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 Today was another low key day. I am still not feeling good so I just took it easy. I was able to get mom up for lunch, I am going to try to get her to go to bed after the news tonight. She has been in a good mood too, she gets her new hearing aid tomorrow morning so she will have to get up early. Mom's appetite has improved some, she is eating alot of fresh steamed veggies and rice's, not much meat though and she still has to have her dessert before bed. I got her into the shower today also, boy was I happy. She loved it so much yet, she fights to not take one. I lit a gardenia scented candle before she got in and had her help me pick out a shampoo that she liked. She even tried to help me wash her hair. Since she got up early I was able to strip her bed down and change it also. Tomorrow is toenail time, yippee. I swear she could kill someone with those nails of hers, they fly around the room when I snip them, I nearly have to wear safety glasses.

April 2
Today was great. Mom got her new hearing aid and boy what difference. I don't have to yell, she can hear very well, even that which she shouldn't, I'll have to remember that. SMILE. Her other one just wasn't strong enough anymore. Best of all her medicaid paid for it! The t.v. is even on at a normal volume. You can see the happiness in her face. I wish we could have afforded to buy her on sooner, might have made a world of difference. She has been up all day, dozing some, but wanting to stay up. Next week she gets her vision and glasses checked, maybe she will need new glasses too, perhaps that is part of her dizziness trouble now that she is off most of her meds. It is funny, in 1988 mom had cataracts removed and the optomologist asked me how long she had had Alzheimer's Disease. I told him she didn't and hadn't been diagnosed with it and he said he bet she would be before long. How right he was, saw it in her eyes with the dilating medication (can't remember the name off hand). She goes to the doctor on the 16th, can't wait for that..Will there be more surprises for me??

 I have not been able to connect much lately which is why I have not had any chats scheduled. I am lucky to get online long enough to update my site. If you guys are of a mind to I am sure you could email my server and complain, not that I am hinting or anything. SMILE.

April 3
Mom never even moved today until 3:00pm. She had been up all day yesterday, didn't go to bed until 12:30am so I expected it. She was in a great mood because "the train trip had been wonderful and she met a lot of very nice people, even grandma was there." She stayed very confused all night. She even asked for a pill to help calm her down. She said she needed to go to the doctor to see what was wrong with her head, I told her she had and that she has Alzheimer's, her response.."I know that but maybe there is something else happening too. I'm not suppose to remember that I have Alzheimer's am I?" Not a classic AD response is it. I took my opportunity and told her that she should remember anything she can and not give into it, maybe that would help her, she agreed and said she would try. She only asked me where she was about 10 times instead of 20 after that. SMILE

 April 4
Today was very peculiar. Mom woke up at 9:30 for her breakfast, went back to sleep, woke up at 2:30 wanting lunch, went back to sleep, woke up at 5:20 asking about dinner, stayed awake until it was done, ate, then went back to sleep. I asked her every time if she was going to get up today and she said no that she was having a good time sleeping and besides she was too dizzy. She was having a heart to heart with my grandma! getting ready for her next train trip. I wonder, is grandma preparing mom for her final journey? Letting her know she is there for? Saying all that didn't get said before she died? Mom is sleeping so soundly right now, with such a pleasant look on her face. It brings to mind "Touched By an Angel". We watch that show regularly and mom KNOWS that it is true, I do mean KNOWS without doubt that it is true. Is this happening with mom? I know she isn't going any day or anything like that but I wonder if this is how the transition is done. Has grandma been sent? Will mom be sent for me? Questions of the universe.

 April 5
Mom actually got up, dressed and HAPPY today. She looked very refreshed and was able to walk faster. She had a good day. We had Chinese take-out, rented movies, ate popcorn and laughed our butts off with Robert and Crystal until 1:30 in the morning. Mom was being so silly, making herself, among others laugh with the silly things she was saying. We had to stop the movies a couple times because of it. She was upset with me earlier because I hadn't cleaned the living room but I explained that the guy was coming up today to hang the drywall and I had to move the furniture around for that. This calmed her down. Then she got upset because I was up in the apple tree pruning it and Hollie had fallen off the ladder and got hurt. She was mostly upset because I wouldn't let her help after she had offered so many times, which she really did do. She was much better when she learned we were done and having Chinese, the rest of the night went great.

