This was written on 1/15/1997

In all intersexed/transgendered people there is always a story of disappointment, rejection, frustration..... My ex-wife has told me that all of the things you read on the Internet are lies. I do agree that there are people that do mislead or pretend to be this way only to ridicule Intersexed or Transexuals. I am not one of those and this is the truth about me. I have never told anyone this much about me, I have lived a life of lies and hiding from my true self. No more!! I started when I was very young about 8 or 9. I used to sneak into my mom's dresser and borrow her nylons and girdles and of course bras. One day she caught me wearing her stockings and punished me, she told me that boys did not wear those things. I was crushed and felt so terrible, and guilty. But it did not stop me from feeling that I felt more natural wearing feminine clothes. Time passed and I was now taking clothes from my sister. I would dress up in her dresses and pantyhose and feel so comfortable and sexy. But again my mom caught me and this time made sure that my sister saw what I was doing. I continued to dress up , but very carefully! I never got caught by mom again. When I was about 17 I lived with a girlfriend for about 6 months, I'll never forget the day I was leaning over the bed and she came up behind me and said "Wow, you would look really good in nylons" I could hardly believe that she said that. I never did dress up in front of her and she never knew about my desire to be a woman. After we split up I started dressing again. Don't get me wrong I tried to do very masculine things, they just never seemed to make me feel complete I always felt out of place. At one time I was rated #4 in the motocross circuit of the state that I grew up in. But even then I would dress up whenever I could. I always looked at girls not for wanting them but wishing that I could look like that. I felt that it was an incredible injustice that they could look like that and I looked like what I did. I finally got married and had a son. My wife found out that I was wearing her nylons and some of her clothes. We eventually separated and divorced but not because of me wearing some of her clothes. I almost finished college before having to leave due to financial reasons. While I was at college I bought some outfits and makeup. I remember driving on a highway in the evening wearing a very short dress. A semi-truck pulled up along side of me and started shinning a spot light on my legs. He started honking and trying to get me to pull over, of course there was no way I could do that. Just think of what he would have done when he found out that his hot babe was really a guy! When I moved back home I still spent as much time as I could dressed. I was really terrible at putting makeup on. But getting better all the time! I have to! Like a stupid fool I tried again to live a normal??? life and got married again. I inherited two kids in the deal. I never told my wife about me. Of course I threw out all of my female things before we got married. But it was only a matter of time before Kristi would emerge again. We were out dancing one night and she could see something was bothering me, she continued to ask what was wrong and I finally told her that I wanted to be a woman. She seemed to take it pretty well, until she realized that I was serious and wanted to do something about it. She feels that I lied to her, and she is right. She says that she never would have married me if she would have known about this before. I do love her, but I need for Kristi to live. I know that I have hurt her very much and I am so sorry, I never meant to do that to her. It's to early to tell how things will end up as far as staying together, we take it one day at a time. I started taking female hormones for about a month three years ago and my breasts started budding and she went ballistic. So I stopped. I tried again to make it work with her, but I am not doing well. She tells me that there is nothing that makes me happy except being Kristi. I really wish that I could find some friends to talk with, even over email. There are times that I feel so alone and there is no one that I can talk with about my feelings or just general girl talk.