Depression It's funny,
but I'm probably the very last person anyone around me would expect
to suffer from the depression that I do. I've learned to hide it well.
2/22/02
OK,- this essay, by far has been the most difficult one to start and
may also be the most difficult one to finish. But, strangely enough,
it is also the one that is most determined, it seems, to be written.
It's been on my mind for months and months and I'm still wondering how
I'm supposed to make my writing make sense enough so that this will
be understood the way it's supposed to be understood.
Currently, as I write this, I am not depressed. Well, I mean, I'm not
feeling that overwhelmingly apathetic, desireless-ness to do anything,
much less live. I don't feel like I can't function or enjoy anything
because I can't find a reason to enjoy anything. I do not feel hopelessly
hopeless. I am not digging my fingernails into my skin until I bleed
just so I can feel pain, feel ANYTHING that lets me know that somewhere
deep down, I still have the capacity to feel.
But I have been that way.
OK, I've labeled this essay depression, but perhaps that's misleading.
Perhaps I don't know what depression is. I've never gone to a doctor
and been 'medically diagnosed'. I can't say that. But I can say that
I've researched and for no reason other than to prove that maybe I wasn't
psycho and really had something wrong with me, taken many different
online 'screening tests' to see if I suffered from depression. They
always said I probably did and need to see a doctor as soon as possible.
I've never seen a doctor and to this date, have never mentioned what
I faced to anyone other than this site and my journal.
So, I'm not feeling depressed now and haven't for the past while. Why
am I writing this? What am I wanting to prove through it? I don't really
know. Am I cured now? I don't even know what it means to be cured! Now,
though, I do know a lot of the things that have and will lead me to
depression. I know why I've been doing so good recently. And I know
that I'm seriously scared when I am put back in many of the same situations
that wreak havoc on my mind. I know that depression is a strange thing
and is difficult to understand. I still don't understand.
I don't know if it's a disease; a chemical reaction gone bad in the
brain. If so, then what caused the chemical reaction? Is medication
the only way to treat this? (see my Depression
Paper - much more on all this) Can we not control our own minds?
Can we not, like people think, 'snap out of it'? I seem to think that
the problem is not that we can't seem to snap out of it, but that we
aren't able to find any reason or desire to make ourselves snap out
of it.
I saw A Beautiful Mind and ABSOLUTELY LOVED it! I loved how
he stopped his medication and by realizing and accepting what was going
on in his mind, was able to control it. I loved how, though a bit reserved,
he was a totally normal guy and there was nothing to lead anyone to
believe that he was psychologically screwed up. I loved how he was a
genius, because in a weird way, I think that any type of mental illnesses
seem to infect those with above average IQ's more than those with average
or below (I have no evidence, although, I'm kind of intrigued now and
may look into this to see if this is true). I believe you can think
yourself into depression and I believe that's what happened to me. I
think I think too much and all that this thinking has done to me is
destroyed every bit of values or meaning I've put into anything, including
my own existence.
I guess I'm also saying that part of me believes that depression can
be controlled and we can be responsible for our own feelings, without
medication, by just putting our minds to it. This is incredibly risky
of me to say, I know, especially with the popular belief that depression
is a 'chemical reaction' and everything. But, I don't know, I guess
I just think there is something else.
Alright, so these are my thoughts, although, in this essay, they don't
appear to lead me anywhere. I guess they haven't actually lead me anywhere
yet. This essay really didn't talk about the things I went through and
felt, so if you want to understand more of that, you should read the
journal entries BELOW. If you want to know more about how I'm able to
keep living my life day to day or some advice for how I think you can
actually somewhat enjoy your life even though you seriously hate it,
I suggest you read my suicide essay. Or even
my daily journal.
You can also read some of my (non-webdiary) journal entries when I was
going through some of the worst of my depression:
as
with all my essays, feel free to email me and tell me what I have
to say is stupid if you want. I think that discussing and questioning
things with others helps me better develop what I think and why...so
I encourage it and would love to hear from you!