 April 6
I got mom up at 2:00pm, gave her lunch and put her in the shower! She said it felt so good that she didn't want to get out. She did stay in it for 30 minutes. When she got out she said that she guesses she didn't get a tan, it must have been just dirt, she was kidding of course but...My brother got and apartment today, he moves in Friday..YIPPIE. Mom is going to miss him for awhile but I will be glad to get my house back to normal, although he has left my computer alone, except to check and send a few email's. I have my grand-daughter Jaide staying over night. She is so helpful with granny. When I just have one of them here mom does very good, both of them together drive her nuts though. You know, I think I must be nuts too. You would think that with mom sleeping like she is that I would be caught up on mine or at least not tired all the time but, I still have a hard time sleeping. I always have one ear turned toward mom's room just in case she decides to start roaming around again. I guess it is habit now days, one the I really wish I could break.

April 7
Mom stayed in bed all day, didn't get up until 9:20 pm. She was awake off and on, had her meals in bed, then decided to get up for a few hours and watch t.v. with us. She went back to bed at 12:30 am. I just can't seem to get her to get up during the day no matter what I try. I won't force her to get up, but I do try. I guess if this is what she wants to do or feels she needs to do then it is o.k. Physically she is doing fine, she was retaining water again but agreed to take her Lasix, otherwise she is the same as normal.

 April 8
Mom almost repeated yesterday exactly, except, she never did get up. She watched t.v. and ate in her room. She didn't feel like getting up for ANY reason but to use the toilet. She knew where she was, who I was, she was in a good mood, felt good but wanted to stay in bed. Everything else around here was crazy. I had to hurry and peel the wallpaper from a wall so the guy doing my drywall could finish up, Hollie was painting and burning, Koko is in heat and driving me and Reno, my neutered male nuts, my house is a mess with furniture moved all around so the wall can get done. Danny is moving out this weekend, he got an apartment! Life will be normal again soon.

 April 9
Today is my grand-daughter Jaide's 8th Birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sweetheart, I love you.

 Mom has been in bed now since Tuesday night at 12:00 pm. She sat on the edge of her bed tonight for dinner, she ate it all but.. She was going to come out to the living room when she called me. I thought it would be to help her get dressed but it wasn't. She was so white and sweating so bad that I had to change her, her bed, even her depends but only from the sweat. Her temp. was 95, her pulse slow and thready and she felt sick to her stomach. I had her get back in bed and have been checking on her every 15 minutes. When I took her temp. at 10:00 it was 96.3. She is resting now, sleeping some but has such a scared look in her face, like a treed cat. I think she is becoming pretty bedridden now. It is too hard on her to get up any more. She gets out of breath quickly and her old ticker does summer salts. I guess she is going into another stage of this DAMN disease.

 April 10
Mom is still in bed. She has eaten pretty well today. Her temp is hovering around 96.3 and 94.2, her pulse is still slow and weak. She is able to get up only to use her bedside commode, then back to bed she goes. She says she doesn't feel ill just very weak and dizzy. I asked her about calling the doctor and she said NO, next weeks visit is soon enough. My brother moved out today. He got an apartment here in town, 4 miles away, so he will still be able to come up now and then. I am glad that he is on his own again, now I can get my house in order.

 April 11th
3:48 pm, Mom is still in bed. Had toast at noon but no real appetite, temp 94.2, 71/58, pulse irregular racing one moment, slow the next, skin color is very pale, little output/input, wakes up when called, alert, goes back to sleep almost immediately, no BM since wednesday, nails bluing, slight cough, no pain.
6:15 pm, mom ate some chicken and a little potatoes, half cup coffee, temp. 95.1, 73/60, pulse the same, face is flushed.
11:00 pm, Mom took her pills with a full 8 oz. of water, had peanut butter sandwich, face pale again, has headache took aspirin, no significant change in output/input, still sleeping.
2:30 am, Sleeping soundly, temp 94.0, 70/55. pulse slow and thready, drooling.

