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A Moment of Clarity Internal Links This page, the Welcome page Tell me what to draw - (URL required) Tell me what to do - order me around! Write to me FORUM IN Sign my register My very own very personal journal!!!! j's very own not so personal journal! LINKS Bondage notes The TRUTH - about me - What i can tell! Every pic on the site, almost FORUM OUT Take my bondage quiz - It leads to mail! My Guestbook TieMeUp! (Please!) First the thought: Hey! I like bondage! It starts simple enough, but it is something kept secret - right from the start... now a return to clarity! i like bondage ... it feels good ... something draws me to it ... always has ... probably always will ... i want to do it ... i love being helpless ... i love the ropes, or whatever, tight around me ... i love the feeling of helpless it gives me ... i love the feeling of security it gives me ...

so what's the difference?

i mean why do i deal with my love of bondage one way and my love of spaghetti another way?

i love bondage

...so i'm going to do it! (Bondage) in a way that does not defame me that means i am still a person i do not want to be hurt mentally i do not want to be hurt physically i do not want my job or home life hurt in a way that does not defame those around me i do not want to hurt my Master, j, my friends or anyone i will not embarass them i will do it in an appropriate time and place i will do it in an appropriate way in a way that is positive i will endeaver to learn from it i will become a better slave i will become a better person i will help others to do the same - if i can in a way that is productive where something good comes of it where bondage becomes safe for all where i grow and learn where i satisfy my need

Sounds like a bunch of who-ha to me! That's the problem with those moments of clarity. They sound good right then and later sound like you were either drinking or wanted to run for office! They do have a seed of truth too though.

Here's a gem of truth: i am a slave, i really am (proud of it), and i know better than to be reckless with bondage and i know that its a part of life. Some people love it and some don't. If you like it then you don't have to be ashamed of it or let your fear of being discovered inhibit you or cause you to do bondage in a way where you pervert it. Its a loving sharing thing - don't forget that.

Ok, enough running for office, getting a bj in a public office doesn't interest me anyway. Here's a recent article i wrote for a site that's into self bondage:

