Out Central

Coming Out

If you are thinking of coming out there are loads of questions that you are going to ask and need to know the answers to. This guide is here to give you the basic information and at the end you will find links to help you even more.

Am I gay, lesbian or bisexual?
Many people all over the world have feelings for the same sex this can be a very confusing time. Over the years some people continue to have those feelings and continue on to relationships with people of the same sex. While with others the feelings disappear and they go on to have relationships with people of the opposite sex. Whichever happens it is not a choice you either have or don't have feelings.

The only person that can decide what feelings you have is yourself. If you are attracted to the same sex you will know. The first step if you do know is to acknowledge yourself as that and being happy.

I'm happy being gay, lesbian, or bisexual but how do I come out?
This is again different for every individual - some people find that it is easier to talk to a family member, others to close friends, and other people prefer to just tell people as soon as they meet them. The best way to tell someone is to speak to someone you trust. As this is a university guide we will first look at telling friends as generally these are the people you are most likely to tell.

Coming out at university
So you've either been dumped at university and left all alone or you've packed your parents off as quickly as you could. Either way you are going to meet tons of new people.

If you are really comfortable with yourself being gay you may find it easy if people ask to just say, “yes I am.” For others it can be harder to do so. A lot of people prefer to wait and get to know someone first, this can be good as it means you are not known as the gay one from the outset.

Once you have found a person you feel happy with and you feel you could tell them there are lots of ways of doing it. You could just drop it in a conversation, for example: "isn't he/she sexy". Though it is not generally understandable what you are trying to tell people. The best way to tell someone is to sit them down and say "this is me". Another solution if you are scared is to write the person a letter and give it to them. Whatever method you decide, do it if and only if you feel happy doing it and do it with someone you can trust and are comfortable with.

Coming out to the family
Families are always different and you will know if you want to tell them or not. It is entirely up to you. I know people who take their "best friends" home over holidays - if you feel this is what you would prefer to do then that is your choice!

Weigh up the pros and cons of telling a member of your family; see how they react when they talk about homosexuality. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a brother or a sister first and build up to telling your parents. Whoever you tell make sure you are happy with telling them just as you would be with a friend.

There is one advantage in telling a member of the family while you are at university and that is you always have your space down there to go to so that you can give your family time to understand what you have said.

One way a friend of mine did was to leave a Gay Times magazine on the couch for his parents to find. Though this can be good or bad as it could go two ways, your parents could feel very hurt you could not tell them personally, or known all along and are glad that you accepted it. Whatever you do sit down and chat quietly with them, in a private and neutral atmosphere.

Just remember that some gay, lesbian, or bisexual people never tell their family… you only tell people you want to tell.

Six bad ways of coming out

1. Mum, dad this is my boyfriend - this might seem like a good way of coming out but your parents might then always see that person as everything they hate about you being gay.
2. Coming out to friends by kissing a guy in front of them - this could make people feel uncomfortable and alienate yourself from a group. I am not saying don't kiss people, but as a way of coming out it can be bad.
3. Tell someone on the motorway - you don't want to end up in hospital!
4. Taking a guy or girl back to your house if your not out (this generally is bad if it’s your parents house!!) - this is because it is very hard to explain the trailing clothes up to your bedroom door.
5. Take out a newspaper ad - your parents might not want the entire world to know before they do!
6. Walk into a room with "Sorry girls, I suck cock" or “Sorry boys, I like the furry cup” on your t-shirt - this will definitely give you away

Help and Support
Whether you’re a member, whether you are out or in the closet, the Out Central group will be there for you. You are welcome to come and join us at a meeting, or ask to talk to one of us privately for advice. There is also the members noticeboard which anyone can join - you can sign up on there and never have to say who you are and ask for support or advice from our members.

The following are links have alot of help and advice on coming out:

Coming Out is Good For You - a very good article by Alistair Appleton - really good article do read

Coming Out and Staying Out - A very good website for gay and bisexual men

YOUTH.ORG - YOUTH.ORG is run by volunteers, created to help self-identifying gay, lesbian, bisexual and questioning youth.

ADVERT.org Young Gay and Lesbian Section - Personal experiences of both men and women and coming out information

A Cool Page for Queer Teens - A site that contains a lot of useful coming out information

Gay Youth UK - A cool site for gay youth includes a coming out section

If I come out is it final?
Nothing is ever final. You will always meet new people and at some point might have to come out. Though the people behind a shop cash machine will not care if you are gay, lesbian or bisexual and so will never need to know. You only have to tell people you want to tell and feel happy about telling.

By coming out you are opening new avenues to meet other people and it could end up giving you the chance of meeting someone and starting a relationship. You never know who your friends know!

So whether you are out or not, whether your boyfriend or girlfriend comes to the family Christmas dinner just remember ...

...be happy about yourself! Tell who you want, when you want to! There is always support there for you and new people to meet and get to know.