 April 12th
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE
7:00 am, Awake, temp. 96.1, 80/62, pulse strong and rapid, darkening around eyes/glossy, cold.
12:00 pm, Awake, had toast and half cup coffee, temp 95.0, 77/60, pulse slow again, pale, dizzy/got up to use toilet, swaying. She doesn't seem to want to talk much, she is too tired. Doesn't know what day it is but is alert when I awake her.
6:00 pm. I am just going to say word for word what happened from this point on. You decide what it was, make up your mind. I know what I believe. I took mom in her dinner, she was up on the toilet, I changed her and her bed, she went over and started eating. I went to the living room and Hollie and I ate our dinner. I told Hollie that if mom were going to die I wish it would happen soon, to end all of the grief I feel and to just let mom rest. I took our plates to the kitchen, went in to get mom's, there she was, standing up, dressed with her comb in her hand for me to fix her hair. I asked her what she was doing and she said coming out to the living room if was o.k. with me. I said sure, great, I told her I had been so worried about her because she hasn't been getting up. She said I shouldn't have worried, she was just talking to Grandma and it took longer than she thought it would. I said, Mom you know grandma's dead? She says, "Yes I know it, but it doesn't stop her from visiting me. She is the one that told me it was time for me to decide if I was ready to take a train ride with her or not. She asked me if I was ready or wanted to stay here with you a little longer. I told her I was staying awhile longer and she said it was O.K. So here I am." I swear to GOD that this is exactly what mom said. She had me fix her hair, came out to her chair, had Easter candy, coffee and donuts, played Rummy with me, Robert and Crystal and is now watching a movie on HBO! Her temp is 97.8, her pulse was fast at first but slowed to normal (perhaps from walking out there) and her BP is 104/73. She has normal color in her face and is acting just like she did prior to her bed stay. You tell me what happened. Like I said I know what I believe.
12:00 am, Mom just went back to bed, she is still normal and in a happy mood. What will tomorrow bring?

 April 13
So much for having ones hopes lifted and shattered within 24 hours. Mom has not gotten back out of bed since she went last night. She didn't even want her toast and coffee this morning. I have only had to change her twice today. She has little to no urine coming and no BM. She is pale, irregular pulse, all the above crap again. If she is going to die soon I wish it would just happen. I know she is ready, body and soul and I am ready to let her go. I don't want her to linger in this state and I want off the roller coaster ride. I love my mom more than she ever knew but, there comes a time when we must let go. I can do that. I have been preparing myself for that for the last three years. She is alive but not living. I want her to live again. The heck with what I want. Oh God, I hate this disease. And I hate my brother for not being the son, the man he should be. Knowing the condition she is in, that she may not have much longer. Selfish A-----E!!!!!

 April 14
Mom stayed in bed again, until 9:00 pm. She came out to her chair, had a snack, was asleep by 9:45, I put her to back to bed at 10:15. She went right back to sleep. She just doesn't have the energy to stay awake any more. She had been dreaming that she worked all day without a break and that is why she was so tired. She goes to the doctor tomorrow for her 6 month check up, wonder what she will find.

 April 15, 1998
Community Home Health is on the way to evaluate mom, her doctors appointment has been canceled. At this point I will update and answer email's only when possible. Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers.

 9:30 pm, Mom has been placed on 'in-home' Hospice care. The Social worker is coming tomorrow and the nurse will be in every other day. They said that if she refuses food altogether, she has about 30 days, if she refuses fluids altogether she has 7 - 10 days. Sharon, the nurse was very nice and got on well with mom. It is just wait and see at this point.

 My friend Don Dennis passed away tonight, he had prostrate cancer

 April 16
Noon: Mom went right back to sleep after the nurse left yesterday and hasn't been awake since. She ate some mashed potatoes and 2 oz of juice before the nurse came. I have been in four times this morning to wake her and can't. I will try again shortly, with her lunch.