Hmmmm.... ok, How did this begin? Master Chris instructed me to go to a self bondage site of a friend of his and maybe make some pics for him. i read in fascenation of the self bondage adventures of men, women, and those in between. Uh, "in between" sounds rude. i should say transvestites maybe. That word sometimes has negative conotations though, but i live in the country in the south. Here even bondage has negative conotations! Self bondage is something i've never even heard discused. i consider myself to be straight even though i have been living with another woman for over a year and we have been having sex and bondage together all that time. i kind of like the idea of a man in self bondage - not that i would ever want to walk-in on a man all tied up. i do have a predijice, i guess, and i'm not proud of it. There is an unshakable vision in my head that women are the ones who should be tied up by men. i guess that's wrong though. Not everyone has the same vision as me and that's really a good thing. If we all thought alike then things would get real boring real fast. To my mind a man in self bondage is like a trial run for putting his honey in bondage. i think that men should try bondage so that they know what it feels like. Some men are too gentle for fear that they might hurt me and some are too rough because they have no conception of just how unyielding a set of handcuffs can be. Finding this right balence is hard to do so they need practice - some pratice. The right degree of intensity will never be found. i have hurt myself with handcuffs (my fav form of restraint). Sometimes i get too playful and bruise my own wrists. All a guy really needs to learn is what is too namby pamby and what is too bodacious. There's really a lot of space between the two - usually. Anyone that is sensitive to how thier partner is reacting can usually manage to stay between the lines. Some of the stories i read involved lots of high priced gear. i guess i live out in the sticks further than i thought. Here's something that bugs me: leather cuffs over standard police handcuffs. To me handcuffs that cost about $40 are all a girl could ask for. They do the job, they are quick to apply and they are wonderful for self bondage. A pair of leather cuffs that cost the same don't have the same quality. While they have a delightful aroma to them they feel flimsy and are usually thin, the black will smear off of them and make a mess - and they are associated with the hard core crowd. Pics of men and women in overly stocked private dungons have been bad for bondage, giving it a stereotype of extreme sadism. They do have the new nylon and velcro cuffs shown in many adds with sweet helpless girl-next-door types which kind of downplays the hot branding iron in the fire scenerios of the past - but they don't lock! What good is bondage if i can escape anytime that i want to? When i'm tied up i want it to be unescapable in the fullest meaning of "Hey! i can't get loose!" i guess we have all done our early experimentation with ropes. They do a good job even if they do chafe a bit. Actually i have to admit that the best device for restraint are chains. i use the little doggie chains intended to be used as leashes or choaker collars along with some of those tiny cute padlocks. They are kinda hard to get on though. It almost requires the assistance of the one being tied up which means she can't struggle as the bonds are applied. Fighting against being tied up can be a very good thing at times. i fight against it and then when i lose its so sudden - and so complete! i am wandering here; the subject at hand is self bondage. Yep, i've done that more than a few times before i realized that men like tying me up as much as i like to be made helpless. They won't even hurt me afterwards! Life is good! Even today self bondage has a place in my life, several places, in fact! Before self bondage used to be a way for me to satisfy the craving to be tied up, sometimes a way to punish myself for goofing up, a way to spend a quiet evening, a way to get really really turned on, a way to be naughty, and perhaps most important of all a way to just be me. Bondage does not always involve sex, or sexual thoughts, or getting turned on. Hardly. Not too much. Bondage allows the sexual desire to be enhanced by the possibility of not getting sexual satisfaction. It can also be like instant gratification. i remember one night leaving a guy's house and feeling so aroused and frustrated that i stopped the car and got my handcuffs out of my purse and putting them on and then driving home like that. When i got home i masterbated so i could go to sleep, still in handcuffs. There is a security in self bondage too. Often i sleep wearing my handcuffs, usually in front because i know i don't sleep too well with my hands handcuffed behind me. At first i couldn't sleep more than a few hours with my hands behind me, but i finally managed to sleep all night like that. The feeling of waking the next morning and realizing my hands are handcuffed behind me is... quite nice. Something i see mentioned a lot concerning self bondage is a desire to almost get caught at it. i guess that's the naughty part. There is a road near here that goes right next to an interstate highway. i went down there about a year or so after getting my first set of real handcuffs and hid in the woods next to the highway. It was very late but i could still hear a fair amount of weekend traffic returning from Wilminton. i put on my handcuffs behind me and got hot thinking about what those people would do if only they knew i was in that small strip of woods beside the highway handcuffed like that. i would hate to get caught like that though. i would feel very ashamed of myself. i am not into self-humiluation, not at all. Sometimes i think i would just like to give myself to the world. "Hey world, here i am! Come take me!" giggle Then there's the seeing just how much i can take sort of thing. i'll put on every set of handcuffs i own (or can borrow and maybe even steal!) When i was a teen i played at self bondage for about a year before i got too scared to try it anymore at my parents house. It was mostly ropes back then. The thought of owning my own handcuffs was too far out there (good dream material though.) When the house was empty i would get a long piece of rope and tie it to a door knob at the end of hallway. i would then wind the rope around me, turning and being pulled towards the door. i could get a full tie like that then pull the loop off the door knob and do a bunny hop to my bedroom and lay on the floor or the bed and just FEEL the ropes tightly wound around me. So good! Yum! This is probably why i don't like rope bondage all that well now though. Not because they chaffed my wrists so bad, but because i frequently had to cut some of the rope to get free. i could do the door knob thing and wrap the rope around my wrists. i'd get a fair number of loops around my wrists then grab the rope and hold it tight. Holding the rope so it couldn't loosen i'd undo the loop over the door knob and swing the rope so it would go beteen my wrists a few times then hook it back over the door knob and go as far as the rope would allow and pull against it until it was good and tight. i'd go back to the door knob and get some kind of a knot going then pull that