For many survivors of abuse asking
for and getting the support and help they need is a sign of weakness. We
are taught from an early age that we shouldbe able
to handle things ourselves. Or we think that the people around us should
know what we need and give it to us. These are some of the lessons
of the past that we need to change because they no longer help us and
even will sabotage our effort to heal.
When I talk about getting support
I mean letting the people around us who could help know that we need them
to listen to us, to hold us, to be there for us, to encourage us, and even
to give us the occasional push in the right direction.
Getting the support we need can also include medical
help of counseling or sometimes self-help groups. It can include
reading about the problems we are facing and finding information to help
us. Exercise programs, courses, writing, artwork, music, spirituality, meditation,
whatever it might be that helps us to focus on dealing with our problems
rather than burying them deep inside.
I think too that many of us are scared to let
people know what we feel like inside. For us it is such a terrible place
and we think that if people know that they will abandon us. Many of us feel
dirty, or stupid, or ugly. We feel hopeless and like losers, weak and pathetic.
Sometimes we think that if we tell somebody or
write it down, it becomes more real and therefore more painful. And it
does. Many are afraid that what we say will be used against us. And sadly
sometimes that happens.
The reality is we are trying to resolve problems
that were created by others. And many of have spent years during the abuse
trying to survive and have spent years since the abuse trying to get on
with our lives. And there are those who have been trying for years to get
the help they need and not found it.. And mostly we have done that in silence.
As scary as speaking out is, it is the only way
out to real healing. We must find ways to put words to experiences and
feelings that have never been spoken about. Some of us need to remember
what happened before we begin to speak.
I read somewhere that therapy is like having open-heart
surgery without the anesthetic
b and we are doing the surgery on ourselves. It’s
painful, tedious, and it takes time. Now no surgeon goes in to do open-heart
surgery alone. He gets the best team to support him that he can find.
If he is going to perform a particular procedure for the first time he
does his research thoroughly. He talks to others who have done the surgery.
He talks to experts in the field. He checks out the library. He goes in
well-prepared. And all the time he is performing the surgery he has other
doctors and nurses to help him along the way. He even has someone appointed
to wipe his brow or scratch his nose when he needs it.
Well you need a team too. A friend, a partner,
a therapist, or other professional. Perhaps a self-help group. An internet
discussion forum or chat group. For some even family can be supports although
for some that is unrealistic. Read everything you can get your hands on.
Use what works for you and ignore the rest.
The same thing that works for one person will
not work for another. Each one of us has to find what works for us. We can
share ideas and techniques. Some will work and others won’t. Don’t be afraid
to experiment. After all the old things don’t work anymore so what do you
have to lose.
And you’re here. You’ve started the process by
coming here to get information. Congratulations.
