fellowship

The fellowship program was to be a three year, research track position. We had expected to take call from home and for Michael to have a lighter schedule during the week as well as more weekends off. For that reason, I had applied to begin my MS program. We had decided that we would take out the maximum amount possible in Stafford Loans to help with rent and additional costs. It seemed like the perfect time for me to finish my degree.

Within a few weeks it was obvious that we had made a huge miscalculation. The fellowship program was short one fellow and Michael was required to work every other weekend. He took six weeks of call from home, which meant that for six solid weeks the pager went off non-stop wherever we went. He had to leave in the middle of dinner at a restaurant, a shopping day at Wal-mart...we were afraid to leave the house when he was on. I found that I was struggling with a great deal of guilt. I had hired a sitter to come to our house to take care of my youngest for a few hours three days a week when I went up to the university. My two older children were enrolled at the local preschool. Instead of enjoying the time that I had at the University, I felt horribly guilty. I often felt that I didn't fit in anywhere. The working moms had devoted themselves to their professions, and the other stay-at-home moms to their homes and children...I fit somewhere in the middle and felt unable to gain the respect of my peers at school or on the playground. Part of this was very likely my own perception, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was never "enough".

Michael began working every weekend. He had been accepted in the VA moonlighting program and we were desperate for money to simply keep us afloat. Suddenly, he was gone 7 days a week and I became a single mom for all practical purposes. I struggled to be a good enough mom and wife....I think I was probably the most negative person that I knew though for those two years. It felt like everything I did turned out wrong. The stress and pressure of completing the research for my degree was overwhelming. I would drive Michael to work at 7 am, drop my two oldest off at preschool at 8, come home and leave the baby with the sitter (who usually arrived at our house while it looked like a hurricane had struck!), would drive back to campus for two classes, then run to pick up the oldest by noon and meet my sitter back at the house. The afternoon was spent at the park or at home with the kids. We usually had dinner without Michael and I usually picked him up after 8pm. He had also begun moonlighting some night shifts as well, so I did have some nights where I didn't have to pick him up. Once Michael was at home and I had everyone settled back into bed, I would go to the lab to work on my project. Often I was there until 2am...and the cycle would restart the next day....I was exhausted....streteched beyond my limit. Financially, our resources were simply not enough, and Michael was permitted to switch over to the two year clinical track.

I defended my thesis the day that our movers came to take us off to start our "real" life. After Michael had his last day of work, we set off on our last great adventure....we left Florida without shedding a tear, glad to have it all behind us.....and looked forward to this new chapter in our lives!