I have a theory. It’s a simple one, really. Everything in life can, ultimately, be related back to a) the Vikings or b) Harrison Ford movies. It’s really one or the other, in any given situation. Why Vikings, you ask? Well, you can’t refuse putting the blame of the strife and struggles of modern life on these hairy, smelly, rude, illiterate barbarians. (And bloodthirsty, that’s important. They liked to smash stuff. It was a simple existence.) And Harrison Ford? Hero worship, mainly. He’s cool. If everything in the universe is not related to him, it should be. Am I right? Never tell me the odds. (See, I told you.)

But surely you ask, The Viking invasion of England was ages ago. True. But have you considered the full ramifications of the invasion? Anglo-Saxon England was chugging along in a golden age. Learning was at an apex in the Churches. The most elaborate and beautiful illuminate manuscripts were being produced. (See Lindesfarne Gospels. If still not convinced, the Canterbury Golden Gospels. A literal title. The monks weren’t that creative.) The systematic attack by Vikings raiders left the population weak and hardly a soul who could speak Latin. King Alfred translated many texts from Latin in the English dialect of the day.

Still not convinced? Well, it’s because of them that cross-dressing is possible. True story. Once upon a time, skirt and shirt were the same garment of clothing. However, [sk] was a Scandinavian sound, while the English equivalent was [sc], pronounced softer, almost [sh]. The meanings grew apart and different items developed. Now, we wear shirts and skirts. Possibly kilts. They’re traditional.

See how easy it is to tie the Vikings in? Try it. No, really. Black Plague. Vikings fault. Stock market crash? Vikings did it. Cheap plastic toy broke on you? Viking again. Lost your car keys? The Vikings did it, but not intentionally.

And Harrison Ford? Where does he come in? Well, if the big bad (and they were) Vikings are mucking about in the fields of history, you need a hero, don’t you. Come on, the smile, the fedora, the relentless way he always manages to triumph over the odds…situations ranging from pits full of snakes (Indy hates snakes), being chased by giant boulders, being chased by angry natives shortly after the boulder scene, and melting Nazis. (A nifty trick for anyone who has the Ark of the Covenant handy. Do not try this at home, kids.) And so many more possibilities beyond the world of Steven Spielberg that I may run out of ink by listing them in their entirety or break every grammatical rule known to man (or woman).

There’s a Harry quote for every occasion. Trying to keep to your diet? "’Sounds like we stepping on fortune cookies.’ Indy, ‘Those ain’t fortune cookies, kid.’"

Let us take a random example: (Okay, it’s not random. It’s a movie, ‘Patriot Games.’ I have nothing against the Irish or the IRA. They’re wonderful.) IRA terrorists are terrorising (what they do best) your home and loved ones?

First, don’t panic. Find a way to blame the Vikings. Think really hard and you will find a connection. Found it? Good. Yes, the Vikings did heavily raid the Eastern side of Ireland, establishing a stronghold in Dublin, which jointly ruled Viking territory with the settlement in York. Well, eventually the English did drive the Vikings away, but the notion of ruling both England and Ireland was planted in their little Anglo-Saxon minds, forever causing the 1000 years of strife which has plagued the relationship between the English and the Irish. Prime Minister William E. Gladstone was keen on this idea and did not help to improve the situation. Generations of repression and practice at Imperialism later, the Irish are still pretty angry with the English, establishing motive for the IRA to be in your home. What you did personally is your own little problem. No, you do not get bonus point for shooting some IRA guy’s brother, just like it happened in the movie.

Secondly, find the relationship between the current situation and a Harrison Ford movie. Go rent the movie. Take notes. Next time, if you survive, you’ll study and be prepared for whatever adventures await. Knowing is half the battle.

In conclusion: what have we learned? That in this age of being a victim, don’t let a little thing like history stop you from placing the blame on someone who really deserves it. Or, more importantly, can’t do anything about it. The Vikings, bless their battling souls, can’t hit back. And remember, no matter what those evil Vikings did to ruin your day, Harry’s already taken care of it.

Now you are an empowered reader. Go forth and share your new, valuable information. Have fun storming the castle.