April 2000

4/02/00~Well, today has been horrible. The most depressed I've been so far. I woke up at 12:30, but pretty much didn't get out of bed the whole day. I watched TV and laid there (I couldn't sleep anymore). I had no reason to do anything. No reason to get up. I didn't want to talk, just lay there and let the day pass me by, because I didn't really have a reason to live it. Nothing to look forward to; nothing. I had no desire to do anything because nothing seemed even slightly fulfilling. I didn't get out of bed until 6:45pm when my roommates practically dragged me to go eat and see a movie. After I had lots of sugar from a Hi and Mighty Ice Cream Pie at Chili's I was at least able to act happy. I like to act, although I hate it.
See, last night I went to this praise thing at church. I was desperately hoping to find God again. I even broke my record and prayed and now I'm mad. I shouldn't have done that. Now it just reaffirmed that God, if there is one, doesn't care about me; He just wants me to continue this confusion and depression which is slowly killing me inside. I realized that when people try to make themselves religious or spiritual they are only imagining things in order to be comforted. And that's what Christianity believes; that we must do all the work in order to reap the benefits we so desperately want. We imagine the rules we feel we must live by in order to gain what probably isn't really there. I WILL NOT make things up. I WILL NOT believe in a God if the only evidence of this belief is the fact that I did all the work to believe it.
I no longer have anything to look forward to, and even if I did, I would have no reason to look forward to it. It's late now and I should sleep. But I don't know why. I have nothing to get up for tomorrow.

4/03/00~I again felt like I had no reason to get up this morning. Nothing mattered. I need help. I go from extreme lows to highs. I'm messed up. Sometimes I'm just fine. Like now, I'm not really happy, but content. I have no clue what to do once this semester is finished. And I have no trust in anything that things will all work out. I feel trapped into performing well at school, yet I can't make myself do the work; I have no desire for it. Yet, I have to be in school because otherwise I have student loans I'll have to start paying. I have nothing to look forward to because all of adult life will be like this. I really don't know why I live. Why do my homework, my research paper? I think because it's the only way I can hide what I'm really feeling; if I start to appear depressed, others will know. My thoughts cannot be described because I can't even understand them. I don't really know anything. I wonder if I ever will.

4/04/00~ I should sleep now. Sleep is good. When I wake up, all the problems are still there, but, at least a little while I was asleep, I could forget them. Sleep is almost a temporary death. A way to get away from everything; to cease living and having problems. Nothing matters when you're asleep. I think if I went to sleep and never woke up, I'd be just fine with it!

4/05/00~Today I had an OK day. I hate those. I so don't deserve them.

4/06/00~Today was good. Much better! And it just goes to prove how my emotions fluctuate uncontrollably. And I go from one extreme to another. Over nothing. Why do I do this?

4/11/00~Well, tonight, I got a little depressed and began to get that horrible "I just wish I was dead" attack and let it consume me. But, I hate feeling that way. I'm sick of it and I cannot let myself feel that way anymore. I'm determined to have a good day tomorrow. I WON'T let depression and feeling worthless overtake me!