solved a mystery.

For the past 2 days, at the entrance of the lane to my house, I've been noticing this row of stones menacingly stretched across the road. Leaving enough space for a car to go through but ominously barricading the road nonetheless. It's been on my mind. Yesterday, while driving out, I tried going the other way, and discovered that the entire road has been dug up and that the other end is unusable. Which triggered 2 thoughts in my head. First, that it was the reason for the stones at the beginning - to warn people. Second - this is an ideal plot for a M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Yes, I admit it, I saw "Signs."

They say MNight is a genius who's a combination of Hitchcock and Spielberg. That may be so, but sadly, not the better parts of either.

Ok, I'm not analyzing M Night Shyamalan here. I hardly know the guy, or why he spells "Night" in the middle of his name. And anyway, they always tell you that in an appraisal, you never evaluate the person, just his performance.

On, then, to "Signs".

Oh, before, I get there, a word or two on Bangalore movie halls. Or rather, Bangalore movie goers. This is a rare species known as Homo Ardentus Moviespoilus (HAM for short) described by some salient characteristics.
1. A HAM feels it his his/ her bounden duty to explain all movies to his neighbours in a whisper that can be heard in the next block
2. A HAM feels a movie experience is incomplete without answering the phone at least once during a show
3. A HAM knows that cranky, noisy children of 5 and below are best managed by letting them loose on an unsuspecting bunch of movie goers in the dark

In short, the HAM can make any film a horror movie.

So then, there we were surrounded by HAM's and watching a Hitchcock-Spielberg-MNight (HSM) film. One of the classic techniques employed by HSM is that of slowing down time. He pans across the room slowly, with 2 children eating breakfast in the center of the room. The camera comes to rest on a dark corner of the wall. The breathing and chomping are the only loud noises. The chilling, mood music kicks in, the camera looks for mystery. The chomping and breathing get louder… the music becomes more urgent…

I can't tell you what happened in that particular scene because I fell asleep. In fact I think I know those last 2 chompings because one of the HAM's updated me from 4 rows back.

OK, OK, lets tell you the plot first (without spoiling the suspense). Aliens attack. They make signs. Ex priest tries to protect his children. In the process he comes to question some of his beliefs about God versus statistical coincidence. There. I've told you the story minus the time dilations and the music.

Having dispensed with that, let me ask some questions, which some of you, hopefully after seeing signs (and consultants, after talking to people who have seen signs) will explain to me.

1. Why do aliens attack only in Midwest America? (although sightings are always across the world in places most Americans cannot point out on a map, like Mexico).
2. More specifically to Signs, why do the aliens look suspiciously like humans? (Apart from the obvious advantage of being able to get a stunt guy in a funny suit)
3. If they can run faster than an athlete and jump on top of buildings, how was Ray Reddy, a mild mannered Indian guy able to trap one of them into a room? And what was the alien doing there? Cutting vegetables?
4. If the aliens can make signs the size of small football fields on farm-lands and find their way from distant galaxies, why can't they get past planks of wood and ordinary locks in the doors and windows?
5. What made them come to this planet? What made them leave? To do woodwork on front doors? (OK I admit this may have been in the parts of the narrative that I slept through).
6. In which part of the civilized world exactly, do the leave accident victims stuck in between a truck and a tree, because "if they pulled the truck away, her body would fall apart"!!!
7. Why does Mel Gibson behave like he's been pulled out of a grave? What exactly does Joaquim Phoenix add to the movie? Why is the whole movie shot in semi-darkness? This, of course, is where we come back to the Night in Shyamalan's name.

I know many of you are going to actually go out and love the movie. I've actually seen reviews where gushing fans are saying that HSM has actually created a new surreal-neo-horror genre. So go ahead and enjoy it. I won't get emotional about it. I can be dispassionate about disowning you. Go out there and see it for yourselves. Signs. It's not like I didn't warn You.

August 2002