1:07 am, Mom didn't wake up for lunch, however, she did wake up at 7:30, said she could smell dinner cooking, she got up and has been sitting in her chair watching t.v and talking with me. She ate dinner, ice cream, toast, banana, juice and coffee. We talked about her time in bed, about dying and choices and Alzheimer's disease. We watched 'Touched by an Angel', a movie on HBO and right now she is watching an old Kirk Douglas, William Bendix movie. She is tired but, not sleepy..The Hospice people were here this afternoon and this evening and they are just as confused about her behavior as I am. My friend RJ said the prayers must be working, I agree, Please keep them coming.

 April 17
Mom went back to bed at 2:30 this morning. She dozed off now and then but didn't go to sleep until she got back to bed. At 6:10 this morning she opened her bedroom door and was yelling that it was time to go. I ran over to her and she was dresses, yelling that she was told it was time to go and she was all dressed and ready. I explained that she didn't need to leave just yet and got her back to bed, I turned on the t.v. to calm her, she was back to sleep by 6:30 and didn't wake again until 2:30 when the Hospice nurse got here. The nurse said she was about average for now but that she was shutting down, somewhat dehydrated and that if her heart didn't take her that she would just wither away as a result of not eating much or taking much liquids. Mom went right back to sleep after she left without eating anything since yesterday.
11:23 pm, Just got mom back to bed. She got up around 8:30 so she could visit with me for awhile. She had some toast, a banana and some coffee and 4 oz water, that is pretty good considering.

 April 18
11:53 pm, Mom slept until about 3:00pm and woke up with a bad stomach ache and vomiting blood. I called her nurse and Hospice ordered her up some pain meds., Hydrocodon 500 mg for the pain. They think her bladder is having spasms and the blood was a result of a nose bleed. Mom didn't eat much today at all, although she did ask for a banana. I just went to give her night time pills and she was awake. The pain meds. helped her stomach but her back was hurting, she has an arthritic spine and Osteo., so I rubbed it with lotion and did her legs also. I think she was purring..SMILE. We talked while I was doing this, I asked her if she knew what was happening to her and she said she knew she was dying. I asked her if she was ready and she said NO..She is so tired because she is fighting it so hard. I told her that it was O.K., that if she was hanging on because of me that it wasn't necessary, I would be all right. She started crying and so did I. She told me that if it weren't for having me that she would have been dead a long time ago. She also knows I will be O.K. but she isn't ready to leave me, she wants to hold on as long as possible because the thought of not being around me any more hurts too bad. Besides, she doesn't want to leave me all alone now that my kids are grown and I have no man in my life. My mother was the one actually talking with me.

 April 19th
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA, WE LOVE AND MISS YOU
Well, mom stayed in bed until 7:00pm, then decided to get up and eat something with us. Robert and Crystal came down and Hollie was here. I BBQ'd burgers and hot-dogs and had potato salad, macaroni salad and raspberry jello..Mom ate like there literally was not going to be a tomorrow for her. I could not believe my eyes, she really packed it away. Our friend Betty, had come over earlier to visit mom but mom wasn't to with it. Betty changed her depends and bed pad for me while I made coffee and she tried talking mom into getting up, she wouldn't do it. So, when mom did get up and had finished her dinner I called Betty and put mom on the phone. Lord, she knew who she was talking to, didn't remember her having been over earlier, talked about all the times we had gone to play pool and have a pitcher..They were on the phone for 30 minutes and mom was actually holding a conversation!! Betty was just as flabbergasted as I was. Mom didn't even go back to bed until 11:00, she wanted to finish watching a Hallmark Movie. I tell ya, on minute I feel like I should call the morgue, the next I feel I should call hospice and tell them it has all been a mistake. Boy, if this is what dying is all about I want to go real quick, I don't want my boys to go through this. One thing though, she has stopped asking me the day/date for wish I am glad of. Today being grandma's birthday and all.

 April 20th
Mom is feeling and doing lots better. She woke up at 12:00, had lunch, went back to sleep until 2:00 when Vi, her church lady got here. She hasn't been back to sleep since although she has stayed in bed, either sitting on the side of the bed or laying down. She didn't eat much for dinner but she has been snacking all day and night. She had a tremendous BM and her urine is normal color, odor and amount. She is also in a TERRIBLE mood.

Since I have rambles on so much during this month, I have had to create another page to continue the month of April. A new page will load

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