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LAUNDRY ROOM

MOTHER'S IN TOWN
THE RABBI
OH NO...IT'S DICKIE
MEN ABOUT WOMEN
FOR GIRLS ONLY
PILLS?
THE BOBBIT PRAYER
BALLOONS?

THE RABBI
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks, "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister, an experienced married man, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!" Not pleased with this reply either, he seeks out the ultimate authority a man with thousands of years of tradition and knowledge: a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man asks," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi replies softly, "If sex were work . . . my wife would have the maid do it."
MOTHER'S IN TOWN
A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and is in for trouble when he gets home.
"No problem" says his friend, "Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the bedroom crawl up under the blanket between her legs and do a little oral sex! She'll forget all about being mad and fall right asleep."
So the guy gets home to a dark, quiet house. He creeps in as quietly as he can and tiptoes into his bedroom. Following his friends advice, he proceeds under the blanket and does the deed to gentle moaning and, finally, sof snoring. Quite pleased with himself, he heads to the bathroom to change his clothes, when he is startled by the sight of his wife sitting on the bowl.
"Shhhhhhh........" she says, "Mother's in town."
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
VOODOO DICK
I know some of you have seen or heard this one but it is still funny.... Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
(For joke purposes, let's ignore what he might do while on his trip :-) ) So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
FOR MEN ABOUT WOMEN...

(In there...about men...) Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it
Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

FOR GIRLS ONLY...
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece.
Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
Single women complain that all good men are married, while
all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?>p>

MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 10,000 miles, whichever came first.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

PILLS?
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it.
The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might o the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever.
She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills.
The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, my mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty'."
THE BOBBIT PRAYER
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my dong I will keep,
And if I wake and it is gone, I hope to find it on the lawn.
I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of me,
Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake.
Much attention I must pay, To assure I put the knives away,
The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, Why there's no telling what she'd do.
To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe away from harm,
So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!
BALLOONS?

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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