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How Alexander Graham Bell
helped kill the President.
How We
Got…American Idol
We trace the cataclysmic historical events that proved once
and for all that talent is by no means a prerequisite for fame.
Maxim, February 2004
800 B.C.
The oldest known song, “Hymn to Creation,” is written in
Sumeria. The emperor gets 75 percent of the publishing, and the
author ends up as a janitor in a vomitorium to make ends meet.
The music biz is born.
4 B.C.
J.C. takes the stage, rocks the establishment, amasses legions
of devotees, and dies young, thus becoming the original pop
star.
1355 A.D.
Decadent “listening parties” are now all the rage among
English aristocracy, where no home entertainment center is
complete without a bard, a jester, and a troubadour.
1849
Gold fever strikes, and thousands of starry-eyed, bucktoothed
midwesterners haul ass to Cali with dreams of hitting it big
overnight. Most wind up selling insurance.
1865
Abe Lincoln takes a bullet to the head rather than sit through
an entire fucking play.
1904
Mick Jagger is born.
1935
Blues guitarist Robert Johnson sells his soul for stardom.
Several decades later the devil ups his asking price to a soul plus
a chance to meet Ryan Seacrest.
1945
With WWII over and TV not yet popular, Americans resort to
having sex for entertainment.
1952
American Bandstand debuts. Dick Clark celebrates his
new job as host by drinking the blood of the living.
1955
Frank Sinatra’s In the Wee Small Hours tops the
charts after a Billboard exec is found dead in an oil
drum near Newark. From then on, Record companies sign only
pussies.
1959
Simon Cowell exits womb and announces, “The most disgraceful
birth canal ever. A bloody mess.” Fate taps him to bring fame
to ass clowns.
1960
The Nixon vs. Kennedy debate airs, establishing that all matters
of national importance are to be settled on TV. The
“blooper” reel is an underground hit due to a surprise cameo
by Marilyn Monroe, under JFK’s podium.
1971
The Japanese invent karaoke, giving drunken, sexually repressed
middle-management types the idea they know how to sing.
1976
The Gong Show has a breakout star in the Unknown Comic,
a no-talent hack who performs with a bag over his head.
Twenty-five years later, Kelly Clarkson completes only half the
equation.
1985
The Chicago Bears sing “The Super Bowl Shuffle,” proving fat
guys can become pop stars without paying dues.
1990
Roseanne Barr mutilates the national anthem while grabbing her
cock, setting the quality standard for nonmusicians.
2004
The third season of American Karaoke, er, Idol—whatever—kicks
off, welcoming a whole new round of socially defective nitwits
into the nation’s living rooms. Up next: the Apocalypse.
next...How Alexander Graham
Bell helped kill the President. |
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