Feb. 2000

~You know, I still haven't prayed for this whole week! I don't care anymore. Anyways, I suppose I should write about all the exciting stuff that's been happening the past several days, but I can't really. I think I'm gonna sleep. And I'm not even tired. I got more than 8 hrs. of sleep last night. But again, sleep is my greatest defense. I'm not sure what I'm trying to defend myself against, but writing in this journal and sleeping are the only things I can do to keep from...I don't know...breaking down, I guess. Hopefully something will happen soon to knock me out of this depressing boredom.

~Well, now it's been almost 2 weeks since I've actually prayed. I'm aiming for a month. It's as though God has been an addiction; I keep wanting to talk to Him and almost catching myself, but I won't allow it. Sometimes it's kinda depressing, sometimes, like I said before, it's strangely liberating. But I still can't shake the picture that it's more like me being angry and telling someone I won't talk to them so I don't. But, even though I'm ignoring Him, I can't deny that He's there.
Sometimes I've gotten so very depressed, I just wanted to stab myself. And then sometimes, like now, I'm actually OK, and slightly happy. I went to a bible study tonight and though I refused to talk to God, or even acknowledge that He could be there, I had fun. I met a bunch of people.

~Alright, well, it's been 2 weeks since I last prayed. Is that right? It really doesn't seem like it's been that long. A lot of times, I almost slip. It's as though I think the thoughts or immediately start to say or ask God something. And then I stop myself. It really hasn't been that bad. Except I feel like a hypocrite, which I hate, but I figured is better than acting like NOT a Christian anymore, you know? That way all these "christian" people around me won't judge me; I'll get all the benefits of being a strong Christian still. Also, I realized that even though I don't have a relationship w/God right now, I can still feel "spiritual" during religious songs or prayer times. And yet, they mean nothing to me! That obviously says that all those feeling are made up, we do not feel them because there is a God, we feel them because they feel good and we want to feel them. I still feel them when listen to Christian music because I've been taught and trained so I automatically feel "spiritual" at those times.

~I'm finding myself wanting there to be a God more. I want people to think of me as being a strong Christian because they are usually thought very high of. They have a reason to get the good guys. I don't. I don't deserve any strong Christian guy because I'm not being a strong Christian myself. And yet, why do I want a strong Christian guy? Because I so want someone who can prove to me God. So I'm stuck and maybe I'll just never get married. So, why can't I just believe in God like I used to? Because, at this point, it's a matter of will. I don't want myself to be trapped into this certain way of thinking. I'm sick of going through the highs and lows of Christianity. I'm sick of being so close to God one minute only to know that I'll fall far away from Him again eventually. I'm sick of searching for foundation-less answers just so I can stick to my view of this "religion" that I've grown up knowing to believe. I'm sick of feeling like this and I'm sick of a God not looking down and saving me out of this. So that's why I won't put myself through it anymore. And I hate it. I really do. I want to be dead sometimes.