real tight too. Then i could stay a prisoner of the door knob or unhook it and go into my room. Having my hands behind me like that was a kick. Having my hands in front where i could use them on myself was pretty good too. If only i could have both! Here's what hurt though, when i did this i had to have a knife nearby to cut my way back to freedom. Cutting those ropes really made me feel so bad. Here they had held me so wonderfully and there i'd go ruining them with a knife... Dad had quite a bit of rope he had gotten from somewhere, clothesline. In the end i used almost all of it. i just couldn't help myself. It was old and soft and discolored and it fellt so good when it was tied tightly around me. i loved to tie my ancles and knees too and having my elbows pinned behind me was so, well i didn't know what it was called at the time, but it was erotic! Big time! i was pretty careful about tying myself up. i didn't want the folks to catch me. i hadn't tied myself up for over a year when one night right after i got to college i had a mishap. When i had moved there i had used rope to tie the trunk lid closed - i think it may have been some of the same precious rope dad had "lost." After it had served its purpose i had put it away, in a special place. The trip had been several hundred miles (from one end of the state to the other) and the wind had... frayed the old rope even more. i was going through my closet one night and happened across the valued rope and began to wonder what it would feel like then. This wasn't quite the place to be doing some tying up on myself, but the need was great. Starting a bondage session can be cold and may require some warming up. Sometime it can be hot after days of anticipation. i don't know what that night was. i had this man's belt, something about finding it. i don't remember exactly how i got it, i just remember reconizing how useful it could be, for tying myself up with. The belt was way too big for me. i can remember it had the holes all the way around it so it could be adjusted to any size, wrists size, ancles size, knees size, and even around my torso with both arms inside of it. That's how i put it on, around me at about diaphram level. It felt good. i was tied but not tied, perfect for a college dorm room, right? If only i could get it tight enough. i like tight. Tie a knot in the rope, hang it over the door, close the door, tie the other end around the belt, stand on a chair in front of the closet door, put the belt back on, and step off of the chair carefully letting the rope pull the belt so tight that even breathing was something to be aware of. i still remember how good that felt! Whew! i was really tied up and no rope marks around my wrists to worry about! My arms were pinned to me so tight that i could do nothing. Then the chair fell over! Without it i could not get loose! Here i was literally hanging from a rope like i was trying to hang myself and wasn't too bright about it and just waiting for someone to find me. "What'd you major in, in college?" "Uh... i just hung around...(tee hee)" No escape! i can still remember what it felt like, the semidarkness of the small room lit only by my study lamp on my tiny desk, the bed rumpled from where i had been lying on it thinking and dreaming, the cheap study chair lying on its side (it came with the room), the raty curtains that didn't fit the room at all, the sounds outside of dueling boom boxes in opposing dorm rooms, an ocasional car horn or squelling tires or motors being reved, people talking in the space between buldings down below, a plane going overhead, someone talking on the phone out in the hallway, a bus outside. Did i mention the girl hanging by a rope and kicking on the closet door? That would be me, world beater in the making. Hair in a pony tail, a Ghandi blouse split down the front, old blue jeans (perfect for college), and tennies. Don't forget the rope and the stylish belt! Thank goodness for the tennies! They were kinda new and after i kicked around on the door some i found they had stickyness to them. Not enough to climb up the closet door, but enough to get the chair standing back up so i could get my feet on it again. Thirty seconds of pure panic. Thirty seconds of my life i'll never forget. One tiny mistake in self bondage. Being tied up is one thing. Being tied to something is at least twice that. College was a real eye opener. Not only did i discover how dangerious chairs can be, i also found out that there were other people out there like me. People who like to be tied up and guys who like to tie us up. Guys who will treat us special. Guys that will allow us to give ourselves to them as completely as we want to. Guys who won't take advantage of us. Bondage is great. There are just as many of us who want to be tied as there are those who want to tie us. Life is good. Self bondage will always have a place in my heart. i will probably do it from time to time throughout my life. Bondage with someone else in control is even better. Right now j is willing to tie me up pretty much whenever i ask for it and sometimes even just because she feels like doing it to me. The only thing bad about self bondage is doing it alone. It tended to make me think that if i wanted to feel bondage like that i would have to do it alone, keep it secret. Wrongo! It just prepared me for when i let someone else take the reins (no pun) and do it to me. i love to give myself completely to another like that, i love it when they accept me like i am and do they ever seem to love it too! Self bondage is so good that it needs to be shared. Go out there into the world and find someone who enjoys tying you up as much as you enjoy to be tied up. Recently i went back to that highway with a friend. It was very late again and there was no traffic. My hands were handcuffed behind me, i wore a collar and a leash too and i was led onto the deserted road. The thrill was even better. Had i been alone i don't know that i would have tried that. Instead i was not given the choice. That was better. Knowing that if i got into trouble the other person was there to help and protect me was pretty good too. We walked along the road to an overpass, still no sound of a car. We went up to the top of the overpass and i was told to walk to the other side and back - alone! i was so weak that i could barely do it. Halfway back i heard a car in the distance so i began to run in fright. Half way along the overpass my friend met me and made me stop. The car was on the road below. i was pushed to the rail so i could see the car pass directly below me. The people below never knew that there i was, less than ten feet away, heart pounding and handcuffed. i stood up straight and proud, the buttons on my blouse almost ready to pop off. So what if they did! "Hey world, here i am! Take me! Take me for what i am!" i looked into my friend's eyes and said, "Thank you." And thank you too, for letting me share! Kisses Master Chris' slave shevette http://www.oocities.org/WestHollywood/Village/4800 Opps! Almost forgot! i need to draw some pics too, Master's orders! giggle

i think i'll go have a shake or maybe a pizza, or some spaghetti, or some popcorn would be nice, or fried mushrooms, or a steak, or a dill pickle.... Hey! i couldn't be pregnant could i?

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