Sports 1/2: Benma 1/2's Spring Splash II

Rank and team	Record	Explanation (As if they needed it)
1. Terry Bowden.		HE DOESN'T CARE about what's best for college football; he just want the teams that can generate the most money to win. And he makes NO EFFORT to try and hide the fact that he's rooting for all the big names, including Miami, Floriduh, the Bug Eaters, and Daddy's precious Seminoles. At least I'M not biased because I _want_ to be, I HAVE TO BE to counteract the efforts of people like this.
2. A-HOLE TEAMS, A-HOLE PLAYERS, A-HOLE COACHES.		IT TAKES A COMPLETE LACK OF CLASS for Auburn and Arizona to stomp and gyrate on another team's logo (at LSU and Arizona State, respectively). Auburn's kicker was picking a fight--with LSU's BAND. The "Big Man" or "Tough Guy" award goes to Major A$$holewhite of Texas, who throws a touchdown and then taunts the Colorado sideline--down 29-17. Finally, STEVE SPURRIER, whose Floriduh Gators "Didn't win anything." What kind of crap is that? What kind of a message is that to send to 70 players who played their souls out for you all season long? That they didn't do anything? This jerk ought to be banned from collegiate football.
3. DRUNK QUARTERBACKS.		YOU HAVE TO BE ONE STUPID SON OF A BIZNITCH to get nailed for a DUI when you're the leader of a NATIONAL POWERHOUSE team. Maybe that's additional criteria for the NFL nowadays? UCLA's CORY PAUS was outed and demoralized, not helping the cause in a 27-0 DRUBBING by my alma mater. STEVE BELLISARI of OHIO STATE is going to be spending three days in jail after their bowl game. Coaches need to tighten the leash on their players.
4. NOTRE DAME.	5-6	AT 5-6, all this talk about BOB DAVIE being fired is CRAP. SINCE WHEN does the NEUTERED LAME mystique include firing coaches after giving them a FIVE YEAR CONTRACT EXTENSION? They need to STOP LIVING IN THE PAST and realize that THEY'RE JUST A NAME and HISTORY now.
5. HOUSTON.	0-11 (0-6)	Their first defeated season EVER.
6. DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE.		ARMY ended up 3-8 (2-5), but poor NAVY SANK to 0-10, their first defeated season since 1948.
7. BOTTOM 13 STAPLES.		SO THE WAKE IS bowl eligible at 6-5. BIG DEAL; one of those was against nation-leading-23-game-losing-streak defeated PUKE. VANDERWILT ended up 2-9 (0-8). IT MUST BE TOUGH to be the only private school in the SuckEast Conference and try to get a winning football team.
8. 1/3 OF THE MAC CONFERENCE.		I OUGHT to just add these two conferences to the BOTTOM 13 STAPLES...
9. THE SUNBELT CONFERENCE.		WITH ALL MEMBERS but the "CREAM OF THE CRAP" MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE haveing LOSING records, it's hard not to rank this lower.
10. BAYLOR and KANSAS.		IF THE FOOTLONG IS SO STRONG, why are THESE teams in it? They're both 3-8, with conference records of 0-8 and 1-7, respectively.
11. THE BIG LEAST.		NAMELY 4-7 (2-5) TEMPLE, who is being kicked out of the conference, and WEST VIRGINIA 3-8 (1-6) and RUTGERS 2-9 (0-7) who probably OUGHT to be (using the same logic.) AT THIS RATE, fellow basketball member UCONN (2-9) won't be able to join, either.
12. THE ONE-FERS.		POOR CAL and TULSA both went 1-10 (0-8)
13. POOR BALL SPOTTING AND CLOCK MANAGEMENT.		CAN I WATCH _ONE GAME_ without the referees SHAVING YARDS GAINED away from "Teams that aren't supposed to win?" AUBURN was a MAJOR victim against FLORIDUH, but fortunately managed to overcome that fact and win. CLOCK MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS went TWO directions: After an LSU first down (late) against FLORIDUH (what's up with the SuckEast Conference?), the clock ticked down SIX CRITICAL SECONDS! I didn't know that SuckEast rules don't stop the clock after a first down, did you? And the FOOTLONG CHAMPIONSHIP, on the other hand, took almost NOTHING off TEXAS' clock, just in case they managed to recover the on-side kick against COLORADO.

NOW, A LOT OF YOU MAY BE WONDERING HOW I can rank OREGON #1 over Miami. Well, derived from my WEST COAST BIASED POLL, I demonstrate absurdity by being absurd, and, came up with the BENMA CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES. The fact of the matter is, AS LONG AS THERE'S A SUBJECTIVE ELEMENT IN ANY RANKING (i.e. the two major polls and 8 computers), the system is going to be flawed. Because I'm not about to spend every waking moment on college football, I EXPANDED the Bowl Championship Series format to include additional categories, and used the preseason SPORTS ILLUSTRATED strength of Schedule Rankings in order to come up with the formula. And I came up with an interesting discovery...MIAMI shouldn't even be in the ROSE BOWL according to the formula...it should be OREGON versus...WASHINGTON STATE! So for your West Coast Viewing Pleasure:

The BENMA CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

TEAM	POLL RANKING (BA TOP 25)	SCHEDULE STRENGTH (From S.I.)	SCHEDULE RANK (Strength/25)	LOSSES	SUBTOTAL	LOST GAMES THEY SHOULD HAVE WON (-1)	WON GAMES THEY SHOULD HAVE LOST (+1)	QUALITY WINS (-1)	TOTAL
1. OREGON	1	25	1.00	1	3.00	1	0	1	1.00
2. WASHINGTON STATE	3	3	0.12	2	5.12	0	0	2	3.12
3. MIAMI	2	36	1.44	0	3.44	0	2	1	4.44
4. STANFORD	4	20	0.80	2	6.80	0	2	2	6.80
5. COLORADO	7	18	0.72	2	9.72	0	0	2	7.72
6. VIRGINIA TECH	5	58	2.32	3	10.32	1	0	0	9.32
7. MARYLAND	6	75	3.00	1	10.00	0	0	0	10.00
8. TEXAS	8	48	1.92	2	11.92	0	0	1	10.92
9. ILLINOIS	10	12	0.48	1	11.48	0	0	0	11.48
10. BUG EATERS	9	53	2.12	1	12.12	0	2	1	13.12
11. FLORIDA	11	15	0.60	2	13.60	0	0	0	13.60
12. WASHINGTON	13	17	0.68	3	16.68	1	0	2	13.68
13. OKLAHOMA	12	51	2.04	2	16.04	0	0	1	15.04
14. MICHIGAN	14	24	0.96	3	17.96	1	0	1	15.96
15. BYU	15	83	3.32	1	19.32	0	0	0	19.32

Benma 1/2's Spring Splash II (BSSII) (c).
Anything Goes School of Masquerade Arts (AGSMA) (c).
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