Why not have A bit humour! Come on send them in!
Please note some items on this page may be considered unsuitable for children due to mild expletives
Not steam or horse but I could not resist this one:-
 | How many steam rally organisers are required to screw in a light bulb? |
| Just one:- The world revolves around them |
| "Steam Rally Prayer" |
An Aveling driver was staggering out of the beer tent with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored,
"let it be blood!!"
MICROSOFT
SHOULD MAKE CARS, FORD SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.
At
a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated:
“If
Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving twenty-five pound cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon”
In
response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating
the following: “If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be
driving cars with the following characteristics:
1.
For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new
car.
3.
Occasionally, your car would die on the motorway for no reason, and you would
accept this, restart, and drive on.
4.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.
5.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car98’ or
‘CarNT.’ Then you would have
to buy more seats.
6.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.
7.
The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by
a single ‘general car fault’ warning light.
8.
New seats would force everyone to have the same bum size.
9.
The airbag system would say ‘Are you sure?’
Before going off.
10.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse
to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
11.
Ford would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of A.A.
road maps, even though they neither need them nor want
them Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s
performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12.
Every time Ford introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.
13. You’d press the ‘Start’ button to shut off the engine.
What was the first vehicle in the world to run on a Tarmac road?
A Roller
Car Names Explained
| ALCHIN - Always Leaves Chunky Holes In Northampton |
| AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented |
| BMW - Big Money Works; Bought My Wife; Brutal Money Waster; Bimbette Motor Weapon; Break My Window; |
| BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer |
| CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time; Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time; Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology |
| DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere; Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere; Dead or Dying Gas Eater; Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express |
|
FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology; Fix It All the Time; Fix it again Tony! |
| FORD - First On Recall Day; First On Race Day; First On Rust and Deterioration; Fix Or Repair Daily; Found On Road, Dead; Fault Of R&D; Fast Only Rolling Downhill; Features O.J. and Ron's DNA; |
| GM - General Maintenance; Great Mistake |
| GMC - Garage Man's Companion; Got a Mechanic Coming? |
| FOWLER Flywheel Of Weight Leaves Entire Roller |
| HONDA - Had One Never Did Again |
| HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive... |
| LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious |
| MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along |
| OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere; Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment |
| PINTO - put in new transmission often |
| PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks it's a Cadillac |
| ROVER - Rare Old Vehicle Exceptionally Rough |
| SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown; Sorry Arsed Auto Builders |
| SCANIA - Simple Carriers Always Navigate Into Accidents (Just For Nick!) |
| TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto |
| VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object; Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners - Very Old Learners Vehicle Only |
| VW - Virtually Worthless |
|
|
Q: Why do Reliant Robins have heated rear windows? A: To keep your hands warm while pushing it! |
|
|
Q: Why do you call a Reliant Robin with a football inside it? A: A whistle. |
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|
So this chap goes into Halfords and says, "I want a new pair of windscreen wipers for my Reliant Robin, please." Bloke behind the counter tips his head on one side and ponders for a minute or so. Finally he says, "OK, it's a deal."
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A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the motorway. As he was getting
out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the
whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car
pulled over.
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Why can't a steam locomotive sit down?
Because it has a tender behind
 Piano jokesQ: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A: A flat major. Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller? A: Be flat, major. Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? A: See flat major. |