Many people find it difficult to determine what constitutes emotional abuse. The media is full of  information about physical and sexual abuse, but emotional abuse seems to be much more difficult to define. A few writers have begun to address this form of abuse,  provide new insight into this form of abusive behavior, and explore the damage caused by it. Most of the information here will be taken from the book, The Emotionally Abused Woman, by Beverly Engel.

"Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased."  (p. 10)

According to Engel, there are ten behaviors that characterize emotional abuse: domination, verbal assaults, abusive expectations, emotional blackmail, unpredictable responses, constant criticism, character assassination, gas lighting, constant chaos, and sexual harassment. Following are brief descriptions of each.

• Domination A dominator needs to control everything. He decides who you talk to, where you go, what you wear, how much money you have, what you do and when. They frequently will use anger or threats to get what they want from you. They have all the rights, you have none (p. 13).
• Verbal Assaults An abuser will use "berating, belittling, criticism, name calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation." (p 14). These assaults induce fear in the victim and passivity.
• Abusive Expectations Many abusers use constant demands to wear down their victim. They require constant attention, emotionally, physically and sexually. Their victim is expected to drop everything and everybody else to meet the immediate demands of the abuser. Since it is impossible to meet ALL of anyone's needs, no matter what the victim does it will not be good enough, resulting in constant criticism (p. 15).
• Emotional Blackmail An abuser uses manipulation and coercion to control their victim. They find it easy to use guilt, fear, or even the victims caring feelings towards him to manipulate situations to get what they want. Threats of ending the relationship or giving the "silent treatment" are forms of emotional blackmail (p. 16).
• Unpredictable Responses To keep his victim constantly on edge, an abuser  will suddenly change his mood or demands. The victim never knows what to expect. When you think he will react one way he will often react just the opposite. This prevents an opportunity for the victim to feel any sense of stability (p. 17).
• Constant Criticism  Through constantly finding fault,  the abuser wears down the ability of the victim to believe she has any worth or ability to think for herself. Over a period of time he is able to convince his victim that she is incapable of managing on her own (p. 17).
• Character Assassination According to Engel character assassination "Occurs when someone constantly blows your mistakes out of proportion; gossips about your past failures and mistakes and tells lies about you; humiliates, criticizes, or makes fun of you in front of others; and discounts your achievements." (p. 17-18).
• Gas lighting This is a technique of trying to make the victim believe she is insane. The victim is told hat things she thought happened, didn't; that things that were said, weren't. An subtle attack is made on the ability of the victim to recall things properly. Her honest or sanity is called into question (p. 18-19).
• Constant Chaos Constant arguments and conflict are used to create chaos and instability. As soon as things are calm individual who are addicted to chaos will instigate a fight to satisfy their inability to live in peace. By doing this they force those around them to live in the same chaos. Eventually everyone becomes uncomfortable with peace and calm (p. 19).
• Sexual Harassment According to Engel Sexual harassment is "whenever a woman is pressured into becoming sexual against her will." (p. 19). Although the term is most frequently used (and legally used) in terms of the workplace, the behaviors involved can be applied to a personal relationship. Sexual harassment includes "sexist jokes, comments on ones body and ones real or imagined sex life, and sexual propositions. It can also include other forms of emotional abuse to coerce a woman to perform sexually.
• Financial Abuse: occurs when money is used to control or limit one person. The victim is expected to account for all expenditures. Money, food, clothes, even medicine can be withheld at the whim of the person holding the bank book. The abuser may always find money for his interests and hobbies but the bills don’t get paid or essentials are not provided. Some abusers will insist the partner stay at home and not be out in the workforce but not acknowledge the work done in the home. If value is seen only through how much money one makes then the person staying at home becomes devalued.

Any one of these on occasion may be used by individuals. However it is the constant use of these behaviors used specifically to get one personal needs met at the expense of the other that are destructive. Victims often feel helpless, guilty, not good enough, like they deserve it. Engel states that "True emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:

• It is constant, as opposed to occasional.
• The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a complaint.
• The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide constructive criticism.
• The person has an overall attitude of disrespect toward you, rather than just not liking something specific that you are doing." (p. 22)

The saddest thing about this type of abuse is that despite the tremendous damage it does to the victims, it is rarely identified as abusive behavior. Many of the victims who have experienced this type of emotional abuse, have been convinced of their inability to function in the world without their partner. They are convinced that they deserve the treatment or that there is nothing they can do to make it right. Some even say, "They only say (or do) that because they love me and want to help me be a better person." Like any victim of mind control techniques, the victim is unable to see the abuse because it has been cloaked in the guise of caring or love. And the victim that believes that this is love, is more at risk for either returning to an abusive relationship or getting into another one after leaving the first. Victims have learned that love hurts. How sad.

There is hope. Many people are learning about emotional abuse, what it is, what its effects are, and how to stop it. Information, support groups and friends, and therapy are helping victims to break the patterns of abuse in their families. By doing this they teach their children that they do not have to tolerate abuse when they grow up, that abuse is not a part of love and that they deserve better.  Many are learning and growing and are eventually able to sustain a healthy non abusive relationship.

(1)  Beverly Engel. (1990) The Emotionally Abused Woman. New York: Ballantine.